“Yep, I was just having a hard time with Rory and halo in the same sentence when it doesn’t include video games. He doesn’t seem the type. The only love he shared was self-love. It’s a good thing we didn’t have selfies back then. He would’ve never had time to learn to dance,” I respond with my tongue firmly in my cheek.
“I don’t think I can give an unbiased opinion so I think I should probably refrain from commenting,” Aidan replies as he takes a drink of his pop.
Smirking, I toss the throw pillow at him as I say, “Well, don’t ever play poker because your body language tells the whole story.”
Wearily, Aidan sticks the throw pillow behind his head and closes his eyes as he asks, “Tara, what am I supposed to do with all this? Do you expect me to walk away from the opportunity of a lifetime because they might make me look like a clown at some future date 20 years down the line? So, they will own the rights to one song that I have yet to write—is that really the end of the world? I write lots of songs. Some of them are really good in others of them are crap. What if this is my one and only chance to make it big? Can I afford to walk away from that?”
Damn, I knew I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. I didn’t come here to be a dream killer. Now, I feel like I’ve made matters worse. Aidan was right, I’ve turned out to be the worst kind of distraction. He looks completely destroyed. Before I have a chance to second-guess myself, I go over to the couch where he’s still sitting with his eyes closed and curl my body next to him. I lay my head on his shoulder and whisper in his ear, “I’m so sorry Aidan. I wish there were easy answers to this. I wish this was the straight out fairytale ending you were hoping for. I’m sorry I ruined that for you.”
Aidan wraps his arms around me in a tight hug as he shakes his head against my temple and responds, “Gracie, you didn’t ruin anything. You didn’t stick that crazy language in the contract, they did. You just had the smarts to point it out. Now, I just have to decide what the hell I’m going to do about it.”
“Well, you haven’t signed anything yet. Is there anything that indicates you have to sign a deal exactly as it’s written? Can you modify it at all?”
Aidan scrubs his hand down his face in frustration as he answers, “I don’t know. That Ms. Branch lady made it sound like everything needed to be notarized by 8 o’clock in the morning for everything to be able to go smoothly.”
“That’s true. She did make it sound urgent. On the other hand, she absolutely loved your audition and they might be willing to make some concessions to be able to have you on the show. It might be worth it to ask. I’m not sure that you want to take this deal lock, stock and barrel. There’s not much upside for you as it’s written.”
“What if messing with the deal costs me the whole game?” Aidan asks, his green eyes intense with emotion.
Stuffing my hands in my back pockets so that I’m not tempted to bite my nails, I regard him carefully as I answer him somberly, “Aidan, only you know how much you have at stake with this and how much you’re willing to risk. I can’t make the call for you. But, I’ll support your decision either way.”
Suddenly, Aidan envelops me in a huge full-bodied hug reminiscent of our childhood days. “I never had a second of doubt that you would, Tara. You always were my biggest fan, whether I was a star or just the geeky kid that sat next to you in class telling awful knock-knock jokes.”
“Hey, there’s a lot to be said for the power of knock-knock jokes,” I tease.
In an uncharacteristic move, Aidan doesn’t follow my lead. Instead, he continues to hold me loosely in his arms and massage my neck with his thumbs. He pauses for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. “Gracie, I know I screwed up when I turned down the offer from Juilliard. I don’t want to do that again. You don’t know what it’s been like to dink around the edges of success for all these years pretending to have an identity as a musician but still having to take somebody’s mashed potatoes back to the kitchen because they’re not hot enough or having to apologize to the customer because the fourth new chef in three months doesn’t know how to cook a steak medium rare. It’s demoralizing. What if this is supposed to be my big break and I pass it up because of some fussy language in a contract that might never apply to me?” He asks as he rests his forehead against mine.
“Aidan, I think you forgot I was at that audition today. I heard you sing. I know with my whole heart that even if it’s not this venue, somewhere you’re going to make it in the music business. You are a phenomenal musician. You always have been. What you showed out there today is only a small fraction of your talent. So, you’re going to make it with or without this show. If they won’t do it on your terms then maybe this isn’t the right vehicle for you,” I insist firmly.
