by KD Robichaux
I feel Dr. Walker shift in his seat, but I hold my position, unwilling to allow my ex-husband’s face to leave my mind’s eye. Those dark chocolate eyes, and that smile that never failed to warm my soul. “Tell me about Corbin, Vivian. Lowe—you still use it as your pen name?”
“I do. When I was trying to come up with my author name, I did some research. A lot of people said to use a name you’d love to have. A lot of people came out with a pen name using Grey, for Christian Grey of course, fantasizing they were his Ana, I guess. Others said they used the last name of some of their movie star crushes. But me… there was only one last name I fantasized about having, and it was one that had been mine. I was Mrs. Corbin Lowe years ago, and I still would be if I’d been given a choice.” My head finally drops, and my tears fall onto the backs of my hands in my lap.
“I don’t want to miss anything, so let’s go back to the beginning again. Start from when you first met at Rock On,” he instructs, and after a deep breath, I nod, and tell him the story of my great love affair.
“OH, GOD, NO. Not at all.” From the angle of camera one, I see Vi’s face crumple as she speaks. “My next relationship was with the love of my life. I found my soul mate, Dr. Walker. He was my everything. And I had to give him up.”
My gut clenches, watching her pain come through my computer screen. It’s almost palpable. She talks about me with such fondness. So why the fuck did she cheat on me if I was the love of her life? Why would she break the one rule I had? Just stay fucking loyal. That’s all I asked.
“…and after a few months, I gave him my virginity,” she tells Doc, and I listen to his question and her response for what has to be the hundredth time since her second session ended almost a week ago.
“What was that like? Was there much pain? Any issue surrounding the milestone? Did you feel pressured? This is very important since we’re trying to find the source of your desire for the BDSM lifestyle.” Doc scribbles something on his notepad, and my eyes follow Vi’s face as she leans her head back on the couch cushion.
“Never has there been a more perfect first time between two people. I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried writing love scenes in my books that could compare to the first time Corbin made love to me. But nothing ever seems to hold a candle. It was truly magical. To answer your questions, there was a little pain, but not much. He was an unselfish lover, who always made sure I was ready. He never rushed me. He took care of me. Made me feel like a queen he was worshipping. And I never felt pressured. In fact, I can remember wishing he would make the move to finally seal the deal.” She chuckles lightly, and I realize my face has softened, as it does every time I get to this part in the video. “But I know it was just his way of making sure I was ready. He wanted me to make the first move, so he knew it was all my idea. And when I finally grew the balls to tell him I wanted him, I couldn’t imagine it having ever been better for another person.”
I always wondered what she thought about her first time. If she had regretted it in any way. I had taken her virginity in my barracks room. It wasn’t some fancy hotel after I’d wined and dined her. No. It was after a day spent at an amusement park riding roller coasters together, and I had taken her back to my decrepit old building on base, where I made love to her surrounded by ugly army-issued furniture with a movie playing in the background.
But the way she tells the story to Doc, it sounds like a love scene in a movie, one any woman on the face of the planet would fantasize about.
“…and after we married, he never changed. I had worried about that. Once he put a ring on my finger, would he stop being so doting? Would he stop trying to be the man of my dreams? But he never did. He was always my same Corbin, who put me on a pedestal and treated me like a goddess. He was my protector, my lover, and then finally, the day we had dreaded for almost two years came. He got orders to deploy to Afghanistan.” I watch as she uses her tissue to swipe at her nose before Doc interrupts what she was going to say next.
“Our time is up for today, Vivian. But we made some really great strides. I think next time, we’ll really get to the heart of everything. But I can tell you one thing. I think you will fit into Club Alias as a submissive beautifully. And Seven is definitely a good match as your trainer.” Doc glares in the direction of the camera for a moment, and I know that last line was meant for me. What he meant by it, I’m not exactly sure, but I plan to find out as I close my laptop and head out my door for our meeting tonight before Vi’s next session tomorrow.
I reach the glass door with our security service logo on the front, glancing to the right, at the unmarked door Vi had entered the club through. In just a couple more weeks, I would be meeting her inside, training her on how to be a proper submissive. Something I had fantasized about during our years together but never brought up. I had given up that part of myself, hiding it from her innocence, not wanting to scare her away.
I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she got into this on her own. What could’ve possibly happened between our divorce and now that I wouldn’t have picked up on while watching her? Or was it simply the books she read? She’d always loved reading “vampire porn” as I called it. Had she just started reading BDSM books and become interested? Maybe it was something as simple as that, and it just so happened to call to the submissive side of her I was always drawn to. I guess I’ll find out in her last two sessions with Doc.
As if thinking of him conjured the man himself, I step back as the door opens from the inside, and I see Doc standing before me. “Evening, Corb,” he greets, and I give him a chin lift. “We have a lot to discuss.” His tone sounds almost scolding.
“Sorry, bro. Not a switch bone in my body. So any idea you have of bending me over your knee, giving me a spanking, and telling me I’ve been a very bad boy needs to find its way out of your brain,” I growl, walking past him as I enter our building.
