by Bry Ann
“Alex. Alex. We are here.”
I shake my head and force my legs to stop moving. I get swallowed by blackness when I look down at the grass below me.
Mia Carter
Beloved sister, daughter and fiance
1986-2015
“Her life is a beautiful memory.
Her death a silent grief.”
I feel different reading her gravestone. I feel gentle. Hurt. So grateful to this woman who loved so freely. I lean down and run my fingers over her name. Tears flow freely down my face. I don’t even bother to stop them. For some reason that feels like it would be an insult to her memory. What did she have to endure because of me? My heart is literally on fire. Burning. I fall back and sit over her grave. I totally forget about Rex, and for once I just let myself talk. Cry. Feel for somebody other than myself.
“Thank you for loving me Mia.”
My voice is cracked and broken. I feel so horrible.
“I’m sorry I never showed you I loved you too. I’m sorry I left you at the mall that day. I’m sorry I went back on my promise. Thank you for taking me to the hospital when I had that really bad burn. It hurt more than I let on, you know? Thank you for seeing that, and keeping my secret.”
I let out a bitter laugh and wipe the snot from my face.
“I miss you so much. It’s unfair. I’m sorry you had to die for me.”
A choked sob escapes, and I curl myself up and cry. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts! Help. I feel a hand on my shoulder. Rex crouches down next to me. He pulls me into his side and I put my head on his shoulder and dig my fingers into his waist like he can save me from drowning in this.
“It’s okay to cry Alex. It’s okay sweetie. She’d be so happy you were here.”
I don’t let up. I just cry and cry until my throat burns and my body tries to lull itself to sleep.
. “It’s not fair Rex. I didn’t want this to happen I swear. I swear. If I would have known… ”
“It’s not your fault sweetie.”
“I would have died for her!”
“I know that Alex.”
“Blaze doesn’t. He doesn’t know. I didn’t want him to lose her.”
I hiccup instead of crying this time.
“You can’t go by what Blaze thinks. He’s angry and hurting. You’ve been there too, remember?”
“I know. I just... Rex, how am I ever going to be okay? That’s so selfish, but how can I be okay when so many others aren’t because of me? There’s no getting over all this. Even if by some miracle we stop Pytor I’ll never be okay. I was okay living a lie, but I can’t go back to that now that everyone knows the truth. I can never have a good future Rex.”
“Look at me right now Alex. I don’t ever want to hear you say that. You hear me? You don’t know what the future holds. People are fighting for you. People care. You need to fight too.”
I look over at Mia’s grave. “Rex, I’m tired of fighting. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel. I fight and fight and I always end up in the same place.”
“I know, but someday you’ll break the cycle and all this fight will be worth it.”
I don’t answer him. I know I won’t be okay, but it's not fair to tell him that so I just don’t say anything.
Once we are back in the car I choose a different tactic. I try and talk Rex’s fucking ear off. I don’t want to let on how much I am hurting, although I am sure he knows. He knows my defense mechanisms by now.
“So the next thing we are gonna do,” he says, cutting off my non stop rambling. “You won’t like at first, but I have a feeling this is going to be a great thing for you.”
“What now Rex?” I groan. “My emotional bank is shot.”
His lips curl up in amusement, but the pain is still there, right on the surface.
“Just trust me for once. Please.”
“I do trust you.”
Rex grabs my hands and squeezes it. We drive down the road to a suburban neighborhood.
“Really, where are we?”
Rex just smiles to himself and pulls into a driveway. The house is white with red trimming, and tulips in the perfectly manicured front yard. I open the door and get out of the car. I am super confused as to where we are. Slightly nervous, but more confused than anything else. All I know is Rex looks happy, and pretty excited so that makes me happy. I follow him to the door, and he rings the doorbell. I can see him grinning from ear to ear.
“She doesn’t know I’m coming,” he whispers.
“Wh…” The question is answered when the door swings open. Instantly I am paralyzed. In front of me is an older woman with shaggy black hair, warm eyes and a short build. Rex practically jumps on her.