Aidan’s body is still filled with tension and his face is drawn tight with fatigue and indecision. Finally, I decide perhaps the best thing I can do is be the distraction that he feared I might be. I thread my arms around his neck and press my body against his as I stand on my toes to plant a kiss on his very surprised lips.
I am not sure which of us is the most shocked. I have been fantasizing about doing this since the wedding, but I never imagined that I would actually have the nerve to follow through on my wild thoughts. My heart is beating a million miles an hour as my nipples brush against his ribbed T-shirt. I didn’t expect such a benign, simple touch to seem so erotic.
My eyes drift shut involuntarily as a wave of pleasure radiates through my body. I feel like I’ve suddenly stepped into the sunshine after years of being frozen. I just want to sit there and bask in the warm touch and allow my icy layers to fall away. I give happy little moan of pleasure.
Aidan’s long fingers tighten around my waist as he answers with a grown of his own. “Gracie, are you still okay with what’s happening here?” he murmurs in my ear.
Tears spring to my eyes as I think about the implications of his question. But, I’m determined not to allow Warren Jones to ruin every relationship I will ever have in the future. It’s time for me to take my power back. Still, it shows so much about Aidan’s character that he would even bother to worry about how the simple act of kissing would impact me. I am incredibly touched by his concern. I open my eyes to study his amazingly handsome face and answer directly as I can. With as many unknowns as I have in my life right now.
“Aidan, I don’t know if this is will still be okay in two minutes, five minutes or in two hours. But for right now, it’s amazing. Can we just continue? I promise to tell you if I feel uncomfortable,” I beg, desperate to stay in my cloud of desire.
The tension in Aidan’s body seems to disappear for a moment as he gently cups my face and wipes away my tears with his thumbs. “Oh, thank God!” he breathes, “there is no better way to celebrate today than kissing you. It’s better than I imagined, and trust me, you and I have spent many hours kissing in my dreams.”
I flush at his frank disclosure and try to hide my face.
“Tara, I didn’t say that to embarrass you,” Aidan explains. “I said it to let you know that this is important to me too. I’ve been waiting a really long time for you to notice me.”
I flash him a crooked smile as I reply, “I think you can check that off of your bucket list.”
Aidan grins back and whispers, “With pleasure,” as he leans in for a leisurely, but delightfully thorough kiss.
I have heard other women talk about toe-curling kisses. I always assumed that it was just all hype. But, my toes are indeed curling and my fingers are kneading his shirt like a kitten. I suddenly have an insatiable need to touch Aidan’s bare skin.
He must have read the need in my face, because he pulls away and pulls his T-shirt over his head. I have to catch my breath. I know I saw this same view briefly at the wedding, but the context is so different now that I’m not sure what to do with myself. I stare at his chest for a minute, simply watching him breathe. For some reason, I feel a vague sense of relief when I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down a couple of times in
rapid succession.
“You still with me, Tara? I don’t suppose you’d like to take your shirt off too?” he teases.
I’m sure I look like something straight out of a Looney Tunes cartoon as my jaw drops open. “Um, I don’t think so. I’m not even wearing a bra,” I stammer, blushing hotly.
“Oh man, why can’t I ever keep my big mouth shut?” Aidan mutters as he pulls me closer and kisses my forehead.
“Wait! I wasn’t done with you,” I protest. “I was just trying to come up with a plan.”
Aidan chuckles lightly as he responds, “Gracie, I’m not sure you need to make a plan for this type of thing. I think you just pick a spit and do whatever makes you happy.”
I chew what’s left of my lip-gloss off as I look into his mirth filled eyes. Okay, I’ll admit my dilemma sounds pretty silly when you say it out loud. I reach out and run my fingertips across his chest and down his arm tracing the notes in his tattoo.