“What the hell are you thinking?” he snaps, and I roll my eyes as I stride to the back and open the door that connects to a hallway leading to the club.
“And here we go,” I grumble, as he continues chewing me out, all the while following me up the set of stairs that leads to our individual offices.
“You told me years ago you divorced your wife because she was a cheating whore who slept with someone while you were deployed. You painted her into this… this terrible person, this Black Widow adulteress. And then it turns out she is Seth’s friend, so you take his mask, pretend you’re him, and now she’s applying to be in a BDSM club that you own, all while thinking you’re Seth. This is fucked up, Corb. And we do some pretty fucked-up shit. So if I think this is fucked up, then you know it’s so far beyond fucked up it’s… it’s—”
“FUBAR?” I supply, and he sighs.
“This isn’t right, Corb. You’re better than this. That woman… she’s not anything like what you made us believe.” He shakes his head.
That statement pisses me right the fuck off. “I didn’t make you believe anything. I told you what happened. I told you that while I was deployed, my wife, the woman I gave up a huge part of who I am for, slept with another man. She had me in the palm of her hand. She made me trust her, made me believe I had nothing to worry about. And she. Fucking. Betrayed. Me. Whatever else you added to the story is on you. But the truth itself should be enough.”
He walks over to the leather couch up against the wall and sinks onto it, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. “Look. I understand she hurt you all those years ago. She broke your goddamn heart. I get it. But I’m telling you right now, that woman still worships the ground you walk on. She called you her soul mate, the love of her life—”
“Yeah, I heard her. I watched the fucking footage a thousand goddamn times,” I interject, plopping down into my office chair angrily.
The office grows quiet, so quiet my ears begin to buzz. When Doc speaks again, he’s using his shrink voice. “Corbin, why are you doing this? All judgment and what’s right or wrong aside. Why a
re you doing this? Why pretend to be Seven? Why use your Jedi mind trick to get her to apply for membership in our club? Why do any of this?”
His tone calms the rabid wolf inside me. I’ve always opened up to Doc about everything. He’s one of my best friends, more like a brother, and I know he only wants the best for me. So I take my time to form an answer, instead of just spouting off to make him leave me alone.
I lean back in my chair and lift my hands to run over my shaved head, and then hunch forward to place my elbows on my desk, blowing out a breath. “I’ve always been a Dominant. Since the night I lost my virginity, it’s just always been something inside me. Shit, maybe even before that. I always had to be in control. I’ve told you all this crap before, Doc. Napoleon Complex, or whatever the fuck they wanted to call it when I was young. It’s always been there. And then Vi came along. And she was so sweet, so goddamn innocent. I didn’t want that dark part of me to touch her light. I didn’t want to risk dimming her in any way. Instead, I wanted her light to rub off on me.
“And it was easy. It was so fucking easy to just put that Dominant part of myself on the back burner, way, way far away from her, so it never dulled her. I mean, it still came out in other, much more subtle ways. In my protectiveness, and yes, in bed. I was never her Dom, nor her my submissive, but there were still hints of it. The way she always wanted me to be in control, and the way I took over, gladly. The roughness I tried to hold back, but she would do little things to egg me on.” I pause, trying to gather my thoughts to see just where I’m going with this.
“But then you saw her here,” he prompts, and I meet his eyes.
“I’ve watched her for a decade. I’ve kept tabs on her, making sure she was okay, even after all this time. I hated her, all while I continued to love her. God only knows what your psychology has to say about that shit,” I murmur, scrubbing my face with my hands.
“My psychology says that you feel like you made a mistake. You had told yourself that her cheating on you was a deal breaker. No matter how much you loved her, you forced yourself to believe that if she were to do that one terrible thing, no matter what, you would leave her. No trying to work things out. Not trying to forgive her. That was it. And after all this time, you regret sticking to your guns,” he replies, and I can’t really argue with him there.
“When I followed her that day and I saw her come into our club, our motherfucking BDSM club,” I scoff, “I cannot even begin to explain the emotions I went through. I don’t think half of them even have a name. She had been my woman. Mine. I had wanted to share this side with her so badly but didn’t because I didn’t want to tarnish her. She was so perfect, so shiny and clean. I didn’t want to dirty her with all this. And then there she was, ten years later, walking in here all on her own. Under no one’s influence. It was something she wanted to do.”
“Yes, she did,” he agrees with a nod.
“Why, Doc? Why did she want to come here? Why did she suddenly start writing books about the very lifestyle I tried to hide from her?” My voice is almost pleading.
“I don’t know yet, Corb. But I have a feeling we’ll know sooner rather than later.”
THIS TIME, IT’S my red with yellow roses legging-covered knee that bounces nervously as Dr. Walker takes his seat across from me after shutting the door behind us. And this time, I speak up before we get started for the day.
“Dr. Walker, if your plan is to pick up where we left off in my life’s time line… I should warn you…” My voice cracks and I have to clear my throat. “…I’ve never once told another person on this entire planet what I’m prepared to share with you today. And after seeing what happened when I told you about the happiest time in my life, I can only imagine what will happen telling you about the worst.”
