Dieter looked up at his pale face and said, ‘Are you OK, Felix?’
Felix managed a shaky smile and said, ‘Yes, of course, I slipped coming down. It’s very overgrown.’ He took a deep breath, looking round the little quarry, and then said, in a voice as steady as he could make it, ‘Ready to go, then?’
‘Yes, yes, I am fine. Thank you for bringing me.’ Dieter got slowly to his feet and together they walked back to the track and began the climb up the hill. Both of them were lost in thought, but those thoughts couldn’t have been further apart. Dieter was enjoying the summer warmth and the beautiful sweep of the countryside, his mind at rest now that he’d paid his respects to his dead comrades. Felix, who’d thought things couldn’t get any worse in his marriage, had just discovered that they could.
Dieter was saying something and Felix suddenly realised that he hadn’t heard a word.
‘Sorry, Dieter, miles away. What did you say?’
‘I was saying that when Mr Shepherd asked me to visit his farm you said you would take me to it.’
So he had. At the time, before his world turned upside down, Felix had been happy enough to suggest it. But now? The Shepherds? Could he face John and Margaret after what he’d just seen? Could he face anyone?
‘Is it far?’ Dieter was asking, already assuming they were on their way.
‘No,’ Felix replied, ‘no, it’s not far.’
He led the way across the hill, following the path through the fields to Charing Farm. No, it wasn’t far. Not far enough. Nowhere was far enough from what Felix had just seen. They walked in silence, Dieter becoming aware of a change in Felix, but having no clue as to what had caused it. Was it something he’d said or done? He hoped not; he could think of nothing.
And then they were there, heralded as usual by the farm dogs. As they entered the farmyard they found John Shepherd lifting Edie down from a pony. He raised a hand in salute and set the child down.
‘Uncle Felix!’ cried Edie in delight and rushed over to hug him. ‘Gramp let me ride Muffin. He’s new!’
‘Lucky you, Edie!’ Felix swung her up onto his shoulders and she gripped his head with her fingers.
John greeted Dieter with a handshake and then led them round the house to the garden where they found Margaret weeding a flowerbed and Charlotte sitting in the sun, shelling peas. Johnny was kicking a football about with Danny and Davy, who were running happily round in circles. For a moment Felix paused, taking in the scene of normality, a family enjoying the summer sun on a Sunday afternoon, before Edie urged him on with her heels, calling, ‘Mummy, Uncle Felix is here!’
Charlotte looked up, her face breaking into a smile when she saw him. She set aside the basket of peas and said, ‘Felix, how lovely. Edie, you really are too big to ride on Uncle Felix’s shoulders now.’
‘She’s fine,’ Felix said as he swung her back down to the ground. ‘I’ve brought Dieter over.’
Dieter had seen Charlotte’s joy at seeing Felix. I was right, he thought, but what will happen about that shrew of a wife?
John stepped forward and introduced Dieter to Margaret. She’d been expecting him and greeted him warmly.
‘I’m pleased to see you looking so well, Dieter. May I call you Dieter?’
‘Please. Here among friends I am Dieter to everyone.’
Margaret made tea and they all sat in the sun, while the children played round them.
‘You’re very quiet, Felix,’ Charlotte said softly. ‘Have you found Dieter difficult?’
‘No, on the contrary,’ Felix answered. ‘We’ve been to the quarry. He wanted to see where his comrades died.’
‘Was there much to see?’
A vision of the two naked bodies in the hollow flashed, unbidden, into Felix’s mind.
‘No,’ he said, his voice gruff. He cleared his throat. ‘No, very little.’
Charlotte looked at him with concern. ‘Felix, are you all right?’
He forced a smile and said, ‘Fine. Never better.’ And turning away gave his attention to what Margaret was saying to Dieter.
‘I’m sorry my daughter isn’t here to meet you. She’s gone for a walk, but perhaps she’ll be back before you go.’
Faced with the thought of Jane arriving home at any moment, Felix got to his feet. ‘I’m afraid I have get back,’ he said. ‘I said I’d look in again on my mother later this afternoon.’
