Beth’s cry fills the room. Her face is filled with exertion. Things are moving so fast, but I’ll never forget how beautiful she is at this moment as she brings a new life into the world. Death is cold and ugly. This is a miracle.
Shelby walks back in snapping directions like a drill sergeant.
“I can see the baby’s head,” Linc shouts. “Push with the next contraction and we’ll see if he’s ready to join us.”
“She,” Beth yells at him.
“Okay, she,” he replies with an exasperated huff.
Beth’s loud panting fills the room until her fingers relax on mine. I’m so damn proud of her for hanging on this long and keeping her cool. “Oh, God, oh, God,” she cries out.
“Push, Beth,” I tell her. Her response is unintelligible. Shelby runs out and returns with a bowl of steaming water and a towel wrapped around what must be the scissors and string.
“One more push,” my brother encourages.
Beth’s grip tightens and her scream causes the dog to begin howling in the hallway.
“Oh, my, so beautiful,” Shelby whispers.
“If this is a girl, the world is changing faster than I can keep up with,” Linc adds. The baby’s cry shatters the room and we all laugh in relief.
“Take Beth’s shirt and bra off so we can rest the baby on her chest,” Shelby instructs me. “Google also says keeping the cord attached longer provides the baby with oxygen and iron. We need to wait at least two minutes.”
“If it’s on Google, it must be true,” Linc mutters and receives a death glare from Shelby.
Beth wiggles to help me get her top and then bra off. My brother lifts the baby and places him face down on Beth’s stomach and chest. “Here’s your baby boy.” He emphasizes “boy” with a smile. Beth’s tears turn to sobs as she places her hands over the baby, who quiets now that he’s back with his mother.
“To hell with two minutes, this is not what I was taught. Google has gone hippy,” Linc grumbles to Shelby. “He’ll bleed to death if we don’t tie off the cord.”
“You’re an idiot. It says here that babies bleeding to death through the umbilical cord is an old wives’ tale. They should call it an old fool’s tale. There’s some really good research to back up the oxygen and iron theory. What kind of research have you done on delivering babies?”
I want to use the umbilical cord to strangle them both. “I hate to tell the two of you this but I think you’ve argued through the two minutes.”
My brother shrugs. “Can you roll the baby to his side?” he asks. I look at his tiny body and do nothing.
Shelby grasps the baby and rolls him enough so Linc can work. He starts crying again, which starts the dog howling. Within a few seconds, the dog actually drowns out the baby’s cries.
“I’ll quiet Daisy down. Don’t forget to deliver the afterbirth.” Shelby wets a rag and washes off her hands before walking to the bedroom door. “Come on, big boy, you need to go out back.” The dog stops howling and goes to his belly. He doesn’t budge when Shelby tugs his collar. “You stubborn goliath. If you weren’t already neutered we’d be heading to the animal hospital tomorrow.”
“Did she call him Daisy?” I chuckle as a way to keep my mind off Beth and the baby because my heart is doing flip flops.
“Don’t ask,” Linc replies while taking care of what I assume is the afterbirth. Babies are a bloody business and I’m relieved men don’t deliver new life. Civilization would have ended long before it had a chance to start.
The baby fusses while my brother works. “Here,” Link says and hands me the scissors. “You get to cut the cord.” I take the scissors only because I’m not thinking straight.
I glance at Beth. Love shines from her eyes. She has so much faith in me and I’m finding it hard to breathe. My hands, which are always steady when pulling a trigger, shake. Linc has the cord tied off and without thinking it through, I cut between the strings as he directs. I look at the baby’s face as soon as I make the snip. He’s staring at me. His eyes are dark blue, nothing like his mother’s, but his little nose is all Beth. I glance at Beth and she’s watching me.
It’s almost too much. All I can think of is escape. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and closed far too many doors. Here is a woman who deserves a good father for her child. I’m the last person she should be looking at with such devotion.
“I have no idea what to name a boy,” she says gently.
I fight to gain control of my shattered emotions. Humor is all I have. “He’s going to look quite pretty in the pink outfit I bought him.”
