Melissa took a deep breath.
“We had agreed that the tour he was on would be his last. We had talked about having another baby, buying a home. I had spent months looking at real estate online and dreaming of the perfect little house with a swing set and a yard for Jett. And maybe even a nursery for another baby. Without even consulting me, he sent our plans up in smoke. Jesse and I didn’t just argue. We full-on fought. It was like all the disappointments and worry and loneliness came out all at once. Hysterical, I tried to hold on to something I knew was slipping away from me. I wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say. I told him if he was going to go he should just go. Then I told Jesse that I didn’t love him anymore.” Melissa’s voice broke on the last sentence.
“People say things in anger, Melissa,” Crow said. “They do and say things all the time.”
Melissa continued on like she hadn’t heard him.
“I think he finally realized the impact of what he had done. He tried to talk to me, to reason with me. But I was beyond listening. I wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me. I just kept throwing those angry, ugly words at him right up until I guess he couldn’t stand to hear them anymore. Then he closed that door behind him. He went to stay with his parents for the rest of his leave. He called every day, but I wouldn’t answer the phone. He even showed up at the house a few times, but I wouldn’t answer the door. I was hurt and stupid and stubborn. So when his leave was up, he left. And the minute, the very minute that I knew for sure he was on his way back to the base, it finally sunk in what I had done. I tried to call him and I sent email after email, but I couldn’t reach him. I wanted him to know that no matter what I said that I loved him and that I would wait for him ….that I still loved him. I was frantic. I even called his commanding officer, but as soon as he had landed they sent him out on that mission. I never spoke to Jesse again. He died thinking he had lost Jett and me.”
She heaved a big sigh and her hands shook.
“Jesse was a good pilot, Crow. One of the best. I don’t know what happened out there, but I have to think that maybe if he had left with a clear mind, the accident never would have happened. For a long, long time after Jesse died I was a mess. I couldn’t get out of bed. If it wasn’t for Jett, I don’t know if I would have made it. My grandpa and dad took care of my son for me. Then Jett started to get sick. His asthma got really bad, and I knew that I had to get up out of that damn bed and be a mother to him again. I took Jett to a specialist in Boston where he was diagnosed with cough spasmodic croup asthma. The doctor put him on a rigid steroid regiment and inhaler plan. That scared me. Jett was so little and I didn’t want him on all that medication. When the doctor suggested that a different climate might help to relieve Jett’s symptoms, I jumped at the chance. I thought it would be a fresh start for us.”
She paused and then continued.
“Before I started out on the road, I picked up my wedding ring up from the jewelers. But by then I had lost so much weight that I couldn’t wear it on my finger anymore. I had them put it on a chain. Thinking about it now, I honestly don’t know if I wore it to feel closer to Jesse or to punish myself.” Melissa shrugged.
She gestured towards the little cottage and gave Crow a small smile.
“This place…the house. It helped. Fixing it up felt like I was fixing my life again. It was peaceful and remote enough so that I felt comfortable. And then you came…and all hell broke loose.” She smiled at him then.
Crow’s eyes hadn’t left hers.
“Tommy?” He nudged her on.
“Ahh…Tommy.” Melissa sighed and her eyes darkened. “I don’t think I have a childhood memory of the crazy kid stuff that Jesse and I did together that doesn’t include Tommy Hinks. Like I told you, he looked out for me when he came home on leave. But he didn’t only look out for me, he looked out for Jesse too. I know Jesse’s death devastated him. After that chance meeting at the carnival, Tommy came to visit me while you were gone. But he didn’t just come to visit. He came to bring me this.”
Melissa reached into her pocket and pulled out the battered worn envelope. When Crow raised an eyebrow, Melissa felt a shiver of anxiety rifle through her.
“Tommy almost died trying to save Jesse and I was so damn deep in my own selfish grief that I couldn’t make a phone call or send a card or show up with a damn bouquet of flowers while he lay in that military hospital. And because I couldn’t do that, Tommy couldn’t give me the last letter that Jesse wrote to me before he died. Because I was so damn fragile in my own grief no one would even tell him where I was. They were afraid seeing him and hearing what he had to say would send me over the edge again. So along with all the rest of the hell Tommy had to go through, he had the extra burden of carrying Jesse’s last words around for years.”
“Melissa…” Crow started.
But she held up her hand. “Let me finish, Crow. I want you to know…I need you to know all of it.”
Crow nodded and Melissa continued.
“When I saw Tommy, my first instinct was to run away. Not because I was shocked at seeing him. Sure there was that, but it was something else. Something much more self-serving. It was because I had had such a nice day. I had had such a normal fun time with you that I didn't want anything to interfere with that. I resented him being there. I resented it, Crow. I just didn’t want to go back to that dark place anymore. And once Tommy and I started talking, I realized that he didn't want to relive any of it either. He had moved on from the pain and the darkness too. So we talked and laughed and joked like the old friends we were. But, of course, we couldn't leave it like that. Tommy couldn't leave it like that. So he came to the house and brought me this letter.” She looked at the worn envelope with sorrow.
