A memory of my mom wearin' an apron fills my mind. Her big smile lights up the room as she pats me on the head and says about the cookies almost bein' ready.
The memory takes my breath away. I don't have very many of my mom, and I cherish each and every one I have. At the same time, I desperately try to block them out because it hurts too much to think about her.
"What the hell am I doin'?" I ask myself out loud. I quickly drop the apron back onto the chair and storm out of the house. I gotta stop doin' this shit with Penny. I gotta stop rememberin' shit before it opens up the floodgates and I won't be able to stop it. The bottom line is if I remember Penny, then I might start to remember everything. And I've lost so much that it might kill me all over again.
* * * * *
PENNY
I SOLD SEVEN cakes and four pies within the first hour of having them displayed. I guess Buddy was right --- people love homemade baked goods. And since there isn't a bakery within a twenty-mile radius, we're making out like bandits.
I head back to Colton's house to finish up the rest of my baking. The house is empty…except for Mack, of course. As Mack lies at my feet, I go about fulfilling my baking duties, humming and singing to myself. I really need to bring my iPod up here when I do this, but I don't think Colton would appreciate me singing when he's here.
I'm singing Adele's Hello and totally belting out the chorus when I look up to see Colton leaning against the wall staring at me. My steps falter and my voice cracks, and I almost drop the cake I just spent the last twenty minutes icing.
He cocks his brow and smirks. "Hello," he says, mocking my song of choice.
"How are you?" I spit out another lyric with attitude.
"I don't know any other words," he confesses with a grin.
I carefully set the cake down and blow strands of hair from my eyes. "I'm just finishing up here," I tell him, meeting his gaze. He certainly seems to be in a better mood than he was earlier. Maybe he's not a morning person, I think to myself. Colton always did hate waking up for school. I guess some things never change.
"No hurry," he says. "The bar isn't busy. Although there are a lot of people askin' about where they can buy more of Penny's pies."
"Word travels fast in small towns."
"You have no idea," he says with more meaning than I think he intended.
The timer on the oven dings, and I'm quick to pull out my last apple pie. The lattice crust came out perfect, and I smile at myself thinking about how Colton's mom would be proud. We spent many afternoons together perfecting my techniques. And pastry school came naturally to me because of her. I just wish she were still alive so I could thank her for teaching me how to do something I love.
"Where did you learn to bake like this?" Colton asks, as if reading my mind.
"Your mom," I say softly, beaming down at the line of baked goods on the counter. "I was just thinking about how proud she would have been of me right at this moment. It took me forever to get the lattice crust just right." I wipe my hands on my apron before untying it and draping it over a chair. "She had the most amazing recipes, and I loved learning how to make all of them." I look up at Colton, and he looks pensive. "I hope you don't mind that I'm using her recipes."
He shakes his head, but doesn't utter a word.
"Good," I say softly. It's nice to be able to honor his mother in some small way. "I spent a lot of time in this house when we were kids. I practically lived here. Your dad used to call me the daughter they never had. And I think your mom liked having another girl to try to even out the odds with all the men in the house." I smile as I pull a knife out of the drawer and cut a slice of apple pie. "She always made a deal with you and me. If we picked the apples, she would make a pie just for us. We would spend all day picking apples from the trees in the backyard. All that work for just one pie, but, wow, it was the best apple pie you could ever eat. It was so worth it."
I plate the piece of pie and grab a fork before walking over to Colton. He looks apprehensive as I spear off a piece of pie with the fork and raise it to his mouth. His lips slowly open, and our eyes stay glued to each other as he closes his mouth and begins to chew. I watch his mouth moving, and I'm instantly mesmerized. The day-old stubble lining his defined jaw makes my knees weak.
An expression comes over him that I can't quite decipher as he swallows. Then he says, "It tastes just like the pies she used to bake."