Beth smiles. I smile. The sound of the door closing makes me look away from her. My brother is gone and we’re alone. I lean over Beth and kiss her cheek. For the first time in my life, I want something of my own. This woman, this child. I want to forget about vengeance and every bad thing I’ve done. I want to be the man who deserves Beth.
A few days ago all I could think of was death and finding the last two men on my list. Right at this moment, they’re no longer important. This woman is. It’s the biggest reason I need to find a safe place for her and the baby and disappear from their lives. I can’t bring my dangerous world down on Beth.
“Will you prop the pillows up behind me?” she requests. She’s so damn beautiful holding her son. The sheet is just beneath her hips and I move it up a bit. Beth lifts her son and I hand her a towel to wrap him in. She cradles him at her breasts and again I’m struck by the miracle of new life. His tiny fist moves to his mouth and sucking noises fill the quiet room.
“I’ve never done this before,” she whispers while arranging the baby at her breast. She moves her nipple to his miniature mouth like a pro if I’m any judge. His tiny head makes small searching movements. Beth pinches her nipple and the baby finally grabs hold. My heart is mush. “Angelo said I would never nurse my child.” She glances up, her eyelashes wet with tears. “Thank you, Rack.”
How do I let this woman go?
Chapter Eighteen
Beth
DIAPERS WERE ON THE list I gave Rack. I’ve never put a diaper on a newborn or realized how hard it is. Rack watches helplessly and I can see he’s further out of his comfort zone than I am. I figure out which way the diaper goes and slide it beneath his tiny bottom. The last thing I expect is the stream of warm pee that sprays upward and soaks me. Rack hands me a towel from the stack on the edge of the bed.
His lips curve up in a shameless smile. “It’s never too early to teach shooting straight.”
“Thanks, I think he’s got it down,” I say with a laugh. I finish attaching the small tabs. As first diapers go it’s a disaster of slightly crooked proportions.
I gaze at my son and feel such overwhelming love—lopsided diaper and all. Before giving birth I refused to consider having a boy. Now, within two hours of his arrival, I can’t imagine anything else. Linc loaned me a button shirt so I can breastfeed. He blushed when he brought it in, which I thought humorous. He’s seen everything there is to see and now he blushes.
I’m tired, filled with joy, and terrified in equal measures. I was protective over the baby before he was born. Now, the need to keep him safe has tripled. Angelo will never get his hands on my son.
As soon as the baby falls asleep, I ask Rack if he’ll bring Shelby in to help me clean up. I washed the baby with the water Shelby left and now he’s wrapped snuggly in one of the blankets Rack purchased. He leaves to find Shelby. I can’t quite put my finger on why Rack is acting so strange. He’s quieter than usual for sure. He hasn’t held the baby or asked to. Linc did for a short time. He called him a little bugger and told him he would make a great police officer someday. From the corner of my eye I watched Rack turn away and stare at the wall.
I’m sure seeing a woman give birth can’t be pretty from a single man’s perspective. I glance down at the sleeping bundle in my arms. This isn’t Rack’s baby and I’m not Rack’s wife. He’s here because he’s brave and honorable. It doesn’t matter how bad
I want him, I need to mentally keep Rack out of the daddy role. But, what if?
Shelby sticks her head in and I wave her over. “Will you help me clean up?” I ask in embarrassment. Everyone in the house has seen every part of me and maybe parts I’ve never seen, but now that the birth is over, I’m feeling shy. I just don’t think I can do it myself. My babyless tummy looks like I haven’t given birth yet.
“Sure. I looked through the bags but didn’t find any pads. I have some at my place. Let me run next door and grab them.”
I never thought of pads. A small smile escapes me thinking of Rack buying them. He’d handle it as he does everything else. The man comes through in any situation and makes you think he’s done it a million times before.
You’re giving birth. No problem! We’ll get you to my brother and he’ll deliver the baby.
I suddenly remember Shelby is waiting patiently for my answer. “Sure and thank you.”
