Suddenly I heard her voice call, she wrapped her finger on the toilet door, “hurry up,” she purred, “that sofa is too lumpy, I’m going upstairs; I’ll meet you in your bed sexy, so hurry, before I lose all my clothes and I think you might want to help me!”
Suddenly all hell broke loose, “no,” I shouted don’t go upstairs!”
“I’m used to a bit of mess, don’t worry,” she joked and I could hear her ascending the first step. I jumped up, I don’t know why I was in such a panic but I was flushed with fear, struggling through the drunken stagger to pull my jeans on and straighten myself up.
By the time I went to open the toilet door she was screaming with a horrific whine, I bust open the door and ran to the bottom of the stairs. Her legs and up to her waist was sunken into the stairs, like quicksand she was sinking deeper. I grabbed her arms and pulled but I was so horrified, the whole childhood nightmare that I had spent so many years trying to forget, trying to convince myself was just the product of a deranged immature imagination was fast becoming real. The fear struck me down, I tried to pull but it was useless, slowly I cried as I saw the little clumps of carpet swarming her up to her neck.
I saw her horrified and confused expression slowly fade into the stair, the carpet swallowed her and once it was done I was alone, totally, she was gone and all was quiet. Standing in total shock I heard a voice, a voice I recognised, a voice I feared more than anything, “I wanted to play with you,” it said, “I wanted to play and she wouldn’t let me, she wanted to play with you; that’s not fair is it Martin, we can’t have that.”
In a rage it all came back to me, my brother, my mum and dad, Doctor Thorn. It was true, the naughty step, it took them all. I ran to the shed, fury in my eyes, unaware of my own actions I picked up an axe and ran back into the house, up to the step and I hacked it away. Bits of carpet and wood sprayed up everywhere as my fury knew no bounds, I cursed it and smashed it with all my might. The bannister came crashing down and dust blew up in my face, littering my eyes so that I could not see.
I ran off, dropping the axe and found my way into the front room. She was there, my wonderful date, standing with a glass in her hand, “what’s up darling?” she asked.
The dust had gone from my eyes, from my clothes too. I looked at her, she was safe, whatever just happened was obviously just a hallucination, I’m having a psychotic episode but I was pleased that was and my thoughts that it was true was but a fleeting moment.
“Errm….. Fine, I’m fine,” I said, hardly believing it myself, “just give me a minute,” and I stepped outside into the hallway, it was dark. I held up my hand to turn on the light, it was not there. Strange I thought, and I moved my hand up the wall to find it. It was much further up, like someone had moved it up, am I hallucinating again?
I switched it on and shock hit me like a tsunami, there was wallpaper all over the hallway walls, the same wallpaper that my father put up decades ago and the same wallpaper that I stripped off when I took over the house. Not only this but the knuckles on my hand was gone, the veins too, my hand looked chubby and immature, like that hand was ten years old again. I put it to my face, it felt different, no stubble, and my skin so soft. I looked down to see that I was wearing the hospital issue clothes I came to house with that fateful day.
I had to question what happened to the girl, what girl? I seem to have forgotten her name, like a dream that floats in the memory seconds after you wake but slowly slips away from you and leaves you in state of confusion. Confused I was; it seems that the past decade or so had deteriorated from my memory and for all intents and purposes I was now, nothing but a ten year old boy. What was I talking about? I did not understand my own thoughts, I looked around for help and there he was, Doctor Thorn, standing at the bottom of the steps.
“See,” he said, stamping his foot on the third step, “nothing to worry about, it’s just a step.” The fear gripped me, he was in danger; I could feel it though I knew not why. I had to leave, turn away; I backed off and turned through the open kitchen door.
As I entered the kitchen I felt smaller again, my concern for the Doctor melted away into confusion and just as the last decade of my life and more had vanished I started to ask myself who the doctor was, the hospital where I had spent seven long years was fading fast from my memory. Immediately discovering that simple mental tasks were beyond me, modest mathematics, words of over two syllables, just what mathematics and syllables were became more clouded as the seconds past. I looked down; I was wearing my favourite Scooby-Doo pyjamas.
