by J. L. Beck
I leave Reed and Fallon’s not long after we finish eating. So many thoughts are going through my head, and I don’t know where to go next. I’m still obsessing over it when I shuck my clothes and climb into bed, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I dream of Ava.
When the dream starts, we are in my office the day I acted like a complete asshole, only, instead of pushing me away and slapping me, Ava presses her body closer and lets me kiss her.
Devouring her mouth with mine, I run my hands up and down her body, caressing every part of her I can reach without breaking our kiss. She tastes so good, a hint of spearmint on her tongue mixing with her own unique flavor. I want more and more of her.
The scene shifts, and suddenly I’m back in that hotel room with my mystery girl. She’s pinned beneath me and my mouth is between her legs. The memory of her pussy makes my mouth water. I love the sounds she’s making, her moans and gasps spurring me on and telling me what she likes the most.
I slide two fingers inside her, curling them up so I can hit her G-spot, and the moment I touch it, she screams my name. My body jerks away from hers in shock, and when I look up at her face, it’s not my mystery girl at all… It’s…it’s… Ava.
Staring at the bottom of the toilet isn’t what I wanted to be doing this morning, but my stomach had other plans. Trying to calm the waves of nausea that keep slamming into me, I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth again and again until the feeling recedes.
The sound of the door opening and closing causes the hair on my arms to stand up. Panic fills me as I flush the toilet and open the stall door.
Andi’s staring at herself in the mirror, applying what looks to be her twentieth layer of lip gloss today. She doesn’t seem to notice me, and I’m okay with that. I don’t need any rumors or drama started. I just want to come to work, get a check, and go home.
“You look really green, and like…” She gazes at me in the mirror, her eyes most definitely judging me as they roam over my body.
“Bloated. Yeah, definitely bloated. Is there something you want to share with everyone?” The smile that pulls at her lips is menacing, and lucky for her I don’t have it in me to argue. I only shake my head and grab a couple paper towels, wetting them and pressing them against my warm cheeks. Andi suspecting and telling everyone I’m pregnant is the worst thing that can happen. I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to tell Ryker who I am, and if she tells the company I’m pregnant before I do, well, I’m not sure he’ll believe me when I finally do it.
When I get back to my desk, I pull up my period tracker app and stare down at it. It’s not like the dates are going to suddenly change. I’m clearly more than two weeks late, and the truth of my situation is starting to sink in. This isn’t just stress. It can’t be.
I can’t believe I’m finding myself in almost the same situation as my mom, even after doing everything I could to prevent it. Leave it me to make a stupid decision while drunk and not even make sure the jerk who took my virginity used a condom.
My head is in my hands and I’m doing everything I can to keep from crying when a warm hand lands on my shoulder, causing goose bumps to pop up all over my body. The scent of his cologne fills the space around us, so I know it’s Ryker before he even says my name.
Turning slowly, I look up at him, and the soft, concerned look in his eyes almost makes me cry. My emotions are so close to the surface right now. I hate feeling this way—vulnerable, and open, as if I could spill the secret of who I am to him at any second.
His eyes search my face before focusing in on my shaking hands. “What’s wrong?” The edge to his voice tells me he’s worried.
I start to shake my head, but he cuts me off. “Something is going on with you, so don’t tell me it’s nothing. I’m not stupid.” The anger in his voice makes me flinch, but there’s no way I can tell him the truth right now. I just have to push the emotions down. I have to build up my walls. I mantra all of this to myself before answering him.
“Just having a bad day. Did you need something?” I lie, blinking away any unshed tears.
Ryker’s face falls a little when I don’t give him an answer, but he doesn’t call me out on it again. Looking down at the screen on his phone, he sighs. “Reed’s called a meeting that starts in less than five minutes. I need you to be there and take notes, so I can’t do anything about you avoiding talking to me right now. Trust me, though, we will be talking after.”
He turns away from me, not waiting for me to come with him to the meeting, even though he didn’t bother to tell me where the thing is. I grab a notebook and hurry after him, and when we step into the elevator together, he stands on the opposite side from me, putting as much space between us as he can. The distance leaves me cold and craving his touch. When we reach the floor, he rushes from the elevator before I can even say anything to him, and I’m forced to jog behind him to keep up. I want to tell him to slow down, but as I’m about to, he comes to a stop right outside the door.
Walking into the conference room, I watch as Ryker picks a seat between two other people, making it impossible for me to sit close to him. The way he’s acting right now ticks me off. I’m allowed to keeps parts of my life private. I’m not required to tell him anything, and him pouting because I’m not is a serious turnoff. Sometimes, I swear he’s got multiple personalities.
There’s the guy from the bar, the slightly drunk, sad one. Then, there’s the jackass who propositioned me in his office and deserved every bit of the slap I gave him. The guy he is when he’s with his brother is probably one of my favorites. With them, he’s playful and sarcastic. I can see the bond between the three men, and I’m glad he has that.
God only knows how different I’d be if I had a bond with someone like that.
Before I can think too much more on Ryker and his multiple personalities, Reed walks in the door, followed by Fallon, and calls everyone to attention. I quickly find a seat, and when I look up, I find Ryker staring at me intently. The look in his stormy-blue eyes is so heated, I squirm in my chair. I regret doing so when one side of his mouth tips up in a smirk.
