Where Seagulls Cry

by Yvonne Whittal

  At first she tried to draw him out of his shell but, when it became evident that her efforts merely annoyed him, she left him alone to solve his problems in his own way. This was not an easy decision to make, and as time passed she became more concerned. It was then that she decided to speak to Bill at the first available opportunity, but this was difficult to accomplish when he paid them a visit, for Adam was always present. Finally, out of sheer desperation, Kim telephoned him at work one morning and suggested that they meet in town for lunch. Bill seemed strangely reluctant at first, but finally agreed.

  'Bill, something is troubling Adam,' Kim began without preamble when they eventually faced each other across the checkered tablecloth at a secluded restaurant. 'He's been acting strangely ever since we went away for that week-end to Heron's Bay.'

  'In what way has he been acting strangely?' Bill asked, lighting a cigarette and glancing at her with narrowed eyes through a haze of smoke.

  Kim shrugged helplessly, not knowing quite where to begin. 'Well… now that he's home most evenings, he spends hours in the study, just sitting there, or pacing the floor until all hours of the night. When I try to talk to him, he practically ignores me.'

  'Perhaps he's just tired,' Bill suggested evasively.

  'No… no, it's something far more serious than that,' Kim insisted with strong conviction, aware suddenly that Bill was avoiding her eyes for some reason. 'He hasn't said anything to you, has he?'

  Bill drew hard on his cigarette, filling his lungs before he blew the smoke forcibly towards the ceiling. 'Adam seldom confides in anyone.'

  Kim regarded him closely for a moment, her large green eyes pleading and troubled. 'Whatever it is, Bill, it frightens me.'

  He became unusually agitated, she noticed. 'I think you're allowing your imagination to run riot,' he said.

  'No, Bill,' she said firmly. 'I know Adam and all his moods. I've always been able to cope with his frustration, his anger, and his irritability at not being able to do the things he used to do. This is something different. It's as if he has erected an invisible barrier between us, and no matter how much I try, I can't reach him.'

  Bill knocked the ash off his cigarette with unnecessary concentration. 'Perhaps he's just depressed,' he suggested.

  'Perhaps,' Kim agreed helplessly, feeling as though she were talking to a stranger, and not to the man who had become her confidant and her friend during the past months.

  Their lunch was served and they ate in silence. Bill knew something, Kim was sure, but for some reason he was not prepared to divulge this information to her. Surely she had a right to know what was causing her husband's strange behaviour? she argued silently, pushing her plate aside eventually when the food began to choke her. It had been a mistake to question Bill, she decided when they finally left the restaurant. She should never have expected him to tell her the truth, and she could barely conceal her disappointment. She had considered him her friend; the one person who would be completely frank with her, but she had been mistaken. His loyalty to Adam had silenced him, and not even his friendship with her would make him divulge whatever it was that Adam wanted concealed.

  Kim turned to him as they stood outside on the pavement. 'I'm sorry, Bill,' she said.

  'I'm sorry too, Kim,' he said, glancing down at his shoes and confirming her suspicions. 'I shan't tell Adam about our meeting.'

  'Thank you.'

  Kim's lips' were tightly compressed as she hurried to where she had parked the car. If Bill would not confide in her, then she would have to speak to the only person who could tell her the truth—Adam! She had to make him understand that his attitude was disrupting their lives completely; shattering the fragile happiness they shared.

  Kim had not intended speaking to Adam so soon after her unsuccessful confrontation with Bill, but when he arrived home that evening and shut himself in his study immediately after dinner, it was just more than she could endure. She sat in the living-room staring at the study door for some time before she could scrape up enough courage to invade his privacy, and it was no surprise to her to find him sitting at his desk with his head in his hands and a look of utter desolation and despair on his face.

  She went towards him hesitantly, not certain of the reception she would receive. 'Adam, if there's some-thing troubling you, why don't you tell me about it?' she said.

  Adam was on his feet instantly, striding about the room as if he wanted to crush everything beneath his feet. 'Nothing is troubling me.'

