by Marci Fawn
I didn’t, either. My mouth opens and it’s as if the words are coming from somewhere else, someone besides me, but they feel so right.
“The wedding is off,” I say. “Don’t talk to me, don’t call me, don’t go looking for me. Enjoy fucking Becky.”
He flinches, and I know the words sting. I hadn’t even been sure it was Becky until then. I don’t care who it is. I just want Jason out of my face. I turn on my heel, back the way I came –
To Sabrina, and to my daughter.
The people I belong with, now that I don’t have a fiancé.
For a moment, I just stand outside the door watching River and Sabrina talk in hushed tones. Dawn is sitting in the corner, playing with her Barbies, and I see River stealing glances every once in a while.
I wonder if his feelings for her would change if he knew, if he even wants to be around as her father. He asked earlier.
I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him. But now, watching them wrestle on the floor as he boops her nose… I want to.
“Knock, knock,” my hand hits the frame outside the door, my voice trying to disguise how I feel with a cheerful tone. It doesn’t work. River looks up in concern immediately, and Dawn runs to me, her hands wrapping around my legs as she buries her face in the tulle of this dress. I hate this dress.
“Mommy, where did you go?” Dawn wants to know. “Where’s Jason?”
I pick Dawn up and kiss her on the head, whispering in her hair that Sabrina has a surprise for her. My friend gives me a worried look, but I can only nod.
I’m not worried about Dawn’s safety. Sabrina’s been babysitting her for ages, and she knows what to do. I’ll explain later, but now… I need to speak to River.
The girls file out of the room with Sabrina holding Dawn’s hand. River’s gaze follows them outside and I can see the wistful look in his eyes. He’s wondering… he’ll want to know whether she’s his child. But I’ve had enough for one day. I don’t think I can handle a single surprise more.
River coughs, his hand held in front of his mouth like a paper bag to breathe in as soon as my baby and Sabrina are gone.
“So, Faith,” he says. And his face breaks into a worried expression next. “I’m so fucking sorry, I… you shouldn’t have to find out that way. I didn’t know how to tell you…”
I push a finger against his lips, stopping him. I don’t want to touch him. It sends shivers through my body and half of them are good, but half of them are bad – I’m afraid of where this could go. But I need to be the one to talk first, or he’ll take the conversation over and dominate me…
Verbally.
“We don’t have to talk about them,” he says, but his eyes betray him, and soon, his mouth does, too. “So what happened? Are you calling off the wedding?”
I nod simply. There’s nothing else to say. As much as I want a father for my baby girl, I’m not going to marry that cheating prick Jason.
“We need to talk,” I tell River. “About Dawn.”
I watch him as I talk. He puts a hand under his chin and drops to the floor, sitting in what Dawn calls “criss cross applesauce” style. I still don’t know the proper name for it. Well, I do. Just not off the top of my head right now.
Ugh.
I can’t do this…
I continue talking. Slowly, but I still manage to do it. “I’m cancelling everything.” My hands bury themselves in the fabric at my sides, pulling it for River to see. “Guess this is just decoration now.”
“I’d argue that the model wearing it is better, actually,” he says. I think he meant that as comfort, but by the way he’s looking at me… He must be serious.
I sigh, dropping to the floor in front of him. I arrange my legs beneath me, holding my head in my hands. “I never… I never wanted Jason, you know? I just wanted a father for Dawn.”
He grabs both sides of my face, forcing me to look up at him. “You went on a date with him once. You went back to him.” They’re both statements, not questions. He’s not accusing me, just stating facts.
“I know,” I shake my head for the thousandth time this night, but only now it’s at myself. “I just…”
I trail off, trying to drop my head again. His grip tightens, his thumb running over my mouth. I grimace at him, but he doesn’t stop.
“Faith,” he begins, his tone careful. “Is she mine?”
I don’t respond.
“Dawn,” he clarifies. Like he thinks I don’t know.
I close my eyes. I can’t bow my head, but that doesn’t mean I need to look at him. He waits for an answer, but it just never comes. I can’t say the words. Isn’t it goddamn obvious enough?
“Faith, Faith… Faith,” he says my name over and over, his thumb moving from my lips to my eyelids, begging for me to open them. I do.
His eyes are so sad. He looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Of all the things I’d expected from him, I’d never expected this. He wasn’t a shell of who he was before. He was the same boy he’d always been, just hidden away under a tough exterior.
“Please. Give me a chance. Let me make this right. I want to tell you everything… About our last night together,” he says with a pinched voice. “It was fucking perfect. So damn perfect. I knew I would be leaving…”
I pull away from him right away, giving him an accusatory look.
So he knew.
He knew he’d walk out of my life the very next day.
Yet he still kissed me.
Touched me.
He fucked me, for god’s sake!
I can’t talk.
I have to.
His hands are still roaming my face, stroking my cheeks and the bones there before dashing across skin, back to holding each side as if he’s still forcing me to look at him.
I gulp. There’s something rising in my chest… Anger. He shouldn’t be doing this. Acting like a broken man when he was the one who left me alone, when I was the one who just found out she was being cheated on and had to call off an engagement two days before she was married!
