Juliana’s heart was pounding so loudly that she could hear it in her ears. She’d dreamed of this moment for the past ten years. But now that it was upon her, she hardly knew what to say. Or do. It didn’t seem real. But gazing into Rhogan’s handsome face, she could see that it was real enough. He seemed very serious. With an expression that relayed her surprise, and her joy, she finally nodded her head.
“If you are serious, I am agreeable.”
Rhogan smiled broadly. Taking the hand on his elbow, he brought it to his lips for a sweet kiss. Then, he flipped her hand over and kissed the tender inside of her wrist. It was lingering and heated, a gesture that made her knees go weak.
It was the most delicious thing Juliana had ever experienced.
“I am very serious,” he murmured, his lips against her flesh before lowering her hand. “You have waited for me this long. I dare not disappoint you.”
Juliana was having difficulty breathing, so tender his touch. “How… how do you know I waited for you?”
He looked at her and lowered her hand. “Because I have waited for you.”
Juliana was gazing into his eyes, unable to look away, unable to think beyond the bliss of his words and the gentleness of his touch. “I will always wait for you,” she murmured.
With a smile that hinted at his untold longing for her, Rhogan let her go and headed in the direction of her father.
CHAPTER THREE
FORTUNE AND LANDS
He kissed her hand!
Princess Augusta of Brabant was used to getting her way.
She’d been introduced to the handsome young knight with the flowing blond hair and since that introduction, she’d been trying to get the man’s attention the only way she knew how. Her mother’s ladies and her own women had taught her the art of flirting and she was very good at it. At least, she thought she was. It had brought many a man to her feet but, for some reason, it wasn’t working on the English knight. To make matters worse, he’d been speaking with a very beautiful dark-haired woman and he’d even kissed her hand.
Quelle horreur!
It should have been her hand he kissed!
Now, it was a matter of pride. Augusta didn’t know who the dark-haired young woman was and she surely didn’t care. All she knew was that she wanted the blond knight to come to her, to fawn over her as all men did, and to feed the colossal ego she’d developed at a very young age. Spoiled, pampered, somewhat chubby from the sweets she liked to eat, Augusta couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stand the thought of not getting her way in all things.
Especially not with men.
When the knight finally left the dark-haired girl, Augusta sent out her reconnaissance team – her nurse, in fact. The woman was cunning, cultured, and brave. She’d taught Augusta well but she wouldn’t let her charge go running after a mere knight. So without much coaxing from Augusta, the woman made her move when the object of her young charge’s attention began to move across the room. She intercepted him somewhere near the entry and, although he’d seemed annoyed, she managed to convince him to come and speak with her lady. After all, only a fool would refuse a summons from a princess and the young knight seemed to understand that. He wasn’t happy about it, but he understood it.
Now, Augusta had him where she wanted him.
“My lord,” Augusta curtsied to him politely when he finally stood in front of her. “I hope I am not causing you too much inconvenience, but I very much wished to speak with you. Would you please remind me of your name?”
Annoyed wasn’t quite what Rhogan was feeling. Angry was more like it. But, he kept his composure because it wouldn’t do to insult a princess. Still, his manner was less than friendly.
“I am Rhogan de Garr, my lady,” he said.
Augusta smiled, revealing slightly yellowed teeth in an otherwise pleasant smile. “Rhogan,” she repeated. “That is a very nice name. I understand that you are a knight, Sir Rhogan.”
“I am, my lady.”
“Have you seen much action?”
“I have seen enough, my lady.”
Augusta had been schooled well by French women in the art of conversation. She had her dialogue well-planned, something she had been taught – to control the man, you must control the conversation.
She was prepared.
“Our host has told me that you are a fine warrior,” she lied. She’d never even spoken to de Winter about him, but she had a point to make and favor to gain. “I am in England because I am looking for fine warriors. That is why I am here with Sir Hugh. I am in negotiations with him.”
Rhogan wasn’t interested in anything she was saying. He kept looking over his shoulder at Val de Nerra, a tall man whose head was above most of the people in the room. Val was still speaking with de Winter but that could rapidly change. Rhogan kept an eye on him. Still, he thought he should pay some attention to the conversation as to not appear entirely rude. Therefore, he focused on her last statement.
“Negotiations?” he said. “For what?”
Augusta had been hoping he would ask. “For support for my properties in Limburg,” she said. “You see, my father’s mother has passed away and I inherited her properties, but there is a terrible lord who has taken them over. I want them back. My father has supplied me with men but I need more. That is why I am here. I have money to pay for men and Sir Hugh has promised to help me find them.”
Rhogan simply nodded; he was still looking over his shoulder. “Then I wish you well, my lady. If you will excuse me, I have something I must attend to.”
“Wait,” Augusta said quickly, becoming increasingly upset that he didn’t seem interested in what she was saying. When he paused impatiently and looked at her, she knew she had to do all she could to make the man remain with her. She wasn’t used to men who weren’t interested in her and it was a blow to that massive ego. “I wished to speak with you because you are a knight. Lord de Winter said you were a great one. I can see that he spoke the truth.”
