by Leddy Harper
“I’m willing to do anything if it means Gabi will be okay. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
He pointed to Gabi next to me and said, “You need to tell her.”
I nodded and turned to face Gabi again. “From the very beginning, all I wanted was to protect you. I thought I knew what I was saving you from, but I was so wrong. All this time, I’ve been trying to make up for the wrong things. I never understood why nothing seemed to be good enough with us. I thought they were, but looking back on it, I was only fooling myself. If you weren’t crying or hiding in bed all day, I assumed that meant things were looking up. I had no idea the demons never left, because I never knew they existed.”
Gabi took my hand, and when she spoke, her words were the complete opposite from what I expected to hear. “I held you back for so long, Dane. I couldn’t let you go, no matter how much I knew you suffered being with me. I was selfish…and you were always so selfless, eager to give me everything. I had nothing without you, and I wasn’t ready to give that up. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but I need you to know how grateful I am that I had you there. Without you, I would’ve given up a long time ago, and I never would’ve been able to get the help I needed. I don’t blame you for leaving. I’m surprised it took you this long, but I truly am thankful you stuck it out long enough to get me to this place, where I’m finally ready to sort through everything.”
I glanced at Dr. Thomas sitting in front of us, and reached for the manila folder on the table. I held onto it, needing to explain it first before giving it to Gabi. “I will always want what’s best for you, Gabs. I know how hard this must’ve been to come here and face these skeletons. You’ve fought against it for so long, and I don’t want there to ever be a reason you don’t continue seeking help. I know money is a big concern for you, and I don’t want it to be any longer.”
When I handed her the folder, she took it from me, but she didn’t open it. Instead, she sat with it in her lap and stared into my eyes, waiting for clarification.
“I’m in the process of finding a house. I realized that purchasing the condo had been for you, as well as everything inside. None of it belongs to me. You should have it. That way, you don’t have to be concerned about where you’ll go when you get out of here. I know you still have three weeks, but I know how your mind operates, and you’ll be hung up on that instead of focusing on healing.”
Without looking at the contents inside, she passed it back to me. “I don’t want it, Dane. That was our place. Our bed, with memories we made together. That’s where we planned to bring home our baby. If I don’t have you there with me, I don’t want it.”
“I’ve already had the papers drawn up to transfer the title into your name. I paid off the mortgage, so you don’t have to worry about it, either. I want to give this to you so you don’t have anything keeping you from getting better. After being here, you’ll still need therapy, outpatient care, medications. And I don’t want you spending all your time working a full-time job just to support yourself, because you’ll need time to take care of yourself.”
Gabi smiled and wiped away a falling tear. “I appreciate that. And I love you for trying to take care of me, but I can’t accept it. You’ve sacrificed so much for me as it is, and at some point, I have to learn how to do that for myself. I’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll figure something out. This is all new to me, and if I need help, you’ll be the first person I’ll turn to. But not like this.”
I reluctantly took the folder and sat in my seat feeling defeated. My goal was to make sure she was all right so I could move on with my life. I’d never be able to put this all behind me as long as I continued to worry about her. And I’d never stop worrying about her until I knew she was capable of standing on her own two feet.
Dread consumed me on my drive to work. It was almost lunch time, but I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t shake the overwhelming realization that Eden had been right. As long as Gabi was a part of my life, I couldn’t make Eden the priority she deserved to be.
21
I’d barely made it three feet inside the glass doors of my office building before being stopped by Janette. She knew I had a session with Gabi and would be late, and I halfway wondered if she’d been waiting on me, ready to pounce with her motherly concern.
“How’d it go? How’s she doing?” She touched my arm with gentle comfort and then shifted to the side to keep our conversation private.
“She’s better. Surprisingly better. I actually hadn’t expected to see this much positive change in her in such a short amount of time. It’s only been a week, and after seeing her today, I feel confident in this place. I can only imagine how she’ll be after three more weeks of the same.”
“That’s really good to hear. No one should internalize that kind of pain. It’s like poison. It’ll eat away at you until you’re dead inside. I’m very happy to hear she’s finally talking about it and getting the help she needs. What about the condo? How did she feel about that?”
I scoffed and scratched my chin, taking a glance around the empty foyer. “She wouldn’t accept it. She said she didn’t want to live there without me. I can tell she’s still holding on to hope that we’ll be together, but I just can’t, Janette. I can’t be with her. No matter what she’s gone through, what we’ve both been through together, I can’t ignore this voice in my head that keeps telling me we don’t belong together.”
She held my forearm, and after taking a quick sweep of our surroundings, she leaned closer and lowered her voice. “I know it’s not my business, and feel free to tell me to shut up. But from the things you’ve told me, I can’t help but piece them together and assume the attack you spoke of was of a sexual nature. Am I correct in assuming someone had violated her when she was younger?”
