Then, totally satisfied at last, he fell asleep, one arm still encircling her thigh. But Tamsin sat and watched him, his long lashes curling in his cheeks, his face innocent and almost childlike in slumber, till at last the long night was ended and the rose of dawn touched the sky.
Chapter 10
The next two days passed like a dream. They walked around the island, watching bees foraging for nectar among the broom and heather that clothed the slopes, and deer starting up almost under their feet; they swam in the cove; Jed took her fishing in the outer bay in his boat; and they made love constantly, limbs entwined till their bodies seemed inseparable and Tamsin thought she would dissolve, consumed by the all encompassing passion that played between them. And they talked and talked, sharing experiences, finding they had much in common and seemed to think in a similar way. She had never been so happy and had begun to hope that what was between them would be enduring. For the rest of her life she would remember this time: the free and easy repartee between herself and Jed; watching him throw back his head in laughter, eyes alight, the pure line of his throat brown from so much sun; the flex and pull of his muscles as he drove into her, bringing her to the peak of emotional and physical joy; the grace with which he moved. She knew she was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with him. Damien had faded from her mind, and it remained only to sever the link properly.
Then, on the third day she woke to find herself alone. She could hear Jed moving around in the kitchen and tried to tell herself he was being kind, getting up first to make her breakfast. But something felt wrong, some small worm of doubt that was wriggling in her mind, and dread curled through her, stiffening her spine and clenching her stomach.
Then he was bringing her coffee, touching her hand tenderly as he handed her the mug, his face sombre.
‘You know there can’t be anything more than this, don’t you?’ He sat, laid a hand on her arm, but couldn’t seem to meet her eye. ‘I think the world of you, care for you. I feel a lot of affection for you. In other circumstances, maybe we could have made a go of it. But I’m a bad bet, Tamsin, I’ve had my heart broken and I don’t think I can risk it again.’
She kept her eyes down, picking at the blanket with numb fingers, in her turn unable to look him in the face for fear he would see the raw emotion there.
‘In a minute you’ll be saying: “it isn’t you, it’s me.’’ Could you be more clichéd?’ she said bitterly.
‘God, I’m so sorry, Tamsin. But you’ve got stuff to work out yourself. Neither of us is ready for a relationship. Anyway, the helicopter will be here mid morning - I’ve been telling you for days it would be today. You’ll be going home. You won’t be stranded anymore.’
And he had told her, but Tamsin had pushed it to the back of her mind, reluctant to face reality, telling herself that, when the time came, he wouldn’t be able to let her go. Even though he had, if she was honest with herself, been gradually withdrawing into himself for a day now, seeming preoccupied and a little bit absent even when he was sheathed inside her in the depths of passion.
‘Look,’ he said now, kneeling and taking her hands in his, gazing seriously at her, ‘this time will always be special to me. You’ve given yourself to me totally and that’s been a wonderful thing; healing, even. But the whole situation has been artificial, with us forced together. These things never last. It’s been like a holiday romance, really intense and unrealistic. If we carried on seeing each other, we would soon find there was no real basis for being together beyond the sex - and even that has been heightened because of the circumstances. Please don’t be angry with me. Wait till you’re back in your normal life; you’ll soon forget me.’
Tamsin tried to protest, cut to the quick by his seeming callousness, but he put a finger to her lips then drew her into his arms. She acquiesced for a moment, held against his heart, hearing its steady rhythm. When she tried to pull free again, he held her tighter, kissed the top of her head, then trailed his lips down her throat to her breasts, where he captured each peak in turn, lathing them with his tongue, rousing the familiar fire that leapt so readily between them, massaging her naked back, running his fingers through the silken strands of her hair, then pulling her tighter against him, plunging his pulsing length into her hot, damp centre, moving slowly and tenderly till the honeyed sweetness that ebbed and flowed within her began to push all other thoughts from her mind. But at the moment of absolute surrender, when her body seemed to open like the petals of a rose to draw him deeper, a voice within her said that this would be the last time, and as she came, a storm of weeping shook her. He held her after, stroking her hair from her face, wiping her tears away with his thumb, kissing her brow.
