by Leddy Harper
“Within a year, he was not only in the black for the first time in a while, but he was making more money than he had in the previous ten years combined. When I turned eighteen, he gave me half-ownership of the store and made me his partner. It wasn’t what I was after, but that’s when he suggested I sell my share and start my own company. It was because he knew I had something special. He believed in me. My father sent me to college to learn about management and investments, and the rest is history.”
“Wow. That’s rather impressive.”
“Yeah, I am.”
And then she laughed again. It did even more to me in the darkness because it literally surrounded me like an invisible blanket. Every thought in my head shut down with the sound. My troubles with Gabi vanished, my stress disappeared. Everything became better with the simple sound of her happiness.
“Oh my God, why do I think you’re not joking?”
“Why would I joke about something like that? I am impressive.” I finally snickered with her, enjoying this moment. It’d been too long. Although, a small ache settled in my chest, knowing this was wrong. I should’ve been enjoying moments with Gabi, not Eden. And more importantly, I shouldn’t have wanted to stay here.
“It’s nice to hear you laugh,” she commented shyly.
“Why’s that?”
“You seemed really quiet when I first sat down. Last night you were friendly and inviting. This morning you were…intimidating. But tonight, you’re…I don’t know, distant.”
I thought I did a good job of hiding it. Somehow, she saw through me. I wondered if she was the first person to see it since it all happened. Or maybe just the first person to say anything.
I shrugged. “Just a rough day.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
Sometimes I thought it would help to get it off my chest, but I didn’t really feel like I had anyone who’d listen. Yet here she was, asking me to open up to her. I could’ve talked to her about it, but I enjoyed spending time with her and refused to mess things up by bringing up miscarriages and depression. So I shook my head and said, “No, but thank you.”
She was quiet for a moment, and then she stood up. I didn’t move. I sat there and watched as she peered over the banister into the lapping water below.
“What are you doing?” I asked without taking my eyes off her.
“We should go swimming. Jump in with me.”
“I’m not jumping in. It’s not deep enough.”
“Don’t be scared. This will be my first time in the Gulf of Mexico. It’s a monumental occasion. Don’t you want to experience it with me?” She teased me, taunted me. She flirted with me, and I knew I needed to put an end to it.
I stood, determined to go home, but she kicked off her flip-flops and climbed over the railing. I should have told her no, that it was unsafe.
I should’ve walked away.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I followed suit by taking off my tennis shoes and socks, then joining her on the other side.
She stared at me with wide eyes, probably reflecting the same expression I knew I wore on my face. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have been on that side. I shouldn’t have been seconds away from jumping off a dock into water that was too shallow. But somehow, she made me forget about it all.
About the pain I lived with.
The laughter I longed for.
The excitement I used to have for life.
“Hey,” she said as she grabbed my hand. “Just know that if you ever need an ear, I’m a really good listener.” Before I had a chance to respond, she jumped forward, taking me with her.
When I got to the water, I tucked my legs, not releasing them until I was on my way up to the surface. It was deeper than I had thought—the tide must’ve been in—and as I stood, the water came to my shoulders. Eden was almost a foot shorter than me, so I knew she wouldn’t have been able to stand.
Her head pushed through the surface as she took in a lungful of air and grabbed ahold of me. “I can’t swim.” She sounded panicked and out of breath, so I brought her body to me and held her around her waist.
Her legs wound around my midsection and squeezed. I wished she hadn’t done that. It’d been too long since anyone had touched me, even the slightest bit. Her legs wrapped around me was too much.
I shouldn’t have liked it.
I wished I hadn’t.
“If you can’t swim, why the fuck would you jump in the water?” I asked, hoping to conceal my guilt with irritation.
“You said it wasn’t that deep.” She was still out of breath and I didn’t know if it was from the jump or fear.
“It’s normally not,” I responded as I walked her up to the shore.
Once we made it far enough for her to stand on her own, she let go. That’s what I had wanted her to do from the beginning, ever since she’d latched on, but once she did, I wished she’d held on longer. The absence of her—of a simple touch—manifested into pain. The lack of physical human contact was excruciating. But I knew it was for the best.
Silence consumed us as we walked to the shore. She inched closer to me, and I did nothing but stand there, waiting to see what she’d do. Her hands came up and held my face. She forced my gaze to hers. I resisted at first. But I gave in and let her look into my soul because she made me feel cherished and cared for. My heart ached and a war raged on inside my head. I shouldn’t have been there with her. The words were at the tip of my tongue. I can’t. But they didn’t come out.
Her fingernails ran over the dusting of scruff on my cheek until I literally groaned in agony. That simple touch sent an ache throughout my body, a yearning I hadn’t felt in what seemed like forever.
Slowly, she pulled my face closer to hers. Inch by painstaking inch, until her breath fanned across my lips. A split second before our mouths met, I turned my head, knowing this was wrong. I craved it, more than anything, but not from her. I needed it from Gabi—from the one woman I loved. But I hadn’t had it in so long. The need to feel wanted burned from the inside out. The guilt over desiring it from someone else was almost too much to bear.