A smile creeps over my lips. I'm glad I'm causing him to remember some of the more important things, especially about his mother. She was one of my favorite people. Cervical cancer took her from this world far too early. And I know for a fact that if she were still alive, she wouldn't have let Colton forget about me. She often called me her future daughter-in-law, always hoping that Colt and I would get married and have her grandkids. It's sad that she'll never get to see us be happy…if we ever even reach that point.
"What's wrong?" Colton asks, and I realize I'm on the verge of tears from thinking about his mom.
"Nothing. Just thinking about your mom and how great she was." I hand him the plate and fork before moving back over to the counter to begin boxing up pies and cakes. "That apple pie is yours. I'll leave it here for you."
"The whole pie? Penny, you don't have to do that," he says around a big mouthful of pie.
I chuckle as I see the piece on his plate is almost gone. "I want to," I say with a wink.
I have a hidden agenda, and it's not just about making him fat on my cakes and pies. Any way I can get him to remember anything is another triumph for me. I'm just hoping someday I can find the key to unlocking everything. But until then, I'm just going to bide my time, patiently waiting for the perfect moment.
"Well, I'm going to take these to the bar before Buddy has a conniption. I promise to be back to clean up your kitchen," I tell him, remembering how mad he was this morning when he saw the mess I'd made.
But Colton surprises me when he shakes his head and says, "I'll clean it up. You baked. I'll clean."
I smile at him. They always say you get more bees with honey. I guess it's true since Colt is being nice to me for once.
"See you later tonight?" he asks.
"Yep. See you then."
I have to force Mack to stay behind once again. I love spending time with him. He was like my dog too growing up since I spent so much time at the Crawford's place. I was there the day they got him, and I'm the one who named him. I wonder if Colton even knows that. Probably not, I think to myself.
Buddy opens the door when he sees me coming, and his eyes grow wide when he sees how many pies and cakes I baked for the bar. "Wow. You were a busy bee today," he comments. He takes the box and sets it down on the counter. Then he looks at me, cocking his head to the side. "What's that smile for?" he asks me.
I didn't even notice I had a goofy grin on my face and that I've been grinning the whole way from Colton's house. I shrug at Buddy. "Just happy, I guess," I tell him. I'm pleased as punch that Colton and I made a little bit of progress today. And a little progress is better than nothing at all.
* * * * *
COLTON
I WATCH AS Mack whines and paws at the door after Penny leaves. I'm still tryin' to get over the fact that Penny was here a lot when she was a kid. My parents thought of her like a daughter? There is way more to this story than Penny is lettin' on. She was a big part of my life, bigger than I could have ever imagined. She's definitely downplayin' the whole we used to be friends thing. And if I had to put money on it, I would say we loved each other at some point.
Rubbin' the back of my head with my hand, I stare at Mack and call him a traitor once again. I feel miserable that a dog can remember Penny after five years, but I can't. Life really isn't fair. I definitely learned that the hard way.
I get to work on cleanin' up the kitchen. I cram the dishwasher to the brim and run it, and then I set out to hand wash the rest. Alone with my thoughts can be a dangerous thing, and I feel myself daydreamin' about how things have changed
since Penny came into my life --- or back into my life, I guess I should say.
My feelings for Ruby Sue are different somehow. I still think she's pretty and smart and fun, but she just can't compare to how I feel when I'm around Penny. None of it makes sense considerin' I haven't known Penny for very long and I've known Ruby Sue for three years. I don't know why I feel this closeness with Penny when I didn't even know who she was a week ago or that she even existed.
I finish up the dishes and stare at the apple pie that Penny made for me. The instant the crust had hit my tongue I had remembered the taste. I could almost feel my mom's presence here, and it made me happy, but broke my heart at the same time. I should want to remember things like that, but it kills me every damn time. When you have lost everything you care about in this world, it's hard to want to relive moments that are now only memories. Because my family is just that now --- only memories. It's a constant reminder that they're not here in the physical world, and that destroys me more than anyone will ever understand.
