by Claire Adams
“No.” My mother laughed. “I am reading one of those self-help books. I have many of them whose spines have never been cracked. I am a little behind but I am reading. Falling asleep without the help of gin is taking some getting used to.” My mother gave me an apologetic grin.
“Yeah. God job, Mom. I think I could use some of those books myself.” I threw down my bag.
“I cleaned your sheets, Jenna. I guess it is none of my business, but I’m still your mother. It is my business to know things. Why aren’t you with the professor?”
“The professor’s name is Ryder and I don’t want to discuss it right now. I’m here to work on your jungle out back. Can you let me focus on that?” I asked firmly.
“I will try and respect that, Jenna. I made rosemary chicken for dinner. Can you believe I actually used the conventional oven? I had to read the users-manual and it probably tastes like dog shit but I tried it. Speaking of dog shit, I have to take Potato for a walk.”
“I am sure it’s edible. The house didn’t burn down, which is a good sign. Mom, I do have one question.”
“Okay. What is it, Jenna?” my mother asked.
“Why are you wearing a skirt to make dinner and take the dog for a walk? It wouldn’t be odd, but you are normally in sweats.”
“Because I never know who I will run in to. Have you seen Mr. Simmons lately? The man is getting in shape again. I’m just testing the waters—I’m not dead yet.” My mother smiled as she walked out the door.
I noticed Ryder’s lights go on as I set the table for dinner. I pulled closed the curtain so as not to keep an eye on him. It was my intention to have dinner with my mother, which was a rare event. I decided to try to sleep and approach the next day with a positive attitude. I had forgotten how to set a proper table. For years, my father was too ill to eat at the table and then my mother drank at dinner alone. Ryder’s house was the last place I had eaten a home cooked meal.
My thoughts wandered back to the first night we ate together on his backyard patio. I hardly knew him, but the feelings were strong. It was the night I gave him a blowjob. It seemed like a long time ago. Back then, it was merely an infatuation, and now it was so much more. If he had not thrown up a roadblock, I would have been with him on that night. Perhaps we would have finally finished watching a movie—but probably not.
My mother snapped me back to the present when she walked in the door. Although, it wasn’t a walk at all; it was a skip. Potato hobbled in behind her. They both appeared out of breath.
“Good walk, Mom? If I’m not mistaken you seem to have broken a sweat.”
“I had a great walk. Claude Simmons was out for his jog, which he made into a brisk walk when he saw Potato and me. We started to chat. The man is very funny and he tells a great joke, which I think is a dying art. Tomorrow, I am back to sweat pants.”
“You have great legs Mom. Why cover them up? As we age, we should know our assets and show them off,” I said.
“First of all, Jenna, you know nothing about aging yet. Secondly, I am taking a jog with Claude Simmons. I may even head down to the discount store and pick up a new pair of appropriate pants.” My mom smiled.
Finally, a diversion from my obsession with Ryder.
“You are not going to a discount store Mom. We are heading to the mall to hook you up with the latest athleisure-wear and we will drop the cruller from your head. I have no idea why you have worn you hair the same since I was a little girl. I knew you had it in you.”
“It’s not an official date, Jenna. It’s just a jog.”
“It’s more than I have on my weekend agenda. Let’s eat some chicken”
It was a chore to nibble through my mother’s chicken. Despite her giant and obvious flaws, she was trying. I excused myself from the table, leaving the dishes until the morning. The night view from the sink was similar to the one on the toilet upstairs. I could not bear to watch Ryder.
I made it up to bed and skipped the shower out of Ryder avoidance. My sleep sucked. Knowing Ryder was next door and couldn’t see me for an unexplained reason caused me to toss and turn the entire night. I started to think the reason for his retreat was cancer. We never talked about his disease in detail. I was clueless about when he received treatment or how often. It was morose, but I almost wished it was his cancer. In a way, it would be less hurtful than another woman would. Cancer was only one of the scenarios I played through my head. It was a long night.
