by Leddy Harper
I had to leave an hour early from work in order to make it downtown, but when I went to inform Eden that I was leaving, she wasn’t in her office. Rather than sending her an email to let her know I’d be out of the office until the morning, I jotted a quick note and left it on her desk.
Signing the title didn’t take long, and before I knew it, I had the keys to my new house in hand. I drove straight there, only making a quick stop to pick up a twelve pack of beer. The electricity still had to be turned on, so instead of going inside, I cut through the yard and sat on the dock. It was dark and quiet, the perfect combination to think.
I’d done all this for Eden. To show her what she meant to me. But maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe she’d been right all along. I needed to do this for me. I had to let go of Gabi and the pain I felt in regards to the relationship that had ended. I needed to learn to be me, to take care of myself. I needed to put myself first and stop trying to be everything for everyone else.
This had to be about me.
As I sat there, beer in hand, I looked at everything I’d done over the last month. I analyzed my every move, my every decision. I bought a house. Even though I’d believed that was for Eden, I knew that wasn’t the case. Yes, I found something that reminded me of her and bought it with the hopes of sharing it with her, raising a family with her in it, but that wasn’t the reason for the move. I made the decision to let go of the condo for me. Because that place was never mine. It never felt like home, and I so desperately needed a place to call mine. It was also part of letting Gabi go.
That was the hardest part. Letting her go. Making the decision to not only walk away, but to cut her out of my life for good. Hearing her tell me she felt the same and understood why it was for the best made things easier. It made me see it as more of a mutual decision instead of me carelessly hurting her.
Once I had everything out of the condo and into the house, had it all set up and lived in, I could go after Eden. But sitting here, I realized I couldn’t do that until I had taken all the necessary steps. As much as I wanted to continue my texts, asking her to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me, I knew I had to slow it down. Not turn my back, not give up, but allow me to make the final arrangements of separating my old life from the one I hoped to share with Eden. And considering we hadn’t spoken much at work lately, I wouldn’t have had to change anything. I only had to keep things the way they were for a little while longer until I could say with conviction that I’d lived alone, I’d taken time for myself, I’d moved on.
Until I could tell her I wanted her, and she’d believe me.
I needed her to have no doubt in her mind.
24
Shopping for furniture proved to be harder than I’d ever imagined. The bed was easy. The moment I saw the photo online of the four-poster bed made to look like it’d been carved straight from a tree, I knew that was the one I wanted to share with Eden. I hadn’t picked it out for her, but for us. However, that was about the only piece of furniture I’d been able to choose.
I had everything else narrowed down to a few choices, although I needed help making the final decisions. I had the website pulled up on my computer when Eden came into my office. I expected her to drop something off, maybe give me a short explanation about it, and then leave. So when she sat in the chair across from me, I was a little taken aback.
“Are we okay, Dane? The last two days have been strained and I don’t know how to handle it. And if I’m being honest, it’s kind of affecting my job. I have to talk myself into knocking on your door, and if there’s something I need to tell you, I get nervous. I just want to make sure we’re okay.”
“Define ‘okay.’ Because it seems like we’ve been many different things to each other, and I don’t know which one is right. But if you’re asking if I’m mad, then the answer is no. I’m not angry or upset with you. I’m only trying to get through this part of my life so I can move on.”
Her gaze dropped to my desk, where she stared at seemingly nothing, lost in thought. “Okay. That makes sense. I just haven’t known how to act around you, and I’m unfamiliar with that.”
“That’s easy…act like yourself.”
“Easier said than done. I had kind of gotten used to your joking moods—and your texts. But it’s been a while since I’ve had either of those things. I know something changed on Monday between us. I guess I’m worried it’s permanent.”
My heart pounded at her words—although, it felt lighter, as if it became easier to beat. “I wasn’t sure if you were even getting my texts. You never responded to them. And when you told me how hard it is for you to be my friend, to be there for me while I’m going through this life change, I guess I assumed you didn’t care to hear from me.”
“Dane,” she whispered and almost slouched in her seat. “I never meant that I don’t want to be your friend. I know I said you couldn’t come to me with personal things, but really, that was only so I didn’t have to listen to you talk about how sad you are over the Gabi situation. That’s selfish of me—I know. But I couldn’t chance getting my hopes up that you were letting her go, only to have my heart obliterated when you changed your mind and decided to be with her again. I didn’t mean to let you down or make you feel isolated. Please, believe me when I tell you that.”
“I believe you. And I get it. It was careless of me to come to you about that. I guess I never thought there was anything I couldn’t go to you with. But you asked me to do this on my own, so that’s what I’ve decided to do. I haven’t ignored you over the last two days because I’m angry. Yes, I was upset and hurt, but that’s not why I’ve stayed to myself. I’m simply trying to give you what you asked for, while also learning how to do things on my own. You were right when you said I was jumping from one relationship to the next, and that I needed time for me. So that’s what I’m doing.”