All signs of mirth are abruptly gone as his pupils dilate and his nostrils flare slightly as he takes a deep shuddering breath. His simple, uncensored response tells me more than any eloquent speech ever could. I have as much power in this situation as he does. Suddenly feeling bold again, I push him back onto the couch so that he’s reclining and I kneel between his legs. I brace my upper body against his and lightly kiss his collarbone at the very tip of his tattoo.
As my lips brush his chest, Aidan shudders and blows out his breath in a slow hiss. I instantly freeze, unsure what to do next.
His arms curl around my shoulders pulling me to his chest. “Shh, Tara. I just need a second. The impact of you is more than I expected,” he murmurs in my ear.
I completely understand. I am overwhelmed by my senses. The heat radiating off his chest is like a roaring campfire. I have been so careful to avoid men for so many years, it has completely escaped my attention that they can actually smell good. So very good. Conveniently, my nose is a couple inches below his earlobe as I inhale deeply. I saw in some late night science show once, that our nose has more receptors for pheromones for people we like. I remember thinking when I watched it that they were just making the whole thing up. Now, as I am shamelessly sniffing Aidan like a narcotics dog on a takedown, I think the theory actually might have some merit.
I kiss the side of his neck and I smile a bit when then pulse beating there surges to a staccato beat. While it’s empowering to realize my actions can inspire that kind of response, it’s also a little reassuring that he is out of his element too.
“You are a little more than I expected too,” I confess. “I never dreamed I would feel so good. It’s a total surprise.”
“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” Aidan remarks as he takes the lead. He captures my face in his hands and begins plundering my mouth with his tongue. It is very sensual and intimate. I did not expect to feel so transformed by few kisses. But, Aidan has given me the gift of remembering the joy of being a sexy woman.
As our kisses deepen, my hips undulate against his. Aidan responds by arching his hips up into mine.
I have to leap off of him and run to the bathroom where I barely make it to the toilet before violently retching. When I can do no more, I collapse into a ball in front of the toilet and start to sob. Vaguely, I register the sound of water running in the sink. But, my brain is stuck in the past. I’m reliving flashbacks from my attack like some sick movie trailer stuck on play. I start to shiver uncontrollably and my world goes black.
The next thing I’m aware of is the rough texture of a warm wash cloth on my face. Aidan is sitting on the couch with me cuddled in his lap. He’s holding me as if he’s trying to keep the world at bay and protect me from everyone on the planet. Meticulously, he wipes my tears away.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.
“Sorry for what, Tara? You haven’t done anything wrong.” Aidan insists.
I hiccup and let out a small sob as I reply, “But, I screwed everything up. This is what I was afraid of. You don’t want someone like me in your life because I’m never going to be the girl that you remember. I thought I could do it, but apparently I won’t ever be that for you.”
Instead of letting me go, Aidan just places one arm over my thighs and rubs the back of my neck with his other hand. I’m conflicted because I don’t really have the right to stay here, but I don’t want to leave either. I’m going to miss the feeling of safety in his arms.
“Tara, you don’t know that yet.” Aidan argues. “ We’ve just started. You can’t give up so soon. It’s just going to take some time. But, I’m not going anywhere. You can’t scare me off that easily.”
“Aidan, I can ask you to make that kind of sacrifice. It’s not fair to you,” I counter.
I feel Aidan’s muscles tense around me. “I don’t recall you asking,” he says emphatically. “This is something I freely volunteered because you’re worth it.”
“I wish that were true. It might even have been true before Warren Jones came into my life. But, now I’m just not worth the risk,” I insist, feeling defeated.
I change positions so that I can read Aidan’s eyes. Yet, he somehow is able to maneuver me without allowing any more distance between us.
“How about you let me decide what I think is risky?” Aidan asks. As he studies me intently from head to toe, he gingerly prompts me, “Can you tell me what I did wrong so that I can avoid hurting you in the future?”
“That’s just it, Aidan. I don’t know that you can,” I explain. “Everything was fine until you move your body in a certain way and it triggered a flashback. I never know when they’re going to hit me. It’s just like the other day with the cleaning spray. It can be entirely random.”