She moved away and let go of my face. “I’m so sorry. That was…that was stupid of me. My God. What was I thinking? You’re my boss! And I…threw myself at you. I was…I was wrapped up in the adrenaline of jumping off the pier. I’m sorry, Dane.”
“Eden.” Her name burned my tongue, as if it knew it didn’t belong there. “Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault. I just can’t. This…can’t happen again.”
“No. I know. Really, Dane, I’m so sorry. This isn’t who I am. I don’t go around trying to kiss random men. Especially men I work for. You don’t have to worry about me trying to do something like this ever again. I swear.” She rambled, taking on all the responsibility, and I knew I had to stop it. I had to make sure she knew it wasn’t her.
“Seriously, stop apologizing. It’s not you. It’s not because I’m your boss—even though that should be the reason. I can’t do this with you because I’m…I’m with someone.”
No words, only silence.
Her feet shuffled in the sand as she took a step back, turned, paused, and then faced me again. Another step in my direction, her hand in the air. Her mouth opened and closed. And then she turned away again. But this time, she didn’t change her mind. She simply walked away, leaving me standing there.
I wanted to run after her.
I wanted to go home.
I wanted…
I wanted…
I just fucking wanted to be happy again.
4
I stood in front of the mirror and wiped off the fog from my shower. Staring at my reflection, I saw someone unfamiliar to me. Unrecognizable. A shadow of the man I used to be.
Anyone looking at me would never know the loneliness that lived inside. The desperation that had carved itself a spot and made a permanent home where my heart used to lay. But I knew because I struggled with it on a daily basis. It taunted me every day
and refused to let me forget about the hollowness surrounding me.
I worked out often, and it showed in my physique. On the outside, I appeared to be well put together. My dirty-blond hair was always kept short, neat, never long enough to be considered unruly. I trimmed my close-cut beard every morning—weekends included. During the week, I sported business-men ties and pressed pants, wore shoes that shined, and I carried a briefcase.
Professional.
Composed.
But looks can be deceiving.
Staring at myself now, I noticed how dull my blue eyes had become. No longer vibrant and full of life. I’d spent so long paying attention and pouring everything into Gabi that I hadn’t seen the effects her depression had on me. The toll it’d taken on me.
I ran my hand over my scruff, the same place Eden had touched me earlier, and tried to remember what it felt like when Gabi used to scratch the short hairs. I fought to recall the feel of her hands on me, the way her breath used to warm the skin on my neck when we’d curl up together, even if only to watch a silly movie. I could no longer remember in vivid detail what it was like to be with her intimately. Instead, all I could feel was Eden’s hand on my face, her breath on my lips, her legs around my waist.
It disgusted me.
Giving up on the self-deprecating thoughts, I turned off the bathroom light and went to the bedroom. Gabi was already asleep, on her side facing away from me, so I carefully climbed beneath the covers to keep from disturbing her. But the longer I lay there, the worse my desperation became. I needed her, and I knew she needed me.
Something had to give.
Rolling onto my side to face her, I wrapped my arm around her waist. I no longer cared if I woke her or not. I wanted her awake. I needed her voice, her touch, her lips on mine.
Depression affects more than the person struggling with it. It reaches out its talons and hooks everyone close—and I was tired of being ripped apart by it.
I hauled her into me. Her back met my chest and warmth instantly flooded me. It was as if I’d been locked outside in the cold without a jacket, and then came inside to sit by the fire. Comforting. But it didn’t last long. She stirred and fought against my hold until I finally relented, letting her roll onto her stomach with her face buried into her pillow.
And the frosty chill returned.
I stared at the ceiling, knowing something had to give. A woman—a stranger—had made me smile, made me laugh, and I had enjoyed it. I craved it more than I thought possible. And I needed more of it. But there was a line I couldn’t cross, a point at which it was wrong. Sadly, I wasn’t sure I knew where that line was.
The darkness took over while I contemplated it all. I loved Gabi, more than anything else in the world. However, at some point, I had to learn how to put myself first when needed. Only, I didn’t think it possible to ever put myself before her. She wasn’t whole. She wasn’t in a place where she was capable of taking care of herself.
Gabi moaned in her sleep—a sound I hadn’t heard in ages. She became restless, flipping her head from side to side until she settled and faced me. Her eyes opened and a smile lilted her lips. It was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.
She slowly removed her arm out from beneath her and stretched it out to lay her hand on my bare chest. The heat from her palm flowed through me like the rays of the sun at noon.
“Hey,” I whispered, completely unsure of how to act. Everything had been so difficult between us lately, and the last thing I wanted to do was scare her off or upset her somehow. I could upset her without even meaning to.
Her smile grew wider while she blinked at me. “Hey,” she repeated in a sleepy voice, almost scratchy. “I missed you.”
My chest grew heavy, as if the weight of the world settled on it, and a sigh escaped. Relief flooded me, as well as complete and utter joy. “I missed you, too, baby.”
She softly ran her nails over my skin and scooted closer. “Make love to me. I need you, Dane. I love you so much. Please, make love to me.” The way she asked made it sound as though she were begging, although she never needed to. I’d do anything for her, and she knew it.
