by Leddy Harper
“You love her?” Her voice was so small I barely heard it over the crashing of the waves and the laughter of the people around me. But it was loud enough to echo in my thoughts.
“Yes. I love her. I’ve always loved her.”
“How long have you been together?” she asked.
I smiled nervously. “Since high school. She was always this quiet girl who kept to herself. I couldn’t help but notice her, and finally, I decided to make the first move and talk to her.”
She smiled and shook her head. “And you’ve been together ever since?”
I nodded. “Yup. Through everything.”
“Is that why you were quiet last weekend at the pier when I showed up? You said you had things going on…was it about her? You avoided talking to me about it to keep from telling me you were with someone?”
I closed my eyes and thought about how to answer her. “That wasn’t it at all. I admit, it was nice being around someone who didn’t know how fucked up my personal life is, but that was it. I swear. You make it sound like I lied to you for some perverse reason. And that’s not the case.”
“I didn’t say that, Dane. We flirted. You complimented me. We had an easy banter between us. I’m just saying had I known about Gabi from the beginning, I never would’ve tried to kiss you…and then things never would’ve gotten awkward.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. Maybe I was being selfish and enjoyed the flirting and the fun banter.” I glanced at her, hoping she could see the truth in my eyes. “Not because I was trying to be deceitful, but because I crave the kind of easiness you seem to provide whenever you’re around.”
“What is so bad, Dane? What’s going on with you that’s so bad you have to flirt with a stranger from a bar with no hopes or desires for it to go further? I see you…” She held her opened palm to gesture to my body. “You’re a very attractive man. Not to mention, you have a great personality. Sometimes you’re even funny.” She offered a playful smile. “Things can’t be that bad.”
“We found out we were going to be parents.” I shook my head, not having a clue as to why I decided to give in and blurt that out to her. “It wasn’t planned, but it was something we both knew we wanted eventually. I won’t lie—I was scared shitless. Neither one of us knew how to be parents, and we weren’t exactly prepared for it, but those two lines made it very clear it was something we would be doing whether we were ready or not.”
Eden didn’t speak, letting me continue without interruption. I couldn’t even look at her while I recalled the story, so I stared at the sand covering her pink toenails and focused on that instead of the words coming out of my mouth. It helped with the pain settling in my chest.
“When she was eleven weeks pregnant, she miscarried. The doctors explained it happens sometimes for no reason, but she took it hard. I took it hard too, but not like her. And I think most of my pain was because I witnessed her sorrow. This past Monday was her due date. I had forgotten about it until she called me home and reminded me.”
Eden gasped. “I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. Apologies didn’t fix anything. “I think the hardest part is that she keeps referring to it as a she, even though we never knew what it was. To me, it was just a pregnancy. But to her, it was a baby girl. And I have mixed feelings about it. It’s not that I didn’t love it or want it, but to me, it wasn’t quite real. Maybe that makes me an asshole, I don’t know.”
“It doesn’t make you an asshole. It’s harder for guys to understand the concept of a baby before it’s born. It’s different with women. We feel the change in our bodies. It’s not just an idea to women, it’s a reality. That doesn’t make you an asshole.”
I stared at her with so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to ask. Her demeanor changed and it made me move with caution.
“Have you ever…?” I didn’t finish my question, but she knew what I meant.
Her eyes never left mine as she slowly shook her head. “No, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand how hard it is to lose something before getting it.”
“The last seven and a half months have been excruciating. She refuses to let it go. She’s depressed all the time, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve moved on, and sometimes, she makes me feel guilty for doing so. Then there are times I resent her for holding on.” I knew I’d said too much and the guilt began to flood my system. It wasn’t my place to talk to another woman about Gabi. I don’t know what had motivated me to do so.
Eden kept her gaze on me but didn’t utter a sound. She didn’t offer any advice or ask any more questions. She simply sat there with her dark-green eyes, pleading with me to keep going. I didn’t want to, but it seemed I was a slave to those emerald orbs. I shoved the guilt aside so I could continue. Now that I’d started purging, I couldn’t stop. The weight on my chest felt slightly lighter.
“She used to see this psychologist but stopped going months ago. She said it wasn’t helping. After begging her to talk to someone, she’s finally agreed to see him again. But as far as I know, she hasn’t made an effort to do so. I miss the person she was before. It’s affected me greatly. I used to be happy. I used to be fun. And now I’m not capable of those things.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed otherwise. I don’t look at you and see a miserable person. And I personally think you’re fun.”
I couldn’t tell her she saw me that way because she brought it out of me when I was around her. She induced laughter and made me forget about my troubles. She was the reason for the smiles on my face. But I couldn’t tell her that without sounding like a bastard.
“I guess some people have a way of bringing that out in me,” is all I said.
A small, careful grin tugged at the corners of her lips, and it did something to me. Even after opening up about Gabi and the baby, her smile could still affect me. And I hated it. Gabi should’ve been the one sitting next to me and having that effect on me. It shouldn’t be another woman.
But it was.
And I didn’t know how to feel about that.