Then they were getting up, washing, eating breakfast. The morning melted away, and all too soon she heard the steady hammer of the approaching helicopter, then it was coming into sight, filling the horizon - her nemesis - not a small vehicle but enormous, long, like a troop carrier. It hovered over the flat ground beyond the Hermitage, scattering the chickens and making the goats bleat with panic. One after another, pieces of equipment were lowered - cans of petrol, tents, a spare tyre for the Land Rover, then boxes of food. Tamsin watched it all, her mind numb and her heart sinking.
Finally the craft itself landed and the rotors were still. Jed went out to meet it, waving as the door of the cockpit opened and a burly, red haired man in jeans and leather jacket stepped down. Tamsin watched their greetings and then heard Jed say, ‘You’ve got a passenger for the return trip. The radio’s fucked, or I would have let you know.’ He beckoned to Tamsin, and she reluctantly went to meet the pilot, finding a smile and holding out her hand as Jed said, ‘This is Tamsin Smith. Pretty hard to believe, but the storm last week washed her up here. Tamsin, this is Greg Stewart. He’ll take you back to the mainland.’
But as Greg gripped her hand in greeting, the cockpit opened again and a young woman stepped down, looking confidently around her. She was petite and blonde, hair reaching to her waist, and was dressed in a no nonsense manner with a thick, dark green sweater under an olive parka, her long legs clad in tough leather boots. Tamsin heard Jed’s intake of breath and turned to him. A look of absolute longing had crossed his face and he started forward. ‘Fi!’ he said, holding a hand out towards the newcomer.
After that things seemed to speed up. They all went back into the Hermitage for coffee, during which Fi announced that she’d decided to come over early, taking Harvey’s place, (whoever Harvey was, thought Tamsin bitterly). From the looks Fi kept casting at Jed, it was obvious that the sub-plot was that she’d decided to give their relationship another go. Tamsin couldn’t bear to look at either of them and was glad when Greg announced that they needed to be on their way.
Then Jed was handing her up into the helicopter, his hand firm on her arm, his lips brushing her cheek in farewell. She was still wearing her borrowed sweater and boots and was empty handed, so little had survived her misadventure in the sea. It was as if she had brought nothing with her and was taking almost nothing away. Then, within moments it seemed, she was sitting clutching her hands together in her lap over her seatbelt as the craft lifted off, the thunder of its rotors thudding though her body in time to the thumping of her heart. She looked down as they rose vertically and swung around, the Hermitage roof just below them, Fi and Jed waving, their bodies foreshortened and becoming smaller as the helicopter gained height. The last she saw of Jed was as he turned to go back inside, his arm around Fi’s waist.
Tamsin craned her neck to catch a last glimpse of the island. She could see the whole of it and was aware, for the first time, of how tiny it was. There was the stone circle, distorted by distance, and the white beaches where the surf washed in. The Hermitage was a doll’s house, the bath place a toddler’s paddling pool beyond which miniature cliffs encompassed the cove, the seabird colony clear when seen from above, gulls flapping in panic and swirling into the air as the downdraught from the rotors hit them. Yet it was the most magical place on e
arth to her, and she was leaving it forever.
Although the headphones she’d been given to insulate her from the roar of the turning blades had a radio, she answered Greg’s chatter briefly as he asked her how she’d landed up here and where she was going.
‘Is there anyone we can contact for you when we land?’ he asked, turning to her with a smile. ‘I understand your personal possessions were washed overboard.’
Tamsin shook her head. ‘There’s a phone in my aunt’s cottage: I’ll ring my parents and ask them to collect me.’
Greg nodded and smiled again. Then, minutes later they were flying over Land’s End, heading for Gullwatch headquarters just outside Falmouth.