I rolled into her, forcing her onto her back, and then covered her body with mine. The feel of her beneath me was something I’d longed for. Craved. Needed more than air to breathe. She was my oxygen, and I realized I’d been suffocating without her.
Her lips were soft, her tongue warm. She wrapped her arms around my neck and held me against her. This could go on forever. The feel of her warm skin on my hands filled me with life, and the sounds of her desire urged me on.
In an instant, she lay beneath me naked, her body bare for me to appreciate. To love. To worship like my life depended on it. She wrapped her legs around my waist and locked her ankles together to keep me there, like she’d always done, as if she were afraid I’d disappear. But it was her I was scared would vanish…more so than she already had.
I filled her and swallowed her approval. She felt like heaven. Like home. Like all was right in the world. Her nails dug into my skin and urged me on. I couldn’t get enough of this woman.
“Dane…” she whispered into the quiet room.
I pulled away, needing to see her face. I had to make sure she wasn’t crying, because it’d been so long since I’d seen her eyes without the sheen of tears lining them. But what I saw beneath me made me stop everything. The world quit spinning and all the air had been sucked from my lungs.
Instead of wide, brown eyes, I was met with the darkest shade of green I’d ever seen. Rather than the dry, cracked lips I’d spent so long staring at, longing for, I found perfectly plump ones painted red, curled into a heart-stopping grin.
I sat back, not understanding what had happened. I was with Gabi, making love to Gabi…but beneath me lay Eden. Bare. Smiling up at me.
She reached out and held my face. “Don’t stop, Dane. Keep going.”
I glanced down and realized I was still inside her. Although, her body was nothing but a blur. I could see she was naked, but other than that, I couldn’t make out any features.
“I can’t…” I tried to get away from her, but I couldn’t. I was frozen, unable to move.
“I want to make you happy, Dane. Let me make you smile and laugh. You deserve that much.”
Before I could respond, a buzzer sounded somewhere far off, but loud enough to echo in my head. My thoughts became fuzzy, my limbs tingly and heavy, and then finally, I opened my eyes, realizing it’d all been a dream. A dream I didn’t care to dissect.
On my way into work, I stopped by the front desk and immediately earned a welcoming smile from Gina. There was a reason I’d given her this position. No one could come into this office and feel like shit after a smile from her. It helped when clients came to me, on the brink of losing their companies, and were greeted so warmly.
“Morning, Gina. Have you by chance seen a young woman come in? Red hair?”
“The one from yesterday?” She drew her brows together in thought. “I haven’t seen her yet. But you know no one comes in before you. Do you want me to give her a message or call you when she arrives?”
I tapped the desk and stepped away. “No, but thank you,” I said as I left her and headed for my office.
I had a lot of work to catch up on after skipping out so early yesterday. My inbox was full and so was the stack of missed call memos. The light on my desk phone blinked, alerting me to voicemails I needed to retrieve. But I couldn’t focus on anything other than my dream.
Shortly after sitting down at my desk, a soft knock came from the door to the adjoining room—Eden’s office. My heart raced and my palms grew clammy. I couldn’t understand it.
Eden opened the door but didn’t make a move to come in. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I don’t know what I should be doing.” She offered a shy smile.
I took a moment to appreciate her. She had her hair down and in loose curls that hung past her shoulders. Her makeup was light, like yesterday for her interview
. Black pants and high heels made her legs appear to go on for miles—long, curvy miles. And a light sweater covered her arms. For some reason, I found myself yearning to see her ink.
“Can we talk?” My voice practically got stuck in my throat, coming out hoarse and gravelly. I cleared it away and tried again, pointing to the chair in front of my desk. “Please, Eden, take a seat.”
With her hands clasped in front of her, she did as I asked and walked toward me, meekly.
“About last night—”
“No,” she said with a stern shake of her head, interrupting me. “Please, let’s not go there. It’s embarrassing enough not talking about it. I’d prefer if we pretended it didn’t happen.”
“I just need to explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain. I made a move I shouldn’t have, and you led me to believe you were available…which you shouldn’t have. No need to make ourselves look more foolish than we already do.”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t plan on telling you.” I ignored her protests and decided to explain anyway. I needed to get it off my chest. “You made me laugh, and to be honest, I’d forgotten what that felt like. I had hoped to hold onto it a little longer. This…” I wagged my finger in the air between us. “This is what I didn’t want to happen. Things changed. You’re acting differently. I’m acting differently. And all I cared about was continuing to laugh.” My breathing grew deep and my voice quieted down. “I didn’t want to stop living.”
She didn’t say a word. She sat there and stared at me as her face softened and her eyes grew wide. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she licked them and all I could do was stare. I couldn’t believe I had blurted all that out. It wasn’t my intention. But regardless, I’d opened myself up for the first time in years.
“I don’t know how else to act. Yesterday, you were some random guy I had met at a bar the night before. Last night, you were…” She shook her head and wrung her hands in her lap. “And today you’re my boss. With all due respect, Mr. Kauffmann, things would’ve changed regardless.”