“Mom.”
He wraps her in a hug. I wrap my arms around my waist and take several steps back. I killed this woman’s child. I’ve never debated running away so heavily. Honestly I would if my legs weren’t shaking so bad.
“I missed you honey.”
“Missed you too mom. Sorry it's been a while. Things have been crazy to say the least.”
Rex’s mom lets go of Rex and turns to face me. I swallow. I feel like I am going to vomit. I could kill Rex for springing this on me. They are looking at me; Rex and his mom, and I can’t move or talk. It’s too much. Too much, too fast and the guilt. I feel like my legs are going to give out.
“Hello Alex sweetie,” Rex’s mom says warmly.
I can hear she’s nervous too. Rex walks over and puts his hand under my arm to steady me. I think he can tell I am about to faint. Rex’s mom watches the both of us and waits for my response. When she realizes I am not going to say anything, or can’t say anything, she doesn’t let it deter her.
“Let’s all head inside. It will be way more comfortable there than my porch.”
She steps back and holds the door open wide for us. Rex helps me inside, because I am still apparently incapable of moving. He sets me on the couch too for good measure since I'm clearly incapable of functioning on my own right now. Ms. Carter sits across from Rex and I. There is some small talk between Rex and his mom, how much they've missed each other and all that. He tells her we visited Mia, to which she just nods solemnly. The pain is clearly still right on the surface her. I mean she watched her own daughter get tortured and the murdered. How do you heal from that? How is she still so loving to Rex? This is my breaking point. I feel the emotions build inside me like a volcano. They are in mid conversation when I start blurting things out. I totally cut Rex off too, by accident.
“Ms. Carter I’m so sorry. I shouldn't be here. It’s my fault. I’m so sorry.”
I’m crying and nauseous. I’m so disgusted with myself I can barely take it. My head is between my knees and my legs are bouncing a mile a minute.
“Rex, hun, can Alex and I have a minute?”
“Yes ma’am.”
Rex squeezes my shoulder before walking out of the room. I hear Ms. Carter get up, but I am too busy trying to hide from her to see where exactly she is going. A minute later I feel two soft hands on my knees.
“Alex sweetie. Please look at me.”
I feel like a five year old. I shake my head and keep my face safe in my lap.
“Please sweetie. I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you for anything. Please let me see those eyes of yours. Come on baby.”
I don’t know what it is. Something about her kindness, her motherly tone gives me bravery. I never really had a mom so I respond instantly. I slowly peel my face off my knees. I know there is snot all over my face, my eyes are red and tear stained, but I know she won’t care. Ms. Carter grabs my chin and looks at me lovingly.
“There they are.”
I sniffle. I honestly feel like such a child in this moment.
“I’m sorry Ms. Carter,” I mumble. “I’m really, really sorry. I honestly didn’t know. I swear.”
“Listen to me. First, I/m gonna get off this floor because I’m old and my knees hurt. Second, we are gonna talk woman to woman. I know eve
rything Alex, and I do mean everything. Rex told me.”
My eyes go wide. She knows everything? I’m gonna kill Rex! As Ms. Carter uses my knees to push herself up she shakes her head.
“I can almost hear your thoughts Alex. Don’t be mad at Rex. He did the right thing telling me the truth after all these years. I only wish I’d known sooner.”
With a huff Ms. Carter takes a seat next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more intimidated than I do in this moment. I know first hand how deep a mother's love can run. I didn’t even get to meet my child, and I would have jumped in front of a moving train to save her. I can’t even imagine how Ms. Carter feels.