I had opened up to Eden and told her the ugly truth about Gabi’s past. I didn’t feel I could accurately explain everything to her without giving her that information, but for some reason, the thought of entrusting Janette with the truth shrouded me in a veil of guilt. I swallowed harshly, trying to figure out the best words to use, but luckily, she must’ve sensed my internal war and put an end to it.
“I understand if you’re not comfortable talking to me about it. I won’t press you for answers you can’t give. But in the event that is what happened, maybe I can offer you a piece of advice from someone who knows a little too much about this subject.”
I cocked my head, unsure of what she was trying to say.
“Something horrible happened to her when she was younger. Be it a sexual assault or mugging, whatever it was has clearly affected her in a bad way. You became her protector. Her guardian. Her knight in shining armor. As great as that was for her to have you play that role, you need to understand the negative impact it more than likely has had on her.”
“I’m not following.”
Janette took a steadying breath and started again. “It’s Trauma Transference Syndrome. You, without knowing it, tie her to that period in her life. Being there for her before it happened, when it happened, and after it happened has threaded you into the woven memories she has of the attack. Whether they’re conscious memories or not, you’re there, embedded in them. She will never be able to cut the ties of those demons as long as you’re present in her life.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, although it held no humor. “You’re a publicist, Janette. Not a psychologist. How do you know this?”
With a small, gentle grin, she said, “Lots and lots of therapy. I told you…I might understand you better than we thought.” She paused and blinked several times, as if staving off tears. “When I was a freshman in high school, I attended a senior party. Without going into the details, my drink was spiked and I was sexually assaulted while I lay unconscious. Most young girls who suffer from any form of rape—be it violent, date rape, or like me, having it happen with no recollection of it—don’t tell anyone. They feel ashamed and dirty. They start to blame themselves, believing they’d done something to deserve it. I
t festers into this debilitating disease called depression—PTSD. And just like the men and women returning from war, there are triggers that set them off. Now, I’m no professional, but from my experience, I’d be willing to bet you’re an active trigger for her.”
“I…I don’t know what to say. I would’ve never guessed you’d been through something like that. You seem so healthy. Married with two kids. How did you get through it?”
“Like I said—lots and lots of therapy. My parents helped me out a lot, too. I didn’t go to them right away. I didn’t know who—or how many—had violated me. Hell, I couldn’t even remember who all was there. I didn’t know most of them, and I didn’t think anyone would believe me. After all, I couldn’t remember anything. I had no proof it’d even happened. I mean…I knew. I was a virgin, so I knew something had happened, but I couldn’t prove it. I only went to my parents after I found out I was pregnant.”
“Oh my God, Janette.” I didn’t know if I could listen to her tell me her story, especially after having to hear Gabi tell me hers. The only difference was Janette’s at least offered me some clarity. A sliver of understanding. But it didn’t take away from the enormous crater in my chest knowing something this vile had happened to two people in my life.
I’d made it a point right then to add this to the list of causes my company helped.
There needed to be more awareness, and I’d do everything I could to make that happen.
“I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me. I’m only letting you know so you can better understand Gabi, and how you inadvertently affect her. It’s not intentional, but it happens. Anything can tie a victim to an incident. For me, it was the town I lived in. The school I attended. I had a hard time going to class, walking the halls, seeing the faces of every male in attendance, and not questioning if they were the one who violated me. Anytime someone passed a note, I became anxious, assuming it was about me. I believed everyone in the school knew what had happened, and they were all laughing about it behind my back. But once I found out I was pregnant, and I told my parents, they got me the help I needed. They even went as far as moving to get me away from the town and the kids in school.”
“And that helped? Moving away?”
“Yeah. The only thing I had tying me to that night was the baby. But even that found a resolution. We spoke to an adoption agency, and by the time I gave birth, it’d all been taken care of by the counselor. The baby had been placed with a family and all I had to do was sign the birth certificate. My mother and the counselor handled the rest. I still don’t know if I had a boy or a girl. At the time, it was the best decision. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the details. But now, more than twenty years later, I find myself wondering about him or her from time to time.” She waved me off, ignoring the completely stunned expression I was sure I wore—it matched the shock running through me. “Anyway, all I meant to say was in order to break free from the ties that bind you, you have to cut them all away. Choosing to leave the relationship with Gabi might be for the best, no matter how difficult it is to let such a big part of your life go.”
The sound of heels clicking on the marble floors grew louder until it reverberated in my head. Stoic and completely frozen with shock and realization, I glanced over Janette’s shoulder, seeking out the intrusion. I found Eden sashaying toward us with that familiar easy smile on her face.
“Oh, good. You’re back,” she said as she stopped on her way out the front doors. “I’m heading out for lunch, but I’ll only be gone for an hour. I left those proposals on your desk for you to look through. All my notes are on the first page.” Her words began to slow down, probably noticing my lack of reaction. “Are you okay?”
