There was another knock at the door, but the jumble of emotions warring for control in me didn’t really give a shit.
“What happened?” Josh asked the moment he walked through the door.
Caleb handed Josh the letter. “Asshole’s gone and lost his mind.”
Josh read through it, wincing. “What is he doing?” he asked the room, handing the letter to Lauren, who’d walked in behind him.
Watching the note pass from hand to hand made me cringe. Here was Andrew’s abandonment, on display for all to see.
“Okay, okay. We’ve determined that Andrew has lost his mind, but we need to figure out a way to help Em fix it,” Angie said.
“I already tried calling him, but his phone is off,” Nick said.
Josh ran his hands through his hair. “This is just part of him grieving. Maybe he’ll come back on his own?”
“I don’t think so,” Caleb said. “It sounds like he thinks this is the only way.”
Angie sat on the couch and began to fidget. “Why would he listen to his dad when he’s been drinking every day?”
I stopped. “It’s my fault.”
Angie’s head snapped up. “No it isn’t.”
Caleb rubbed his hand over his face. “No. I’m the one who told you to have him talk to his dad.”
“Unfortunately, it is my fault.” I sighed. “I’m the one who convinced him that talking to his dad was a good idea. Even if you suggested it, I still made the decision.”
“That doesn’t mean he had to listen,” Angie argued, her experience with drunk fathers shining through.
“I don’t mean to play devil’s advocate here, but why wouldn’t he listen to his dad,” Lauren said.
Angie’s head snapped around. “Because, apparently, all of the shit coming out of his dad’s mouth is ridiculous.”
Caleb went over and wrapped his arms around Angie. “Love, this isn’t your dad we’re talking about.”
She jerked out of his grasp. “You think I don’t know that? Doesn’t make it any less stupid.”
Their brewing fight helped me to forget some of my own pain for a minute, especially with Nick and Josh looking like they wanted to run screaming in the other direction, just to avoid the fall out. Even though none of this was funny, I couldn’t help but start to laugh. How had my life turn to such shit in just a matter of a few weeks? At graduation, things had seemed so promising. We were done with school, we’d secured jobs, and were getting married in less than a year. Now, here I was, left alone while my friends stood around arguing.
When I looked up everyone was staring at me. Josh came over, his forehead wrinkling.
“Em, are you okay?” He held out his hands, like he was waiting for me to fall.
With an effort, I reined in the giggles. “No, but I’m not going crazy either. My life is a mess right now and I need to find a way to fix it.”
Everyone started talking at once about different ideas. “Stop!” I yelled. “One at a time.”
Nick looked over at me. “I think you just need to talk to him.”
Lauren came over and took my hand, leading me to couch. “Nick’s right. He obviously couldn’t tell you in person so there is a part of him that knows this is a bad idea. If he sees you, he might realize that.”
“How am I supposed to go and talk to him when I don’t even know where he went?”
“My guess is that he went right to his dad’s house from here. Where else would he go?” Josh said. Caleb and Angie were still locked in a tense conversation in the corner.
There was nowhere else he would go, except maybe to his sister’s, but she lived on campus and that just didn’t seem likely. “You’re right. He’s probably there.”
Angie and Caleb finally stepped away from the corner, a slight scowl, marring Angie’s face when she looked in Caleb’s direction. “You should call him first. Even if his phone’s off, leave him a message. Maybe he’ll come back tonight if he hears your voice. It’s worth a shot, before you drive over there.”
“Maybe.”
What kind of message could I possibly leave him? Oh, hey, I know you don’t want to see me, but can you come back so we can get married? I doubted that would go over well.
“You have to try.” Angie’s eyes filled. Caleb came up from behind her and placed his hands over her shoulders to try and offer her some comfort.
“She’s not going to give up without a fight,” he whispered to her.
“No I’m not, but I think I need some time alone to figure out what to do. Andrew doesn’t make decisions lightly, and I need to remember that if I’m going to bring him back to me.”
Everyone took that as their cue to leave. It wasn’t that I was trying to be rude, but I knew Andrew better than anyone, almost as well as I knew myself. To figure this out I needed time.
Angie stepped in front of me. “You know we’re here if you need us, right?”
“I know. And thank you for coming over to try and help.” Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled her into a hug.
Josh and Lauren waved on their way out the door. They were soon followed by Caleb and Angie. The apartment seemed so quiet now that everyone was gone. Everyone except Nick and me. Walking over, I dropped down onto the seat next to him.
“Do you want some time alone?” he asked.
I looked up into his eyes. “Yes . . . no. Everyone else was starting to make me crazy. But maybe you can help me figure out what to say if I call him.”
“Just tell him how you feel. That’s the most you can do and, honestly, it’s what he needs to hear.”
“Okay. Let me do this now, before I get pissed again and freak-out instead.”
Pulling my phone out, I took a deep breath before dialing Andrew’s number. When it started to ring I reached over and took a hold of Nick’s hand, needing his strength and comfort. Just like Nick had said earlier, the call went almost immediately to voicemail. Hearing his voice as the message played caused my hands to shake.