I lost my mother to cancer eight years ago, and my dad died just a little over a year ago from a heart attack. He fell into a deep depression after mom died that he never recovered from. He was under a lot of stress from tryin' to raise two young boys and run a business on his own, and Connor dyin' was just the icin' on the cake. His heart attack was sudden, and it took me by surprise. He was the only one I had left to rely on, but suddenly he was gone too. Now my entire family is dead, and I'm responsible for Connor's death. I couldn't save him. That night replays in my mind constantly and plagues my nightmares. I couldn't save any of them, whether it was my fault or not, and now they're all gone.
Sometimes I feel like just givin' up, but I haven't fully given up…yet. I'm still goin' strong, but it's my past that's weighin' me down. That's why I don't want to remember anything or anyone. I've lost it all. I've lost everyone. Why would I even want to remember?
The closer Penny gets, the more I want to push her away for this exact reason. And that's what I do best --- push people away. I don't want to love her…or even like her, for that matter. People that get close to me die.
It's like I'm fuckin' cursed.
I take the apple pie and throw it in the trash --- plate, fork and all. I decide it's best to keep my distance from Penny, keep shuttin' her out. I can't let her try to heal me, because I'm beyond healin' at this point. I'm irrevocably broken, and nobody is gonna put me back together again.
CHAPTER 6
PENNY
COLTON'S BIRTHDAY IS coming up in a few weeks, and I want to do something special for him. I spend all day in the city, shopping for just the right gift, but I come up empty-handed. I'm saddened by the fact that I don't know him as well as I used to. I don't even know what he likes anymore. Stopping at a craft store for some more baking supplies, I come across the scrapbook section. My eyes dart around the different books. And before I know, I've collected a scrapbook and all the fixings for the perfect gift. I have tons of photos and boxes of things I have kept over the years that pertain to Colt and my relationship.
I'm feeling giddy as I check out at the register. I can't wait to get home and get started. It will take a while to get the scrapbook put together, because I want it to be absolutely perfect. It will be a great way for Colton to remember me and remember how we used to be. Maybe it will even bring back some of his memories of me.
I'm in a happy fog as I return home and get ready for my shift at the bar. Buddy comes up to me about an hour into work and asks, "Remember how I told you Shelby Rae is fixin' to move back to Willowbrook?"
I nod in response.
"Well, just so happens that she's comin' in a few weeks. Her mama told me she needs help with movin' expenses and whatnot. So I thought maybe we could do some sort of fundraiser to help her out."
I instantly perk up. "That sounds like a great idea, Buddy!"
"I was thinkin' I could rent some of the equipment that they use for the summer carnival. A bouncy castle for the kids, a dunk tank, a merry-go-round." He pauses and smiles at me. "And maybe we could do a bake sale?"
I smile back at him. "I'll start slaving away."
Buddy brushes my chin playfully with his knuckles. "That's my girl."
My smile slowly fades as I think about how much time I'll have to spend at Colton's place. I worry my bottom lip between my teeth. "I just hope Colton doesn't mind me being in his kitchen more than usual."
Buddy grins. "I don't think he'll mind at all."
"What won't I mind?" Colton asks, suddenly appearing from the back room.
"I was just tellin' Penny about the fundraiser idea for Shelby Rae." He hesitates before he says, "Penny could bake more than usual this week for a big bake sale. We could sell her pies for ten bucks a pop. I know people would pay it."
Colton nods and says, "That sounds good." He's clearly not understanding Buddy's meaning behind the whole thing.
"She'll need to spend more time at your place," Buddy explains. "More bakin'. More time in your kitchen."
Colton seems to tense at his words. His eyes glance over at me, but then quickly return to Buddy. "Oh, uh, if that's what she needs, I'm not gonna stop her."
Giving him a small smile, I tell him, "Thanks, Colt." Things have been strained between us, to say the least, but I'm hoping we can continue down the same path that we had forged yesterday afternoon. Maybe spending more time together is just what we need.