That asshole. He knows the power he has over my body and that he could turn me to mush in seconds.
A cough comes from beside him, and we both turn to see Andi. She gives me an evil smile, then turns to Ryker, her hand resting on his forearm and rubbing gently. He gently extricates himself, but not before I see her eyes narrow on him in irritation. My stomach drops when she leans close to him, her mouth just beside his ear.
I can see her mouth moving, and the more she speaks, the more he leans closer so he can hear whatever it is she’s saying. None of us are paying attention to the meeting or what Reed is saying, not until he barks Ryker’s name. Ryker turns away from Andi at the sharp word, looking up at his brother with furrowed brows.
“Are you planning to pay attention to the meeting today? Or are we interrupting your social life?”
The employees in the room all titter in amusement, and I’m a little surprised to see the tips of Andi’s ears turn bright red with embarrassment. Huh. Who knew she could feel any kind of emotion?
Ryker waves off Reed’s words with a smile. “Sorry. Andi was just telling me something important. It couldn’t wait until after the meeting.” He turns back to look at me and there’s a hard look in his eyes that makes my pulse pound in my ears. Is she telling him about my time in the bathroom?
Oh God, please don’t let her be telling him.
I knew I should’ve just told him that first day when he was such an asshole to me. That would have shocked him so much he wouldn’t have been able to come on to me anymore.
The rest of the meeting goes by uneventfully, and when Reed finally dismisses us, I have three pages in my notebook full of things he wants to implement and another page full of ideas on how the company can. I will probably never show them to anyone, but at least I’m coming up with things, and maybe one day I’ll show them to Ryker or maybe even Fallon. She can show
them to Reed for me. Less chance of rejection that way.
Ryker’s gaze swings around the room as people move around him, and I know he’s searching for me. I can’t deal with him right now, not until I know for sure if I’m having his baby, so I duck into the crowd and sneak out through the door. Just before I leave the room, I look back and see him engrossed in conversation with Andi. I want to know what she’s saying to him, but I also don’t want to be anywhere nearby if she spills what she thinks she knows.
Instead of waiting for the elevator with everyone else going to all the other floors, I shove open the door to the stairs and practically fly down the one flight to my floor. When I reach my desk, the floor is still mostly empty, so I grab my purse out of my desk and hope Ryker is still waylaid by Andi so I don’t meet him when the elevator doors open to let everyone out.
I sigh in relief when he’s not in the rush of people escaping the elevator and I’m able to get inside and press the button that will take me down to the lobby. I sag against the back wall and let out a deep sigh of relief. I still mentally keep my fingers crossed that he doesn’t somehow catch on to me leaving and make it down to the main entrance before I do, but my luck holds when the doors slide open. He’s nowhere around, so I rush out into the crush of people on the street and disappear.
Standing in front of the display, I study all the different choices available, not knowing which I should pick. Do I get the one that just has two lines, or one that spells it out for you when the result pops up? Should I get more than one, just in case the first test doesn’t work? They sell them in packs of two or three, too, and it’s all so overwhelming.
Know what else kills me? The pregnancy tests are in the same spot as the tampons and the condoms. Really? So, the same aisle I get the stuff for my period also houses the things that prevent pregnancy and the things that prove it. How bizarre. I shake my head, wondering how I could’ve been so stupid to let things get this far? I should’ve told him. I should’ve revealed myself to him.
After standing in front of the display for more time than I’ll ever admit, I grab three different boxes using the eenie, meenie, miney, moe method and shove them in the basket I’m gripping in my other hand. Just in case, I also add a pack of tampons, a box of condoms, and enough bags of chocolate candy to hide all of it before heading for the checkout. I’m not taking any chances.
The cashier gives me a weird look when she gets to the bottom, but doesn’t comment on my choices. That’s probably a good thing, because I’m freaking out so hard I’m not sure if I would break down in tears or bite her head off.
Once I pay for my purchases, I leave, not ready to go back to my apartment yet, though I don’t have anywhere else to go either. The thought of taking these tests terrifies me, but I know I need to just get it over with so I know…so I can come up with some kind of plan.
How do you tell your boss that you slept together, but that he just doesn’t remember it?
Even better, how do you tell him he knocked you up during that unable-to-remember sex?
Fuck. My. Life.
Where did she go? I turn in circles, trying to catch a glimpse of Ava, but it’s as if she’s disappeared. It doesn’t help that there are so many fucking people in this room it’s probably a fire hazard. Damn my brother and his “mandatory” meetings about shit no one cares about.
“Ryker?” It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes when she says my name. My name dripping from her lips makes my stomach tighten, and not in a good way. I don’t want to hear anything Andi has to say after the bullshit she was whispering in my ear when the meeting first started.
The woman—and I use the term loosely—tried to tell me that Ava isn’t who I think she is, like she knows what goes through my head. She may have fucked my brother once or twice, but I damn sure never went there, and I never will.
