And so the caring dreams had changed… had become stories of insensitivity and abused power fueled by her fears of inadequacy. In their life she had searched for covert pressures… persuasions with which she might be intimidating her new friend; she found none. She grasped for ways to affirm Maryl’s control in their day-to-day living, and finally — slowly, she had seen the trust return. Yet the dreams had stayed.
Diana had finally realized that the dreams sprang from the fact that she ‘owned’ the woman. The tradition which allowed her to own a malá and her services combined with Diana’s desires created a situation in which Maryl had no options, just as if Diana had truly been a man of Maryl’s society. If Diana pressed, Maryl would have had no recourse.
Diana’s shame at creating the situation — maintaining the situation — had haunted her while her rational mind spoke of the social limits with which they both struggled. The truth was that Diana n’Athena had stepped so close to her personal line of integrity that she feared she had crossed it.
Diana opened her eyes. Dear Goddess, had she unwittingly walked into that situation again? Or this time had she arrogantly assumed she could master the nuances and prevent the terror, and all the while she was forgetting that there were so many ways to abuse power.
Mechanically she added the tea to the boiling water. She sat down with a bump and crossed her legs wearily. Had she truly broken her pledge never to put another in that position?
Covering her eyes, Diana sighed. They had been up with the sun, were averaging twenty-six leagues a day, and they hadn’t crossed a sign of humans — all too much time for thinking.
“Di’nay…?” Dressed in black underknits, Elana stood barefooted behind her.
Diana shook her head clear, pulling the tea from the fire. “I did not mean to wake you. Why don’t you go back to sleep? Daybreak won’t be long in coming.”
Then, stepping nearer, Elana knelt behind the Amazon and wrapped her bare arms around the woman’s shoulders, hugging her protectively. She murmured, her mouth near Di’nay’s ear, “We both need sleep. That doesn’t mean we can.”
Diana surrendered with a sigh and leaned her head back into the welcoming shoulder. If the Goddess could only let some things be simple. The trembling in her body faded gradually as Elana’s breath warmed her cheek and her arms cradled her.
“Tell me of this ghost that haunts you.”
Diana’s head lifted, and her hands covered the hugging arms almost as if to ensure their embrace. She drew a breath, staring into the depths of the night. Not far off the hill dropped away, and the stars shimmered, silhouetting the mountains’ wall that rose in the North. She felt very close to the Mother here, if she would just let go of her fears and high-handed expectations.
“Have you ever seen a woman attacked?” Diana murmured softly.
“Through the Seers,” Elana replied just as quietly.
“Have you ever seen her intimidated by the threat of it?”
Elana’s arms tightened. She was not deceived by the use of pronouns. “You speak of Maryl.”
A disbelieving laugh died shortly. “Do you ever miss anything?”
Elana smiled and pressed a kiss against the feathered brown hair.
“I created a situation — it wasn’t right.”
“You did not attack her,” Elana reminded her. “We are not always responsible for the situations we find ourselves in — only for what we do once there.”
“I paid money for her. I was responsible for that exchange.”
“You did what was necessary,” Elana countered softly. “If you had not paid, the Dracoon’s men would have followed you.”
“It was not right.”
“It was unfortunate,” Elana murmured, remembering much of Maryl’s disclosure before and during the birthing… and much more that the Sight had shown her. “You can not change the ways of Aggar, Di’nay. Even the Council must work across generations and generations of people for change.”
“But,” her head lowered as she breathed her fears, “was that why I bought her?”
Gently Elana’s cheek pressed Di’nay’s as she quietly, distinctly prodded, “The question is, Diana n’Athena, if you had known of her reluctance, would you still have paid?”
“I couldn’t — leave her there,” Diana stammered brokenly. “She — they — she was almost beaten to death.”
“The Fates set the game in motion and the players choose their alliance.”
Diana’s brow knit in confusion, but she was listening.