“No, thank you. That was the most incredible thing I’ve witnessed. Truly a miracle.” Her glowing smile says it all.
She closes the door and I’m alone with my son. I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open, but I refuse to sleep. I stare at his tiny fingers, button nose, and perfect everything. I don’t see his father in his features, but even if I did it wouldn’t matter. I kiss his soft forehead and the top of his head. He’s my miracle.
According to the bedside clock, it’s ten minutes before Shelby returns. “Sorry about that,” she says after closing the door behind her. “I have warm, soapy water for you. We’ll give you a bed bath and change the towels beneath you too.”
“I love you,” I say quietly so I don’t wake the baby.
She laughs, leaves the bowl with water on the nightstand, and walks from the room again. She’s back in under a minute with my clothes from the car. Between the two of us we manage to get me washed up and I feel so much better. More tired than I’ve ever been but at least content.
“How’s Daisy? That’s her name, right?”
“He. Daisy’s a male. I’m sure he’s still pacing like an expectant father. He loves children and when you’re comfortable with it, we’ll let him have a peek. A baby doesn’t need a heavy dose of dog slobber on his first day in the world, so we’ll give it some time.” She holds up the pink jumper Rack purchased. “We’ll take pictures and show them to him when he’s a teenager,” she says as she laughs.
I don’t know where the emotion comes from but it wells up in my chest and I lose it. Tears turn to sobs before I can control myself. “We d-don’t have-have pictures of him,” I stutter between breaths.
Shelby’s smile is soft with understanding. “That’s easy to fix.” She slides her cell from her pocket and starts snapping until I stop crying and laugh at her goofiness. She takes photo after photo. I pull aside the blanket and tuck the baby against my chest so his little diapered bottom sticks in the air. Shelby keeps pressing the button on her phone. He sleeps through most of it.
“You’re a goof,” I say when she has me hold up each foot and she zooms in.
“A complete goof. At least Linc loves me exactly as I am.” Her eyes shine when she says it and I envy their relationship. “The guys brought my rocking chair over. I figure we can place it in here by the bed and take turns rocking the baby while you try to sleep. Rutherford…” she says and looks at me questionably. “Rack?” she corrects and I nod. “He’s about ready to drop or so Linc says. I’m not sure if he should take a shift until tomorrow.”
“You and Linc must be tired too?”
“I’m good. Linc is taking tomorrow off work and it won’t kill me to skip a day of classes. I have a friend who had a baby six months ago. I’ll go to her place in a few hours and see what she can scrape together for the baby. Does that work for you?”
I’m not sure what to say. Linc and Shelby could be in danger with us here. I also don’t know what Rack’s told them. The pain kept me from following most of the conversations when we arrived.
Shelby breaks into my thoughts. “No worries. Linc and Rack are planning a course of action. I’m aware there’s someone looking for you. I’m the fiancée of a cop. This is our life. I’ll make up a story to tell my friend. The guys also think I shouldn’t go to the store and go hog wild on new baby items like I want to. That’s put a huge damper on spoiling this little guy.” She slides her hand over the baby’s back and some little bird tells me that once she marries Lincoln, babies will be in their very near future.
Saying thank you feels so inadequate and tears fill my eyes again. I guess it takes a while for the hormones to level out because I’ve never cried this much in my life.
“No more of that. Between the guys and Daisy, you’re safer here than any place on earth.”
I don’t doubt her.
“I’ll go tell the men they can move the rocking chair in here so you can sleep.”
“If you don’t mind, leave the chair out there and bring Rack in here to sleep. I trust you to keep the baby safe while we rest. But bring him back when he needs to eat or you need a break.”
She actually claps her hands like an excited child. “Daisy is the best guard dog imaginable. He might not look it but that dog can sense danger and has no problem taking care of business. I’ll get Rack in here before I whip that bundle of joy from your arms and hug his little body for the next few hours. I’m dying to hold him.”
I look down at my son and my heart melts all over again.
Rack enters a minute later. Shelby’s right. He looks exhausted.
“Lay down with me. Shelby will hold the baby while we sleep.”