“He said that Jesse had given it to him before they went on that last mission. It was a practice that they had started when they first joined up. Before the more dangerous missions, they would give each other a letter to deliver in case one of them didn’t make it back. When it was over they would light a cigar and burn the letters. It was kind of a ritual they had. Except for this time…well…you know the rest.”
Melissa sighed heavily and looked again at the envelope in her lap.
“What does it say?” Crow kept his voice even.
“I don't know.” Melissa answered, feeling every bit the coward that she thought herself to be. “That's the rest of it. I couldn't bring myself to read it, Crow. I'm afraid to read it. And now the thing has taken on a life of its own. I can't sleep. I can't eat. And until my grandfather got sick and tonight…with you… it's the only thing I’ve been able think about. I had finally come to terms with what happened between Jesse and me in the end. But to hear it from him. To hear what he must have thought of me screaming those ugly words at him. I just don’t know if I can handle that.”
Melissa looked at Crow with tears in her eyes, “So now you know that truth about me."
“Yeah? And what’s that?” Crow looked at her.
“I’m a coward. A selfish coward.”
“That’s not how I see it. And I don’t think that is how he saw it either, Melissa. Read the letter,” he told her.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“You have to.”
Melissa slumped with the weight of his words and opened her mouth to protest and stall the inevitable, but instead she nodded her head in silent agreement.
It was time.
“You’ll stay here with me while I read it?”
He shook his head.
Melissa looked helplessly at him, “No?”
Crow got up and walked toward her. Then he pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the forehead. “No. I won’t do that. This is between you and Jesse. The last thing between you and him. So you read it, baby, and be done with it.”
Melissa felt the loss of Crow’s warm strong body the minute he moved away from her.
“Whatever is in that letter, we’ll deal with it together,” he told her. “I’ll be waiting at hom
e for you when you’re done.”
Then he pulled her to him one more time and kissed her deeply.
“Yeah.” he looked into her eyes. “Come home to me when you’re done.”
Chapter 41
Melissa watched Crow's retreating back. She wanted to run after him, put her hand in his and walk back with him to the pretty house. Now that they had finally found each other she didn't want to let him go.
Her grip tightened on the envelope until her hand cramped and the paper was damp and crinkled. Melissa paced the edge of the pond. She took a deep breath and another hit of her now cold coffee. The sun was higher on the horizon now. Puffs of soft lavender and streaks of pale pink melted away and left nothing but clear blue sky.
The morning air was still cool and a few remaining droplets of fresh dew clung stubbornly to thick blades of grass. The dying fire sputtered and crackled a warning that soon it would be nothing more than embers. A bird called from somewhere in the distance as a slight wind rose up and sighed through the trees.
It was going to be a beautiful day.
Melissa’s gaze turned to the dying fire and then to the letter in her hand. She circled and circled the flames until the heat lulled her into an uneasy stupor.
She was terrified.
Certainly more frightened than she had ever been in her life. She sat for a while and stared at the sun as it rose higher and higher in the sky. When its bright rays had chased away all the shadows Melissa came to a decision.
She decided that she didn't want to know what was in the letter.
The risk that the words could set her spiraling back down that rabbit hole of despair was just too great.
“Read it? No my beautiful granddaughter, I don’t think you should read it. I think you should burn it.”
Her fingers tightened around the fragile paper and she held her hand out over the dying flames. She watched the heat darken the blue of the envelope until small patches of black began to form on the paper. Another few seconds and the whole thing would ignite.
And still her hands remained steady over the flames.
Melissa felt the heat singe the tiny hair on her outstretched arms. As if in a trance, she watched as a thin tail of smoke rose from the paper's now curled edges. The unmistakable smell of burning paper tickled her nose as she watched dry-eyed while the edge of the envelope suddenly ignited and began to burn.
A million flashbacks of her time with Jesse raced unbidden through her mind.
Memories of all the firsts the young couple shared came flooding back to Melissa in raging torrents.
The first time he smiled at her.
That first tentative, sweet kiss.
The first time they made love.
The look of pride on Jesse’s face when he put his cadet uniform on for the very first time.
The look of love in his eyes when he first held his newborn son.
For the first time in a very long time Melissa let herself think about how her story with Jesse began instead of how it ended.
She thought about all the love.
Suddenly Melissa snatched her hand back and out of the fire. She stomped hard on the paper until all the flames were put out.
Because she had to know.
She had trusted in their love once. And now, for the last and maybe most important time, she had to trust in that just once more.
And so with shaking hands she began to slowly and carefully tear apart the scorched envelope that sheltered her husband’s last words.
***
Hey Beautiful,
If you're reading this, I guess you've already heard the news. I'm sorry, Mel, because you deserve so much more from me than a few words written on a piece of paper. But I guess it's going to have to do.
There are so many things that I want to say to you and I hope to God I get a chance to say them. I hope I get to burn this paper and light up a cigar with Tommy, then call you on the phone and spill my guts like I have done a dozen times before.