“You did what was necessary,” Elana repeated. “There was no evil in your choice. And desires?” She shrugged, thinking again of Maryl. “You hid them well. Maryl feared you might be attracted to her, but your respect for her limits led her to have faith in your friendship… and in her own worth.”
“In truth?” Diana’s breath caught in her throat.
She hugged the Amazon nearer, their cheeks touching as she said, “In truth.”
Diana’s brown eyes closed as she leant back in Elana’s grasp, the aching in her head soothed and her body warmed. Perhaps now the nightmares would finally leave her?
She recognized the scent the night breeze stirred as the subtle fragrance of the woman holding her. Perhaps not.
“I am not Maryl,” Elana whispered fiercely, courageous in her outrage. Releasing Di’nay to face her, she said, “I am Elana, Shadow of Council and Keep, here by choice.” Tenderly her hand touched the wind-bronzed cheek of the Amazon. “I do not shy from your grasp, Di’nay. Please — do not see another in me….”
She would have to be blind to do that, Diana thought, cherishing the sight of her as her skin was touched by gold from the fire’s light and her dark tresses were unruly wisps about her face. The shimmering, dancing blueness of her eyes was spellbinding. The soft angles of her face… the almost upward lift of her nose… dear Goddess, she was beautiful. Diana’s eyes rested, mesmerized by the full, half-parted lips that were tensed just slightly at their corners. She could almost taste their softness. A warning bell clamored somewhere — far off in her mind, but drawn by the beauty, Diana leaned nearer — slowly. Aware of every nuance of the woman before her, she gave her every chance to withdraw. She was amazed; the light fingers against her cheek were steady and Elana did not retreat.
Her amazement was eclipsed as her eyes shut… their lips met… molding perfectly… the melting warmth reaching. Subtly she moved… skin rubbing skin… igniting a satiny friction — begging a response.
Frightened that the sensitive sharing might halt — Elana dared to return the exploring touch. Skimming… grasping… meeting Di’nay’s every move, she leaned into the kiss — and lost her partner.
Questioningly her blue eyes flew open. Di’nay studied her with an intensity that obliterated her Sight’s decipherings.
“I can’t tell if you’ve done this,” Diana said cautiously. Her heart pounded with a ferocity that she had forgotten it could possess. This feeling could not be hers only, could it?
“Never this,” Elana breathed. Oh Mother, no one had ever spoken of this….
She’s not Maryl, Diana’s mind echoed. In one fluid, careful motion she gathered Elana into her arms and lowered her to the ground. There was not a single protest uttered. Elana’s hands slid about her. The warmth of her arms penetrated Diana’s tunic — a fiery touch — a possessive pull that dissolved the distance between Diana and the soft body.
With infinite tenderness Diana kissed her again. Her soft, brushing lips tingling nerves as she held her breath.
Elana gasped. Di’nay’s mouth paused, hovering so near. Elana’s arms tightened, urging, and the subtle touch returned. So light…so fine… so attuned to the other they shared the sweet, breathless intensity.
What was she doing?! Diana’s mouth pulled free. Goddess no!
“No…!!” Elana cried, clutching Di’nay as her world tore apart, “…nooo!” Anguished, retched in disbelief, eyes squeezed shut as Elana buried her face against the w
oman she held so tightly.
Diana rolled quickly, pulling Elana with her. “Hush. It’s all right.” With gentle strokes she smoothed the tousled hair.
“What — is — wrong?!” Elana pleaded, choking through her tears. She didn’t understand. She just didn’t understand!
“Nothing,” Diana soothed, misinterpreting her cry. “You didn’t do anything — nothing happened. It’s all right — ”
Elana shook her head, protesting, her body racking with this utter coldness. “Please… what… ?”
“Shh.” Diana held her, aching inside with her own hurt — her own stupidity. “It’s my fault — not yours, little one. Shhh… it’s all right. It’s over — it won’t happen again. Hush….”
Elana’s eyes shut tighter against the cruelty as her body shook. Di’nay’s words from an earlier night rose unbidden. “…Wanting is not the same thing as loving.” Even if one of you is loving? She questioned herself desperately. Even then?