Rhogan was like any other man; he had his pride and his pride liked to be fed, even by an annoying little princess. “Thank you, my lady.”
It was at that moment that Juliana moved away from the table with Aland next to her and Rhogan’s attention shifted to the pair. Damn Aland! He didn’t want that fool anywhere near Juliana. But his lack of attention towards Augusta was obvious and the girl could see that she was all but forgotten. He had no interest in her. But she couldn’t stand losing out to an Englishwoman. The tears began to come, however forced.
“I need help,” she said, lowering her head and sniffling. “My lord, I know I am not as grand as your English ladies, but I need your help. I need the help of strong and seasoned knights such as yourself. That is why I wished to speak to you; I have an army but I need skilled commanders and I would pay you very well. I would even give you lands in Brabant that belong to me. Of course, if fortune and lands do not interest you, then forgive me for wasting your time, but what I am offering, most men would gladly take.”
Fortune and lands. Those two words echoed in Rhogan’s head. He had virtually shut the princess out until he heard that. Now, he found himself pondering those words. Fortune and lands. For a man who had nothing but his good name, the words were as alluring as a whisper from a beautiful woman.
They were, in fact, something all men wished for.
Augusta was right – most men would gladly take a reward of fortune and lands for their service. That was how almost all knights that weren’t born into nobility received their wealth. Rhogan had been a squire for eight years and a knight for the past two, and he’d been low in the ranks of importance because he was simply a young knight, without much to his name, with a father who had also simply been a knight in the service of de Nerra and had very little to pass to his son. Rhogan had always known he would have to earn whatever he wanted in life and, now, he was evidently being afforded that opportunity far sooner than he’d ever expected. A French princess with a problem, seeking men to help her.
&
nbsp; As much as he hated to admit it, the prospect was more attractive by the moment.
Perhaps speaking to Val de Nerra was going to have to wait.
“Very well, my lady,” he said to Augusta. “You have my interest. I will listen.”
Augusta smiled, relieved and thrilled that she’d won his attention away from the English woman. “May we go somewhere to speak privately?” she asked. “It is so noisy in here. I do not wish for others to hear our conversation.”
With a final glance over his shoulder at Val, and also at Juliana who was now standing with her parents, Rhogan emitted a grunt of frustration that he was letting this princess pull him away from what he’d really wanted to do. But with the lure of a fortune and lands, he couldn’t pass it up. He had to hear what her proposition entailed because if he didn’t, he’d probably wonder for the rest of his life just what he’d missed.
And, by damn, he wanted wealth and glory for himself.
Rhogan never made it to Val after that, and Juliana didn’t see him for the rest of the night. Disappointed, she returned with her family to Hampshire, wondering if Rhogan had simply forgotten about her. She believed, completely, that her entire conversation with him on that snowy night had been a lie. He hadn’t been serious about her in the least and the disappointment she felt as the days and weeks passed, and still no Rhogan, consumed her from the inside out. Her heart, so tender in Rhogan’s hands, had become a broken and bleeding mass. His lies had crushed her.
She felt like a fool for giving her faith to the man and believing him.
Exactly six weeks after the Christmas feast at Hollyhock House, Rhogan’s father, Mayne, made the announcement that his son was betrothed to French princess.
Something inside Juliana died on that day.
CHAPTER FOUR
A GHOST OF MEMORY
Four Years Later
December, 1201 A.D.
Selborne Castle, Hampshire
“He has asked for your hand, sweetheart. I know this is a sensitive subject, but I have told you this many times – he would be worth considering.”
A gentle snow was falling outside of the solar window, blanketing everything in a cloud of white.
Juliana could feel the icy breeze on her face, causing her breath to come out in great clouds. She had the oiled cloth curtain peeled back in her hand as she gazed into the bailey of Selborne Castle, where she’d been born. It had been in her father’s family for almost a century. It was home to her, but it was also her prison. She’d hardly left it for the past four years and she surely didn’t care.
A refuge, a prison… it was all the same to her.
And now this. An offer of marriage from Aland de Ferrers, another offer in a long line of offers that Aland had been submitting ever since the Christmas feast at Hollyhock House those years ago. It was a night Juliana wouldn’t speak of, the night when Rhogan had promised her the world and then left her to marry someone else. Over the years, her hurt and disappointment in that incident hadn’t faded much. Instead of an open wound, these days, it was simply a painful scar. She didn’t like to pick at it and neither did her family.
But for her father, it had been difficult to watch his eldest daughter pine away for a man she could never have. His wife had been more tolerant of Juliana’s pain but Val hated to watch her suffer. De Ferrers was an excellent match and, to be honest, he’d put the man off as long as he intended to. Soon enough, Aland would tire of waiting for Juliana and look elsewhere for a wife. And at twenty years of age, Juliana was well on her way to becoming a spinster. If Val had anything to say about it, that wouldn’t happen. Therefore, he tried to be gentle with her.
“Juli?” he said softly. “Did you hear me?”
Juliana sighed heavily. “I heard you, Papa,” she said, letting the oiled cloth drop as she turned away from the window. “We have had this discussion before, you and I. I have known Aland since I was young and he is a nice man, but I do not wish to marry him.”