‘You’ll need to fill in some details for the flight log, like your name and address,’ Greg told her, ‘and then I can run you back to Polgorrow; it’s on my way home.’ Then they were dropping through the air, the sheds and buildings of Gullwatch looming closer.
After that, everything was a blur: signing the flight log, (with her parents’ address since she couldn’t live with Damien now), drinking a cup of coffee, climbing into Greg’s car for the trip to her aunt’s place. Tamsin was numbed to her core, tears not far away and yet seeming impossible in the bleak, frozen waste of her deadened emotions.
Then at last she was alone, her phone call to her parents over, Greg driving away. All she could do was drag herself like a wounded animal up to bed, where she slept for the three solid hours till her folks arrived.
Chapter 11
The weeks that followed were hell. Tamsin couldn’t seem to rouse herself from the aching misery that followed her around like a slinking black dog. Jed was never far from her thoughts. She both longed for and shunned company: when she was alone, she sank into a pit of grief, but when she was with people, she couldn’t concentrate on conversation, her attention constantly turning inwards.
At first she had nourished a vague hope that she might be pregnant, that she could be carrying a part of Jed inside her. But her period came, quashing any chance of that.
One of the first things she did after returning to London was to contact Damien to tell him it was over; but he had already left for New York, not bothering to wait for her answer. It was a huge relief, though it left her with nowhere to stay, since she’d given up her flat to move in with him. He’d boxed up her stuff and parked it on her friend Cassie. He hadn’t even left her a note, though she supposed it was lucky he hadn’t merely thrown her belongings into the street. So that was it, the link between them was severed for good.
So she stayed with friends, taking time off work, trying to get her life back on track. And, as the months passed and spring blended into summer and then the leaves started to turn gold, she gained a sense of peace and resignation. She began to take up the threads of her life again after her prolonged break. Though whenever she fingered the Viking talisman at her throat, she would be filled with the energy of the island and, in her mind, would be back among the gorse and bracken, or swimming in the cove with the seabirds circling overhead. When that happened, she would be charged with sexual energy and would play with her breasts and clitoris, bringing herself to a brief but intense orgasm, while images of Jed and their lovemaking played across the screen of her inner eye.
And she was restless now, as though her old life no longer fitted. Drama had lost its attraction: she no longer wanted to work in theatre or with students, though she had no idea what to do in its place. The city seemed claustrophobic and smutty, somehow - she would rather be in the fresh air, with the wind blowing her hair about and the sea singing its hypnotic song.
At last, when September was well underway and the nights were drawing in, she could bear it no longer. Slinging a few essentials in her car, she phoned her parents to let them know she was going to Cornwall for a week or so to think her life through, and then headed for Polgorrow. She hadn’t told them much about Jed, so they put her depression and rootlessness down to her breakup with Damien, and were all in favour of her getting away.
When she arrived, the cottage was chilly and she set about building a fire in the grate in the sitting room, where she sat with a mug of tea and a scraped together meal of egg and chips. Replete, she drowsed for a while then, unable to face the cold bedroom, fetched a duvet and snuggled down on the sofa.
By morning, the central heating had warmed the whole place through, but the fire had cheered her last night, so she raked the embers and built it up again, leaving a heartening blaze while she washed and dressed and ventured into the brisk morning air, finding her way down the garden to the creek.
There was no boat now to tempt her, and, anyway, the tide was out and egrets picked their way among the mud flats, yellow feet flashing on the end of long black legs, their white feathers dazzling in the early sunshine. A mist was rising along the opposite bank, shrouding the trees and deadening sound. Tamsin turned to go back to the house, ready for breakfast, her spirits more buoyant than they’d been since spring.
Then she froze. There was someone by the back door, his shape, with its broad shoulders and slim hips, achingly familiar. She began to walk faster, unable to believe her eyes, eager to find out for sure, though she could think of no reason for Jed to be here.