Dieter stood up at once, but Felix said, ‘You don’t have to come, Dieter. You can easily find your way back from here.’
‘You can walk back with us,’ Charlotte offered, and, saying, ‘If you are sure?’ Dieter sat down again. He was surprised at Felix leaving so soon, but he himself was happy enough to spend more time with Charlotte.
Felix took his farewell with a wave of his hand and set off down the path towards the village. The thought of seeing either Jane or Daphne again made him shudder.
*
For a long moment after Felix’s face had vanished from above them, Daphne and Jane remained immobile. They had heard Dieter and Felix arrive in the quarry, though they hadn’t realised at first who it was. Then Daphne had recognised Felix’s voice and she’d given a little gasp.
‘Felix!’ she mouthed to Jane.
Jane’s eyes widened. Daphne put a finger to her lips, and grinned. Fancy Felix being so close while they were in each other’s arms; Daphne quivered with the deliciousness of it. As they heard the two men talking outside, only feet away from them, she pulled Jane closer, her excitement heightened by Felix’s proximity. And then, suddenly, there he was, staring down at them, his eyes blank with disbelief. They heard him slithering down the quarry wall, heard Dieter’s voice and Felix answering, the sound of boots on stone and then silence.
It was Jane who finally pulled away and said, ‘What are we going to do now?’
Daphne shrugged. ‘Nothing.’
‘What do you mean, nothing?’ Jane’s voice squeaked with apprehension.
‘I mean nothing... nothing we hadn’t already planned. We’ll do what we’d agreed, except that I won’t wait for you to pick me up. You go back home and leave in the usual way. I’ll go back, collect my stuff and drive myself to Bristol. I’ll meet you at the flat.’ She reached over and kissed Jane on the lips. ‘This changes nothing!’
‘It changes everything,’ Jane told her. ‘He won’t have you back now.’
‘No, he won’t,’ Daphne agreed, ‘but I don’t want to go back.’
‘What will he tell everyone?’ Jane shuddered to think of their affair becoming common knowledge. ‘What’s he going to say?’
‘He’ll say that we’ve decided to separate, and that I’ve moved in to share a flat with my friend Jane. Lots of women share flats. Come on, Jane,’ Daphne said, her tone rallying, ‘it means we can be together. No more going home to Felix; no more putting up with him when I can have you!’
They dressed quickly and with a brief kiss they set off in different directions: Jane to Charing Farm, trying to appear to her parents as if nothing had happened; Daphne hurrying back to the manor to collect her stuff and leave. She didn’t know if Felix would be there, but she’d deal with that if necessary. She thought he’d probably steer clear of the house for a while. She could almost feel sorry for him as she remembered the look of stupefaction on his face.
She approached the house with caution, but there was no sign of anyone there. Letting herself in, she went into Felix’s study and opened his desk. There was the cash box in the drawer that he used for petty cash. She opened it and stuffed the contents into her handbag. Only a few pounds, but it would all help. She wondered if he’d stop paying her allowance into her account; probably, but not, she hoped, immediately. Then she picked up her cases and carried them out to the car. She was just in time. As she pulled out of the drive and turned into the lane towards the village, she saw Felix rounding the corner from the other direction. She didn’t stop.
Felix saw her drive away with a sigh of relief. He was in no mood fo
r confrontation. That was for another day. Daphne had gone, and at present he never wanted to see her again. He turned in at the gate and went indoors in search of the whisky bottle.
40
Charlotte got the children bathed and into bed. They were all tired after the excitement of the day. Both Johnny and Edie had had a ride on the new pony, Muffin, and the twins were already tugging at Gramp’s trousers, asking to be put up on Barney. There had been a game of hide and seek, the boys had played football of a sort, and then Felix had turned up with Dieter in tow. To Charlotte’s disappointment, Felix hadn’t stayed long, but Dieter had waited and walked home with her.
Before they’d left Jane had come back from her walk, even more snappish than usual. She was introduced to Dieter, but she had hardly a civil word for him before she stumped off upstairs, collected her overnight bag and slung it into the boot of her car.
‘I’ve got to get back,’ she told her parents.