“The first thing you should know Alex is Mia never blamed you. Not once. In fact, quite the contrary. She felt so sorry for you. She knew this what was happening to us would destroy you, and she made me promise if I got out of there and she didn’t I’d be sure you were okay. That I would treat you like you were my own daughter. She told me quite a bit about your life and what you’ve been through. It wasn’t until Rex called me that I understood everything. Alex, hun, I am so sorry I didn’t reach out to you like I should have. I should have never let you shoulder everything alone. Not after what Mia told me. I was struggling with the loss of my daughter, and then to deal with the anger in my son. I didn’t know where you were, and to be frank, I was overwhelmed. Rex was so angry at you. I knew what he was saying wasn’t true, but I was so devastated I couldn’t help but absorb some of what he was saying. What those monsters did to you was cruel. You didn’t ask for this to happen. I really need you to hear me on this.”
“Ms. Carter they warned me. They told me they would do something to Rex and his family if I didn’t obey. I tried. I really tried. I don’t know what happened in the end. I just forgot. I broke. I’m so sorry. If I had stayed strong…”
Ms. Carters grabs my hands before I can finish.
“Alex, you aren’t alone in things you have been through. I’ve been raped sweetie, and there’s nothing that breaks a woman, nothing that fucks with her mind more than being violated. And that is just a small tiny piece of the hell you have endured. Your brain snapped. Everyone has a breaking point. Besides, men taking advantage of your fragility and youth and blackmailing you into doing the horrible things, do not qualify what happened as your fault. You are the victim, like Mia, like me, like everyone who has been hurt by these men. And sweetie,” her eyes tear up, “I’m sorry about your daughter.”
My lower lip quivers and we both just stare at each other, understanding the depths of each other’s pain and loss. Ms. Carter pulls me into her arms like I am her own child and I cry. She cries too. We hold onto each other. I hold onto the softness that is a mother’s unconditional understanding. I wish I had opened up more when I was a kid. Maybe someone like Ms. Carter could have done something. Maybe someone could the trail of pain and loss that have followed me all these years, but I didn’t. My heart breaks for that little girl inside of me. The inner child I never got to meet. Ms. Carter cries for her losses, her pain. Finally, we both pull away with red, puffy eyes. She gives me a soft smile.
“So you and Rex, huh?”
I duck my head and try to hide how red my cheeks just turned. “Uh…”
Ms. Carter laughs. “Mia would be so happy. She wanted you guys to stay together so bad. I’m not kidding she talked about it all the time.”
“She did?”
Her mom laughs. “Oh yeah. She, what’s the word, “shipped” you guys. She always told me you guys didn’t even need a ship name because your names were so close already.”
“Oh my gosh,” I laugh and cover my face. “She would say that!”
We both laugh. It feels so good to talk about the good times with Mia verses mourning her loss. I know Mia would like that too. Ms. Carter smiles at me and grabs my hand.
“Let go of your guilt. None of this is your fault. Someone should have protected you too.”
“Thank you for not hating me. I don’t want to lose Rex and you mean the world to him.”
“I’m glad you and Rex have each other. I still remember you two as kids. He talked about you all the time. He thought you were so cool.”
She laughs. I laugh too. That’s so funny to think about now. Mid laugh I feel Rex in the room. Sure enough he is standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“There’s a lot of laughing in here for two women having a heart to heart.”
I giggle. No clue why. I'm just happy. Ms. Carter squeezes my hand one last time before letting go. Rex comes to sit across from us. He looks over at me.
“You good sweetie?”
I totally freaking blush that he just called me sweetie in front of his mom!
“Uh-huh. Thank you,” I mumble. He laughs and looks over at his mom with so much admiration it takes me breath away. His eyes are bright. He looks so happy in this moment, seeing the two of us getting along. I don’t want this to end. I love this false reality. The one where I have a family, love, people who actually give a damn.
But the truth is that tomorrow I will meet with two assassins to discuss how and when I am going to get taken by the man who destroyed my life.
That is my real life. It always has been. Everything else is just a blurb, a push to keep going, to keep fighting for God knows what reason.
My happiness is fleeting. I am forever grateful for Ms. Carter’s undeserved forgiveness, but my hell isn’t over. It will never be over. I eat with them. I laugh with them, but on the inside I’m screaming.