I can’t yell at him, though.
“We paid for the honeymoon in advance,” I keep my voice still. “I’m taking care of things, keeping it for myself. I’m going to go to Greece with Sabrina and…”
I can’t say “our baby.” I force myself through the sentence. “…Dawn. I’m leaving, River.”
I need him to know that we’re not going to be together.
Instead, he takes my face and brings me closer to him, our lips so close to each other and so agonizingly bittersweet.
He kisses me.
I shove myself against his shoulders. He’s stronger than me, so much stronger, but he doesn’t expect it. He falls, barely catching himself, begging me to wait as I stand and push myself out to the garden where I left my little girl.
He’s saying every sweet nothing under the sun and I’m running, running, running.
I can’t care. I can’t care for River Xavier ever again.
46
River
She is the queen of mixed signals. For a second there, I thought she still loved me.
She must.
She has to.
Even if she doesn’t…
Fuck. I’m a father. I just know I am, even though she wouldn’t come out and say it.
“You knew about him cheating,” my voice comes out colder than I’d expected it to.
Sabrina was the one to tell me everything, to lead me to the dress rehearsal in the first place, so I could find Faith. I wonder if she knew about Jason, but didn’t want to be the one to say it. I don’t ask.
We’re standing in Faith’s apartment, except this time I’m a lot less drunk and I’m making different mistakes. I shouldn’t have kissed Faith, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And as hard as I’m trying, I can’t make myself regret it.
Fuck it.
“I did,” she raises an eyebrow at me, imitating the motion I’d greeted her with when she opened her door to me
. They are roommates. It gives me hope… Faith still wanted to be independent, even with being engaged to Jason. She’s such a strong woman.
“And,” Sabrina waves around the room, “I knew you’d be here.”
She smiles loosely, unable to keep her lips as tight as she’d tried to when she opened the door. With a content sigh, she plops herself down on the couch I’d woken up on just a few nights ago. How fucking different everything was. I hadn’t been in a fight in ages, and as much as I long for the ring, I am so tired. My phone beeps, and Sabrina glances in its direction, looking at me.
I just shrug. Running off and chasing after true love hadn’t been in the plan, and my coach – and some groupies probably – are blowing up my phone wondering where the fuck I am.
Giving Sabrina another shrug, I reach for my phone, turn the damn thing off, and then just throw it to the floor.
Hopefully, it doesn’t break.
That is my third one so far, and that is this year.
“Nice,” she drags the words out, throwing her arms out on either side of her as I join her on the couch. “So, Mister Mystery, what brings you here?”
“I’m not letting go this time,” I say determinedly. “She tried to push me away. I ain’t letting her.”
Sabrina laughs.
It isn’t fucking funny at all. I am pissed at Sabrina, even though I know I shouldn’t be.
“How do you feel?” she wants to know next.
“Shitty.” It’s the truth.
“There are drinks in the fridge if it’ll make you feel better,” she adds.
“It won’t,” I’m being short with her, and she’s getting pissed, too. Great. “Faith mentioned you guys are leaving the country.”
“And you’re going to beg me to let you come with.” Not a question. She isn’t far off of my thought process, though. We never talked much and here this girl knows me too well. Except…
“I don’t beg,” I raise an eyebrow at her, mocking her imitation earlier; my arch higher than hers could ever hope to be. She laughs – not the reaction I expect. Or want.
“Well, luckily for you,” she pushes her body off the couch mid-sentence, the motion seemingly effortless. I watch as she goes searching for a bag on the other side of the room. I only know she’s doing that when she emerges carrying a huge tote on wheels, her face triumphant. “I thought ahead.”
She wheels the suitcase to the center of the room and continues talking. “Faith is already there. She picked up Dawn from day care and went right to the airport after work.”
“The flight takes off in two hours. And we’re,” she checks her phone absent-mindedly. “Leaving now.”
“I don’t have a ticket.”
Like that would stop me.
“Actually,” she flips through her phone again, revealing it to me to show me an airline site. “There were some last-minute passengers canceling their flights. And a certain boxer who needs a ride...”
I laugh, thanking her, telling her I didn’t expect her to do anything for me.
“Neither did I. In fact, you owe me. Around $1,800, specifically,” she says, hefting her bag. “And you’re going to carry this. Let’s go.”
I’m too stunned to object. I just take her bag as she leads me outside and we sit inside a cab. The airport it is…
To go to my Faith.
And sweet baby girl Dawn.
Being in airports so many times doesn’t mean you get used to how fucking annoying the lines can be, especially when you’re looking for someone. ID? Check. Any metal on you? Nope. Blah, blah, blah. None of the heads in these rows around me belong to Faith. I would recognize the slope of her hair and her frame anywhere, and none of these people…
Fuck.
They need to move.
“Calm down,” Sabrina is right next to me, poking me with her finger. I guess I’m visibly angry. I don’t give a fuck. “She got here a little before us. She’ll just be on the other side.”
The airport is large and divides in two: pre-check in and safety shit, post-check in and waiting to get on your flight. Sabrina drags me with her, and I don’t object. She’s the best friend with the plan.
