by T. Styles
I hadn’t sat them down before Kalive came out of his room, hollering and screaming. The dogs frightened him and he slammed his door shut before I could talk to him and tell him it would be okay. When I opened the door, he was on his bed, his head hidden under his blue Superman sheet. Most of his body may have been covered but I could still see the white cast on his arm.
Over the past six months, since I was back on dope, he took his anger out on me in slight ways. He would write the word ‘hate’ on the wall in red crayon. Or piss on the floor in the bathroom, only for me to wake up in the middle of the night to urine on my toes. He made it clear about how he felt about me. But it was the time he stole my dope in a halfhearted attempt to get me clean that caused us serious problems.
That day Otis left early for work and left me something in my pink toothbrush case like always. I stuffed it under the cushions of the sofa but Kalive must’ve known about my hiding place because when I woke up to take my morning hit it was gone. I spent two hours tearing the place apart when Otis finally called. “Calm down, woman. I can barely make out what you saying.”
With wild eyes staring around the apartment as I held the handset to my ear I accused him of everything under the sun. “You took my hit, you black mothafucka! You took my hit knowing I would be sick! You want me to die, don’t you? Just say it!”
“Why would I do that? Huh? Give me one reason why I would take something I gave to you? I love you, Berny.”
“If it wasn’t you than who was it?”
At that time Kalive walked out of his room, guilt spread over his face like a second skin. I knew this look well because he would steal money from Otis to buy snacks at school, wearing the same expression on his face. He knew exactly where my dope was I was certain.
With the revelation I quickly hung up on Otis and stormed in his direction. Looking down at him I held out my hand. “Give it to me, Kalive. Give it to me or I’m going to get very angry.” I could feel cool air rushing up my widened nostrils, before turning hot when I breathed out.
“I don’t have—”
I slapped him so hard his lip cracked. But unless he gave me my dope I had no intentions of stopping. “I said…give…it…to…me.”
I extended my hand and waited for him to pull my dope from wherever he’d hidden it. Instead he took two quick breaths and looked dead into my eyes. “I…don’t…have…it.”
I found it hard to understand Kalive at times. He was afraid of everyone else in the world, but me. He would act out, curse at me and even tell me he wish I wasn’t his mother. I may have been on dope but I didn’t do shit to deserve his treatment.
It’s hard to say everything that happened after he refused to give me my heroin. Maybe I choose to forget most of the things. In the end I was standing behind him, bending his arm back so far it popped out the socket. He hadn’t been a fan in years, but in that moment I am certain I lost him for good.
Could it be possible for a six year old to maintain hate for so long?
In Kalive’s case I’d have to say yes.
I walked into his room with the dogs. “They’re just puppies, Kalive. Why you scared?”
His body remained hidden. “I don’t like them! Get them out!”
I exhaled.
Fuck his punk ass!
“Well you gonna have to get over it because they live here now. Unless you gonna stay in this room forever.” I slammed his bedroom door and stormed into the living room.
I sat them on the floor and thought about my man. As I watched the puppies play I thought about Otis and Kalive’s relationship, which had blossomed.
Otis had been using heroin longer than me, so he had more moments of clarity than I did. I think during those times he would talk to Kalive, man to man and Kalive adored those moments. Otis always said he regretted never having children and he would not waste the opportunity to do the best he could for Kalive, even if he was always high.
In return Kalive worshipped him, often giving him the love I thought should’ve been reserved for me. Maybe I’m sick for having these thoughts. To weak to pull myself out of the habit but angry that there always seems to be someone waiting to pick up where I left off as his parent.
When there was another knock at the door I rushed toward it. It was a little too early for Otis to be home but maybe I was wrong. He would do that from time to time when he wanted a high or missed me. The only thing is he has a key.
I pulled the door open, with a smile on my face. But who I saw caused my bowels to loosen. Standing in front of me was Rufus. I hadn’t seen him in almost seven years.
I stumbled backwards. The air seemed to thicken making it hard to breathe.
“Aren’t you happy to see me?” He smiled, his teeth whiter than baby powder. “Because I’m happy to see you.”
My feet felt planted. As my eyes glanced over his body I saw muscular arms and a chiseled physique, like he’d been working out and taking care of himself…well. Even his skin was smooth and unconsciously I rubbed my hand over my cratered face, due to years of running down the street looking for money to buy dope, many times when the sun was at it’s highest.
“Why you touching your cheek?” He laughed, pushing my hand down. He was always so aggressive and I remembered that was one of the things that frightened me. “You still as beautiful as I remember.”
Lies. Lies.
I spread my pasty lips apart. “What…what are you doing here?”
His stance stiffened, as if I just disrespected his mother, calling her out of her name. “I came back for you and my family. Didn’t Otis tell you?”
More rumble in my gut and this time it felt like I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from defecating in my pants. “No, he…he never mentioned a word.”
“That’s funny, I told him to keep in touch with you over the years. After Jackie was murdered I knew you would need company but I guess he didn’t do that right.” He paused. “And if you’re worried if I blame you for what happened to her I don’t. This is life and shit be that way at times.”
Shit be that way at times? Shouldn’t he care I was responsible? That she died because Faye was looking for me?