Stop it! Stop it, Elana commanded her body. This was not acceptable of Blue Sight or Shadow. She was not a little girl with time for such selfish indulgences. If she loved this woman, then allow her respect and support for her values. Neither Mistress nor Seer had ever said the path would be easy; it was truly time to stop expecting it to be so! “…beg your patience.” Elana rolled away and sat upright.
Diana sat up. She was careful not to touch the woman as she repeated, “You did nothing, Ona.”
Elana laughed bitterly at the childhood name. It certainly seemed appropriate, and then another fear came rushing in. “We still have our truce, yes?”
“Yes — certainly.”
She was lying, Elana realized. It shot through her like a fiery dart. The wall was back. For three — four days, it had been banished into some oblivion. But now it was back. She ached, feeling the emptiness.
“It will be light soon,” Elana asserted, glancing at the moonless sky. “If you would bring some fresh water, I’ll start breakfast. We can be in Black Falls before eventide, if we push.”
Diana stared at the tear-streaked face in silence. She had no idea where they went from here. Breakfast sounded somewhat anti-climatic, but it was the best proposal available. She got to her feet.
† † †
Part Two
Finding the Way
Chapter One
Morning drifted into afternoon as the two women rode on to Black Falls. A winged figure caught Elana’s eye and she looked overhead, not really hopeful. She hadn’t seen the eitteh since the day they had parted at Colmar. She suspected the animal had satisfied its curiosity concerning humans and had returned to the forest’s depths. It would not change things if she were here, Elana regretfully admitted — not what she truly wished changed.
“When did you last see Black Falls?” Diana asked quietly.
Elana thought sadly that after so many hours of bleak silence the mundane question was not much of a peace-offering. “I have not seen Black Falls or my parents since I was four and more tenmoons — at age nine years by Imperial reckoning?”
Diana nodded, frowning. “Would you be more comfortable staying at the Inn?”
“No, it would insult their hospitality. Besides, my parents will be eager to meet you. It’s a rare chance for them. Most Shadows never return home after lifebonding. They will be most curious to see who I protect.”
“It sounds as if they’re very proud of you.” Diana could not make sense of a family that sent a nine-year-old child away.
“I expect so.” Elana smiled with genuine fondness. “Last letter invited me to Alonz’ wedding next spring. So I know I’m still very much thought of.”
“And who is Alonz?”
“My foster brother. I’ve never actually met him. They took him in five — no, six seasons after I left. He’s celebrating his ninth tenmoon this winter. Mother writes that Papa is very pleased with him, but I suspect she is just as proud considering it was her doing they adopted him. I understand he’s very capable in the smithy.”
Diana raised an eyebrow. “Your father too is a smithy?”
“Did you really think my parents too poor to raise me, Di’nay?”
Diana shrugged uncomfortably.
Elana laughed and Diana could not help smiling. The cheerful sound eased some of her silent aching. “My father owns the Smith Shop in Black Falls. He deals in both glass and metals. Mother is a sorceress when it comes to molding glass — the colors she binds! The King even commissioned a piece for his last son’s blessing.”
“A little before my time. How many brothers and sisters have you, Elana?”
Elana’s dark head moved regretfully. “None. I was first born. Mother’s second was a complicated miscarriage. As hard as they tried, she never conceived again.”
Something didn’t fit. “Why did they give you up then?”
“They had little choice.” Her blue eyes sparkled as she glanced at her puzzled companion. She took pity. “I am the eldest child of two trainees, Di’nay.”
Trainees became Shadows, didn’t they? “I still don’t understand.”
“My parents were training at the Keep. When they fell in love, they decided upon a different course and came to Black Falls.”
“The Council did not demand you from them, did they?”
