Quirk in Progress
Volume One
Copyright 2013 R.S. Gompertz
All rights reserved
ISBN 978-0-9825829-6-1
1st Edition
02052014
https://www.noroadsleadtorome.com/
Via del Prat
Also by this author:
No Roads Lead to Rome
“The Roman Empire is at a crossroads, and Emperor Hadrian, realizing that continued expansion will make the empire’s borders indefensible, decrees consolidation to a size the legions can better guard. That story is told here in a confusion of the historical, the comical, the metaphorical, and the adventurous that mostly (and surprisingly) holds together fairly well. In the province of Hispania, the governor, Festus Rufius, has just taken over for his murdered predecessor, veteran Centurion Marcus Valerius. Surviving on graft, plots, kickbacks and bribery, the Empire lurches on while Hispania is beset by slave revolts, food riots, uncollected taxes, and bad wine. And so the province’s leadership must resort to a series of desperate illusions to disguise its failings. All this is recounted swiftly, with verve, panache, and a light tread that makes for a delightful, well told tale.” (Publishers Weekly)
Aqueduct to Nowhere
The gods forsaken Roman town of Tarraco is turned upside down by a cast of corrupt officials, female pirates and rogue praetorians. Anything goes (and almost does) during the weeklong festival of Saturnalia when a young misfit searching for love, identity, and a decent breakfast stumbles into dark rites of passage and comic coming of age adventures.
The decline and fall of damn near everything continues in this standalone sequel to “No Roads Lead to Rome.”
The Expat’s Pajamas: Barcelona
A wise person observed that visiting a new place for a day makes you an expert but the longer you stay the less you seem to know. As you integrate into new surroundings, the exotic eventually becomes familiar and what was once quirky becomes the new normal, though you may never quite fit in.
Not quite a memoir, more a collection of humorous and somewhat exaggerated articles from my life and work in the Barcelona region of Spain from 2000 to 2005. This e-book is offered free wherever possible.
Introduction
This is a collection of my favorite recent articles from Sage News, the Canadian humor site (www.sagenews.ca) , and posts from my blog. My musings cover the full spectrum of topics or events that seem worthy of a lampoon’s barb.
I offer this as a free e-book (wherever possible) in the hope that you’ll be entertained and intrigued enough to check out my humorous novels.
Enjoy!
RSG
1-Jan-2014
Website
Blog
Facebook
Twitter @NoRoadsToRome
Table of Contents
Snap, Crackle, Pop Culture
New App Translates Keith Richards into English
Ringo Marries Yoko. Admits He Broke Up The Beatles
Local Garage Band Perfects “Proud Mary”
Miss Piggy: Bitter and Alone
Americana
Chicago Changes Name to Boston
US Black Friday Riots Now Legal
Euro Sandwich
Save Thor’s Children
UK Abolishes English to Save Jobs
EU Austerity Plan Forces Spain to Sell its History
Cheaply Personal
One Star Review
Lunchtime in the Garden of Good and Evil
My Facebook Divorce
How I Lost the War
Political Incorrectness
Disney Buys the Holy Land
Put Saturn Back in Saturnalia
Republicans Were Right: Obamacare Unleashes Armageddon
US Immigration Service Refuses Entry to Migrating Geese
Science, Technology, and All That
Top 10 Reasons to Avoid Top 10 Lists
Twitter Success in 10 Easy Tweets
Higgs Wins Nobel Prize for Finding Particle He Lost
TED Talks Cancelled for Lack of New Ideas
New App Translates Keith Richards into English
Rolling Stones fans are still celebrating the recent announcement of “Keith Speak,” a new app that translates Keith Richards’ speaking patterns into intelligible English.
Known for his shrill harmonies, two-fingered guitar style and fascination with pharmacology, the founding member of the group has been largely incomprehensible since 1969. Fans and critics agree that “I just snorted me daddy’s ashes” was Keith’s last intelligible sentence.
Until now.
“Keith Speak” uses computational linguistics to break the rock star’s sentences into a series of basic sounds and then rearrange them into known words and attempted phrases. App reviewers agree that the results are generally better than Keith’s original sentences.
That said, there is no real way to verify accuracy. What sounds like Keith shouting “Rock you black smoke Tillamook cheese factory” during a recent concert in Los Angeles translates to “It’s good to be back in Portland.”
While critics were quick point out that the Stones’ recent tour didn’t pass through Portland, the app creator countered that Keith probably didn’t know where he was when he made the comment.
The app has an entertaining mode where normal speech patterns can be translated into “Keith Speak.” The accuracy of this feature is undeniable. When I mumbled, “Gargle fizzle wah-wah pedal,” the app quickly spat back, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”
“I read his auto-biography but didn’t understand a word,” said Pete Wailer, the app designer. “I recently heard that Keith has started using the app to better understand himself.”
Keith Richards was quick to issue a statement but no one understood it.
Originally published in Sage News. October 23, 2013
Ringo Marries Yoko
Admits he Broke Up The Beatles.
All you need is love, even if it takes 40 years.