My mum was in the kitchen, I thought nothing of it, why should I? I was three years old; mum was often in the kitchen doing what she was doing, preparing my dinner. My Dad was fixing something on the table; I don’t know what it was. He looked up at me, “Did I tell you that you could leave the naughty step?”
I shook my head. Something about what he said bought certain things back to me; that step, it had something to do with it all, it wasn’t me that was naughty; it was the step. I don’t know why, I don’t how, but I knew going back to that step was bad and so I realised that if I wasn’t naughty then Daddy would not send me there. “I won’t be naughty again Daddy,” I said with my face down and lip curled.
He looked at me, quiet for a while then he gave me a hug, “that would be good,” he whispered in my ear. I felt strange in my tummy, not sick, just happy; happy to see my mummy and daddy, but I saw them only a few minutes ago….didn’t I?
The Karate Squid
1.
Daniel Loligo was sad about the move; for he was a Loligo Vulgaris or a common European squid, The Mediterranean Sea was his home and now his mother had moved them right across the Atlantic Ocean where the common species of squid is the Illex illecebrosus, bunch of short fin suckers thought Daniel. They may be called Shortfin Squids but they are considerably larger than the European squid. Daniel himself was only 40 centimetres long and at age 18 months out of a maximum 3 year lifespan Daniel would grow no more than another two centimetres, the Illex’s grew to over 60cm despite having a shorter lifespan and so poor Daniel felt afraid of his new classmates.
Until he noticed a beautiful female and she gave him the eye, by that I mean she changed the position of her lens to meet his (human’s change the shape of their lens to focus on an object.) He walked over to her, she was wearing a cheerleader’s uniform and in all eight arms she held her water resistant pom-poms, “Hi,” said Daniel, hoping that she wasn’t a Semelparous organism like some species of squid (meaning they only bonk once in their entire life and normally right at the end of their lifespan, what a sad bunch of frigid organisms,) “What’s your name?”
“Ali Gills,” she shyly beamed back at him, “are you new around here?”
“Yeah my mum and I just moved from the Mediterranean,” replied Daniel.
Just then a large Illex shouted from the other end of the water polo park, “ALI!”
She jumped, “oh, I’ve got to go, sorry,” she spoke so softly and nervously, got up and whirled off to the young male squid. Daniel turned away but just as he did so he saw the male give an evil stare.
As he moved away the squid swam up to him, “Hey small prawn, what do you think you’re doing talking to my girl?”
“Johnny!” yelled the Ali, “please don’t hurt him!”
“Sorry mate, I didn’t kno…..” Daniel started but before he had time to finish what he said Johnny had raised his arms, and began to beat his fins. Suddenly he lunges forwards and wrestles Daniel to the ground in a Kung-Fu-come-squid type manner. Squid’s cannot throw a punch but they certainly know how to fight. Daniel suspected that Johnny had brushed over some eggs because he doubted that Ali’s reproductive glands were ready to produce a chemical known as Beta MSP yet. Female squids coat their eggs with this chemical produced from their sexual organs and if a bloke brushes past they become very hostile and a bit edgy. It just so happens that male squids tend to be attracted to the eggs, it’s the squid equivalent of a good night d
own the pub.
“You on the Beta MSP’s or what?” shouted Daniel, raising himself on six of his legs and raising another two in the air.
Johnny laughed and swam off, “leave the girl alone prawn!” Kicking him back down before he left. Poor Daniel could see starfish hovering around his head.
2.
Daniel was both hurt and embarrassed and reeled back to his rock where his mum was hanging some washing out on the line, she noticed his stress, he could clearly be seen whereas normally his chromatophores (pigment and light reflecting organelles) enable Daniel to change colour to suit his surroundings. “What is wrong?” she asked.
“I hate it here! That is what, I hate it here, why did we have to move from the Mediterranean?” he bawled as he swam under the rock and hid his shame.
“The fishermen were hunting us so much, we were virtually becoming extinct,” explained his mum. This wasn’t true; the European Squids are in ample supply. However the people of the Mediterranean had a taste for squid so the chances of them landing on a plate somewhere in Andalucía were very likely.