  'Don't be silly,' she argued, following his futile progress back and forth across the room. 'I'm not a fool, Adam. You hardly ever speak to me lately, and when you do, you're distant and evasive. You spend hours each night here in the study, just sitting, staring, or pacing the floor all night. When you do come to bed, you don't sleep very well either. You toss and turn each night until it's almost time for you to get up.'

  'If you're saying that I disturb you at night, then it might be a good idea for me to move into the spare room,' he said harshly.

  Kim drew a painful breath. 'Is that what you want, Adam? Is it the fact that you're married to me that's troubling you so much?' The pain which had lodged in her chest seemed immovable. 'Have you tired of me, Adam? Have I finally served my purpose? Is this what you're finding so difficult to decide… how to tell me that you want your freedom?'

  Adam gestured angrily, the harsh lines in his face more prominent than ever. 'For God's sake, Kim, leave me alone! Stop asking so many questions, and stop jumping to conclusions.'

  'I want to help you, Adam.'

  'I don't want your help.'

  'If you don't want my help, then there must be someone you could go to who can help you?'

  Adam ceased his furious pacing, and his chest heaved as if it had become an effort to fill his lungs with enough air. 'Kim, you don't know what you're saying,' he said with a strange calmness. 'You don't understand!'

  'No, I don't understand. I'm stumbling about in the dark trying to discover the reason for your behaviour, but I don't seem to come anywhere near the solution.' She went to him then, her confidence and determination returning swiftly. She had to make him understand that she was not merely trying to interfere. 'I won't question you again, Adam, but please believe that I only want to help you in any way I possibly can.'

  'Kim!' She was caught up against him with a suddenness that took her breath away, a desperate urgency in the strength of his arms as they held her. 'There's no one who can help me, not even you. It's something I have to decide for myself, so… bear with me, Kim.'

  'Oh, Adam, Adam!' she cried, her voice muffled against the hardness of his chest. 'I vowed that I would do everything in my power to make you happy and contented, but at this moment I feel such a failure.'

  His lips found hers, and once again there was that touch of desperation in his kiss that made the fear in her heart something tangible. 'You've made me happier than I have deserved to be, my darling,' he groaned into her hair. 'Don't ever doubt that.'

  There was so much more Kim had wanted to say, so many questions that still needed answers, but somehow the words were stilled on her lips. She was no nearer the truth now than she had been before, and it seemed she would have to rely on her patience until Adam saw fit to explain what was on his mind. She could only hope that it would be soon.

  Standing there in the circle of his arms was immensely comforting, but it did nothing to obliterate the premonition of danger which was becoming her constant companion.

  When Adam finally released her, his face looked haunted and haggard. 'Leave me alone, Kim,' he said, hot unkindly. 'I can think better when you're not here with me.'

  Kim had no option but to do as he had asked, and she left the study without a word, closing the door firmly behind her. She was more baffled now than she had been before their talk. Could it be that, despite the fact that he had insisted that she had succeeded in making him happy, he was actually considering whether to ask her for his freedom? During all the months they had been
together, he had never once said that he loved her. 'Nothing is lasting,' he had told her once. Especially not their marriage, he had emphasised, and this had been the uncertain basis of their relationship from the very start, she realised unhappily.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Kim received an unexpected telephone call from Ursula one morning, and for one heart-stopping moment she thought something had happened to Adam. Ursula reassured her quickly, and asked: 'Could you meet me in town, Kim? There's something important I want to discuss with you.'

  Kim tensed instantly, her fingers tightening on the receiver. She could not think of anything that could be important enough to warrant a trip into town, but she nevertheless asked: 'What time?'

  'Could we make it twelve-thirty at the Gardens tearoom?'

  'That would suit me perfectly, Ursula.'

  Kim replaced the receiver and glanced frowningly at her watch. Eleven-thirty. That gave her exactly an hour to change into something more suitable for this appointment with Ursula, and with luck she could be in time for the bus that travelled directly into the city, which would save her the trouble of struggling to find parking in the lunch hour rush.