‘It’s been lovely having you home for the night,’ said Margaret as she kissed her cheek. ‘Come out again soon.’
‘Of course, Mum,’ Jane promised, wondering as she did so if she’d ever be able to come back to Wynsdown if her affair with Daphne became public knowledge.
‘You look, tired, darling,’ Margaret said. ‘You’re working too hard. Time you had a proper holiday.’
‘It’s not easy, Mum.’
‘I know, but you should still think about it... find yourself a nice doctor and settle down.’
‘For goodness’ sake, Mum, don’t start!’
Margaret gave a rueful smile. ‘I’m not. Dad and I just want to see you happy and settled.’
‘I know,’ Jane sighed. ‘I know.’
When Jane had gone, Charlotte packed up the children’s things and with the twins sitting squashed into the pushchair and the other two cavorting along beside them, she and Dieter set off back to the village.
Edie watched Dieter’s rather unsteady progress and after a while she said, ‘Why do you walk funny like that?’
‘Because I had an accident and I hurt my legs.’
‘Don’t they work any more?’
‘They do, but not well like they used to.’
‘You should go to the doctor’s,’ Edie advised. ‘Our doctor’s called Uncle Henry.’
Dieter smiled. ‘That’s good advice. I’m going home tomorrow, but perhaps I will visit my doctor when I get there.’
‘I didn’t know you were leaving so soon.’ Charlotte, overhearing this conversation, fell in beside him.
‘Yes, I have finished all I came to do here. Perhaps I will return when the names of my comrades have been added to the stone in the churchyard. Mr Swanson will...’ he hesitated, looking for the word, ‘say prayers for them again. He will write to me when that will be.’ He turned and looked at Charlotte. ‘If I cannot come, will you go there... stand with them for me? They were not bad men. It is war that is bad.’
Charlotte looked at his earnest face and took his hand. ‘Yes, of course,’ she said. ‘I promise.’
Dieter smiled at her. He knew she was a girl who kept her promises.
They had parted at the village green, Charlotte and her children trailing up the last couple of hundred yards to Blackdown House. Dieter watched her and her family until they turned the corner and were out of sight and with a sigh walked back to the Magpie. He knew he would never come back to Wynsdown, there was nothing for him here. He had met Charlotte, and having done so, knew there would never be anyone else, but he also knew she wasn’t for him. If Felix ever managed to free himself from his cold bitch of a wife, then, Dieter knew, he would find happiness with Charlotte, and it was a happiness he didn’t begrudge either of them.
Back at the Magpie he told Jack and Mabel he would be leaving the next day and asked them to arrange for Fred Jones to collect him in his taxi the following morning. It was time to go home.
*
Charlotte was playing the piano when she heard it: a knock at the front door. She rested her hands on the keys, cocking her head to listen. It came again. She looked at her watch and wondering who it could be at nearly nine o’clock on a Sunday evening, she went to the door.
‘Felix!’
‘Can I come in?’ He was standing propped up against the door jamb, as if for support.
‘Of course.’ Charlotte stood aside to let him pass and he stumbled into the house. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Yes, of course I am,’ replied Felix, his words slightly slurred.
‘You’ve been drinking.’
‘A bit.’
‘A lot,’ remarked Charlotte, but with a smile to soften her words. He staggered into the sitting room and slumped down onto the sofa. Charlotte went and knelt beside him, reaching for his hands.
Goodness knows how much he’s had, she thought as he looked up at her with red-rimmed eyes and she was treated to a blast of alcoholic breath.
‘Felix, what on earth has happened? What’s the matter?’
‘Everything,’ Felix answered.
‘Tell me.’
‘I can’t,’ he groaned. He’d come to Charlotte for comfort, but now he was here he knew he couldn’t tell her everything.
‘Felix, I’m here. You can tell me anything. Is it Daphne? Has something happened to her?’
‘Is it Daphne?’ Felix gave a mirthless laugh. ‘Oh, it’s Daphne, all right.’
‘What’s happened to her? Is she ill?’
‘No. She’s gone.’
‘Gone?’
‘Walked out.’