As much as I hate Reed singling me out in front of the employees, I’m glad he did this time. It made Andi sit up straight and leave me alone because everyone was looking at us. I know the reason she did it was to get a reaction out of either me or Ava, but she got nothing—at least not from me.
“Ryker?” Her tone turns whiny, and the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound makes me cringe.
I turn to look down at her, and in as cold a voice as I can muster, I ask, “What do you want, Andi?”
Her lips turn down in a pout, and she looks up at me with what I’m sure are supposed to be puppy dog eyes, but the expression on her is so damn fake. There’s nothing sweet or meek about this woman, and trying to act like there is rubs me the wrong way.
Her hand strokes my bicep, and I have to work at not ripping it off my body. Not that it would deter her, because not even my stiff posture is doing that. Andi just leans in closer, so close I can smell her cloying perfume, while she continues to give me what she thinks is a seductive look.
“Are you hungry?” Her tongue darts out over her lips, while her eyes hone in on my lips.
What the fuck? That question is totally out of left field, and before I can control my mouth, I ask the same thing out loud. Andi looks offended for a second, but it’s gone just as fast as it appeared, and she’s looking up at me with a sugar-sweet expression once more.
“It’s just, I’m hungry, and I figured if you were too…” she trails off, probably waiting for me to finish the thought, but I continue to stare down at her, my lips pressed together tightly so I don’t say what I’m thinking and end up in HR later today. When she sees I’m not falling for it, she sighs, the look on her face turning to irritation. I half expect her to stomp her foot, but she doesn’t. “Fine,” she says with a huff. “I thought if you were hungry and I was too, maybe we could eat together.”
The look on her face is hopeful, completely at odds with her expression, and I shrug her off. “Sorry, Andi. I need to go check on Ava. She hasn’t been feeling well lately.”
“That’s because she’s a damn whore,” Andi mutters under her breath, and when I hear her, I spin around and grip her arms tightly, pulling her into me and letting her see the rage her words have inspired. This time, her eyes go round, but not in a way that’s supposed to be beguiling. She’s scared, and I’m glad.
“Don’t ever talk about Ava that way again. Do you hear me?” She nods her head, the movement so fast she looks like a damn bobble head. The thought would make me laugh, if I wasn’t so enraged. “Good.” I release her arms, but not until I move her out of my way so I can go after Ava.
When I get to Ava’s desk, her purse and cardigan are both gone. I try calling her cell, but it goes straight to voicemail. Panic churns in my belly. How am I supposed to find her now?
Just as I have the thought, my phone rings in my hand, and I look down to see Fallon’s name on the screen. Swiping to answer, I put the phone up to my ear and say hello.
“Hey. Reed, Remy and I are going to get food. Wanna come?” She sounds so sweet, and any other time I would say yes, but tonight I can’t. I need to find Ava and get to the bottom of what’s bothering her. Fuck Fallon telling me to wait. I have to do what my heart and mind are telling me to.
I have to find Ava.
“Are you at your desk?” I don’t answer her question, and I can tell asking one of my own startles her by the stammered yes that comes through the speaker.
“Don’t leave yet. I’ll be right there.”
I don’t bother waiting for the elevator, opting to run up the stairs instead. When I get to her desk, I’m breathing hard and I can feel the sweat dripping down the back of my neck. Fallon looks up at me like I’m crazy, but I couldn’t care less about that right now.
“Do you have Ava’s address?” I ask, barely getting the words out I’m so breathless.
Her head tips to the side and she doesn’t immediately answer.
“Damn it, Fallon. Do you have it?” My frustration mounts with every passing second.
The desperation in my voice gets through to her, and she nods. “Yes, I think I still have it. Why?”
Her eyes narrow on me. “Not if you won’t tell me why. I’m not going to help you do something to hurt her again. If she wanted you to have it, she’d give it to you herself.”
My hands are clenched into fists, and before I realize I’m going to do it, I slam one down on her desk, making her jump. “Goddammit!” Fallon’s eyes widen, and any other time I’d feel bad for scaring her, but right now I don’t care about anything but Ava. “Please, Fallon. She didn’t look good today, and she won’t tell me what’s wrong. I just want to check on her.”
I hate how pleading my voice sounds right now, and how weak I look desperately asking for a woman’s address that I have no right knowing, but considering Fallon starts writing something down on a piece of paper then hands it to me, I don’t care. Looking down at the paper, I memorize her address and leave without saying thank you.
No one answers the door at Ava’s apartment, no matter how hard I beat my fists against the wooden door, and after waiting a few minutes, I finally leave. I’ll give her a little time to get home, but I’ll be back.
I get back in my car and drive around aimlessly, not paying any attention to where I’m going until I pull up at the gate of the cemetery where my parents are buried. Hesitating for a few minutes, I don’t know if I want to go in or drive to the nearest bar. My foot makes the decision for me, and I drive through the gates before I can stop myself.
Coming to a stop at the end of the row where their graves are, I cut off the car and clench the steering wheel. I haven’t been here since the funeral, and I’m not sure why I’m here now.
It takes me a few minutes before I can force myself out of the vehicle and make my way slowly toward the marker that tells me where to find my parents. I come to a stop in front of the dark-gray marble and look down at their names.
