I struggle to get my mouth to work, still dry and my mind half in the dream. “What are you doing here this early?” I whisper.
“You want me to leave?”
“No, I’m just . . . I’m not very awake yet, sorry.”
She glances over at Doobie, sleeping peacefully in his hammock. “He sleeps like a rock, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah. He really does.”
Harmony sits on the edge of my mattress. “I was hoping we could get an early start on our hike.”
I stretch my arms over my head and yawn, then quickly close my mouth. My breath is probably terrible. “Okay, sure. When do you want to go?”
“Right after breakfast.” She winks. “I have a little surprise for you. For us.”
“A surprise? What kind of surprise?”
Harmony grins. “Your belated birthday present.”
Doobie makes smacking noises with his mouth. Harmony jumps off my bed and stands in the doorway. “See you at sun salutation.” She darts down the short hall before I hear her boots clunking down the steps of the tree house.
* * *
I expected resistance but it doesn’t take much convincing to get permission from the Olders for Harmony and me to go on a picnic together. Willow even packed us a lunch. They probably figure neither of us is apt to run off knowing Rain is less than a month away from having her baby.
Harmony finds a dress in the clothing box and slips it over her head. I remember the first time I saw Rain in that dress, how I thought she looked like an angel floating around the compound in her bare feet and near-white hair. I half expected to see wings sprouting from her back, she was that beautiful. On Harmony the dress looks more like a nightgown the way it clings to her new curves. She resembles Gaia more and more every day. She’d clobber me if I ever told her that.
We climb over the hill and set off down the well-traveled path toward our favorite grove of redwoods, about a mile from SFC. Today is one of those summer-in-November kind of days. Our weather can suddenly go from cold and rainy to hot for no reason. One day you’re wearing a winter coat and the next you’re running around shirtless and barefoot.
As soon as we’re out of earshot Harmony stops and fishes a small baggie out of her dress pocket. “Open your hand.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t ruin the surprise. Just open your hand.”
I offer my palm and she shakes a bunch of small brownish chunks into it. She sees my blank stare and grins. “They’re magic mushrooms. Psilocybin.”
I take a sniff. They smell like moldy bark. “Where’d you get these?”
“From that guy at the Rainbow Gathering I wrote you about. I saved some for us.”
“I don’t know, Harmony. . . .”
She pinches half of the crumbs between two fingers and drops them in her palm. “It’ll be amazing, I promise.”
“Is it scary?”
“No, it’s really cool. You’ll see.” She pops her portion into her mouth and starts chewing. Her face scrunches up. “They taste terrible but it’s worth it. Go ahead.”
I look at her, then down at the mushroom bits.
She holds out her hand. “If you don’t eat them I will!”
I don’t want to look like a chicken and I don’t want her to OD just to prove a point. I dump them in my mouth and start chewing. “Ugh! Can’t we just swallow them?”
“I know they’re gross, but it’s supposed to be better if you chew them first.”
I wait for her to swallow before doing the same. When I start guzzling water from my canteen, she snatches it out of my hand. “Don’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re probably going to barf. Most people do. It’s better to have less in your stomach.”
“Is that why you hardly touched your breakfast?”
She grins.
“Now you tell me.”
“Sorry. If I’d told you, you’d have gotten suspicious.”
“So how long before it kicks in?”
“Not long.” She takes my hand and pulls me along. “Let’s keep walking so we can get to our spot before we come up.”
“Come up?”
“Before we start tripping.”
As we walk our hands start getting sweaty but I don’t want to let go because she might think I don’t want to hold her hand. As if she can read my thoughts she drops my hand and wipes hers on her dress.
By the time we reach the redwood grove I’m feeling nauseous. No sooner do we spread out a sheet than I have to run behind the tree and throw up. When I return she hands me the water.
“Just rinse, don’t swallow. You feel anything yet?”
I swish the water around in my mouth and spit. “Yeah. I feel a little tingly.”