She knows where to find Faith – and Dawn, I remind myself. It’s hard to think of her that way when Sabrina expressly forbid me from mentioning it, and Faith pretty much implied I wasn’t not welcome when she sent Dawn away.
She’s sitting on way too much luggage when we find her.
She is so fucking stunning.
And she is so mad.
Her eyes stab daggers into me, and I swear I can feel the heat of her on my skin – and not in a sexual way. I’ve thought of her heat on my skin hundreds of times. This time, it is like she wants to slap me.
I was surprised she hadn’t when I kissed her.
The fact that she hadn’t only made me want to do it again, harder. Longer. Deeper. Leading into… More.
She stands, and I’m convinced she heard my thoughts and is coming to tell me that I should be ashamed of myself. I probably should be, to be honest.
But I never was and refuse to be. Faith is the type of girl you think about naked. And here she is, feet away, walking towards me –
Her eyes rise above and past my shoulder. She is looking at something behind me. I don’t want to turn and find out what it is. I only want to stare at her.
“What the f—“ she catches herself mid-curse, not even turning to stare at our daughter in shock as I expect her to. I see Dawn behind her, resting on the luggage where Faith had so carefully placed her. I give her a small wave and Dawn waves back with a shy smile.
In the next second, Faith’s slapped my hand away and is glaring at me.
She is a loving mother.
Becky would be a horrible one.
I fucking wish I could tell Faith that… wait, Becky. I hear her high-pitched, annoying voice in my head. Or is she actually here?
I whip around, tearing my eyes away from Faith.
And she’s behind me. I can tell by that shit shrill voice of hers as she tries to talk down to Faith, and, so help me, if she weren’t a girl, I’d clock her.
“Hello, Faith,” she says, her voice bitchy as usual. Not as bitchy without other clones surrounding her, I notice. As if it makes much difference. Her voice turns sultry, and she runs a hand down the muscles on one of my arms. “And River.”
“Fuck off, Rebecca,” I use her full name and the full word to Faith’s terror. Dawn is nodding off on the luggage. It’s not like she’ll know.
“You were always the one to make bad decisions. I don’t know what anyone ever saw in you, actually,” she backs away from me, turning to hide with…
“Jason.” Faith’s voice is cold. She’s trying to pass herself off as indifferent and unhurt. She’s better at it than she was at that party, but her arms are still shaking. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Going to Greece,” Jason smirks. “You left me with a plane ticket, remember? And there were some last minute cancellations, so… Guess my new girl is coming with me.”
Jason looks triumphant. Becky is staring at us with glee. And Faith is shaking, shaking so much.
She doesn’t need me to defend her.
I just want to.
I can’t help it. I haven’t fought in so long and I haven’t had Faith in so long, and all the anger and tension in my body build up into a filthy rage. I raise my fist like I’m up against an opponent in the ring, but this douche isn’t expecting it and he has no way of defending himself.
Jason falls to the floor, out cold.
I’m sure the bastard has never gotten in a fight before in his life.
My eyes turn to Becky, and my arms are around Faith like she’s my girl, because she is.
And unlike that night, this time I want Becky to know it.
Not just that Faith is better than her, but that Faith is mine.
But Becky isn’t looking at us, and it’s not like she’d have heard anything over her stupid shrieks
as she held onto Jason’s shirt. He isn’t dead, of course, though I’d gladly take care of that. He had taken Faith from me and hurt her.
“Well,” Sabrina drags me a little farther away from Jason, like she’s scared I’m going to hit him again. “I guess we should get going. The flight’s in a few minutes anyway.”
“Then we’re going to hop on a cruise to get the rest of the way to Greece?”
She nods. I grin, turning my eyes to Faith, daring her to argue with me. “I’m coming with.”
To my surprise, she’s not fighting with me. She’s… smiling.
“After the way you hit Jason, you probably shouldn’t stay here,” she concedes. She goes to pick up Dawn and her luggage, but I grab her bags first, the way I always wished she’d let me carry her books back in high school. And she lets me do that, too, leaving us the only challenge of getting to Gate 42 before security comes.
“Who is this man, mommy?” Dawn asks Faith doubtfully, glaring at me.
Faith looks at a total loss for words, and I jump in, smiling my trademark grin at the little girl who might just be my daughter. “I’m a friend of the family. Name’s River. What’s your name, little girl?”
“Dawn,” she says, sticking four fingers up at me. “I’m not little. I’m this much years old.”
I grin at her. “Four? Well, you’re practically an adult.”
“Yes,” she replies, looking pleased with me as she turns to her mother. “Ok, he can come.”
Faith looks at me with exasperation as I smile a shit-eating grin at her and take the luggage after the three women heading for the terminal.
Originally, I don’t get a seat next to Faith, but the man sitting next to her recognizes who I am.
He’s a huge fan, he says.
We switch seats.
47
Faith
The flight is faster than I could have expected, but I stress out the whole time. I still don’t know how to feel about River being back again, or what this could mean for us. There’s something different between us now, though. I just don’t know what.