“That’s a chance I’m willing to take!” yelled Daniel and stormed off.
Suddenly his mother noticed an old Japanese Flying squid standing quietly in the doorway; he had many ringed markings around the back of his head which told them he was old. He was very small and lightweight, “Hi,” said Daniel’s mum.
He spoke with a quiet Oriental accent, “I am the janitor; my name is Mr Todarodes I have come to fix the air flow system in your rock.”
“Oh yes, err do come in, we’ve been having a lot of bubbles coming through,” she noted that he was watching the bad behaviour of her son and sighed, “Don’t worry about him, he’s 18 months old, you know, typical teenagers,” she sighed.
He came in, he looked upset, she guessed he was too low in the ocean, the Todarodes Pacificus, or Japanese Flying Squid favoured the upper layers of the water and although favoured more cooler waters than the surface of the Pacific here it must have seemed freezing for him. Daniel finally came out from under the sand he buried his face into but was still angry with his mum, noting Mr Todarodes he held off arguing with her and swam off, she called after him, “Daniel!” but it was no use.
The next day he spotted Ali Gill again and she came over to apologise, “that’s ok, yeah I’m alright,” he told her.
“Johnny is not my boyfriend anymore, I mean he was, but I left him…..” she quirked up. Daniel seemed happy with this but when Johnny noticed them talking he came over. Some squid-like karate moves put Daniel down to the sand again; Johnny shouted down to him, “if I find you talking to my girl again I’ll make calamari out of you!” Little did any of them realise but the janitor Mr Todarodes was hiding behind some seaweed, watching them through the school fence.
Daniel decided he needed to learn karate, so he went to visit a school of martial arts, he swam in through the door and looked around, lots of young squids were chanting “We are the Illex illecebrosus; toughest Ommastrephidae in the Atlantic, no retreat no surrender!” while doing punches in unison. Daniel was unsure about joining but when one young squid turned and looked at him with an evil smile he left quickly, it was Johnny and his whole gang were there. Daniel knew he could not join there and so he swam home depressed.
Johnny and his gang followed him and cornered him off just near his home and they addressed him, “Oi, prawn, what do you think you’re doing, think you can do karate do you?” quipped Johnny causing his gang to laugh.
Daniel told them to go away but they began to take turns bullying him, kicking him and wrestling him to the sandy seabed. Daniel knew he was in a bad way, they would finish him off when suddenly Mr Todarodes appeared, “Stop!” he ordered and they all looked at the frail old flying squid and laughed, “Or what?” one asked. Mr Todarodes flew over to the little illecebrosus, taking him out with a single tentacle, wrapping his tentacle around him he used him to propel himself over to the others, in seconds each of his arms had panelled the other gang members, smashing them to the seabed. Shocked and afraid they all got up and swam for their lives.
Mr Todarodes held out one of his eight arms and helped Daniel up, “thanks Mr Todarodes,” said Daniel, just as shocked as the others but pleased to see him.
“That is fine Daniel-son, are you okay?” he replied, as he said this he waved his tentacle over Daniel’s hurt arm and the pain magically went away.
“Yeah I think so, thanks but I could have taken them if you hadn’t come along,” he uselessly pointed out to which Mr Todarodes grinned at and began to walk back to his shell. “Hey, don’t laugh,” Said Daniel and swam after him, thinking about it he continued, “Oh, ok, probably not. Say, how did you do that, I mean, wow, like that was amazing…hey, could you teach me karate?”
“No,” said Mr Todarodes and went into his shell.
“Please,” pleaded Daniel and repeated it, as annoying teenagers have a tendency to do, until he had no choice but to agree. “Be here tomorrow and we will see,” said Mr Todarodes. Jumping for joy Daniel thanked him and whisked away home, he was the happiest cephalopod this side of the North Atlantic Drift.
3.
Mr Todarodes lived in an upturned conch at the end of the apartment block of stones, Daniel swam up to the shell and looked about but he could not see him. He was anxious to get training, hoping by the end of the day he would be pulling off deadly karate chops and round houses. “Mr Todarodes!” he called to no effect and so he repeated himself more than once.
