by Jean Ure
Ho ho! That is a really stupid one.
I’m not very good with jokes as I can never remember the end of them. Well, hardly ever. I only remembered this one because it’s so stupid. Zoë used to tell me lots, only hers were really funny.
I wish she was here now and then I could ask her to tell them to me again. This time I might be able to remember the endings and then I could tell them to someone else.
There is a girl in the bed opposite who would probably like to hear some jokes. This is the first time she has been in hospital and she keeps crying for her mum. Her auntie is with her but her mum is in hospital as well. I think that is so sad. I would like to be able to cheer her up.
Maybe when Uncle Eddy comes I will ask him to go over and tell her some jokes. He is good at making people laugh. But I don’t know when he is going to be able to come. He is in Africa.
He sent me a card with lions on it.
On the back he wrote, “Here’s looking at you, kid!” He is always saying that, I don’t know why. But I like it when he says it.
I hope he comes back soon! I want him to be here! I only feel safe when Uncle Eddy is here.
He’s going to be in Africa for another whole fortnight. But I know that he is thinking of me. He told me before he went. He said, “Sweetheart, when I’m away from you never a day goes by but you’re in my thoughts.”
I am going to concentrate on being in Uncle Eddy’s thoughts. That way it will keep me safe.
Here is another joke I have thought of.
What did the dentist say in court?
I swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
I suppose that is quite funny.
Sort of.
I can’t think of any more.
It is no use asking Mum. She is like me, she can never remember the ending.
The ending of a joke is called “the punch line”. It is a catastrophe if you cannot remember your punch line.
You would think that Mum would be able to, being an actress. But she has always had trouble with her lines. I have always had to help her.
I don’t know who would help her if I was not here. She would have to manage on her own.
Danny is too young. He wouldn’t be any good.
So nothing must happen to me or Mum won’t ever be able to learn her lines!
Sarah told me a joke once. Something about seaweed.
Why is the sea wet? – Because the seaweed.
I think that was how it went. I can’t really remember.
It was something like that.
Perhaps I am not a very jokey kind of person. Just a weedy wimpy sort of person who isn’t very brave.
15. Wonderland
You'd only been out of hospital for a few months
when you were told that you had to go back
in again.
Mum cried when Dr Stanhope said I had come out of remission. She tried not to show it, but I knew she’d been crying because her eyes were all red and swimmy. So I knew that he had told her something bad.
Mum said that I was a little bit anaemic, “Just a little bit”, and that Dr Stanhope wanted me to go back into hospital for some more treatment. I said, “Why do I have to go back into hospital for it?” Mum said, “Well, it’s easier for them to keep an eye on you if you are in hospital. But I’m sure it won’t be for very long.”
I knew she wasn’t telling me the truth. I knew that I had stopped being in remission. I do think it would be better if they didn’t try to protect you. We can always tell.
When Dr Stanhope came to see me, I said, “Will you have to give me more chemo?” and he said, “I’m sorry, Becky, but I’m afraid we will.” I said, “Is that because I’m not in remission any more?” and he said, “Yes, but let’s hope it’s just a hiccup.”
When he said that I hiccuped, because that is the sort of thing they like you to do. They like you to be bright and sparky and have a sense of humour.
Dr Stanhope was pleased when I hiccuped. He laughed and said, “That’s the spirit!”
Another time I said to him that someone had told me if you came out of remission before five years, it meant you probably wouldn’t ever be cured. I didn’t say it meant you would probably die, because I am not brave enough.
Dr Stanhope said, “It doesn’t necessarily mean that at all. But it does mean it’s more difficult. It does mean that you have to be extra specially brave and put up with another lot of treatment.”
Zoë had to put up with another lot of treatment. So did Bryony, in my story that I wrote. And she grew up and danced in Swan Lake!
I know that Mum doesn’t expect me to grow up. Nobody expects me to. Not even Dr Stanhope.
I suppose I don’t, really. Deep inside myself. I know that what Zoë told me is true because Zoë is the one person who always tells the truth.
If Zoë were here I could talk about it with her. I can’t talk about it with Mum, it upsets her too much. She tells me not to be morbid. She says, “Oh, Becky, darling! Don’t be so morbid!”