She giggles. “Me too. Feels good, huh?”
“Yeah. Just now when the water was in my mouth it felt weird, like it was alive, swooshing around my tongue and my cheeks.”
“Cool.” She pats the sheet next to her. “Take a load off.”
We stretch out with our arms behind our heads. Yesterday’s clouds have broken into small puffs of white against a sky the color of Stardust’s sapphire gemstones.
“I’m so happy.” I hear my voice in my ears but I’m not sure I said the words aloud. Did I just think it? “I’m so happy.”
“You’re two happy. Like t-w-o, not t-o-o.” Harmony giggles at her own joke. She jumps up and starts twirling around, holding her dress like a ballerina. Her movements create a smear of color in the same shade of yellow as her skirt, her hair floating around her head like a lion’s mane. “Look, Blue! I’m tu-tu happy.” This cracks her up and she falls back on the sheet in hysterics.
Her laughter sounds like Aura’s when she was a baby, sweet and gurgly. This makes me laugh, and the more I laugh the more she laughs until she grabs at her sides. “Stop, stop! I have to pee.”
Several Harmonys follow close behind her like pages of a fanning book until she disappears behind some bushes. I go back to watching the sky, where tiny crystals shift in unison as if the whole of it is breathing above us. The clouds form and reform to create different shapes. Everything is in a warped speed, as if time has slowed while turning up magnification of each particle. The beauty is stunning.
Harmony stands near my feet, smiling. “What are you looking at?”
“Everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yeah. It feels like I’ve been seeing the world through a smudged window and now the glass is clear.” I turn my head and suddenly every single needle in the redwood tree comes into sharp focus. “This must be how Moon felt when he tried on the right glasses that first time.”
She kneels beside me and starts combing her fingers through my hair. “I love your hair. Can I braid it?”
I roll onto my stomach and prop my chin in my hands. When she tugs at the separated strands I close my eyes and follow the prickling sensation down the follicle, into my brain, and out my fingers and toes. The earlier tingles have intensified and become contagious, spreading through my body until goose bumps break out on my arms and legs. I open my eyes and study the patch of grass along the edge of the sheet. Each stalk is like a tiny tree, each grain of dirt separate from the one next to it.
Harmony flops the braid over my shoulder. “Let’s walk down to the creek.”
I follow her to where the water roars past after last night’s rain. We sit on the bank and watch for what seems like an hour or a minute, I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m mesmerized by the sound of it rushing against the rocks, the way the sunlight sparkles off the surface. Even the smell of it. Everything stretches toward me, encapsulates me.
“Harmony?”
“Yeah?”
“My butt feels like it’s part of the earth beneath it, like I’m growing out of the dirt.”
Harmony unfolds her fingers, her hands hovering just above the surface of the ground next to her legs. “I know what you mean. I feel it, too. Like I’m part of everyth
ing.” She stands and twirls, then starts skipping back toward our tree. I run behind her, stopping to jump because I feel as if I could leap high into the air, higher than the trees, maybe as high as the birds. I’ve never felt so free and happy in my life.
When I reach our spot she’s naked, stretched out on her belly with her feet in the air. I step out of my jeans and lie beside her. She turns and rests her head on my chest. “You know how people talk about being sun-kissed? I feel the sun kissing me for real. Teeny tiny kisses on every inch of my skin. It feels amazing.”
I run my hand gently over her shoulder, her waist, the curve of her hip. I feel her shiver beneath my touch.
“Are you cold?”
“No.”
“God, Harmony, you’re so beautiful.”
I feel her cheeks move into a smile on my skin. I roll her onto her back and kiss her. Our mouths feel like one mouth sharing a single tongue as we move between gentle and hungry kisses. She lets me touch and touch and touch. She touches me back, then stops.
“I don’t want to—”
“I know,” I whisper. “Me neither. This is enough. More than enough.”