He carefully slides onto the bed beside me. He leans his head on his hand. “You’re beautiful,” he says sleepily.
I ignore the words because he’s hallucinating. “He’s perfect, Rack. I knew you would take care of us.”
He starts to say something but stops. “He’s perfect like his mother. He also needs a name.”
Names have been drifting in and out of my mind. “Can he just be the baby for now? I’m too tired to decide and he’ll be stuck with his name forever.”
Rack just smiles at me and slowly blinks.
Shelby pops her head in. “You ready for me to take over aunty duties?”
“Sure.” Shelby’s wonderful and even during the heat of childbirth, she remained calm and controlled.
“I’ll bring him back when he’s ready to eat. Get some sleep and don’t worry about a thing,” she says as she takes him from my arms.
I’m bereft and almost beg her to hand him back. But I need sleep. Rack needs sleep. Shelby will care for him. She closes the door behind her. Rack removes his shirt and then crawls into bed with me. He turns off the lamp. “Come here,” he whispers and pulls me into his arms. “Sleep,” he says softly against my hair once I’m situated.
And just like that, I fall asleep.
It seems like it’s only been minutes, when the baby’s crying wakes me up. Shelby opens the door and strides in. I squint into the room when Rack turns on the light. “I’m sorry, two hours is all he lasted,” she murmurs. I unbutton the shirt and lift my arms. “I’ll be back in about thirty minutes,” she says over the baby’s cries.
Rack helps position pillows behind me. The baby starts sucking as soon as I cradle him and push my nipple to his mouth. He makes slurping noises and he fists the skin of my breast while he eats. I’m fully aware of Rack watching. Maybe I should feel uncomfortable but I don’t.
Rack laughs at a particularly loud slurp. “He’s a hungry little tiger.”
The baby fidgets a few minutes later. “I think I’m supposed to burp him.” I lift him to my shoulder and gently pat his back. The blanket is falling off and Rack helps remove it.
“Yeah, fella, the pink needs to go. We’ll find you a nice football jersey at the first opportunity,” he says at the sight of the pink sleeper that’s two sizes too big.
I can’t stop my smile. “I didn’t know you liked football.”
Rack’s eyes sta
y glued to the baby. “All men like football.”
No way on earth will I argue with his statement.
Chapter Nineteen
Rack
I CAN’T SORT OUT the rambling thoughts in my head. I know what to do with anger and aggression. I’ve handled both more times than I care to count. These thoughts are different. Watching Beth nurse the baby is the loveliest, sexiest, and most precious thing I’ve ever witnessed. Not that I’m thinking sex while watching. No. I’m thinking family, settling down, and changing my life. It’s a joke I can’t laugh about. I’ve done too many terrible things and I’m not finished. Not even close.
“You’ve got it bad, brother mine,” Linc says while rocking the baby. The child I haven’t held because even thinking about it makes my stomach twist into knots. There’s this yawning hole in my heart and if I touch him I don’t know if I could ever let go.
Linc is destined to be a father. He’ll be wonderful at it—a great husband, drive a minivan, and do his best, even with his job, to never miss one of his kid’s games. Our father did the same. If Linc wasn’t holding the baby, I swear I’d deck him.
Yes, I have it bad, no denying it. I want it all and I want to erase the last few years. I want Andrew and Nick back. I want to be the man Beth and the baby need. It’s an unattainable dream. I deal in reality and I need to somehow stop the longing that’s tearing me apart.
I glance into my brother’s dark eyes. There’s so much left unsaid between us. Hell. There’s so much left unsaid between me and my entire family. They were safer out of my life and now I’ve brought Linc roaring into this crisis. It was unfair of me. Only days ago I’d have sworn it would never happen. Beth and her needs quickly tore down the safety net I placed around my family.
I look away. “I have it bad,” I agree.
He grunts. “Bad enough to settle down and stop the bullshit you’ve been up to?” His words are clipped but soft because of the baby.
I’ve been expecting this. “You don’t understand,” I say in frustration and begin pacing the floor.
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