I blinked, turned my head to look at Janette again, then I blinked some more. My eyes continued to flash between the two women, taking notice of things I’d never thought of before. Janette’s eyes were brown, but when I looked closer, the light danced off the emerald green specks. I focused on Eden’s mouth. The same shape, only painted a different color.
“Dane…is everything all right?” Eden sounded as if she were in a tunnel, her words muffled and echoed slightly. When she touched my arm, it seemed to break the spell enough for me to nod and mumble that I’d see her in an hour. My words more than likely weren’t understandable, but I didn’t care.
She slowly stepped away and exited through the glass doors, taking one last glance at me over her shoulder. Still feeling as though I wasn’t attached to my body, my mind lost in a state of confused realization, I met Janette’s stare. However, she didn’t seem as concerned with my lack of attention.
“I’ll let you get to work. It sounds like your assistant has things waiting for you. Just know I’m here if you need me. To talk, to listen, to offer advice or help you understand things from a different perspective. Either way, I’m here, Dane.” She smiled and squeezed my forearm. When I didn’t respond, she just nodded and walked toward her office, leaving me dazed and confused in the lobby of my building.
I couldn’t seem to concentrate to save my life. Eden had returned from lunch, and I still hadn’t finished going through the notes on the few proposals she’d left for me on my desk. My mind was stuck in a dense fog, wondering how I’d never put the two together.
Eden had originally applied for an underpaid, overworked public relations receptionist—Janette’s receptionist. When I’d asked her why she’d waste her talents doing that, her response was a bold-faced lie. Saying there were no other positions available. I knew then it was a lie, but I never called her out on it. Then again, at the time, I wasn’t aware I had employed her birth mother, so it never would’ve crossed my mind. But when Eden finally did open up to me and offer me that information, I should’ve thought about it. Looking at the two women, I could’ve seen the slight similarities. They weren’t blinding by any means. Subtle. Just beneath the surface. But enough of a hint to leave me questioning a possible relation.
However, I never noticed.
Eden opened the door between our offices and softly knocked on the wooden frame to catch my attention. When I glanced up from the file in my hand—the same one I’d been blankly staring at for at least an hour—I noticed slight apprehension in her expression.
“I was wondering if you needed anything. You seem to have been going over my notes for a while now, and I didn’t know if you needed me to clarify something for you.” It was obvious she wanted to ask me if I was okay, just like she’d done the day I’d left Gabi. But with our strict business-only relationship, I could tell she avoided the personal question.
“Uh, no. I think I’m all right.” Just as she made a move to turn, to head back into her office where I knew she’d close the door and shut me out, I called out, “Any progress with your birth mother?”
It was enough to make her still, slowly turning her head and lifting her eyes to meet mine. “Nothing new. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure that would fall under the umbrella of personal information. And since we’ve agreed—”
“I know, Eden.” I cut her off, unwilling to hear her reminders yet again of how we had to keep things professional. “I was just curious. And considering she works here, I figured that would make it related to business. But you’re right. I overstepped. I apologize.”
Rather than walking away, she stood with her hand around the door frame and regarded me intently. Confusion lined her brow, but fear flickered through her eyes. I could tell there was something on the tip of her tongue, probably wondering if I’d figured it out, but before she could utter a single word, there was a knock on my door and Janette invited herself in.
She took one look at Eden, then at me, and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”
“Oh, no. You’re fine.” In an instant, Eden snapped out of the worried silence. She smiled at Janette, and I immediately noticed the faint blush that crept up her neck and tinted her cheeks a dusty pink co
lor. “I was just heading to my office. He’s all yours.”
Janette stood there, stock still, and waited for the door to close behind Eden. Then she carefully made her way to my desk and took a seat across from me. Glancing over her shoulder one more time, she leaned in and whispered, “Can she hear us?”
“Not if we talk low enough…but we don’t have to whisper.” I knew why she was here. I didn’t know how she’d figured it out, but with her reaction to Eden, and now the secrecy, I knew without a doubt she’d managed to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
“Don’t lie to me. Okay, Dane? If you know the truth, and I’m assuming you do, I need you to tell me.” She paused and took a few quick breaths. Her shoulders bounced and her eyes grew softer than I’d ever seen them before. “Is there something about Eden I should know?”
My chest constricted at the thought of giving away a secret Eden clearly didn’t want anyone to know. Including me. “What makes you think that?”
“I told you what had happened to me, and about me placing a baby up for adoption. Your reaction was puzzling, but I just assumed it was shock over my confession. But then Eden came up, and your reaction became even stranger. The way you looked between us, couldn’t speak…it was as if you’d seen a ghost. Again, I assumed it was because she’d walked up in the middle of a very heavy conversation. I thought maybe you were concerned she had overheard us, possibly nervous about someone else hearing what I had said. But when I got back to my office, I started thinking. I’ve had several conversations with Eden since she started here. Some were related to business, while others were more personal.”