****
Finally, the sun peaked through my blinds. I could hear my mother from the kitchen. If things worked out with Claude Simmons, I would be happy for her. There would be at least one Walsh woman getting lucky. I sighed and made my way to the kitchen.
“You are up early Mom. What’s the occasion?” I said.
My mother was doing the dinner dishes from the night before, which was out of character.
“Let me do the dishes. I always do the dishes—which usually entails throwing away the plastic trays or fast food containers.”
“No, Jenna. I will do the dishes.”
My mother was insistent on doing the chore, which she hated. She even physically pushed me away from the sink.
“What the hell Mom? Are you spying on Ryder for me?” I said jokingly.
I walked to the sink and looked out the window. What I saw was shocking, especially at 7:30 in the morning. In Ryder’s yard, a woman was playing with a young boy. Ryder was walking out of his home carrying two cups of coffee. It looked ideal, as everyone was smiling and laughing.
“Wow. Are you enjoying this Mom? The perfect family has moved in next-door.”
“I left your relationship with the professor up to you, Jenna. You said yourself that there were things you were still discovering about Ryder.”
“It sounds as if you have seen that woman before. Have you?” I asked.
“She is there about every other weekend. Sometimes I just see the boy. They look like a happy family, Jenna, and I didn’t say anything because it is something you had to see for yourself.”
“What I see is sickening. Ryder was dreaming to think I wouldn’t find out. You are his next-door neighbor and of course you would see him and report back to me.”
My mom was glad that the coffin of our relationship was being nailed shut. She also felt pity for me as a woman. No one deserved to find out that a man was cheating. Seeing it with my own eyes was a gut punch.
“Mom, I am going to go lay down. I’m afraid our trip to the mall will have to wait. Have a great time on your jog with Claude. I am beyond embarrassed and if you say I told you so, I’ll hit ya – I might kill you.”
I pounded up the stairs. I paused between my bedroom door and the bathroom. I chose the bathroom with a clear view of Ryder’s house and yard. I sat on the toilet, cracked open the clouded window and sobbed. I had a front row seat to Ryder and his companion’s frolic on the lawn below.
The woman was probably Ryder’s age, if not a bit older. She was taller than I was at about 5’8”. Compared to my 5’3”, she was an amazon. She had blonde-hair like me, but it was short. She was very fit and strong and looked as if she were an athlete – maybe a golfer. Ryder had mentioned Robin Wright from Princess Bride and House of Cards as his Hollywood crush. She resembled her.
The boy was younger than my nephew, who served as my measuring stick. He was between seven and nine. They had set up a mini Frisbee golf course on the lawn, which looked like fun. The trio seemed very comfortable together as though they had been acquainted for a very long time. Ryder had been lying for a while. This was not a one-night stand.
I began to have a panic attack. I called Sayler and went to search my mother’s cupboards for a container of frosting.
Chapter Five
I put my phone on speaker as I rifled through my mother’s pantry for some sugar-laden goo. The shelves were filled with processed food and a bevy of outdated items. I became distracted with the task of cleaning it out. I pulled the trashcan close to me and tossed tuna, kidney bea
ns, envelopes of soup mix, crackers, and other sundries. Much of the stuff was close to ten-years old. It was too old for the food-drive and there was quite a bit of molded stuff that I was unable to identify. I finally came across a can of Betty Crocker’s finest – double chocolate supreme. My mom probably bought it to frost store bought cupcakes when I was a child. She had forgotten it, along with most everything else during those years. Finally, Sayler answered my call. I had to leave four messages before she picked up. I knew she would pick up when curiosity got the best of her.
“Okay. Clearly, you need to talk to your BFF. I’m surprised that you remembered my number,” Sayler said with a touch of bitterness.
“Speed dial,” I quipped.
“Good thing for that. So what’s up?”
“I know you think that I am calling you now that I need some rescuing. And, it’s true. Will you come to my mom’s house? I’m a complete wreck as I sit here eating frosting from the tub with a spoon.”
“I guess. Get another spoon ready. I’ll bring along a couple of pints of ice cream for back-up and a box of wine if you need it.”