Yoko Ono, the avant-garde artist who once performed in a giant bag has tied the knot with Ringo Starr, the amiable train conductor who replaced George Carlin on “Shining Time Station.”
Before his children’s television breakthrough, Ringo played drums in “The Beatles,” a psychedelic combo that enjoyed considerable success around the UK in the 1960’s. Ironically, Yoko was once married to Paul McCartney, the Beatle who died in an accident on the set of “Yellow Submarine.”
“Yoko took a lot of heat for breaking up The Beatles,” Ringo said during the wedding reception at the Amsterdam Hilton. “But nothing could be further from the truth. She didn’t break up The Beatles. She broke up Led Zeppelin.”
It turns out that Ringo broke up The Beatles. “We were all gaga for Yoko. I wanted to be her man, but John was such a jealous guy that he once punched George Harrison’s guru right in the sitar. I finally said let it be, but nobody understood my thick Liverpool accent, so I quit the band.”
After losing Yoko to John, Ringo suffered a decade-long depression during which time he wrote “Octopus’s Garden,” generally considered the band’s greatest, though angriest song. He also wrote a tune called “The Ballad of Ringo and Yoko,” but claims John stole it.
“Things went from bad to worse,” Ringo said. “During the making of Abbey Road, John and Paul’s arguments about peace and love got violent. John wanted peace. Paul wanted love. They couldn’t agree on anything.”
High tension during the recording sessions was documented in “Magical Mystery Tour.” The film ends with a concert on a Chicago rooftop high above the brutal police repression of student demonstrators at the 1968 Democratic Convention. “R
emember when the cops came to break up the concert?” Ringo reminisces. “Well, I’m the one who called them.”
Ringo and Yoko intend to spend their honeymoon protesting in bed for a week to raise consciousness about the link between soft mattresses and lower back pain.
Originally published in Sage News. November 6, 2013
Local Garage Band Perfects “Proud Mary”
It has taken 10 years of blood, sweat, tears and personnel changes, but a battle hardened local garage band is finally ready to share the cover song they have crafted over the last decade. In what may be the cultural event of the year, Saskatoon’s very own ToonSmiths will perform Proud Mary in public.
The road has not been easy. Drugs, alcohol, and fist fights over artistic differences have all taken their toll.
Over the years, bandleader and practice garage owner Steve “Smitty” McSmith has replaced every musician to get the formula just right. “Chemistry is important,” he said. “You don’t want just anyone playing Proud Mary, especially drummers who speed up the last sixteen bars so they can grab the last beer before the rest of the band finishes the song.”
Asked why it has taken so long for the band to master one song, McSmith blamed the short growing season in Saskatchewan. “I don’t have a heater in the garage, so we can only practice during August.” Further discussion revealed that the band lost an entire year trying to figure out Myspace.
McSmith insists that nailing Proud Mary was worth the pain. “A band needs to focus or they’ll just jam on the same two chords forever. You can’t call yourself a classic rock cover band without a killer Mary,” he said. “CCR, Elvis, Ike and Tina – so many conflicting versions can melt your brain.”
McSmith admits that seeing The Sheepdogs, their cross town rivals, make the cover of Rolling Stone in 2011 was an almost fatal setback, especially after his wife ran off with their guitarist. “Those tone deaf stoners don’t even play Proud Mary,” McSmith said with evident bitterness. “Mark my words: without a solid Mary, they’ll be a flash in the pan.”
The Saskatoon public is invited to hear the ToonSmiths play Proud Mary and enjoy black light bowling this Friday night at the Pin House on Fairmont Drive. Children above the legal drinking age are welcome.
Originally published in Sage News. October 16, 2013
Miss Piggy: Bitter and Alone
Miss Piggy, the former Sesame Street diva and celebrated film star no longer lives high on the hog.
The porcine actress once known for her feather boas and risqué calendars, is now bitter and alone.
“I was scratching out a living on the county fair circuit, barely squeaking by when some illiterate meat-eater blamed my species for a flu epidemic," she snorted. "In 2009, Swine flu killed my career. As if I’d ever kiss a human! My agent stopped returning my calls, the 4-H Club withdrew their sponsorship --times were so bad I couldn’t even tickle Elmo.”
Claiming an "unfortunate interaction" between Botox and pork rinds, the former beauty pig refused to be photographed for this article. "Just tell them I look better than Madonna does these days."
In spite of a minor comeback in Disney’s 2011 “The Muppets,” Piggy is frustrated by the lack of recognition for her artistic contributions. “I don’t want to sling mud but, frankly, I carried those tired Muppets on my back. Hollywood is so unfair,” she complained, “Everyone's just looking for the next 'Babe.' There are no good roles for middle aged pigs."
“I deserve more than just another dull sequel ever couple of years,” she insisted. “Kermit married a princess. Bert married Ernie. Oscar the Grouch lives in an upscale recycling bin, not that he’s happy about it….”
Big Bird, whose post-Street career as motivational speaker was destroyed by fears over the avian flu, was unavailable for comment.