I don’t think it’s being morbid. And I don’t think it’s being negative, either, which is another thing Mum accuses me of. She says, “You must think positively, sweetheart! Otherwise you’re not giving yourself a chance.”
I don’t see that it’s being negative to wonder what is in store for you. I think it is simply facing up to things.
I’ve been thinking just lately about what Gran said. Gran said that when you die you meet all the people that have gone before. But wouldn’t this make it terribly crowded? In heaven, or wherever it is that you go?
I tried asking Uncle Eddy about it. He is the only person I can really talk to, now that Zoë is not here. I said, “If everyone that’s died is going to be up there, won’t it be a bit like Oxford Street at Christmastime?”
I went to Oxford Street last Christmas with Ana-Maria to see the lights.
There were so many people you could hardly move.
Uncle Eddy said, “It will only be like Oxford Street if that is how you would like it to be. Is that how you would like it to be?” I said, “No, it isn’t! I’d hate it! Everyone pushing and shoving.”
So then Uncle Eddy said, “In that case, think how you would like it to be, and that is how it will be.”
I have been thinking and thinking. All I can think of is that I want Gran and Kitty to be there.
And maybe some of the really great dancers that I have seen pictures of. Margot Fonteyn and Rudolf Nureyev and Anna Pavlova.
It would be brilliant if I could get to meet them! But mostly I just want Gran and Kitty.
I knew when Uncle Eddy came back from Africa specially to be with me that I was more ill than Mum let on. Poor Mum! She can’t face up to it.
I can! I think.
Sometimes I can. Other times it just doesn’t seem real, the thought of life going on without me.
Well, but it is not going to! Not yet. I am not ready to leave yet. I am going to go on fighting.
I was ever so pleased when Uncle Eddy came back. It was a truly golden moment when I saw him walking into the ward. I love him so much! And we have been able to have long, long talks like I can’t do with Mum.
We chat for ages together! About all sorts of things. There’s nothing I can’t talk to Uncle Eddy about. Like for instance one time I asked him whether he really thinks there are lots and lots of people waiting for us when we die. If I’d tried asking Mum she’d have said, “Oh, darling! Don’t be morbid. What’s all this talk of dying?”
Uncle Eddy never tells me that I’m morbid. He understands that there are things I need to know. He said, “For sure! Lots and lots. No one will ever have to be lonely.”
I said, “But do people wait? Do they wait for people?”
Like Granddad, for example. Granddad has been dead for a really long time. Longer than I have been alive. Suppose he got tired of waiting for Gran and found someone else?
Uncle Eddy said that he wouldn’t have got tired. He
said, “Time is different there. There is no time. Time stands still … for ever and ever. To Granddad it will have seemed like no more than a few seconds have passed.”
So then I asked him something else that had been bothering me. Granddad was only fifty when he died, but Gran was quite old. How would Granddad have felt about his wife being an old person? How would Gran have felt about it? Would she mind him seeing her with grey hair and wrinkles while he was still young? Wouldn’t it have upset them both?
Uncle Eddy said, “No way!” He said that things like age simply wouldn’t matter any more. He said, “If it was Gran’s dream to be young again, and to meet Granddad when he was young, then that is what she will have done.”
He said, “We will all find whatever we want to find, and be just as we want to be. I promise you.”
I said, “Are you absolutely sure?” Uncle Eddy said, “I’m absolutely positive.”
So then I said, “But how can you know? How can anybody know?” and he said, “Trust me! I know.”
I do trust Uncle Eddy. But I still can’t help being anxious. I don’t want to go there if I can’t be with Gran and Kitty!
Another thing Gran said was that dying was worse for the people that are left behind than for the people it happens to. I suppose this is because of time in heaven standing still while time on earth just creeps. Like for Granddad it would only have seemed a few seconds while for Gran it was years and years.
Perhaps it is a sort of comfort to think that people who have died are not being lonely and missing you. If I die it will only be seconds before I see Mum and Danny and Uncle Eddy again.
But I am not going to die! I don’t want to! I want to dance Odette and go to Wonderland!