‘Oh, Felix.’ Her grip on his fingers tightened. ‘Dear Felix, I’m so sorry.’
‘Are you? Well, I’m not.’
‘You’re not?’ Charlotte was confused.
‘No, she’s gone and I’m glad.’
Why, then, she wanted to ask, have you hit the bottle? What she actually said was, ‘Are you? D’you want to tell me about it?’
‘No... yes... I don’t know.’ He closed his eyes and for a moment Charlotte thought he’d fallen asleep. Silence settled round them and she let go of his hands, wriggling to make herself more comfortable on the floor. At her movement Felix’s eyes opened again, and for a moment he looked about as if he didn’t know where he was. Then seeing Charlotte sitting on the floor beside the sofa, he rubbed his eyes.
Encouraged by this, Charlotte took his hand again and said, ‘I’m not trying to pry, Felix, you don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to. I just hate seeing you so miserable.’
‘Angry,’ Felix said. ‘Angry, not miserable. I should have realised ages ago.’
‘Realised what?’
‘That it’s all been a lie,’ Felix said bitterly. ‘It’s been lies from the very beginning.’
‘Lies?’
‘From the very beginning, my marriage to Daphne was founded on lies.’
Charlotte waited, still holding his hand, her thumb gently caressing his; simply waited for him to speak. At last, his voice soft and low, he told her everything that had happened over the weekend. Well, almost everything. He did not mention going to the quarry with Dieter and what he’d discovered there. He couldn’t bring himself to confide that to her or anyone.
As she listened, Charlotte longed to reach out and take him in her arms, hold him close as she would one of the children to comfort him.
‘Oh, my dearest Felix, I’m so sorry,’ she murmured when he’d finally finished and silence slipped round them again. Felix raised their joined hands to his lips and said, softly, ‘Don’t be. Don’t be sorry, Charlotte, it’s left me free. Free to love you.’
‘Me?’ Charlotte looked up in amazement.
‘You.’
‘But...’
‘Up until now I felt bound to Daphne. I knew I didn’t love her any more, but I was married to her.’
‘You still are,’ pointed out Charlotte. ‘Married to her.’
‘Yes, but not bound to her. She’s been having an affair for months, maybe years.’
‘An affair? Who with?’
‘That doesn’t matter,’ Felix said. ‘Someone in Bristol, but as far as I’m concerned her infidelity releases me. I’m free to love someone else.’
‘And that’s me?’
‘It has been since that day in the churchyard when you told me about the twins.’ He looked down at her, anxiety in his eyes. ‘From that day it sort of crept up on me and then suddenly I realised that I loved you. I wanted to look after you, protect you, become part of your life. I do love you, Charlotte. Do you mind?’
‘Mind?’ Tears sprang to Charlotte’s eyes. ‘Mind? Why should I mind, Felix?’
‘Because of Billy. Because it’s too soon?’
‘Is it? Is it too soon? I don’t know.’ She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking of the void Billy had left behind, her sorrow at his loss, her anger at fate leaving her abandoned and her aching loneliness without him. Felix, not daring to speak, remained silent as he watched the emotions pass across her face.
‘I loved Billy with all my heart,’ Charlotte said softly. ‘I still love him, but he’s not here to love me. He’s a part of me, he always will be, he’s a part of my children. Maybe it is too soon, I don’t know yet. The idea that you love me is too new. I’ve got to get used to it. To believe it.’
‘Believe it,’ Felix said. ‘Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere, but my darling girl, please believe it.’ He stroked her cheek. ‘I know you still love Billy but I’m hanging on to the hope that maybe, one day, you’ll have room in your heart for me, too.’
‘Oh, Felix, you’re there already. I don’t know when or how, but you’re there. I love you and now, unbelievably, here you are, loving me.’
‘Charlotte,’ Felix’s voice was husky as he repeated her name, ‘Charlotte.’ He drew her into his arms, crushing her against him as she raised her face for his kiss. ‘My darling girl.’
When they finally broke apart Charlotte gave a choking laugh and said, ‘You taste of whisky!’
The Married Girls Page 41