It was clear that he never really cared about her, so why would I think he would care about me?
Did he know that Otis and I were a couple, or was he just baiting me like always, trying to get me to tell on myself?
So many questions.
So little time!
“Have you seen him? Otis?” His brows lowered. “Because I haven’t been able to find that fool in almost a year. After he gave me this address and said he saw you. It was right before his wife died.”
He looked at me intensely and I rushed toward the bathroom without responding. I sat on the toilet for thirty minutes, hoping that when I returned he’d be gone and that this would all be a dream. I wanted him to go on with his life and leave me with his best friend and my only confidant.
Realizing I could hide no more, I took two deep breaths, opened the door and walked toward the living room. Rufus was still there, sitting on the sofa. Only now Kalive was next to him, his knees buried in his chest because the puppies played around on the floor in front of him. Rufus was whispering something to him and I wondered was it about me, or Otis.
It had only been an hour since those dogs were here and already they took a shit in the threshold of the hallway. I walked over the pile and moved nervously toward Rufus and Kalive.
“I see you been feeding him but why didn’t you tell him about his father?” Rufus stared up at me while talking down to me like I was a child. “He said he didn’t know I existed. What kind of woman would not tell a boy about his daddy?”
I looked at Kalive and he blinked rapidly.
“Rufus, you haven’t been in his life. Ever. Didn’t even want me to have him remember? Why would I tell him about you?”
He frowned and then smiled.
He’s so creepy.
“Shit, woman, I was just jiving you. What I look
like having something as fine as you kill my seed? Huh? Of course I wanted you to have my son. I gave him to you didn’t I?” He glanced at Kalive again as if just seeing him for the first time. “He’s perfect. Looks just like me. He probably acts like me too, doesn’t he?”
Silence.
Rufus rubbed his hair roughly and Kalive backed away. I don’t think he wanted to be touched and Rufus seemed not to notice his stiff posture but I did. “What happened to his arm?”
“It broke.”
“You gotta be more careful. A child is a woman’s responsibility. Not everyone can live up to the call.” He looked at Kalive again. “What’s your name?”
“Kalive. Kalive Davenport.”
Rufus shot me a look I felt in the center of my gut. “My last name’s Miller. Why isn’t his?”
“I’ll change it next week.” I smiled, my teeth chattering. “Kalive Miller it is.”
Why doesn’t he leave us alone? Go back to jail! Please!
When the front door opened I started to run to the bathroom again when Otis walked inside. Holding a brown bag, at first he didn’t seem to notice Rufus. Kalive did, and he rushed up to him no longer caring about the pups that were now nipping at each other in the kitchen. Excited he wrapped his arms around Otis’ leg.
Otis greeted him with love, still clueless that we had company. When he finally noticed he looked as sick as I did earlier. “Rufus…you home.”
Rufus stood up and walked toward him, hands stuffed in his blue jean pockets. “Go in the room, son,” Rufus told Kalive. When he didn’t budge he plucked him in the head so hard I flinched. “I said go to your room.”
Kalive placed his hand and his cast on top of his head and ran into his room crying, the door slamming behind him.
“What are you doing here, Otis? Why you using keys to enter my woman’s place?”
Otis seemed confused, tossed up even and I thought he would lose his guts even though we both knew it was bound to happen. We talked about it last week, the day when he would get out. And there he was.
“I was seeing about her, Rufus, that’s all, blood.” Otis placed the paper bag on the floor and put a firm hand on Rufus’ shoulder. Rufus stared at it so hard Otis snatched it away as if it were on fire. “I’m just making sure the world didn’t get her and the boy. You know…like I promised.”
“So basically you fucking my bitch?”
I placed an opened hand on my belly, deciding to get into the conversation. “Rufus, we haven’t been together in—”
“Shut the fuck up, Bernice, I’m talking to a man who’s old enough to speak for himself.” Rufus stared at me and then focused on Otis. “So you been fucking her for how long?”
I don’t think Otis liked how he spoke to me. His stance was more upright and I saw a glimmer in his eyes. “Let’s just say I been fucking her long enough,” Otis responded.
Oh no! What was he doing? Rufus moved closer, so close if Otis wanted to step forward he would have to knock him over or go around him. “What did you just say?”
“I’m saying that I stayed because I had to, because I wanted to.” He stepped closer to Rufus. “If that was wrong then that’s the cross I have to bear but I’m not about to apologize. I care about Bernice, and that boy. That’s all you need to know.” He cleared his throat.
Rufus looked back at me and then at Otis again. “I knew you been fucking her.” He laughed. “Just wondered when you were gonna tell me that’s all.” He slapped him on the shoulder so hard Otis’s legs buckled. “But I’m home now.” Rufus’s tone was serious. “That means back the fuck off.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
BERNICE
The other day Rufus came home with what he said was a gift. Clutched in his palm were two large paper bags, inside two plastic ones. Happy that he thought of me after two months of living in my apartment I rushed to him, only to find them filled with cleaning products…bleach, Pine-Sol and dishwashing liquid.
The message was clear.