Eden tilted her beer bottle up and finished the last drop. “You about ready to get in the water?” she asked, and I knew she’d done it to change the subject.
“Sure. But let me go grab a couple floats. Can I get you another drink?” I stood and brushed the sand off my legs.
“Please. I might need it if I’m in the ocean.” She giggled.
The moment she reached for the hem of her top, I quickly walked away, unable to handle watching her strip down to her bathing suit.
“Who’s that?” Gary, one of the guys from the office, stopped me on my way to the cooler. He tipped his chin, gesturing behind me, even though I knew who he meant.
“Oh, that’s Eden Clare. She’s my new assistant. She started this week.”
“Lucky you. You get to see that every day?”
Every muscle in my body stiffened. A wave of protectiveness washed over me—something I hadn’t felt in a really long time, and never for anyone other than Gabi. But I didn’t like the way he regarded Eden. I wanted to lash out, to punch him, to wring his neck, except I couldn’t do any of that. I had no right. She didn’t belong to me, and I couldn’t risk anyone questioning my feelings toward her. Hell, even I didn’t understand it.
Instead of speaking my mind, I simply responded, “She’s very smart and has helped me tremendously. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up taking over and demotes me to assistant.” I’m sure he misread the smile on my face, assuming it was a joke. But the truth is, merely thinking about Eden and how brilliant she was brought on a level of happiness I never expected.
“Regardless, she’s gorgeous.”
I grabbed two beers and glanced over my shoulder, wondering what had him staring in that direction. Eden stood next to her chair, spraying lotion on her bare legs.
I couldn’t look away.
She was so beautiful and ungodly sexy, and I finally got to see the full extent of the tattoo on her arm. They w
ere colorful flowers, but I had seen those before. What I hadn’t seen was the tree branch that extended across her shoulder blades, leading to the flowers. It was an amazing piece. I had quite a few tats on my body and had seen a lot on others. But I had never seen something that amazing.
A tree decorated the entire right side of her torso. The trunk was twisted and dead, but the limbs coming out of it were very much alive. They swept under one shoulder blade and crossed her upper back to the other, ending in the most beautiful explosion of colorful flowers that made up the half sleeve on her left arm. I longed to see it up close and touch every inch of it, trace the lines with the tips of my fingers.
I had to stop staring. I felt like everyone on the beach noticed my obvious assessment of her. I shook it off and grabbed a raft before heading over to where she stood, keeping my attention on the sand instead of the stunning redhead in a revealing bikini.
“Thanks,” she said when she took the beer from my hand. “Why do I feel like everyone’s eyes are on me right now?”
I dropped the raft to my feet and tugged my shirt over my head. “Just ignore them. You’re new…they always scrutinize the new people.”
I tossed my shirt onto her chair and picked up the raft. But when I faced Eden again, I found her staring at my chest, her mouth hanging open. It wasn’t the first time a woman had viewed me in that way, but it was the first time I never wanted it to end. I’d never wanted someone to check me out as much as I wanted her to. And as I watched her large chest heave up and down, I knew I had the same effect on her.
Even though I didn’t want the moment to end, I knew it had to. So I cleared my throat, earning her attention, and asked, “You ready to do this?”
She shook her head, as if clearing away her thoughts, and then nodded. “Better get me out there before I change my mind,” she said with a soft giggle.
I walked ahead of her, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her bottom sway in those small bikini bottoms had I walked behind her. And once I made it out far enough, I stopped and turned around. I couldn’t contain my laughter when I found her about ten feet behind me, wide-eyed with fear, the waves hitting her knees.
“Come on…I have your raft.” I pushed it in her direction while still holding onto it. “It’s not deep here. The water will come up to your waist. You’ll be fine.”
Fear coated her face until she reached me and took hold of the raft, gripping it tightly as if her life depended on it.
“I thought the goal was to keep people from knowing you can’t swim.” I couldn’t stop laughing, and it was a good thing she found it funny, too—otherwise, she might’ve been offended thinking I was making fun of her.
“I almost drowned a week ago. It will take time to get over my lifelong fear. I still have nightmares about it.”
I grabbed the raft between us and lowered myself until the waves washed over my shoulders. It was the only thing separating us, and for the first time, I found myself wishing there was nothing in our way. I couldn’t stop thinking about the night on the pier when we’d jumped off the side. The way her legs had worked their way around my waist and the dreams that had consumed me almost every night this week.
Ever since the first night I met Eden, I recognized that she was attractive. There really wasn’t anything about her I didn’t like. However, not once had I felt attracted to her…until now. The realization made my stomach roll and my heart speed up.
“When you said you needed to know Gabi was real…what did you mean by that?” I found myself asking. I had no idea where the question had come from, and now that it was out there, I wished I could’ve swallowed it back down.
Eden tipped her beer up and took a long pull from the bottle. She averted her eyes and licked the liquid from her lip, and I could tell my question had thrown her off as much as it did me.