I’m not ready to face tomorrow.
I’m not ready to open that chapter of my life again.
Chapter 10 (Dana):
I hear those kind of stories in the news all the time and cringe. You know the ones. The ones that make you take pause. That make you want to change the world, but you are forced to do nothing but sit on the couch and watch. I hear them all the time, but for it to happen to someone I know? Someone I care about. It’s doesn’t seem real. Alex’s story was horrific. I’ve spent most of my life in some form of treatment center, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story that tragic. I honestly don’t know how she has stayed so strong. I can’t believe all this time I’ve confided in Alex about my pathetic life when she was living a literal hell inside of her. I feel like the worst friend in the world. I know Sam feels the same way. Her, Logan and I have talked about it. Logan was surprised too. He’s never been a huge fan of Alex, but after hearing her story he developed profound respect for her. He was pissed as hell that no one did more to help her. Although I am sure any decent human being would be pissed off after hearing her story.
I saw the look in Gunner’s eyes as she told her story. I know him too well. I knew there was nothing that was going to stop him from going after this guy. I didn’t have a right to stop him either. Alex deserves her happy ending. She deserves to feel safe. I just, I trust Gunner, but this guy sounds like a real monster. He sounds connected. How in the world is Gunner supposed to end this guy without getting killed? I can’t lose him, and I’m terrified I will. Not to mention I have to be careful when and where I express my fears because Alex can’t hear that I’m afraid. I have to pretend I am totally fine with it. I know she already feels guilty. I don’t want to make that worse for her. If she finds out I’m struggling she will make it her personal mission to stop him and bring him back to me. Not that anyone could deter Gunner once he’s set his mind to something, but it would only make things more complicated and potentially put Alex in harm's way. That’s the last thing any of us need, especially Rex.
Right now I’m literally hauled up in my Nashville apartment wearing oversized sweatpants, watching rom-coms and drinking hot chocolate. I can’t get my butt to move, because then worry sets in. I’m pretty sure I haven’t consumed anything other than the aforementioned hot cocoa. Sam’s checked on me a bunch of times, but she is busy and overwhelmed like the rest of us. Apparently Alex left town yesterday to go back to Missouri with Rex. I don’t know
what’s going on but Sam was pretty tight lipped about why she left so abruptly. She’s definitely keeping something from me. I know when Sam’s lying to me. She’s very matter of face and professional, and that is so not like her. Not to mention the fact that Alex didn’t say goodbye to me. I’d be hurt if I wasn’t so sure there was something else going on. They all think I’m weak That’s why I need Gunner back. He sees me as strong. He challenges me. Everyone else treats me with kid gloves, and I hate it. It’s insulating, but I try and remind myself they do it because they love me.
I pull the blanket up higher. I think the movie I’m watching right now is called Love Actually. I don’t really know. I have YouTube hooked up my TV so movies have just been playing one after another for hours. I’ve lost track. I’m actually relieved when my phone rings. I feel like such trash right now. I hate that I am this worried about a guy, but this guy is my best friend and last time he went out half cocked and pissed I found him tied to a chair and beaten so….
“Hello, it’s Dana.”
“Hey Dana. It’s Logan. How are you?”
I jump off the couch.
“I’m good. How are you? It’s so good to hear from you Logan.”
I start to pace the living room, and my arms shake with excitement. I need my brother. It really is so good to hear from him. I never get calls from him anymore. Not calls specifically meant for me.
“I’m good. I’m good. Busy, you know how it is. Hey, Sam called me and told me I should maybe check in with you. What’s going on?”
“Nothing’s going on with me! I’m allowed to chill and watch rom-coms and drink hot chocolate for a bit. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong. It means I'm relaxing.”
“It’s also called isolating. Worried about your guy?”
“He can take care of himself.”
I can hear Logan taking a deep breath. I know I’m being stubborn and rude, but for some reason that is my M.O. with him. It must be a brother/sister thing.