I spent three days getting the house clean, scrubbing walls, floors, toilets and sinks. Rufus seemed to have developed an obsession with cleanliness while locked up and some days my fingers were raw they were in so much bleach. While I scrubbed I thought about Otis and not being able to hold him at night. Rufus marked his territory quickly, and kept me in what I can only describe as an emotional prison that felt like hell.
Rufus must’ve realized how much I hated him, because he kept me doped up almost every night. I noticed that his usage wasn’t like it had been in the past. He rarely shot up, just on the weekends, or when he was home from whatever he did in the streets at night to earn money. I don’t think he would be here if Otis had not been in the picture.
He didn’t want us to be together.
I just finished cleaning when Kalive stepped out of his room. “Where them dogs?”
I sighed. After all of this time he was still scared of them. “You gonna have to get over that shit, Kalive. They just animals.” I picked them up and placed them in the bathroom. They were a pain in my ass too but two days after I got them Rufus grew attached. They were the only things happy to see him when he came home. When I told him Kalive was scared he said, “A boy can’t hold his own in the world unless he can control the inferior species.”
So they’d been here ever since.
With the pits up Kalive stepped up to me. “Ma, you got any money?”“Do I look like I got money?” I flopped on the sofa and rubbed my arms as I waited for Rufus. “Now get out my face, you bothering me.”
“You never got no money.” He pouted. “Rufus either! That’s why I hate being here. When daddy was home he—”
I leaped up and smacked him before yanking his shirt by the collar. “Rufus is your daddy, nigger! Didn’t I tell you that? If he hear you talking crazy he liable to knock the nose off your face. And then go to work on me. Otis is a good man but he’s not your dad. Remember that unless you want to die.”
“Get off me,” he said pushing my hand, although it didn’t budge.
I maintained the hold because I knew some day I wouldn’t have this power over him. He was slipping from my grasp by the day and we started to hate each other. “Don’t tell me to get off you, I’m your—”
When I heard a hacking sound outside of the window I released him and we both ran toward the window in his bedroom. We lived on the bottom floor and because the landscapers never maintained the grounds, long brush taller than a seven year old covered the windows. The only time a path was made was when Otis came over.
Over the months since Rufus put him out we would sneak around. And because Rufus didn’t pay the phone bill and it got cut off, I never knew when Otis would come unless I heard the thwack of his hatchet.
Every now and again Rufus would invite Otis over for dinner or dope, but I think he was trying to feel us out. He probably wondered if the threats he dealt us to stay away from each other worked.
They didn’t.
When I saw the wild green brush swing from left to right outside, I raised the window in Kalive’s bedroom. It took a few minutes but before long Otis came into view. Once he was there he smiled at us and tossed the hatchet on the floor and slinked inside. “Damn I miss ya’ll.” He scooped Kalive up first before sitting him down and then kissing me.
Kalive always got first dibs on his love…as usual.
“He here?” Otis asked looking at the door.
Since Rufus didn’t have a car Otis never knew if he was home. He was taking a chance each time and that’s why I loved him even more. “Nope, he went out to make some money.” I kissed him again. “But you gotta be careful, Otis. He gonna catch you one day.”
“That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.” He dug in his right pocket and handed Kalive two Hershey candy bars. “Go, eat that in the living room and be on the look out.” He rubbed his hair and Kalive, eyes wide with love obeyed.
It took a threat, a slap and punch to get him to do half of what I said around here.
Humph.
The moment the door closed Otis pulled me in his arms again and dropped to his knees. Yanking my pants down he went to work, eating me out. It didn’t matter if I was freshly bathed or if I just shit on myself, whenever I saw him he licked the kitty.
Every time.
After licking me clean he fucked me from the back, as both of us watched the door. My senses were so heightened I could probably hear Rufus in the hallway of the building before he came inside. Kalive was usually good about letting us know before Rufus caught us, but the candy and the television could have him slipping.
After Otis came inside of me I pulled my underwear and my pants up and we did a bump of heroin. It was like we were kids, hiding from my over protective father.
Except this fool was my boyfriend.
Sitting against the wall, the window over our head, I leaned on him and he put his arm around my neck. We fell into the euphoria of the heroin as time passed by. The room was deadly silent until he kissed me on the cheek. “I love you, Bernice.”
“I know…I can feel it.”
“I’m telling you again so you can understand what I have to do.”
I looked into his eyes, trying to get a clue of what was next. The last thing I wanted him to do was leave me. We talked about getting a place of our own, but Otis was too unreliable with his job to take care of me. “What you saying, Otis? Because you’re scaring me.”
He ran his calloused index finger alongside my cheekbone. “I don’t mean to but that mothafucka will never let us be together, Bernice. The only way we have a chance—you, Kalive, and me is if I kill him. Now I know he’s his father but—”
“Do it,” I said holding his hand, squeezing it so hard one of his knuckles cracked. I positioned my body so that I was in front of him. “Kill that mothafucka.” He seemed afraid, maybe I was a bit too anxious to hear the news.
He cleared his throat, reached forward and rubbed the sides of my arms. “I don’t have all of the details right now but it’s going down in the next few days. How do you think Kalive will handle it?” He stopped stroking me.