She seemed sad, sorrow dimming her eyes, but then again, I wasn’t exactly sure what I expected. “I’m really glad to hear that. You deserve some peace after everything that’s happened lately. And honestly, you haven’t had your own identity since you were a teenager. I think it’s good for you to find that. Learn who you are.”
“I already know who I am. I’m the same person I’ve always been. The only difference is now I’m single and don’t have to worry about taking care of someone else. But regardless if I’m with someone or not, I’ll still be the person who wants to care for others. That’s who I am at the core. Who I always will be. Making others happy is what makes me happy.”
“So what kinds of things are you doing with your time?”
I smirked, about to tease her for asking a personal question, but I didn’t want this conversation to end. I didn’t want to send her off to her office after days of not having any time with her. So instead of throwing her rules back in her face, I turned my computer screen to face her. “I’m redecorating. Turns out, I know nothing about style. Help me pick out a couch. These are the ones I narrowed it down to.”
Her eyes lit up as she leaned closer to see the images. “I like the beige one. It’s mature looking. It’s the epitome of what I picture for a family room. But the black one is more manly. It all depends if you’re looking to have a bachelor vibe to the room. One says family man while the other hints to a sophisticated single guy.” She was fishing, I could tell. But I wouldn’t give in.
I turned the monitor again and added the couch to the list for the store to put on my order. Then I pulled up the next set of options, moving the monitor for her to see them. “What about end tables? And do I need a coffee table?”
“That all depends on the entertainment center. You want them to match.”
I switched the screen to the options for wall units and let her choose one.
“I like the mahogany one. You could display trinkets and things behind the glass doors, and it still has a lot of room for a big TV. But if you go with the black couch, that would probably clash. So I’d say the more industrial looking one would go better wi
th the black. It would fit with the single man vibe.”
Refusing to look her in the eye, knowing I’d give away more than I cared to, I returned to the end tables and gave her a moment to look at the options.
“It’s kind of hard to pick when I don’t know which couch you’re getting.”
I snickered and raised an eyebrow. “You did fine picking out a wall unit without knowing. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up changing my mind about all of it depending on which end tables I like the best. I like how you’re pairing the furniture. It’s easier to see it all in my head.”
“Okay…” She adjusted in her seat to get closer to the computer again. “The solid mahogany matches the entertainment center, and like the beige couch, it’s mature and seems fitting for a family room.”
I waited for her to give me other opinions, and when she didn’t, I saw through her. “And which one would go with the black couch?”
“Oh, the single man feel…yeah. Well…” Her eyes softened as she focused on the screen in front of her. The disappointment rolled off her in waves. “Out of these, I’d have to say the one that’s stained black with the glass tops, and the matching coffee table. But honestly, if you can find one that matches the TV stand, that would be best.”
“Yeah, I didn’t see any on this site. I’ll probably have to look around for one of those. But you’re right—it should match the entire room. See? Look how much you’re helping me. I’ve never decorated a room before. Without your eye, this could’ve been a disaster. Now…” I switched to another screen. “What do you think of these kitchen tables?”
“Are you redoing your whole place?”
I shrugged. “Gabi had picked out all the furniture, so yeah, I need everything.”
With a nod, she turned her attention to the options of kitchen tables I’d shown her. “These larger ones are too big for one person. Those are more for families. You’d need one of these smaller ones.”
“I was thinking the same thing. I mean, it’s only me, but what if I have people over?”
She eyed me with curiosity and smirked. “What kind of company would you have over? Have you made new friends in the last few days?”
“You never know. I could have a woman over for dinner…or breakfast.” I was pretty sure I’d gone too far with that statement. She quickly glanced away and seemed to have grown uncomfortable. I wanted to say something to ease her mind, but she didn’t let me.
“Then go with this one. It comes with a removable center so it can either seat four or six.” Without looking at me again, she stood from her seat and stepped away from the desk. “If that’s all, I have to get to work. I was just making sure we were okay…and it seems like we are.”
“Whatever happened to that house you found?” I called out, halting her escape.
“I wasn’t able to get it.” She didn’t offer any other explanation before disappearing into her office, closing the door behind her. It seemed she wasn’t ready to keep it open, or the blinds for that matter. But I couldn’t obsess over it. I’d led her to believe I was taking time to be single, and possibly meet someone. I could’ve corrected her, but after ignoring her for a few days, she finally admitted she’d missed my attention. I only needed to get through the weekend, get everything in place, and I knew it would all be okay.
She needed to miss me as much as I’d missed her.
And then she’d be willing to see how much she wanted to be with me.
It wasn’t a game I’d set out to play, but one that had fallen into my lap. If it worked, I had to play along. I needed her to know for certain that she wanted the same things I did, because I couldn’t chance getting her back, only for her to run away again.
I sent the list of furniture I decided to purchase to the salesman and paid for it over the phone. Delivery was scheduled for the next day, which meant I’d have to miss work. Normally, I would’ve cared and planned to have it all delivered on Saturday, but I didn’t want to wait that long to get moved into the house.