Right before I could tell her to ignore the question, she opened her mouth and gave me the answer I craved to hear—however, it was also what I feared the most. “You’re fun to be around and I enjoy talking to you. I know I could easily fall for you if I let myself…and honestly, it’s a fight not to. I thought if I knew about her—her name at the very least, or how you fell in love—it’d be easier to picture you as a couple and to treat you as nothing more than my boss.”
It wasn’t until I felt her legs brush against mine in the water that I realized how close I’d brought the raft—and her—toward me.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea for you to work for me?” My gaze slowly lifted from her chin to her eyes, and I recognized the same fear I suffered stared back at me. “I’m not insinuating you should quit, and I’m not going to fire you. If I’m being completely honest, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me since…” I shook my head, refusing to finish that sentence. The pain was a constant reminder of my link to Gabi. Eden made me forget all the suffering that waited for me at home.
“Honestly, Dane? I don’t know. I’m still so new at my job, but I can already tell that I love it. I can’t see myself walking away or doing something different. It’s the job I’ve dreamed about for years, and I thought I’d had to work my way up to obtain something that dropped in my lap. I feel like the luckiest girl on the planet. And I won’t lie…part of the reason I love it so much is because of you.”
“I guess I’m just worried how much our personal feelings toward one another might affect our working relationship.” I wanted to kick myself for inadvertently admitting I felt the same as she did.
Her eyes met mine and softened. The beginning of a small grin shadowed her lips. And just like that, all the worry inside me vanished. “You’re a good man, Dane. Even though you didn’t tell me about Gabi when we first met, you said something when it counted. Most men wouldn’t have done that. Not to mention, I’m not a fan of cheating…so you don’t have to worry about me causing any problems.”
If only she knew how many problems she’d already caused to my now constant inner turmoil. Granted, it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t control my dreams any more than I could, but it didn’t change the fact I thought about her when I shouldn’t…which was pretty much all the time.
“Hey, Dane?” Her soft and timid voice caught my attention more than a loud shout would’ve. “Why don’t you wear a wedding band?”
Her question caught me off guard. I couldn’t recall telling her I was married. I’d only indicated to her I had met Gabi in high school and had been with her ever since. I told her about the baby, but plenty of people got pregnant before getting married.
My silence must have made her nervous because she continued. “I overheard someone talking at work and she called Gabi your wife. But I’ve never seen you wear a ring, and looking at your finger now, I don’t see a tan line, either.”
“That’s because I’m not married.”
I didn’t miss the spark in her eyes when they met mine.
“We’re engaged, though.”
Nor did I miss it vanish right before she closed them.
6
“Why do you keep checking the phone every five seconds? Are you waiting for a call?” Eden asked as she unwrapped her sandwich.
Somehow, ever since the beach, we’d found ourselves a good routine. It’d only been a week, but we managed to find a comfortable balance between work and friendly conversation. The door between our offices always remained open, and every day at noon—providing we weren’t in the middle of a conference call or meeting—we ate lunch together at my desk.
“Gabi finally made an appointment with her psychiatrist and it was this morning. She was supposed to call me afterward, but I haven’t heard from her. I’m starting to get a little worried.”
“What are you worried about?” Her concern was real, and it comforted me to know she cared enough to talk about it. It was new to me, since I wasn’t used to having anyone I could talk openly about Gabi to, but I was adjusting.
“I don’t know. She hasn’t been herself in a really long time. So I don’t know what kin
d of mood she’ll be in after leaving the appointment.”
The phone on my desk came to life and I instantly picked up the receiver, grappling with it until I finally settled it against my ear.
“Kauffmann.” I tried to sound confident, but felt ready to lose it at any moment.
“Well, hello there, Dane.”
The weight nearly crushed me when I recognized the female voice on the other end of the phone. I blew out a long exhale into the receiver in place of a greeting.
“Don’t sound so excited to hear from me,” she said with a giggle.
Janette. She was my publicist, and a damn good one at that. She had a husband and two boys who she kept in line, and she did the same things here at the office. Truly, she was a godsend. I always enjoyed hearing from her, but not when expecting a call from Gabi regarding therapy. It was just bad timing.
I rolled my eyes and loosened up a bit. “What’d I do now?”
“What makes you think you did anything? Guilty conscience?”
“That depends… Did you find out about me moonlighting as a high-priced male escort?” I’d forgotten about Eden’s presence until she laughed under her breath, catching my attention. I couldn’t help but smile at her. And just like that, all worry had vanished and I found myself living in the moment, lost in her green eyes.
“High priced? Please, Dane. You wouldn’t make a buck.”
Roaring laughter ripped from my chest until I was reclined in my black leather chair. “You’re just jealous. My going rate is five figures, easy.”
“Not on the corner I see you on at night.”
“Janette…I’d ask why you’re driving past corners with hookers, but I’m gonna leave that one alone.” I continued to laugh but stopped the second I saw the humor drain from Eden’s face.
“Whatever. I actually called for a reason, and it has nothing to do with you paying for sex. I returned from my two-week vacation to find out you’ve hired a new assistant. And to make matters worse, you stole her from me. She was supposed to be my new receptionist.” Her tone was filled with humor, so I knew she wasn’t legitimately angry.