* * * * *
COLTON
OVER THE NEXT couple of weeks, I have a hard time keepin' what I consider my two worlds from colliding. Light and dark. Penny is my light, while Ruby Sue is my dark. Penny opens up possibilities of rememberin' my past and hopin' for a better future --- she's the light at the end of my tunnel. Whereas, Ruby Sue keeps me just where I want to be --- in the dark, not rememberin' a single thing or dwellin' on my forgotten past.
Penny continues bakin' in my kitchen every morning, and I keep on tryin' to ignore her. My efforts are not provin' to be very successful, however. Penny is cute as a button with a heart of gold, and she's almost impossible to resist. I can totally see why I could have fallen for her before. Even though I keep pushin' her away, she keeps reelin' me in, makin' me mad as hell but also happy at the same time. I've never had so many mixed emotions with regards to one person before.
Ruby Sue keeps showin' up at my place on a regular basis, and I keep resistin' her efforts to get me into bed. Hell, I have taken her out on more dates than I have the whole three years of our relationship. We've gone to the movies, out to eat and on hikin' excursions --- anything and everything to keep her out of my bedroom. I have a hard time even kissin' her, and it's gettin' harder and harder to ignore exactly what's goin' on here between Penny and me.
I'm developin' feelings for Penny Preston.
It kind of hit me all at once even though I've resisted it every step of the fuckin' way. I don't want to love her. Hell, I don't even want to like her. But she has this magnetic pull on me that knows just how to tug on the right heartstrings to make me fall more and more for her.
But the bullheadedness in me keeps tryin' to push her away. It doesn't make matters any better when Buddy is all for our buddin' friendship. He now and then drops hints about the way Penny and I were with each other, and I have a feelin' we were very much in love. But Penny never talks about how we were. She completely skips over that topic, focusin' more on our friendship and my family. I think deep down she's afraid to push me too far, and she's smart to think that way. I have a bad feelin' that one of these days she'll push me too far, and I'll push right back. I have a lot of buttons that can be pressed. And if you press the right one, I'll have a complete mental shutdown. I just hope that Penny never pushes that button, but she has no idea what my triggers are. How could she? I won't let her in to know me and to know what affects me.
I find myself watchin' her while she works at the bar. Every guy that talks to her is a potential threat. I don't know why the hell I'm so possessive over her, but
I am. And I know it's more than just her bein' my employee. No. It's somethin' else entirely. I want her to be mine, but I don't even know why I feel that way.
My tough exterior is startin' to slip, though, and it's all because of Penny. She's just so damn sweet. She's…irresistible. And trust me, I've been tryin' to resist. I've taken so many damn cold showers over the past couple of weeks, I'm surprised my cock hasn't frozen up and fallen off.
And now with the fundraiser for Shelby Rae comin' up, Penny has been in my kitchen more than I have. She comes at the ass crack of dawn, and I wake up to her singin' to the top country tunes on the radio in the kitchen. I took the radio that I used in my shed to work out with and put it in the kitchen a few days ago. She loves music, and even though I miss my radio when I'm workin' out, it was worth it to make her happy. And for some reason, makin' her happy makes me happy.
It's the day of the fundraiser, and she's singin' Dibs by Kelsea Ballerini. The song is upbeat, and she's dancin' around the kitchen like no one's watchin'…except I'm watchin'. She sings like a fuckin' angel, and I curse the heavens above. She's smart, funny, pretty, sassy, and she can sing and dance. I just need her to have, like, one huge flaw that makes me dislike her just a tiny bit. But she doesn't have any flaws that I can find…and believe me when I say I've searched high and low for one. She's fuckin' perfect.
Penny takes a whisk in her hand and sings into it like a microphone, and I can't help but chuckle. She stops singin' immediately and whirls around. Her face flushes bright pink with embarrassment.
"Colt!" She says my name breathlessly, and I suddenly want to hear her moanin' it while she's under me.
Remember Me Always: A Contemporary Romance Page 7
