"Don't worry, I'll be careful."
"You just go in the door, ask, see what the response is, and get out. Don't go poking more than you have to. Here, take my pistol," Matthew insisted. "They shot up my coach pretty well."
Oliver's brows rose, but to his credit he didn't back down. "In that case I might take one of the burliest porters with me."
"Listen, if you can't get anything out of the odd-looking young doorkeeper, try to talk to some of the women. See if they caught sight of the man or men who brought her in. Have you got enough money to pay for your expenses?"
Oliver looked shocked. "I have no intention of futtering any of the-"
Matthew rolled his eyes. "You have been out of the game too long. I just meant that it'll be easier and far less suspicious to just pay for their time regardless and get them up to a room to talk in private. I wasn't accusing you, I promise."
Oliver had the grace to look sheepish. "Oh yes, er, sorry. This all just dredges up some- Sorry."
Antony smiled at him reassuringly.
Matthew hastened to say "No one wants to throw your past in your face. Believe me, I have no right to cast any stones. I'm very grateful to you for any help you can give me." He emptied his pockets and held out the pistol.
"All right, off I go." Oliver tidied his black hair and took the money. He hefted the percussion pistol, lifted the spare ammunition and powder, and left.
Chapter Four
As soon as Oliver had left to investigate the strange events in the brothel that night, Antony began to clean up the room. "How are you bearing up, Matthew?" he asked quietly.
He took a ragged breath and swallowed hard. "I can't believe this. It's like my worst nightmare."
"I can see how it would be very shocking," he said sympathetically.
"No, you don't understand. Shocking doesn't even begin to describe the disgust I feel at myself. The fury I feel for the men who did those things to her. She was a joy as a child. And as a young woman. Always has been. So happy and lovely." His voice cracked.
He rubbed his sour-tasting mouth, feeling the bile rising once more. "Now look at what they've done to her! She's been debauched and degraded. How will she ever be able to lead a normal life?"
Antony said gently, "We have to hope that she shall, in time. After all, we've helped a great number of women here reform their lives. Some went on the game by choice. The game. A euphemism if ever there was one, and certainly not fun for these poor women.
"Choice might also be a bad word. Most did it out of economic necessity. Still others were forced or coerced or even blackmailed into it. I know how much you admire and care for Althea. If she's as intelligent and devout as you say, then with help she'll rise above this and you can eventually have a normal marriage. You're just going to need to be patient for a time. And honest and open about this above all."
Matthew looked appalled. "A normal marriage? How can you even suggest-"
"Conjugal comfort is one of the reasons a man weds. One of the main ones, I should think. Surely you want to have a family one day?"
"Can she even-" He swallowed hard.
Antony sighed and patted him on the shoulder. "There, there. I know you're blaming yourself, but there's no reason to think the worst. We'll know more when she's awake and lucid. But I'm sure you don't want a marriage of convenience. You're far too hot-blooded for it in any case, if I may say so."
"Too damned hot-blooded for her after what she's been through, so please don't even mention conjugal relations to me again."
Antony put down the instruments he had been washing in boiled water. "But if that's true, then you can't marry her! I'm telling you as a friend, marriage is an irrevocable step. If you can't absolutely and firmly commit yourself to making Althea happy, both body and soul, then you should have Alistair set her up legally as your ward. As her nearest eldest male kin it would be simple and you would not need to fear the consequences of sending her back to Surrey unprotected."
"And what about the unfortunate fact of her loss of virginity? The possibility of her being with child?" Matthew growled.
"Some men would not hold it against her--"
He grimaced. "Most men would. Damn me for a hypocrite, but even I would, I have to admit. I know men like to have their fun, but I haven't gone about defiling virgins, and I would want a chaste wife. They might say they don't care, but most would be lying. I don't want Althea ending up unequally yoked to a man who will sneer at her, blame her. This isn't exactly something that can easily be explained, now is it? Nor would a child be, and I'm damned if I am farming out any more Dane babies after what happened with my poor mother and sisters."
He bit his tongue, not wanting to discuss something so personal with the doctor. Moreover, he did not want to be sidetracked. "And I have the feeling that however disturbing the thought is of ever attempting to have her as a true wife in earnest, even more perturbing is the prospect of leaving these wounds to fester. No one is ever going to be able to understand what she went through except me. I was there. I saw her. I contributed to her ruin even if I didn't engineer it.
"But the only thing worse than the first time having sex is the second time. It confirms all your worst fears, or your best joys. I should have known the second time I was with Matilda and she turned up with a riding crop that she was going to be nothing but trouble. Like a fool I tried to control her, change her.
"With Althea, she needs to know that it isn't a horribly repellent experience, and that she has a choice. That she's not some victim of my ravishment. I blame myself for my clumsy stupidity, but I know enough about women to know I can make it better if I have the chance. She has to know she's not to blame. I only pray she doesn't bitterly blame me for my part in what happened tonight. I should have untied her when she asked me to. Then maybe none of this would have happened."