“What do you need, Vivian? What do you think will make this easier for you?” he asks, and his tone is soothing, caring, not patronizing in the least.
“Would you mind sitting with me again? I know it might be silly, but you seem less threatening when you’re closer, rather than over there being able to scrutinize me. Which seems backward, and—”
“Vivian,” he interrupts, as he gets up from his chair and folds his ridiculously tall frame onto the couch cushion beside me. “Always, always tell me if there is something I can do to make our sessions less stressful for you. Understand?” His voice is commanding yet gentle, and I nod, a promise to do as he says.
He glances at his notes, flips to a clean page, and then meets my eyes. “When we left off, your ex-husband had just gotten deployed. When you’re ready, continue there.”
I look down into my lap, and a feeling of being uncomfortably exposed overwhelms me. Will I be able to do this? I came here, determined to tell him the truth, to reveal all my secrets. Will I be able to force the words out?
I slide my feet out of my flip-flops, pull them up onto the leather couch, and spin in place, leaning my back up against the armrest of the couch, so Dr. Walker and I are now facing each other. My folded legs create a wall between us as I peek at him over the tops of my knees, and then I focus my attention on one of the yellow roses on my leggings. That rose, the one on my right knee, slightly off-centered, framed by its red background. I’ll tell that rose my story.
When I begin to speak, my voice is low, monotone. “My best friend, Sierra, and her husband lived in a townhouse-style apartment. They had a roommate—Alan. It was a three-bedroom apartment. The third one was Sierra and Todd’s son’s room. I was friends with Alan. I spent a lot of time getting to know him because I hung out with Sierra there at the apartment. When we found out we both needed a credit in the same class at our community college, we took it the same semester, so we could help each other study. Corbin was deployed, so I used the opportunity to take as many semester hours as humanly possible, to get as many out of the way while he was gone as I could. It helped keep me busy, less time to sit around and miss him.”
A blanket of sadness folds around me, remembering how badly I missed Corbin while he was gone. It was like a piece of me was gone too, as if he’d reached in, stolen my heart, and taken it with him. I was miserable without him, and add that to the worry I felt constantly with my soul mate overseas, fighting a war I really didn’t know anything about or why we were even over there to begin with….
“Todd’s best friend lived in the same apartment complex, and he was getting deployed the following day. So, they were throwing him a goodbye party. Sierra invited me, wanting to get me out of the house. At this time, I lived in a little one-bedroom apartment across town, closer to my parents. I didn’t really know anyone who would be there. Todd and his best friend were in a different platoon than Corbin, so it was a totally different crowd. But Sierra would be there, of course, and so would Alan. So I went.”
I lean backward slightly over the armrest, cracking my back. It’s something I do in my office chair when I’m writing, when I’m about to tell a part of the story that will devastate the reader. But instead of having a keyboard to place my fingers on, I slide them into my hair at my temples until my hands rest firmly against my scalp, and I brace my elbows on top of my knees. I lose focus on the one yellow rose and stare through the gap between my thighs, zeroing in on the piping of the leather cushion I’m sitting on, how it has a three-inch space between it and the piping of the cushion Dr. Walker occupies. I talk to that cavity, hoping my words will somehow fall between the couch cushions, never to be found again, so I’ll forget it ever happened.
“Corbin had once told me this story… the saddest story I’d ever heard. He and a girlfriend from high school went to a fair, and they’d gotten super drunk using fake IDs. They’d gone back to her house and passed out. When he woke up the next morning, she had thrown up in her sleep and suffocated on her vomit. She was dead, right there in the bed with him. Seeing how I grew up with no alcohol in my parents’ house, I had never been around people drinking before. This story… it scared me. The impression it made on me… at the time, it made me think t
hat even a sip of beer would intoxicate a person, and they wouldn’t be safe alone,” I explain, glancing up into Dr. Walker’s eyes long enough to see he’s watching me closely, before my eyes move back to the crevice.
“Sierra and Todd’s son, Alaric, was with Todd’s parents for the night, and they were taking full advantage of the night out. Alan had a ton to drink too, and he was ready to go home before Sierra and Todd were. I didn’t drink—back then, at least—so I was sober, witnessing all their laughter, their stumbling around, their slurred words. I saw Alan heading for the door to leave Todd’s friend’s apartment, so I told Sierra I was going to make sure he got home okay. I don’t even know if she registered my words as she and Todd were doing shots when I hollered to her over the music. But I hurried after Alan, wanting to be there to help him down the flights of concrete steps.”
I close my eyes and rub my forehead. I… I don’t—
“Vivian, take a breath.” Dr. Walker’s commanding voice cuts through my panic, and I realize I’m crying, tears spilling down my cheeks rapidly, and my whole body is trembling. My head shakes vigorously as I open my eyes to meet his, trying to convey I can’t. I can’t do as he said and take a breath. My lungs aren’t working. My brain’s signal for them to inhale is being rerouted. My hand shoots out toward him, reaching for him in my terror that I feel like I’m suffocating. Help me, my eyes plead, and that’s when he moves.