But if things don't go that way, there's just a few things that I want you to know.
I know that I wasn't always the easiest person to love. But I want you to know that you were. Loving you was the easiest thing that I've ever done.
And I’m sorry we had that messed up fight before I left. I’m really, really sorry, Mel. I’m sorry for the things I said and the things I made you say. I would give anything to take it all back.
I’m going nuts here because I know you and I know that you’re going to relive that last stupid, crazy argument over and over again in your mind.
Don’t do that.
Jesus, Mel, promise me you won’t do that.
Because you were right. I’m a stupid, selfish sonofabitch. Don’t blame yourself for trying to make me see that. I see that now. Heading back to the base and away from you and our son, I see that now. Thank you for being brave enough to fight for us. For saying and doing everything in your power to make me stay. Those messed-up words that we threw out at each other in a few minutes of anger doesn’t change any part of how much I love you. Forgive yourself for saying those things. Forgive me for making you say them.
I love you, Mel.
I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you better. I'm sorry that I didn't hold on to you so tight that even time and distance and the will of God could not separate us.
But most of all, when you asked me to, I’m sorry that I didn’t stay. I hope that you can forgive me for that. For not staying.
I have to go now, Mel. I hope I get the chance to say all of this in person. But if I don't, know that I took my last breath loving you.
Forever yours,
Jesse
Melissa’s cheeks were wet when she clasped the letter tight to her chest. She sat with it in her lap for a long time slowly folding and unfolding the bent creases imagining Jesse doing the same. Then she raised the worn paper up to her lips and pressed a soft kiss against each letter of his name and thanked him for all the gifts that life with him had given her.
And for all the happiness that they had shared.
Then she whispered a final goodbye to the first man that she had ever loved.
Melissa placed the letter in the dying embers and watched while it ignited a spark and burned under the dancing flames. She stayed there until there was nothing left but ashes flying in the sudden breeze.
Then Melissa turned her back on the past and walked down the path, through the small iron gate and across the driveway.
To Crow.
And to her future.
Epilogue
Nine months later.
The sun had just begun to rise when Crow sleepily moved to pull his wife closer. She had just come back from one of her frequent nightly trips to the bathroom and Crow was dimly aware that it seemed like this time she had been gone longer than usual.
“You okay, Babe?” he murmured drowsily against her hair.
“Yeah. I’m fine. But do you think you could go downstairs and grab the cell? I think we better call Angie. I put her number on the …”
Crow’s eyes flew open and he shot out of bed, “I know where the midwife’s number is. The baby’s coming?”
Melissa's small smile quickly turned to a grimace as put her hand on her tightening stomach,
“I’m not sure. But maybe. Yeah…I…”
Crow ran out of the room before Melissa could finish the sentence. He ran down the dimly lit hallway and swore loudly when his foot rammed into a roller blade that Jett had left on the floor. Then he bounded down the steps taking two at a time. After fumbling around for what felt like years, he found the light switch. Squinting against the bright light he scanned the cork board. Crow found the midwife's number written in red on the top of the list of emergency numbers. Then he grabbed the cell and ran back upstairs.
“Melissa?’ Crow halted at the door. A look of absolute horror crossed over his face when he saw his wife bent over double, clutching the headboard with a whi
te-knuckled grip.
“The baby is definitely coming. My water just broke,” she straightened and gestured to the puddle of water now at her feet. “You mind getting some towels and helping me…ahhhhhh.” Melissa doubled over again in pain.
“You need to get back in bed? Tell me what you need.” Crow was at her side in an instant.
“Is she coming?” Melissa held on to Crow’s forearm like a vise grip.
“Who?” Crow looked at Melissa blankly.
“Angie! Did you call her?”
“No. Not yet.” Crow heard the panic in his own voice.
“Honey. Unless you plan on delivering this baby yourself I think you might want to dial that number.” Melissa looked pointedly at the phone.
Crow looked down at the cell and began to punch out the numbers furiously. When the midwife answered on the second ring, Crow wondered what had taken her so long. She assured Crow in a voice that he considered much too relaxed that she was on her way.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the hospital? You want me to go wake up Jett?”
"No. No, hospital. We've talked about this a million times, Crow. We're gonna have this baby here. And I think soon. Don't wake up Jett yet. He'll be up soon enough. I'm surprised Bruiser hasn't started barking, but then again that puppy can sleep through just about anything," Melissa grimaced and grabbed the bed frame again as another contraction shuddered through her body.
As if on cue, a small yapping sound could be heard down the hall.
“Want me to go let Jett know everything is okay?” Crow moved to the door.
“That would be great but...” Melissa’s voice rose in a barely contained giggle.
“But what?” Crow turned and frowned.
“This time, before you leave the room, you might want to put some clothes on first.” She smiled at him with dancing eyes.
When Crow looked down to see that he was still naked, he scrubbed a hand over his face and smirked back at her.
Taming Crow (Hells Saints Motorcycle Club) Page 25