“Let yourself in,” I said as I dug into my frosting.
****
I sat in the kitchen waiting for Sayler. I tried to avoid peering out the window, but I could hear giggles and laughs emanating from Ryder’s yard. It was tortuous so I flipped on my mother’s sound system. It wasn’t my musical taste but it helped drown out the joyous sounds next-door. My mom preferred country music so I listened to Tim McGraw, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley and others whom I wasn’t familiar with.
“Hey, Jenna. You don’t look so bad—although I don’t get the country music. Is that something Ryder has gotten you into?” Sayler arrived. She was not up to date regarding Ryder and me, but she clearly knew something was amiss.
I pointed to the window in the kitchen.
“Look outside and you will see. It’s my Ryder, or at least I thought he was mine, and another woman and a kid. They are playing house for the weekend right under my nose,” I said.
“I have some catching up to do. I see Ryder and he is…hot. He looks younger than thirty-three. I can see why you sucked his dick. He looks yummy.” She turned to face me. “Okay, so I need you to catch me up. I know that he is your professor and that you had a planned to continue your relationship, plus it was to be kept a secret, and it was all hunky dory.”
“Yeah, Sayler, I thought it was great. The age factor is a non-issue and we were learning to deal with keeping everything on the down-low,” I said. I paused to open a pint of coffee ice cream and I squirted it with some fudge out of a squeeze bottle.
“Well, Jenna, what the hell happened to this nirvana that you guys created?”
“You’re looking at it, Sayler. Heaven has rapidly disintegrated into hell. Ryder surprised me with the fact that he was unable to see me this weekend and he gave no explanation. I come to my mom’s house and see him with some chick and a brat. He has probably been leading this double life since the beginning. He seems to be comfortable with the woman, and especially the kid with whom he is very affectionate.”
“Have you had sex with the guy?”
“No, not really. Just oral sex. Outside of the bedroom, I thought we had really bonded since we expressed our feelings towards one another.”
“Has he used the “L” word?” Sayler asked.
“No, but it is definitely implied. We haven’t had to say it. Now, I feel like a fool for even thinking it.”
“Hold on Jenna, Let me grab the wine. What time is it?” Sayler asked.
“Too early to drink, so pour me a big glass,” I said.
“Did he give any hint that he may be cheating or have an entire family?” Sayler pounded her glass of white wine and pulled the spout to pour another.
“He was secretive when we first started seeing each other. I found out what I thought was his big secret—he has cancer.”
Sayler was shocked. “He has fucking cancer? When did you find out about this tiny morsel of information?”
“It was about a week ago. I happened upon his stash of medications, which I knew from my father’s ordeal, that they were cancer drugs. I don’t know if he is in the late stages of recovery or the early stages of death,” I said to a stupefied Sayler. She had been my friend for most of my life and I knew she did not shock easily.
“Jenna, I think he feels trapped and he is fucking scared that his time is running out. You are young and the whole secretive thing is probably a distraction. He is trying to soak up as much sex and companionship as he can get. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can hardly blame him,” Sayler said.
“Bitch. I am looking for a shoulder to cry on. You are taking Ryder’s side?”
“Relax, Jenna. I’m not taking sides. I think you should be talking to Ryder and not me.”
“Okay Sayler,” I said sarcastically. “Why don’t I walk over to him and his sweetie and apologize for intruding but I just wanted to say hello. Why don’t I throw together some of my mom’s outdated food and make them a casserole?”
“There’s an idea, but why don’t we just have another drink instead? Your mom’s garden, if that’s what she calls the mess of weeds out back, needs attention. I say we hit the project and you can take out some of your aggressions.”
“You suggest I face my problems head on?” I asked.
“We will be in full view of Ryder. It’s not like you to hide. Let’s get dirty.”
It sounded like a plan. “I will pull on a pair of jeans. Pick out some killer tunes. We’ll get good and dirty.”