  She could not deny that she was more than curious to know what Ursula had to discuss with her. It had to be something important for her to leave Adam alone at the Institute while she drove into town to meet someone whose existence was irksome to her, Kim thought wryly. Ursula had tried everything in the past to make Kim more aware of the uncertainty of her position. Was this another form of attack, or could the reason for this invitation have some bearing on Adam's attitude during the past weeks? Whatever the reason, Kim thought eventually, she would have to take care that Ursula did not succeed in her mission.

  Kim and Ursula arrived almost simultaneously at the tea room. 'Shall we sit here?' Ursula suggested with surprising amiability, selecting a table beneath the shady oaks. 'It's such a lovely day that I shan't even mind the pigeons making a nuisance of themselves. I'm glad you could make it, Kim.'

  Ursula was overflowing with confidence and charm, Kim noticed as she sat down opposite her, unable to do anything but admire her crystal clear beauty. She was impeccably dressed in the palest lemon suit that accentuated the golden tan she had acquired during that summer and, as usual, not a hair was out of place on her platinum blonde head. She looked incredibly cool and fresh in the sweltering heat, Kim thought enviously as she became aware of the clamminess of her own body.

  'What is it you wanted to see me about?' she asked.

  'I suggest that we order something first before we get down to the reason for my asking you to meet me here,' Ursula smiled with infuriating calmness as she gestured to the hovering waitress.

  They ordered sandwiches and tea and ate in silence. Kim glanced about her at the people seated at the other tables, and her lips twisted into an involuntary smile of amusement. Amongst all these people, who were chatting animatedly to their companions, she and Ursula must appear decidedly odd as they maintained their uncomfortable silence.

  A pigeon settled on the table beside Kim and she fed it the last of her sandwich. She became so engrossed in what she was doing that she almost jumped when Ursula spoke.

  'Kim, I know you're not the kind of person to beat about the bush, so I'll be perfectly frank with you,' Ursula said with calm deliberation. 'Why don't you give up? Pack your things and go back to where you came from and leave Adam alone.'

  Kim stared at her for several seconds in stunned silence, the pigeon forgotten and left to help himself to the crumbs in her plate. 'Why should I do that?' she asked.

  'Can't you see that he desperately wants his freedom?'

  Kim's mouth went dry and she swallowed convulsively. 'If Adam wants his freedom, he has only to say so. We've always been perfectly frank with each other in the past, and there's no reason why we shouldn't be now.'

  Those scarlet lips twisted derisively. 'Don't be deliberately obtuse, Kim. You know it grieves Adam to swat a fly.'

  'You mean that he wants his freedom, but he hasn't the heart to ask me for it?'

  'I knew you would finally understand.'

  Kim stared unflinchingly into those cold grey eyes. 'This doesn't sound like Adam, but has he actually told you that he wants to be free of me?'

  'Not in so many words, my dear, but surely it must be obvious to you that he does? You always profess to know him so well… haven't you noticed the change in him lately?'

  Kim had to admit to herself that the thought had occurred to her quite often, during these past weeks, that Adam was tired of her and might be wanting his freedom, but she would not give Ursula the satisfaction of knowing this. 'Yes, I have noticed the change in him lately, but I don't frighten easily.'

  'Perhaps not, but when you go home, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself whether Adam would have asked you to marry him had he not been blind.'

  The temptation to slap that look of smug satisfaction from Ursula's face was hastily suppressed, though her anger continued to simmer. 'I don't suppose that it has ever occurred to you that some men might marry a woman for some inner quality which they admire, rather than for her outward beauty?'

  Ursula's laughter was like icicles in the hot summer air. 'Don't fool yourself that this applies to Adam, my dear Kim, and there's not a woman in the world who doesn't possess a certain amount of vanity concerning her outward appearance. Why else did you suddenly spend so much money and effort to make yourself look attractive?' She glanced pointedly at Kim. 'Have you ever wondered what Adam's reaction would be if he should regain his sight?'