“Hi, honey. I wish I could say something sweet and fun, but right now my heart is broken. You didn’t need to leave. Couples are supposed to be there for each other, no matter what. We can work through this together if you would just come home. I love you and I miss you.”
Hanging up the phone, I took a deep breath. “We’ll see if that works.”
Nick squeezed my hand. Once again we let the silence fill the apartment, at least, until Nick’s stomach started growling. He looked at me apologetically. “Are you hungry?”
Was I hungry? No. My stomach had been a rolling mess since walking into my bedroom earlier. “Not right now.”
He gave me a sad smile. “All right. I’m gonna get a pizza. If you change your mind there should be some left. I’ll leave it in the fridge for you.”
I nodded as he got up and left the room. A little while later Nick came back with the food and convinced me to eat one slice, but it sat like a brick in my stomach.
All I could do throughout the rest of the night was to check my phone, turning up the volume and never letting it out of my sight for a moment, afraid I would miss it if he called.
The next day wasn’t much better. I trudged through work, thankful it was nearly the weekend. Once again my cell phone wasn’t more than a foot away from me at any time.
Waiting.
Just waiting.
By the next morning I was determined that I needed to talk to Andrew face-to-face. I wasn’t going to let him get rid of me without a fight. If I went to his dad’s place he could choose to not answer the door and I couldn’t risk that, so I convinced Nick to send him a text saying that he’d left some of his stuff in the apartment and to come get it, promising I wouldn’t be home. The plan was to display all kinds of pictures and other memories from our time together. Nick would then convince him to meet me where we’d gotten engaged. Then I would be waiting for him at the park where he proposed, if and when he was ready to talk to me.
I left the apartment an hour earlier than necessary
, my nerves getting the better of me. There in the middle of the park, swaying slightly in the cool breeze was the swing set.
Our swing set.
All of the memories of that day came rushing back to me. In an effort to calm myself I sat on the swing, kicking my feet back and forth, letting the air skim my face. The waiting was going to kill me. As the sky grew darker, the time for Andrew to arrive at the apartment drew closer. I’d taken the whole day to put out everything I could think of to remind him of the love we shared and why he shouldn’t give up so easily. The minute my phone rang, I pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. One peek and my heart dropped into my stomach.
He wasn’t coming.
Sliding my finger across the screen, I lifted the phone to my ear, but said nothing.
“Em?” Nick’s voice came over the line. “Em, I know you can hear me. I can hear you breathing.”
“He’s not coming.” The dejection in my voice was nothing compared to the pain in my chest.
“No. I didn’t even get a chance to get a word in. The minute he saw all the things you put out, he turned around and walked out the door.”
I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see it. “Not your fault. You tried. I’ll be home later.”
“Do you want me to come get you? Are you okay driving?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be home later.” I ended the call before Nick had a chance to respond. With the silence surrounding me, I just wanted to be alone.
It was beyond me how he could just walk out with no reaction. I’d put out the basket we used on our picnic the day he asked me to marry him, enough pictures to fill a museum, and souvenirs from every trip we’d ever been on together. None of it made sense. It was like he was fighting his own choice—running when he didn’t want to face the reality of it all.
Well, it was my reality too.
That was it. It was time to go see him. I’d just have to run the risk that he wouldn’t open the door. Maybe the same emotions that had made him run tonight would also make it harder for him to walk away in person. The park held a bit of comfort. There was no reason to go back yet.
My hands were trembling, my throat sore as I tried to keep myself from crying. The whole situation sucked, but that didn’t mean I wanted anyone to see me upset. The first night was enough. It was my job to be everyone else’s rock. To fight for my friends when they needed it. They shouldn’t have to fight for me. It was also what gave me the strength to keep fighting for the love Andrew and I shared. There had to be a way to save it.
Eventually, I went home. Nick and Morgan were sitting in the living room watching the door, waiting for me, their relief visible on their faces. It was almost as if they’d expected me to do something rash. At least they were nice enough to clean up all of the pictures and such. I wasn’t sure I could have done it. Not feeling like I did. It was hard enough getting them out the first time, and that was while I still had the hope that he’d go to the park to cling to.
“Are you okay?” Nick asked before I even had the chance to put my stuff down.
“I needed some time alone to think.”
Morgan clasped her hands together in her lap. “What are you going to do?”
“Ah, Morgan, you know me so well. I’m going to his dad’s house tomorrow. I figure it’ll be a lot harder to ignore me in person.” My teeth sunk into my lower lip. This had to be the right thing to do. There was no other way—or at least, that’s what I was trying to convince myself.
“I want to see you both happy, but are you sure he’ll see you?” Nick asked.
The back of my eyes started to burn. “To be honest, I have no idea. I just have to try. I can’t let him go without a fight.” To hide my eyes and the fear they held, I looked down. “I’m going to head to bed.”
“Okay.” Nick knew me well enough not to push.
It wasn’t like I was going to get any sleep. The fear of what would happen tomorrow would keep me awake most of the night. It was the need to be alone that sent me to my room. The thought of Andrew not wanting to see me was a little more than I wanted to focus on, but in my room I could hide my tears.
After a night of tossing and turning, I got up with the rising sun. My stomach was a quivering mess that hadn’t allowed me to sleep at all, but I knew there was no point trying to stay in bed.