The San Diego Mom buyback went smoothly, which helped ease my mind about taking the next day off. However, for the rest of the day, Eden was quiet and kept to herself. Had I not been so busy, I might’ve gone to her to make sure she was all right, but every time I finished one thing, another was brought to my attention. When she didn’t come to my office at a quarter till five like she always did to ask if I needed anything before she went home, I closed down my computer and went to her.
“I’m getting ready to leave…are you still working?”
She shook her head, keeping her back to me, but other than that, she didn’t say anything.
“Okay. So are you about ready to get out of here.”
This time, she nodded, but again, said nothing.
“Are you okay, Eden?” I stepped farther into her office and only stopped when she held up her hand.
“I’m okay.” Tears filled her voice, and it worried me.
I moved to the side of her desk and took a look at her, concerned by the fact she’d been crying. “What happened?”
“It’s fine, Dane. Nothing to worry about. It’s personal, and nothing I can’t deal with.” She tried to smile, although it was weak and lifeless. “I’ll be okay. I just need to go home and get some sleep. I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”
“Speaking of tomorrow…I won’t be here. I have…uh, I have some business to take care of and it should take all day. So I’ll need you to fill in for me in case someone needs something right away.”
She wiped her face and grabbed her purse off the back of her chair. “Yup. Sounds good.”
I didn’t want to leave her like this, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. She’d erected her walls again, reverting to not speaking of personal matters to me. “Okay. Well, I have to get going. I have a lot to do at home before tomorrow. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
“I’m sure. Go, Dane. You don’t need to wait around for me. You’re a busy man.”
I nodded but stood back to wait for her. We walked out of the building together, neither saying a word. And when she headed toward her car, I went to mine. It didn’t sit well with me, but I was resigned to the fact there wasn’t much I could do if she wouldn’t let me. But still, it festered for the rest of the evening, which made packing and cleaning take that much longer.
Which also meant I didn’t get much sleep.
My alarm went off bright and early the next morning. Moving day was here and encouraged me to get out of bed. Like every morning, I went out to the balcony and leaned over the banister to take in the sight of the pier. This would be the last time I’d get to see the spot where I’d fallen in love with Eden. It was a little bittersweet, yet also slightly painful and worrisome.
I was giving it up for a chance of having a new beginning with her, but with the way things had been between us, and how I’d left her yesterday after work, I began to question if I’d made the right decision. Yes, my choice to move on and look toward the future with Eden was right. But it was how I’d gone about it that made me apprehensive. Nothing had gone right between us all week. The fight, the avoidance, inadvertently leading her to believe I was embarking on a new life without her.
It was all too much.
But today was the day I’d get everything in place so I could set the record straight.
Since I didn’t have much more than personal effects to move, I’d rented a small truck and was able to get everything moved in one trip. While I waited for the furniture to be delivered, I headed to the condo to do one final sweep, making sure I’d gotten everything out, and cleaned up what little mess I’d made this morning.
Once the furniture was brought to the house and set up, everything else was easy. Unpacking helped the time move quickly, and I found myself impatient for the day to be over. I finally had everything put away and cleaned up just in time to grab a beer from my newly stocked fridge and head out to the dock. As soon as I sat down with my legs dangling over the edge, ready to take my fi
rst swig of the cold beer, my phone vibrated in my pocket. My heart clenched when I saw it was a text from Eden.
Will you be back in the office tomorrow?
I was a little stunned that she’d reached out to me, considering she hadn’t done that since before everything went to hell in a hand basket. But I didn’t waste any time responding.
Yeah. Why? Do you need something?
It took her a few minutes to reply. But once she did, I began to worry.
I don’t think I’ll be able to make it in. Just wanted to make sure you were gonna be there.
I immediately began to blow her phone up with questions, wondering if she was okay, if she was sick, if there was anything she needed. But she never answered. By my third beer, I’d gone beyond obsessing over her, and had even tried to call her, which proved to be unsuccessful. Rather than leave her a message, I chose to go back to texts. If she wouldn’t answer, then I’d just have to type everything out, knowing she’d at least read it.
Live with me.
Marry me.
Grow old with me.
Have babies with me.
Share your life with me.
Of course, she never responded to any of it. I didn’t expect her to. But at least she’d know how I felt. I didn’t want her to go on any longer under the misconception that I had given up. I wished I could’ve told her face to face, but she didn’t give me that option. So I did what I had to in order for the record to be set straight.
Once again, I couldn’t sleep. It was comforting knowing I was on a new bed, in a new house, my fresh start, but not knowing Eden’s frame of mind made me uneasy. I’d tossed and turned all night before dragging myself out of bed when my alarm sounded. Knowing I wouldn’t get to see her face at least once until Monday made it difficult to find any motivation to start my day, but I had a company to run. I couldn’t spend my life consumed by Eden, no matter how much of a priority she was.