He looked inside the shell, Mr Todarodes hushed him; he was sitting on the sand holding a pair of chopsticks in the air with one hand, some minnows swam about him and he was trying to catch one in the chopsticks, he missed and growled. The concentration on his face told Daniel to be quiet as he tried again to catch one but failed. “Blast it!” he said, giving up.
“Have you ever caught one before?” asked an intrigued Daniel.
“Yes Daniel-son……” He replied to which Daniel looked impressed until he continued, “…but only with a net.”
“I’ve come for the training, you know, the training Mr Todarodes?”
“Yes,” he simply said and swam over to the corner where his car was parked. I say car but it was more like a submarine convertible covered in barnacles and whelks. “You; clean this car,” he said.
Daniel looked upset, “what?”
“Clean the whelks off the car,” he ordered. Whelks is the common name applied to various kinds of sea-snail, many sea molluscs species are merely mistaken for whelks, the true whelk is known as a Buccinidae. However the whelks surrounding Mr Todarode’s car was the variety Nucella lapillus, more commonly known as the Dog Whelk or Atlantic Dogwinkle, although Mr Todarodes often described them as “blasted dogs!” These whelks had a modified toothed chitinous structure called a radula which acts like a drill to bore holes in the shells of barnacles and suck out their pulp insides, faster than a kid with an ice-pop. Seeing as the car was made out of barnacles Mr Todarodes considered the things a pest and threat to the very surface of his vehicle. Daniel looked upset but never-the-less got to work by trying to pull the whelks off the barnacles but did not get very far.
“NO!” shouted Mr Todarodes, sweeping a tentacle over the car, “like this; whelk on, whelk off….see?”
“Ok Mr Todarodes, whelk on, whelk off,” he said and went about using the method shown to get all the whelks off his car. When he had finished Mr Todarodes did not even thank him and Daniel went back home in what can only be described as, a teenage strop.
The next day he came back, hoping this time he would be shown some karate moves, however Mr Todarodes only directed him to the fence surrounding the conch, it was old and beginning to get tatty. “This fence needs to be varnished,” instructed Mr Todarodes. Daniel sighed and picked up a paintbrush. “No!” yelled Mr Todarodes and held his own belly towards the fence, not from the front mind, oh no, you are thinking of humans again, no, Mr Todarodes holds his belly from the back and ope
ns up his anus. “Ewe, easy mate!” suggests Daniel.
“Like this!” says Mr Todarodes and Daniel can hardly watch as he sprays his ink-sac from his hind gut, almost pure melanin it can be squirted with its proximity as accurate as Leonardo Da Vinci with a paint brush. Daniel takes a quick peek hoping his master is not displaying his anus any longer and sees that he is not; he is pointing at the fence with his fourth arm, “Now,” he orders, “ink the fence!”
Daniel half-heartedly does his chore, he inks the fence from top to bottom then he goes home. The next day though Daniel is sure that he has done enough chores to begin his training but Mr Todarodes orders him to “Ink the fence!”
“But I have done that!” yelled Daniel.
Mr Todarodes points to the other side of the fence, “not this side Daniel-son,” he informs.
Poor Daniel sees red and shouts at the top of his voice, “Are you having a laugh mate, I’ve cleaned the whelks off your car, I’ve inked your fence, I was supposed to be learning karate Mr Todarodes but you have just been using me as your skivvy, this isn’t bob-a-fucking-job week y’know!” And with that he goes to storm off.
Mr Todarodes yells him back in the sternest of voices yet, “Daniel-Son, come back!”
“What?” asked Daniel, turning to face him.
“Whelk on, whelk off,” he said, and Daniel sighed, swimming over to the car.
“Not there, here!” he said, pointing to where they were standing, Daniel sighed again and did the action like he was pretending to take the whelk off.
“HEY-YA!” shouted Mr Todarodes, kicking an arm at him. Daniel was amazed; he had blocked it with his move.
Tales of Worrow Volume I Page 7