Our breaths match the wind ruffling the grass around us. The love I feel for Harmony moves through me like a ghost. We hang out in our little paradise for hours; listening, breathing, playing, feeling until the tingling sensation gradually wanes, but the glow remains, an aching sort of tenderness. I don’t remember getting dressed or even deciding to. The sun is setting as we float back down the path toward SFC, exhausted but happy.
* * *
Neither of us is hungry despite our untouched picnic lunch that we left for the birds and other critters. Harmony and I steal glances across the dinner table as we push bits of food around our plates. I hear the others talking, but the words bounce off my ears like bits of foam. When evening meditation comes I sink deep inside myself and find that place under the redwoods, the closest I’ve ever felt to home.
39
December, 1978
Rain and I hunch together over mugs of steaming cocoa under the dining canopy. The weather has turned cool again, almost overnight. Jade and Coyote left with Aura early this morning to visit her family in the Bay area. The compound is eerily quiet, but in a good way. I’ve missed my time with Rain almost as much as my time with Harmony.
“This is the best hot cocoa I’ve ever tasted.”
She puts a finger to her lips and whispers mischievously. “That’s because it’s real chocolate, not carob. I bought some cocoa powder at the county store.”
“Goji let you buy commercial chocolate?”
Rain grins triumphantly.
“He’d fly you to the moon if you asked. He’s head over heels for you.”
She dips her head and blushes.
“I didn’t mean it was a bad thing, Rain. I know you love him.”
She raises the mug to her mouth and sips. A soft moan escapes from her mouth.
I nudge her. “Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s so good.”
Her hand freezes, holding the mug, halfway back to the table. She’s so still she looks like one of those beautiful mannequins in the department store windows in Santa Rosa.
“You okay, Rain?”
She takes a deep breath and sighs it out, setting her cup back on the table. “I’m fine. They’re just fake contractions.”
“Fake contractions?”
“Sirona calls them Braxton Hicks. False labor that prepares you for the real thing.”
“Do they hurt?”
“Not really. It’s more like a tightening. Uncomfortable but not painful.”
We go back to sipping. She catches me staring toward the path leading to the meadow where Harmony and I spent that day tripping on mushrooms.
“What . . . or should I say who . . . are you thinking about, young man?”
Rain is the one person I trust not to make a big deal or tease me, but I’m suddenly feeling very self-conscious. I’m pretty sure Rain knows that I had a crush on her and that I was jealous of Goji. I trust her, but I’m not ready to talk about Harmony and me. I glance down at her swollen belly, pushing the limits of the buttons on her wool coat. I think everyone is hoping a new baby will bring life back into the community. I know I am.
“I was just thinking about names. Have you chosen any for the new baby?”
She strokes the fur over her bulge and smiles. “Goji will name him or her.”
“Don’t you want a say in the matter? I mean, it’s your kid, too.”
“I’m sure he’ll pick a good one.”
“Okay, but just for fun, what name would you choose?”
She chews on her bottom lip. “Well, I love the name Heidi for a girl. It was one of my favorite books growing up. Boys’ names are harder. Maybe something biblical.”
“A Bible name? Why?”
Rain holds up a finger to signify another fake contraction. She unbuttons her coat and places my hand on her belly with her hands over mine. It feels hard at first, then gradually softens.
“Wow. That’s amazing.”
She smiles and lets go of my hand. “My parents were pretty religious. I have . . . I had a biblical name.”
“Can I ask what it was?” I hope she doesn’t get mad like Jade did when I found out her real name is Judy.
Rain grins. “Promise you won’t laugh?”
“I promise.”
“Bethany. I went by Beth, but Bethany is my legal name.”
“Why would I laugh at that?”
She giggles. “I don’t know. I’ve gotten so used to my new name that it sounds silly now.”
“I like them both.”
Rain drops her head to my shoulder. “Thanks, Blue.”
“I used to have a Bible name.”
She lifts her head and turns toward me. “You did?”
“Yeah. Noah.”