  Kim's heart lurched violently. 'Adam will never regain his sight, so that question doesn't apply.'

  'That's where you are wrong, my dear. Adam is flying to Switzerland on Friday to have the necessary operation to restore his sight. Didn't you know?'

  There was a deafening roar in Kim's ears as the blood rushed to her head and then receded to leave her deathly pale. Shock surged though her veins, leaving behind a trail of ice that had a numbing effect on her limbs.

  'This can't be true!' she gasped.

  'I assure you it is,' Ursula confirmed with the satisfaction that her statement had had the desired effect, 'and the mere fact that he hasn't told you should be enough to prove to you that he no longer considers you important enough to inform you of such an important decision.'

  Kim stared hard at the woman sitting opposite her, and suddenly felt an uncontrollable anger hammering for release. 'I don't think I like you, Ursula,' she said with a deadly calm that frightened even herself. 'You're calculatingly cruel and selfish. With a warm and generous nature, combined with your outward beauty, you could have been a wonderful person, but at the moment I can only pity your lack of humanity. I suggest you take a slice out of the advice you gave me so freely. Go home and take a long, hard look at yourself and you might discover that you have nothing but a clever brain, and a beautiful face and figure to offer a man, because a slab of ice has lodged where a warm and compassionate heart ought to be. I ought to hate you, Ursula, but I can only feel sorry for you.' Kim drew a shuddering breath and rose to her feet, aware of two grey eyes which had become leaping flames of hatred. 'Thank you for the invitation to lunch, it was most enlightening.'

  A squirrel darted from the undergrowth and scurried across Kim's path as she walked through the avenue of trees, her eyes blinded by a fury that became a searing pain as it reached her heart. Adam should have told her. There was no reason why he could not have confided in her, but instead he had confided in his two colleagues and left the announcement of his intentions for Ursula to play as her trump card.

  Kim approached a deserted bench and sat down wearily, her thoughts darting back to the conversation she had had with Ursula. Ursula had insisted that she should give up; that she should pack her things and leave Adam. This would, of course, leave the field free for Ursula to step into the position she so craved. Was this what Ursula had in mind?

  'Did she think that she could frighte
n me to such an extent that I would run off like a scared rabbit?' Kim wondered, subconsciously toying with that very idea. Should she leave Adam and make way for Ursula? It was a tempting thought when she tried to visualise his reaction to her appearance. Would he recoil from her because she did not possess Ursula's beauty?

  She sighed and rose to her feet, a new restlessness forcing her to walk while her thoughts pounded relentlessly through her brain. Was this the reason for Adam's preoccupation lately? Was this what he had meant when he said that no one could help him? Could it be that he found the decision difficult to make? But if, according to Ursula, it was such a certainty that he would regain his sight, why then had it taken him so long to decide? Oh, why had he not told her!

  'Adam no longer considers you important enough,' Ursula had said, but somehow Kim could not accept this statement. After everything they had been to each other she could never leave Adam, this she knew now with a certainty that gave her confidence to face whatever the future might hold for her, and neither could she believe that Adam would want her to leave.

  Kim walked for what seemed like hours before she finally took a bus back to the flat, but once there she could not bear the thought of coming face to face with Ursula once more when she brought Adam to the door. To see them together might shatter her resolve, and she could end up doing exactly what Ursula had hoped for. The desire to run, before further pain was inflicted, was very strong.

  In the cafe on the promenade Kim ordered a cup of tea and sat staring out to sea, but the calm shimmering beauty of the azure sea on that hot summer's day escaped her. The emotional turmoil within her gave her no peace, and she drank her tea hastily before she stalked towards the beach. She removed her expensive sandals and felt the hot sand beneath her feet, experiencing a ridiculous delight in letting the sand trickle through her toes. One of the life-guards recognised her from her frequent trips to the beach that summer, and he raised his hand in salute, his teeth flashing white against the healthy tan of his skin.