"I don't think she'll blame you. Besides, by the time you help wean her off the opium she'll probably hate you anyway. Or you might hate her."
Matthew stared. "What are you saying?"
Antony finished rinsing his instruments and looked at his friend directly. "It won't be her fault. It's an illness. There is a cure, but it's not a pleasant one. You have a choice here. Are you sure you still want to marry her and nurse her? No one will think any the less of you for admitting you're not up to the task."
"She needs me. I have to make certain I am up to it."
"Forcing yourself is not going to help her," Antony warned.
"Force. Aye. My forcing her certainly didn't help," he said bitterly. "But thank God I wasn't really rough or out of control. With some women, like Matilda, yes, if they ask for it. I know what I'm capable of, and it revolts me. But I should never have kept her tied. Even as a game."
"Yet some couples enjoy it," the doctor pointed out mildly.
Matthew shook his head. "Not me before, not ever. Matilda used to try to persuade me. To do it to her, and especially for me to let her. I can't bear the thought of compulsion. Philip has told me enough stories about his old life to make me cringe just thinking about it.
"Yet as soon as I touched Althea, I was so excited I couldn't stop, even when she said my name the first time. I should have suspected something then. But no, I just plunged on heedlessly like some ravening beast."
Dr. Herriot saw the tears brimming again and said gently, "It was an honest mistake. A shocking one, true, but how on earth could you be expected to have known it was your cousin.
"And no, you didn't cause any of these injuries, if that's what you're worried about. None of them are fresh. They're all a few days old. And I don't think you were excited because she was bound, but because she was beautiful. She is, you know. There's nothing to be ashamed of for wanting someone so lovely."
"And so young. Not even eighteen yet," Matthew said bitterly.
The doctor shrugged one shoulder. "Many women marry at sixteen. Some even younger."
"True, but I wanted her to grow up a bit more before- And wanted to set my
house in order, so to speak." He sighed. "Well, too late now."
He looked at his friend sharply. "You sound like you're gritting your teeth to perform some unpleasant duty," Antony accused.
"Not at all. Just being practical. I knew I was on the wrong course in my life, and wanted to do better. I'm not complaining, I just hadn't thought to marry so soon. Everything you said about my raking before was true. So I do admit it. Even beyond all the obstacles you warned me about, marriage is going to be a big change in my life. And I certainly don't know how I'm ever going to make myself a better man so that I can truly deserve her."
"You can work to be worthy of each other," Antony said in a reassuring manner.
"But you don't understand what a monster I am." His voice dropped to a low groan. "I actually enjoyed it. Enjoyed her. She was the most incredible woman I've ever touched in my life. And the worst thing is, even after everything that's happened, all I can think about is how much I want her. I still desire her so badly I can taste her. What sort of man does that make me? Nay, not a man at all, but a beast!"
Antony shrugged and shook his head. "It's not as if she's a complete stranger. You've been intimate with each other for years emotionally, if not physically, through your being close cousins. I've suspected from the way you've spoken about her in the past that you hold a great deal of warmth and tenderness for her. She's an incredibly lovely woman. I'd say it makes you normal."
Matthew gaped. "Bound and gagged? Normal?"
"It was only supposed to be a game. Two consenting adults, no one getting hurt. Did she-" He paused, not thinking Matthew was really ready for the question.
"Did she what?" Matthew demanded.
"Did she what?" he asked more sharply when his friend remained silent for some time.
Dr. Herriot flushed red. "Well, you enjoyed Althea."
Matthew felt his face flood with color as well. "Aye, too much, to my mind."
"Then the question is, did Althea enjoy you?"
Chapter Five
Matthew scowled blackly, and cursed under his breath. But he considered the question seriously. At length he replied, "I think so. Yes, yes, she did enjoy me, after the initial pain left her. I'm pretty sure I know women well enough to be sure of that. at least.
"And it wasn't like I was setting out to hurt anyone. It wasn't just sex for me, much as it started out that way. I wanted her to be happy, to be pleased and enjoy it, even when I thought she was just a paid companion."
Dr. Herriot nodded and gave an encouraging smile."Then that's a good thing. A hope you can cling on to. That you can share something special one day when she's recovered from her abduction."
Matthew looked at him incredulously. "Share something special, you say? I'll be happy if she's even willing to share the same house with me, let alone, well, conjugal rights!"
"You're being far too hard on yourself."
He sighed heavily and shook his head, then threw himself down into the chair and stroked Althea's hair as she lay on the clinic examining table. "I don't think I am being too hard on myself. Actually, I've been forced to take a long hard look at myself for some time now. The debauched and empty way I've been living, well, this is just a sign I was right all along. That I need to seek redemption before it's too late."