It’s Danny I feel sorriest for. He is the one I worry about. I know that Mum will be sad and cry but she is always so busy with her television work and Uncle Eddy has his filming but Danny is only just a little boy. He won’t understand! He won’t know about time seeming like seconds. He won’t know that there are people up there waiting for you.
Danny is going to miss me more than anyone. He’ll be all on his own with Ana-Maria. And if she goes back to Spain he will have to get used to someone else and he is so shy, he hates having to meet new people.
I think Mum ought to have another baby to keep him company. I wouldn’t mind her having another one. But first she will have to get married again and I don’t know who she could marry. She hasn’t even got a man friend at the moment. But it isn’t fair to leave Danny on his own! He needs someone to look after him.
I wish I’d been nicer to him when he was a tiny baby. I wish I hadn’t been jealous, because of him having a dad and me not. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t ask to be born. Nobody asks to be born. I wish I’d cuddled and kissed him more. I love him ever so much!
When we go to Wonderland, Danny is going to come with us. I’m not going to go if Danny can’t come! We oughtn’t to have left him behind that night when we went to celebrate. The night Mum bought champagne. He can’t help it if he’s a silly babyish nuisance and bangs on the table and tips his chair back and does all those things that make Mum mad.
“He’d only ruin it for you.” That’s what Mum said. But I wouldn’t have minded!
When we go to Wonderland, we will go on Concorde.
Mum has said that we can! She says it will be a special treat, for being twelve.
I shall be twelve in … a few months.
Three months!
Less than three months.
Soon.
Then we’ll pack up our cases and Mum will say, “Have you put your toothbrush in?” And Danny will want to take his teddy bear and Mum will groan and say, “Can’t we go anywhere without that wretched bear?” But it’s the only way that Danny will sleep.
He has nightmares if he’s parted from Teddy.
Danny will take Teddy and I will take my signed photograph of Darcey. I don’t go anywhere without my signed photograph. I’ve had it on my locker all the time I’ve been in hospital. The nurses call me their little dancer. They all know I’m going to dance in Swan Lake. Once when it was Carol’s birthday they had a party for her on the ward and I did a snowflake dance that I made up myself, specially for her.
I danced it in my nightie! It was the nearest I could get to a proper ballet dress.
I made it about snowflakes because outside it was cold and snowy and people’s mums and dads kept saying things like, “My goodness, you’re in the best place in here!” It made Zoë ever so mad. She said, “How would they like it if they had to be in here?”
Zoë’s at home now. She’s doing really well. She sent me a card the other day.
I have good feelings about Zoë: she is going to be all right.
I still wish she could come to Wonderland with us! It is going to be the very best birthday present I have ever had. Uncle Eddy will come and pick us up in his car
and we will all drive to the airport together.
Then we will get on the plane
and do up our seat belts
and fly high up into the air
all across the seas and the oceans and the mountains
high amongst the clouds
and all through the stars
until we come to Wonderland!
All our favourite characters will be there.
There will be Jo, and Alice, and Peter Pan, and Lassie, and the Little Princess, and Dorothy – and Toto!
And my gran! My gran will be there! She’ll be there, waiting for me!
I can’t wait to be twelve and go to Wonderland!
That is the end of Becky’s story.
She would have been so proud if she could see her name in print!
Who knows? Maybe she can …
Also by Jean Ure
Lemonade Sky
Love and Kisses
Fortune Cookie
Star Crazy Me!
Over the Moon
Boys Beware
Sugar and Spice
Is Anybody There?
Secret Meeting
Passion Flower
Shrinking Violet
Boys on the Brain
Skinny Melon and Me
Becky Bananas, This is Your Life!
Fruit and Nutcase
The Secret Life of Sally Tomato
Family Fan Club
Ice Lolly
Special three-in-one editions
The Tutti-Frutti Collection
The Flower Power Collection
The Friends Forever Collection
And for younger readers
Dazzling Danny
Daisy May
Monster in the Mirror
Copyright
HarperCollins Children’s Books
An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
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Hammersmith
London, W6 8JB
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by Collins 1997
Text copyright © Jean Ure 1997
Cover illustrations by Nicola Slater
The author and illustrators assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrators of the work.
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Source ISBN: 9780007121519
EBook Edition © JUNE 2013 ISBN: 9780007385706
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