Rain draws in a sharp breath. Her face goes pale and she looks like she’s going to pass out. I hold her arm to steady her. “Another one?”
She clutches her big belly. “Oh. Oh no.”
“What? What is it?”
She tries to stand, then sits again. “Help me away from the table.”
I hold my hand on her back as she slowly swings her legs, one at a time, over the bench. The wood seat is wet and there’s a puddle on the ground underneath where she was sitting.
“Don’t be embarrassed. I pissed myself once when I was sick.”
She shakes her head. “I think my water just broke.”
I feel like an idiot for accusing her of peeing. “I’ll go get one of the sister-mothers!”
“No, stay with me!” She takes a deep breath, tears spilling out of her eyes.
“I thought you said they don’t hurt?”
She grabs my arms and pleads. “Please don’t leave. Walk with me to Goji’s place.”
“Are you sure?”
She nods. “I’m sure.”
We slowly amble toward the shack. Halfway there Rain doubles over and throws up. When we reach Goji’s front step she winces.
“I thought you weren’t due for another three weeks.”
Rain takes a deep breath. “I might have miscalculated. Or maybe this baby is just sick of waiting. I’ve had a backache all morning and these contractions. I just figured they were more of the fake kind.”
“If your water breaks I think it’s real.”
She forces a smile and drapes her arm around my shoulder to steady herself. I call out for Goji as we close in on his shack, but he doesn’t seem to be around. Except for the night I sneaked Ziggy in and found the candy bars, I’ve never entered his home without being invited.
Rain doubles over again, steadying herself against a post near the front step. I wait for her to catch her breath. “Are you going to be sick again?”
She shakes her head. “I need to lie down. I’m feeling faint.”
I hold her arm as we climb the step, glancing around behind me in hopes of catching someone, anyone. Off towar
d the garden I see Sirona running toward the shack. She must have heard me yelling for Goji. When she reaches us, she tries to lead Rain toward the bed in the corner but Rain flops in an overstuffed chair near the door. She clutches the worn arms that have stuffing coming out where Ziggy has clawed his way through the fabric. “I just need a minute.”
Sirona holds Rain’s hand. “When did this start?”
Rain leans forward, parting her knees to make room for her belly. “I don’t know.”
“About half an hour ago,” I say. “We were sitting at the table when she started having contractions. Her water broke as soon as she stood up.”
Sirona squats in front of the chair and lays her ear against Rain’s belly. I move behind the chair and rest my hands on Rain’s shoulders. Rain grabs both my hands.
“She threw up on the way here. Is that normal?”
Sirona holds one finger up. “Shh! I need to listen.”
I stand perfectly still. Ziggy leaps from Goji’s desk, scattering notes and papers. “Shh!” I say to Ziggy.
Sirona lifts her head. “Blue, I need my stethoscope. Will you run and get my midwifery bag?”
I have to unfold Rain’s tight grip on my fingers. I race to the truck and grab the familiar satchel from behind the front seat. By the time I get back, Rain is in the middle of another contraction. I stand in the doorway of the shack and watch her and Sirona breathe through it together before handing Sirona her bag. She digs a stethoscope from inside and places it on Rain’s belly.
Feeling a bit useless, I tiptoe over to clean up the mess of papers Ziggy scattered. When I pick up the manila envelope, two crisp airline tickets slide out and onto the floor. They’re dated for January to Bombay, India. The names printed on the front are “David Kagen” and “Bethany Kagen.” I peek inside the envelope to find two passports with Goji’s and Rain’s pictures on them with the same names. He and Rain never mentioned anything about getting married. Goji has always insisted that marriage is a government institution that bastardizes love.
My hands shake as I stuff the passports and plane tickets back into the envelope. I look toward Rain, my mouth half open, wanting to ask if she knows that Goji is planning to take her to India. She lets out a low moan, then takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. My questions are the last thing Rain needs right now.
Clover Blue Page 27