I went to my room to change. I was awash in the effects of the wine and void of my inhibitions, which meant I checked my common sense at the door. The sun was shining so I skipped the jeans for a pair of short-shorts. I thought back to my kayak adventure at the lake with Ryder. I had worn a similar outfit. I dug around in my drawer for a white tank top from junior high. It was the perfect fit—two sizes too small.
****
In the garden, I found Sayler already hard at work. It was difficult not to look over the fence into Ryder’s yard but I used restraint. Sayler was sitting among the dying vines and the rotting tomatoes.
“Grab a five gallon bucket from the shed,” she directed me. “We need a place to put these tomatoes, otherwise the seeds will make a forest of seedlings next year. It sounds great, but it’s a mess, and most of the plants won’t produce fruit,” Sayler said. She always enjoyed my mother’s garden and had developed quite a green thumb.
“It’s hot for this time of year. I think you could use some cooling off.”
I sprayed Sayler with the hose. She threw a decomposing tomato at my head and it turned into an all-out war. The zucchini came into play, all we needed was some pasta, and we would have made a great meal. We were both soaking wet. If Ryder noticed, he would have seen my white wet shirt. I was subconsciously recreating our afternoon in the rain.
Sayler giggled. “Truce. We are a mess, Jenna. Do you feel better?”
“I feel great.”
We didn’t get a lot of work done but we accomplished what we set out to do. I had forgotten about Ryder for a few minutes until we heard his voice from across the fence.
“Come on son, let’s go inside and grab some lunch,” Ryder said to the little boy.
A simple three-letter word sent me into a tailspin and immediately sobered me up. I had thought my fit was bad before. As I had emptied the golf clubs all over my dorm room, I did to my mother’s kitchen drawers as I stomped inside and Sayler followed. Cutlery went flying and a whisk hit Sayler in the face. The silver, which was never used, lay on the floor. I wadded up cheap paper towels as I had in the high school bathroom and threw them to the ceiling.
“Well, I see you are reverting back into a child. You have given new meaning to the tantrum.” Sayler concealed her laughter. She thought my antics were funny but she refused to give into my juvenile behavior.
I was wet and embarrassed, standing in my mothe
r’s kitchen, which I had destroyed.
“I look pathetic huh?” I said.
“Yeah. Well, now we know for sure that Rydy-Pooh has been hiding a family. That is his kid and we probably saw his wife or baby-mama earlier. The truth hurts, especially when we can’t do anything about it.”
“I hate it when you’re right Sayler. It’s not often. I wish it was never because this one hurts.”
We started to pick up my mother’s kitchen, which was a mess. The yard was not much better as it had been our battlefield for the tomato war.
“Sayler, I just didn’t think this would happen to me. I had my eyes wide open,” I said.
“Not wide enough. He took advantage of you. He played you like a cello.”
“What if it was his sister? I know she has a daughter and maybe she has a son too. That would make perfect sense,” I said. I was grasping at straws.
“Who calls their nephew son and why would he keep a date with his sister secretive?” Sayler answered.
“I guess I owe it to Ryder to tell him I know the truth.”
Sayler looked at me sternly. “No, Jenna. You owe it to yourself to tell him to go to fucking hell.”
“Thanks for being here when I needed you. I know Ryder’s schedule. He meets three other guys for golf every Sunday afternoon. I will be at the country club when he finishes his round and he’s in for a big surprise,” I said.
“Is it safe to leave you alone? I am afraid of which room you will tear apart after I leave.”
“I will be fine. I will have my mother cook me up something for dinner.”
“Are you high? Your mom doesn’t cook.”
“I know, but she is going through some sort of rejuvenation, renaissance, or she is just crazy. She even has her eyes on Claude the neighbor. In general, she hasn’t changed much.”
“Right. Do you think we will get that way as we age?”
“God, I hope not.” I laughed and gave Sayler a hug goodbye.
It took a couple hours to clean up. It was therapeutic in a way. I didn’t linger in front of the kitchen window, but I stole the occasional glance. I could see the lights were still on, which indicated that Ryder and the boy were still home.