They were in Val’s solar as Val sat behind his big table, pockmarked from years of use. Seated in a comfortable chair, he watched his daughter as she made her way aimlessly towards the hearth. In truth, he understood her reluctance to marry because, long ago in this very same room, he and his mother had shared many a conversation about his reluctance to marry also.
His reasons had been a little different but he understood Juliana’s hesitation just the same. Ironic how he now found himself in the same position his mother had been in those years ago – trying to convince a child that marriage was the right thing to do.
“Before I met your mother, your grandmother and I used to have much the same discussion that you and I are having now,” he said. “I did not want to marry because I felt there was too much in my life that I was responsible for without having the added burden of a wife. Of course, that changed when I met your mother.”
Juliana looked at him. “But you love Mama,” she said. “You were able to marry the woman you love. I will not be able to marry the man I love and if I cannot have him, then I do not wish to marry anyone. Papa, must we really have this discussion again?”
Val nodded patiently. “We must,” he said. “Sweetheart, I know you do not wish to marry anyone other than Rhogan and I sympathize with you. But the fact remains that he is married to a French princess and has been for a few years now. Holding out hope that he will suddenly appear and sweep you away is foolish and well you know it. You are twenty years of age now and would make a fine wife for any deserving man. Aland is a good man and would provide an excellent life for you. He is a lord, after all, and you would be titled Lady Hawkley. You would have wealth and standing. Is that so bad?”
Juliana’s head knew he was correct but her heart couldn’t justify it. Sadly, she shook her head. “Nay, Papa, it is not,” she said. “But I do not love him.”
“It is not expected that you should love your husband. Your mother and I were lucky; ours was a love match. But if you like Aland, then that is acceptable. Marriage is based on many more important things than simply love.”
Juliana knew that. It was perfectly acceptable not to adore the person you married; no one expected love matches in marriage these days. But her heart was so very heavy at the thought.
“How would you have felt if you had married a woman you did not love?” she asked. “To think of the life you have spent with Mama – can you imagine your life without her?”
Val had a feeling she was going to use her parents’ marriage to justify her point and there wasn’t much he could say against it.
“Nay, I cannot,” he said honestly. “But we were very fortunate. Not everyone is so blessed, Juli. You must come to terms with the fact that you may not be so lucky as your mother and I were. Aland is offering you a good home and a place of respect. It is an excellent offer, sweetheart. I would not suggest it to you if I did not feel it was best for you.”
Juliana stood by the hearth, gazing into the flames and thinking of Rhogan. Everything her father said made perfect sense and she was loath to admit that he was correct. She was going to have to let her dreams of Rhogan go, for he had married his French princess and had probably never given her another thought. It was a sad realization, but a truthful one. He had married his lady and, certainly, he didn’t spend his time thinking of her. Whatever love she felt was very one-sided.
Still… she couldn’t seem to move away from it.
“I know, Papa,” she said sadly. “I suppose I have let a young girl’s dreams interfere in everything.”
Val could only hope that she was finally coming to see reason. “That is not true,” he said. “You have held on to your dreams because that is what dreams are for – to give us hope, to bring us comfort. But there comes a point in every man or every woman’s life when they must realize that a dream is just that – a dream. It is not real. It is a wish. Your wishes for Rhogan cannot be. It is something you must accept.”
“She does not have to accept it entirely.”
Ve
sper, Juliana’s mother, entered the chamber. She had been standing by the door and heard the last of the exchange between father and daughter. A beautiful woman who had hardly aged over the years, she looked very much like her eldest daughter. Her heart hurt for the young woman, knowing what she was going through. She went to her child, putting a tender hand on Juliana’s cheek.
“Dreams are not meant to be cast aside and forgotten,” she said to her daughter. “They are meant to be tucked away in your heart, to be remembered fondly. You do not have to forget about Rhogan completely, my love. But it is his ghost that stands between you and a life of happiness. You feel as if you will not be happy without him; you will never know unless you try. To hold Rhogan up as if he is a real future for you is a waste, and I do not wish to see you waste your life.”
It was unfortunate for Juliana that both of her parents were making sense. Everything they said sounded so rational. But she simply couldn’t let go of the ideal that Rhogan had become to her. Ghost or not, he was as real to her as he ever was.
That would never change.
“I know,” she said miserably. “I know you are trying to help, both of you, but I have always loved Rhogan. You know this. I was six years old when I first realized he was something special to me and I have never overcome that. Rhogan has been part of me for a very long time. I always hoped to marry for love; I hoped to marry him. You and Papa married for love, and my dearest friend Lyssa married her husband for love. Even now, Lyssa and Garret have two children and she says her life has never been happier. Why can I not have such happiness, too?”
Vesper patted her cheek. “Because you are different from your papa and me, or Lyssa and Garret. You are unique unto yourself and your life will follow the path that has been predestined for it by God.” She dropped her hand and fixed her daughter in the eye. “Do you not understand, my love? God has given you His answer. He has taken Rhogan away because you were not meant to be with him. You must understand that God has a plan for you and you must be accepting of it. To fight it will only make you miserable. You have been miserable for four years now. Certainly you do not like being miserable, do you?”
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