“Was it because I was kissing you?” Aidan asks with concern in his voice.
I sigh and wipe away more tears with the back of my hands. “No, I was really enjoying your kisses. In fact, I felt like I could have done that all night.”
“So what changed?” Aidan pushes.
“This is so embarrassing!” I mutter under my breath.
“Gracie, we have been friends forever. There aren’t any secrets between us, remember? This is really important,” Aidan cajoles.
I blush as I try to be as candid as possible, “I was doing okay until you pressed up against me and started breathing heavily in my ear. I think it was just too much like my attack. Warren tied my hands behind my back with his belt and pinned me down. The whole time he was doing this, he was spewing all sorts of vile words in my ear that at fourteen I didn’t even understand.”
“I told you what I want to do with that sorry son-of a bitch,” Aidan seethes. “Mr. Jones is lucky he is in jail because if I ran into him on the street, he would wish he was dead.”
I’m a little alarmed at the stone cold look in Aden’s face. But, I have studied enough martial arts to know that it’s not personal. Aidan is just sizing up his opponent. But, in this case, his opponent happens to be a monster. “Aidan, don’t do anything to get in trouble for me. Warren Jones has disrupted my life enough already.”
“With that guy, I make no promises,” Aidan declares. “But, now that I know more about what happened, I can be more careful not to do things which would trigger a flashback.”
“Do you realize how ridiculous that sounds?” I challenge. “It’s almost as if you’re asking to choreograph all of our interactions to keep me safe and we can’t live this way in the long run.”
“Tara, I think that all of the caution will only be necessary temporarily. Just think about how far you’ve come in the matter of a few weeks. When we first reconnected, you could barely tolerate having me in your personal space and I was definitely in your personal space tonight,” Aidan says with a tight grin.
I can’t help but smile back at his hopeless play on words. “Yes, you were definitely in my personal space, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
Aidan continues the joke as he says, “For the record, you’re invited
to invade my personal space any time you like.”
I look up at him through watery eyes, “What are we going to do, Aidan?” I ask somberly.
Aidan gives me an achingly tender kiss as he replies, “I think we live every day and try to deal with whatever issues come up. I told you the other day I’m on Team Tara and I meant it. You are not alone anymore. Get used to it.”
A part of me wants to believe Aidan will stick around. But, right now the scared little girl in me is winning out as I question him again, “Are you sure? It’s going to be hard.”
“Tara, I’m not afraid of hard work. That’s what it takes to make any relationship successful. We’re just going to have to work a little harder. Haven’t you ever heard the saying ‘work hard and dream big’? As far as I’m concerned, we’re just paying in our dues and anything we get out of it will be part of the big dream.”
Finally, Aidan reaches me through my layers of panic and I hear the sincerity in his voice. I nod against his chest and say, “I’m ready to take back my life from the monster. Are you ready too?”
Aidan flashes me a regretful grin as he replies. “I’m going to need to take a rain check. Tonight, I need to go to bed; I’ve got a big show tomorrow. I’ve got a few monsters of my own to take down. Care to join me?” he offers cheekily.
I smirk at his casual suggestion. “No, I think I’ll take the hide-a-bed. I have a feeling that us in the same bed would not result in a good nights sleep,” I quip.
Strumming my guitar while sitting on the balcony, I struggle to focus my thoughts. I’ve been up since 5:30 this morning. Today could be the big break I’ve always wanted, or it could be a colossal mistake. The problem is that I don’t know which outcome is more likely. Tara brought up some valid concerns about the contract and the nature of the contest. I know I should probably go with her instincts on this, because she can be more objective about it. On the other hand, I can’t discount the very real risk this might be one of my last chances to make a name for myself. Lord knows I’ve been trying for almost the last decade. There’s only so much publicity I can draw as a wedding singer.
So the Heart Can Dance (A Hidden Beauty Novel Book 2) Page 19