Then they were face to face and she was devouring him with her eyes. He looked thinner than before, his features gaunt and strained, hair shorter and swept back from his brow to reveal worry lines that she didn’t remember being there in May. He also looked unsure of his reception, even as he stood his ground. Her heart was stuttering and leaping, but she kept her face still, wondering why he was here and what he was going to say.
In the event, he stood mute, one hand tentatively held out to her and she took charge, opening the door and leading him into the warm sitting room. He followed meekly and sat on the sofa in front of the fire, automatically holding his hands to the blaze, as though he’d lost the power of speech. She sat next to him and put a hand on his shoulder, feeling an unexpected calm spread through her.
‘God, Tamsin,’ he said at last, eyes despairing, ‘I’ve been a total idiot. I know it’s far too late to salvage anything between us - you must hate me - but I needed to come and make my peace with you…’
‘But…how did you know where I was?’
He ran his hand through his hair, sweeping it from his face, and rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands like a small child, and Tamsin was touched by his vulnerability.
‘You gave your parents’ address and telephone number in the flight log,’ he began, voice still hesitant. ‘I rang them and they told me you were down here. They said you’d mentioned me pulling you from the sea, and they thanked me for saving your life.’ He gave a small grin and went on: ‘They were relieved it wasn’t Damien asking after you.’
Questioning him about how he had found her was a delaying tactic and, underneath her calm, Tamsin was shaking. A thread of hope was weaving its way into her frozen emotions. He’d said he’d been an idiot - did that mean he had had a change of heart regarding their relationship? She suddenly knew that she was more emotionally secure than he was at this moment, though she didn’t doubt that Jed would find his strength again.
Feeling very sure of herself now, she asked him, ‘What did you mean, it’s too late for us?’
‘Tamsin, could I have been more cruel to you? I was in total denial. My feelings for you were so powerful that they scared the shit out of me. When Fi turned up, wanting another chance, it seemed the ultimate let-out clause. She’d already hurt me, so what more could she do? She was the safe option while you, you challenged my feelings in every way, I didn’t think it was possible to experience such all-encompassing emotion. I could only think that if you got bored and ended it between us, I would never recover, so I took the easy way out. Of course, it only took me a day or two to see it would never work with Fi. You are loving and giving, but Fi is demanding and always wants her own way. Though it took me a few more weeks after that to work it all out properly; and then I was prett
y sure you wouldn’t want to take your chances with me after the way I treated you. But I needed to face it all and make my peace with you. I know it’s too late for anything more, but do you think you could forgive me?’
Then Tamsin moved closer and took his hands in hers. ‘Are you saying you want us to give things a go? Because I haven’t stopped loving you and I’m willing to take the risk if you are.’
She saw the hope flare in his eyes, his face breaking into a wide smile. She had forgotten how toe-curlingly gorgeous he was.
‘Tamsin, come back to the island with me. I have to do a two-week stint to cover for one of the others. We can have space and time together, get to know each other without the thought of your departure hanging over us. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. If you don’t want me, I’m not sure I could handle it.’
Tamsin’s heart soared. She knew he meant every word, knew he wouldn’t run from her again. ‘But I do love you and I know it will all work out.’ As she spoke, she rose to her feet, pulling her sweater over her head, unzipping her jeans, stepping out of her clothes to stand naked before him, the fire striking redder lights from her russet hair. She gathered her breasts into her hands, cupping them, holding them out to him, running her fingers over her nipples then down over her hips.
He groaned and began to shed his own clothes. ‘Tamsin,’ he whispered, voice hoarse, ‘are you sure?’
In answer, she stepped towards him and wound her arms around him. ‘Surer than I’ve ever been about anything,’ she answered, pulling his head down to hers, claiming his mouth, then taking his length into her, riding him as they stood, till at last they sank to the floor, locked together, moving towards a consummation that would bond them forever.
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