"But not through marriage, surely, not if you aren't willing to face up to your responsibilities as a husband."
Matthew shook his head. "No, I mean even before this happened. I've been regretful for a long time, ever since I broke up with Matilda and realised how much time I'd wasted with her, and upon women like her. Women not even fit to be in the same room as a woman like Althea. So this has to be a sign. After what happened last night, it really is the last straw. My days of raking and prowling in brothels are over."
"Speaking as the head of a clinic for fallen women, I can't say I'm sorry to hear it," Antony said drily, pulling up a chair beside his old friend. "I do hope you stick to your resolutions. But don't let this one incident take all of your joy out of the act entirely. You're a good man who deserves to be loved by a good woman. I feel sure Althea can be that woman, and you an excellent husband in time. Don't doubt or reproach yourself, and above all, be honest with her about how you feel."
"Honest? What man is ever honest with a woman?" he asked disparagingly.
Dr. Herriot gave him a pointed glare which in any other man would have been called ferocious. "A man who loves and cares for her. You need to stop thinking like a rake and start thinking like a true Rakehell. All of the married ones adore their wives. Philip and Jasmine are inseparable. He's had more sexual liaisons than I've had hot dinners, yet he would never stray. So has Randall, and look how happy he is. You can reform. You can build a satisfying relationship on every level with Althea if you're both patient and truthful. Just don't judge yourself too harshly.
"And now," he said, looking over at Althea and seeing she had opened her eyes, "I think she needs some warm broth."
Matthew watched carefully as Antony's assistant Clarissa fed her from a beaker, and then insisted he wanted to do it himself.
"Always test with your wrist to see it won't burn. Like feeding a baby with a dummy tit," the Cockney assistant advised as she watched him.
"I've never fed a baby," he admitted distractedly, all his concentration focused on Althea and doing things right for her. Anything to get her better, no matter how intimate or even revolting.
She gave him a withering glance. "Aye, typical man. Have your fun and run. You rakes are all the bloody same. Think you're summat special 'cos you twiddle your tiddler about. Roger virgins left, right and centre, then call them whores. A man enjoys dozens of women, he's a buck, stag, stallion, stud. Girl does the same, she's a slut. You all make me sick."
Matthew instantly began to rise to his own defence on instinct alone. "Now see here-"
"Aye, I know, you're going to tell me you're different. Every man does. That the girls enjoy it too, so where's the harm? That all you have you have to do is walk into the room and they wet their knickers. Or that they really mean yes when they say no. Or that just because they're working girls, you can do what you like with them. That it's all a bit of fun and no one will get hurt."
"Now I never said--"
"You don't 'ave to. Well, you mark my words. If you don't give a damn about the person your swiving or she doesn't about you, someone is bound to get hurt. Just have a look at all the women we have here. Or go to a madhouse or orphanage if you don't believe me."
"I am different. "I've always been careful and-"
"Then how have you come to be here? How did this poor lass get this way?" She pointed at Althea's bruised face. "Even if you didn't do all this yourself, men like you did. You drive each other on with your loose talk and never-ending competition to be cock of the walk. You may not have beaten and buggered the girl yourself, but I bet you know plenty of the kind of men who like that sort of thing. Don't tell me you don't."
Matthew could feel his stomach churning, and raised one hand as though to ward off a blow.
Fortunately the doctor arrived before she could lambaste him further. "Thank you, Clarissa. That will be all for now."
"Yes, Dr. Herriot."
When she had gone Antony said, "I must apologise for her. A good friend of hers was killed as a result of Chauncey Howell's brutality."
"I'm nothing like him!" Matthew exclaimed furiously. "He was a degenerate and murderer. He nearly killed Randall and lsolde."
"You don't need to remind me. He and my cousin were most fortunate. But it's good to put things into perspective. You're not as pure as someone like, say, Alistair Grant, but nor are you as depraved as Howell was."
"May the bastard rot in Hell. Along with all of the men who did this to Althea."
Antony sighed heavily. "It might be a sin to say it, but amen to that. I get so sick of all the depravity in the world sometimes. I look at your cousin here and I want to burn down every stew in London."
Matthew's handsome
mouth thinned to a tight line. "That would be getting nigh on half the Town."
"Certainly this district and Southwark would all go up in flames," he said with a nod.
"Is there any more broth? She's almost finished this."
"I'll go get more."
Althea was shivering intermittently, so Matthew piled on more blankets, and rang for additional hot water bottles.
"I'm so cold," she stammered between chattering teeth.
Matthew stroked her hair back and looked around futilely for more blankets.
Dr. Herriot returned with the broth a moment later.
Matthew looked at his friend. "Warm bricks, the heating pan, more hot water bottles?" he requested.
The Rakehell Regency Romance Collection #4 Page 55