Throwing off the covers, I went into the bathroom to get a shower. When I took a good look in the mirror, I saw the toll the last few days had taken on me. There were dark circles under eyes so bloodshot they were almost entirely red. My first thought was that I could cover it with makeup and a little Visine. Then a thought occurred to me. Why would I hide that from him? Andrew’s instinct was always to protect me, to keep me from hurting anytime he could. Maybe he needed to see the evidence of his desertion. Many people would say that all of this was insane. If he left, he obviously doesn’t want to be with you. Leave him alone. The problem was that I knew Andrew still loved me. None of this had anything to do with me. This was all about his fears. Nothing more, nothing less.
Between showering and getting dressed I was ready to go in about half an hour. While a small part of me wanted to wait until later when they were sure to be up, the rest of me knew better. If I couldn’t sleep, what would make me think that he could either? Plus there was at least an hour’s drive to get there. Trying not to think about what was going to happen when I arrived, I climbed into my car and started my journey.
The drive passed in a blur, my heart ready to pound out of my chest when I pulled into the drive and stepped out of the car. With every step I took up the steps, I felt like my legs were weighted down. When I reached the door, I took a deep, calming breath, raised my hand and knocked. The sound of footsteps reached me and the door was flung open. And there was the one person I’d missed with my whole heart over the last week. With his gorgeous blond hair and blue eyes, just the sight of him gave me a bit of peace. He was my whole world.
His head jerked back and his eyes opened wide. “Em?”
“Hi.” I took a step forward and he took one back, his eyes taking on a dull look at the same time he turned away from me and shut the door in my face.
Pounding on the door, I begged. “Andrew, please listen to me. You don’t have to be afraid. We can do this together.” I tried to catch my breath. “Please don’t shut me out.” The pleading and begging continued for at least a half an hour—maybe more, since I lost track of time. Slowly, my body slid down the door to my knees.
“Andrew, I love you,” I sobbed.
The silence continued. Using what energy I had left, I picked myself up off the ground and made my way back to my car.
The drive home was made in a blur of tears, my breaths coming in pants. I wasn’t really sure how I made it home, much less into the apartment. Thankfully, Nick wasn’t home because there wasn’t a person in the world I wanted to see . . . except the one who didn’t want to see me.
By the time I made it to the bedroom, my body was numb. Everything seemed hopeless. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, for who knew how long. It wasn’t until there was a knock at my door that I got up.
On the other side was Nick, an envelope in his hand. He wore a pained expression as he handed it to me without a word. With shaking hands I took it and pulled out the note inside.
Please, Emily, leave this alone. I’ve changed my number. Please don’t try and get it, Please don’t call. While this choice may hurt right now it is best for both of us. I’ve included the tickets to the cruise we were given for Christmas. Please take someone with you. I don’t want them. They are part of the memories I’m trying to erase.
Andrew
That was it. The end of everything I’d ever dreamed of. Dropping to my knees I let the sobs overtake me as for the first time in my life, I gave up the will to fight.
7 Months Later . . .
Emily
TIME PASSED IN BITS and pieces. In the beginning I spent a lot of time locked in my room, mostly trying to keep the tears at bay
, which usually wasn’t very successful. Nick, Angie—you name any one of my friends—they all showed up, trying to convince me to come out and talk. What they didn’t understand was that I was broken. There was no more fight left in me.
After the first month the pain in my chest was still there, but at least I left my room. Not that I hung out with any of my friends, except Nick, but it was a start.
Nick and I slowly grew closer. Not it a fall-in-love kind of way, more of a sibling relationship. In those first few weeks he made sure I ate and got up for work, he kept me company when I would have sat in my room alone. One night, when I was able to shake off my misery for a moment, I realized how much of his own social life he was giving up for me . . .
“You know, you don’t have to stay with me every night,” I said.
He looked over from where he sat. “I know, but this where I want to be.”
“I feel bad that you’re always here with me.”
“Don’t. It’s my choice to make.”
We went back to silently watching TV for a few minutes. There was something I had to talk about with Nick and that moment seemed like the perfect time.
“Nick?”
“What’s up?”
“I was thinking, since Andrew’s gone, maybe it’s time I moved out and got my own place. That way, you aren’t stuck with me anymore.”
His head snapped up. Getting off the couch, he came over and crouched down in front of me.
“Em, I know it still hurts that Andrew’s gone, it bothers me too, but it doesn’t matter. This is your home and it will be until you decide you want to go. Don’t you dare pack up and leave because of me.”
“But—”
“No arguments.”
From that moment, Nick had become my rock. That night I agreed to stay and he promised that he was going to go out more—there were times he tried to convince me to leave the apartment, but I managed to let him down gently. Each time his disappointment was clear, but I just couldn’t do it. At least he was spending more time with Morgan.
Many of my days passed in the same manner. Home to work, work to home. The mess in the apartment didn’t even bother me anymore. One night I came home to gym clothes all over the living room and Nick ran around cleaning them up, apologizing for the mess, but I shrugged and walked to my room. The reality of it was that shit just didn’t matter. Not much did.
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