Originally Published in Sage News. November 18, 2013
Chicago Changes Name to Boston
After careful consideration and millions of dollars in taxpayer funded studies, the city of Chicago will change its name to Boston. Numerous reasons were cited in the following press release:
The city formerly known as Chicago never liked being associated with the Midwest. We are more sophisticated than Minneapolis and couldn’t care less about Wisconsin. We always imagined ourselves as part of the East Coast. So suck it, Ohio.
We know this change, effective immediately, may cause some confusion at first, especially to Mid-westerners who like things to be just so. But there are Springfield’s in every state and most people don’t get lost trying to find the one with Bart Simpson. There’s a Vancouver in the USA and it’s not full of confused Canadians, though perhaps they’re just too polite to ask directions. The USA has two Carolinas and neither is needed. Clearly we can handle another Boston.
The benefits will be too numerous to count. The high murder rate will drop as soon as our criminals realize they’re in Boston where people have higher expectations. Student test scores will improve for the same reason. Our baseball team, the Boston Cubs, might stop disappointing us year after year after year.
Our Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, left the Midwest a long time ago and, frankly, he doesn’t know he’s back. Plus, our politicians don’t have much luck with excessive job-killing regulations like the ones about bribery. In addition to a more prestigious title, being Mayor of Boston carries less risk of finishing one’s term in prison.
With the exception of deep-dish pizza which is a joke we played on the rest of the nation’s arteries, the former Chicago will keep the best of its history and culture which mainly center around Prohibition-era crime syndicates. If needed, Boston Tea Party re-enactments could take place in Lake Michigan.
Chicago and Boston have so much in common, we might as well share the same name. After all, both towns have classic rock bands named after them. This was a smart strategy because otherwise nobody would remember their music. Anyone recall Kansas? Our point exactly.
We reiterate that we are not physically moving the city. This was studied once but deemed too expensive given the cost of schlepping our stuff across Lake Michigan.
Finally, just like the original Boston, we hate New York, too.
Originally published in Sage News. November 11, 2013
US Black Friday Riots Now Legal
The US Government has announced that no laws will be enforced from sundown on Thanksgiving to sunrise on Black Friday. “We considered suspending the constitution,” said a spokesman, “but our citizens love full-contact shopping and martial law is bad for business.”
In the past, Black Friday was the day retailers profited more from insurance settlements than sales of goods and services. It was also known as day that Americans fulfill their New Year’s resolutions to “get more exercise” by running through malls and wrestling each other over low-cost gift items.
“In keeping with traditional American values, everyone is encouraged to pillage stores and fight for limited supplies of imported Tickle-Me Elmo’s.” the government spokesman said.
Black Friday used to take place on the Friday after Thanksgiving, but retailers now open their malls during the Thursday evening feast while consumers are still drunk and angry.
Taking a cue from the popular sport of cage fighting, many vendors will lock consumers inside stores to battle with spray cans and hairbrushes until only the most worthy shoppers are left standing. Security cameras will broadcast the action on dedicated YouTube channels.
Taking advantage of a lull in the sport calendar, Costco is rumored to have offered free flights and unlimited beer to European soccer hooligans in exchange for rampaging in Walmart stores.
Traditionally the realm of brick and mortar stores, online retailers are now offering their own version of Black Friday mayhem. For shoppers who prefer the internet but don’t want to miss the thrill of the strip mall, the major websites are promising identity theft, credit card fraud, and a variety of wild scams.
Those who venture out early can look forward to p
arking lot tailgate parties followed by demolition derbies and armed robberies. This year, long lines of cold, agitated people can play “Guess Who’s Carrying a Concealed Weapon” and “America’s Got Bullets” with the added thrill of no legal consequences when the guns are fired.
Originally Published in Sage News. November 25, 2013
Save Thor’s Children
Winter is here and once again people of goodwill are called upon to help the underprivileged, the downtrodden, and the unfortunate sun-starved children of Norway.
As the winter solstice passes and darkness envelopes the northern hemisphere, we Samaritans of the lower latitudes must help the pigment challenged Norselings, the ghostly little angels whose blue veins glow like Christmas tree tinsel through their pale skin.
If we don’t act now--if we do not respond decisively—soon Norway’s next generation will have no memory of sunlight.
Imagine your own children subjected to the false hope of short gray day followed by another endless night. Your thin promise that the sun will return for 2 weeks in August would pale against the relentless glow of the Aurora Borealis.
How can we turn our backs on these innocent victims of excessive latitude? They did not ask to be live in darkness. They do not deserve a barren, dark winter made worse by our neglect.
Their parents try to brighten the season with Christmas lights and yule logs but cookies and cocoa are poor compensation for the bitter cold. These pale angels need sunlight, not tales of flying reindeer turned into life-sustaining jerky.
Fortunately, there is light in the darkness for the melanin deprived. With your generous donation, the Norwegian Toddler’s Fund (NTF) will respond to the needs of those who did not ask for and do not deserve another 12 months of winter.
Quirk In Progress Page 1