“No!” She chuckled at the outrageousness of the idea. “They were both lovers of adventure, Di’nay. They both dreamed and desired to wander. Certainly that desire was finally tempered by age. Perhaps, it was less strong in them than some, since they did come so to love each other and their life in Black Falls. But their children would be born with the same desire for adventure. That is why I’m not a Seer — I could never be content to sit and watch…to live vicariously.”
She spoke as if adventuring were a genetic trait, Diana thought sourly. “Surely one could travel, could explore without giving up your identity? Or your family?”
Elana repeated softly, “Giving away my identity?” Was that what Di’nay saw? She shook her head slowly, “No, I have not done that. There are many who dream of wandering — of strange peoples and new things; there are just as many lost in the responsibilities and ties of home. Most wait and hope, looking for the single opportunity that may never come. But being a Shadow… to train for that time… to be in that moment when the Fates choose the players… to grasp destiny! This has always been my identity. Truly, to stay with my parents would have been to rob me of it.”
Diana looked down, rearranging the reins. So much of what Elana said was true for herself too — described her driving need to qualify, so many years ago, as an Amazon. None of that made it any more sane, she thought miserably. It just made the flashing blue eyes and the wind-tousled hair more attractive — dangerously more attractive. There was so much that could be shared — so much that such kindred souls could grasp. Even at home few would embrace such — freedom. It was a spirit, not an understanding. She is of Aggar, Diana rebuked herself sternly. I am of another, infinitely more different culture than any she has ever dreamed of.
I could not leave her, if I became involved. Diana blinked suddenly against tears. Never to see Home again? Her soul would die; it was so weary now. And her heart would shred if she left alone… unless she left soon.
“Di’nay?” Elana spoke with quiet concern, her hand reaching across to cover a gloved one. Silent agony wrapped around Elana like a mourning cloak. Anxiously she studied the tense profile. “Are you all right?”
“I was just thinking of home,” Diana finally managed. It was partly true.
“When did you last see your family?” Elana asked gently, withdrawing her hand. The wall was securely in place again; she honored the insistence of distance.
“Briefly, just before coming to Aggar. This is the longest I’ve been away.”
“When did you first leave?”
“I became an Amazon not quite two seasons before you left Black Falls.”
“Tell me about your choice?” Elana was worried about this mela
ncholy air of Di’nay’s. “You said you ‘became’ an Amazon. Are not all your Sisters Amazons?”
“No.” Diana glanced at her, smiling wryly. Somehow she knew that she could trust Elana with her Sisters’ secrets. “Not at all, although it’s not common knowledge in the Empire. An Amazon is a bit different from most Sisters. We wish to protect our world by venturing forth into the Imperial Realm. In doing this, we preserve our galactic treaty by visibly mingling with and dutifully serving with the militia, usually as cultural liaisons. We personify the stereotype.”
“I do not understand.”
“We are exactly what the Terrans expect of us — tall, strong, somewhat imposing — more handsome than beautiful… and always short haired.” Diana chuckled. “There are a few on record who are slender, ravishing beauties, but very few.”
“But why?”
“Defense. Your Council does not publicize those with the Blue Sight?”
Elana nodded attentively.
“My Sisters do not choose to publicize our variations either.”
“But the outward appearance is not what we hide. It is the power of the Seers that we are shielding, not the color of their eyes.”
Diana said, “We protect ourselves by presenting power. You’ve met Thomas — who would intimidate him more? An army of women like myself? Or a mixed lot of women like your Mistress and — oh, Szori?”
Elana laughed. “You, naturally.”
“If we are seen as aggressive and strong, our planetary rights are not so often challenged. It also helps our Sisters who work secretly within the Terran Empire. They are less apt to be discovered merely because they do not look like Amazons.”
“What do your Sisters typically look like then?”
Diana shrugged. “What does any woman look like? Tall, small, slender, voluptuous, long hair — short hair… we’re no different. Well, maybe sometimes a little stronger or perhaps intellectually quicker, because of the environment and the gene selection. But we are simply women.”
Shadows of Aggar (Amazons of Aggar) Page 20
