by T. Styles
He shook his head no.
“I’ll go get something to eat and I’ll be back.” I headed toward the front door, looking back at him once before leaving.
****
I was sitting on the curb in the city, at least I believe I’m still in Washington DC, when a cop pulled up, parking his car at my feet. Two white police officers eased out, their thumbs tucked into the black leather gun belts on their hips. “Mam, what is your name?” the officer with the black hair asked.
I looked down at my fingers. “Bernice, my name is Bernice.” Afterwards I gave them my address. But I think it was my mother’s.
“Well, Bernice, can you tell us why you’ve been sitting in front of this store for two days?” The red head cop asked, while the other talked into the huge hand held walkie-talkie.
My eyes widened. “Two days? No…I…I just got here. I think.” I shook my head briskly. “I was coming to buy some food. For…for…”
Who was I buying food for?
“The store owner said you’ve been hanging around here too long. We haven’t had a chance to get here until now. Are you okay?”
I looked down at the ground, trying to recall everything. Every second brought with it a new emotion and I felt like my life was a joke, with everyone being in on the punch line but me. “I’m fine…I just have to get home.”
“Are you sure?” The black haired cop asked. “Because you seem shaken up.”
I smiled again before breaking into hysterics.
****
RUFUS
Rufus pushed the front door open, his face a sheet of sticky sweat. The smell of urine from the dogs that relieved themselves on the carpet was so strong the odor turned to ammonia.
He tore off his ripped shirt and walked over to the animals that were sitting on the kitchen floor, too weak to move since they hadn’t eaten. Their normal process of greeting Rufus now reduced to slow wagging of their tales.
“Bernice!” Rufus’s voice was dry and he hadn’t drunk water all day. He trudged toward their room, opened the door and saw she wasn’t there. “Kalive!”
“Yes, daddy.” Kalive’s voice rung from behind the closed door in his room.
Rufus twisted the knob and was smacked by the smell of human feces. The whole apartment was almost inhabitable, bacteria floating everywhere. “How long your mama been gone?”
Kalive, who was sitting on the side of the bed, his legs dangling, looked down at his hands. The tips of some of his fingers were scratched with black crayon, representing the days passed since he saw Bernice’s face. “Four days.”
Rufus shook his head and his jaw twitched. “And you been in here all this time? Pissing and shitting in your room instead of going to the bathroom?” he paused. “Why?”
“The dogs out there…”
“You still scared of them pits? They just dogs, Kalive, they not gonna kill you.”
Silence.
His brows lowered. “You eat?”
“No.” Kalive’s stomach growled.
“Well how come Bernice ain’t take you to Ms. Lucy, or the Chinaman? It ain’t like they don’t live in the building. Wouldn’t have taken her more than a second to walk you downstairs.”
“Mama said they tired of feeding me, and letting me stay. Said she was taking advance.”
“You mean advantage.” Rufus frowned. He dug into his pocket and pulled out 2 blood tinged twenty-dollar bills. He beat a man to a pulp earlier for sitting too closely to him on the bus and relieved him of his cash. “I knew your mother was a worthless bitch. All she doing is proving me right.” He sighed. “Get dressed…I’ma take you to go eat.”
An hour later Kalive was sitting Indian style on the sofa, eating a cheeseburger from McDonalds. The smell of beef in the air, the Pitbulls suddenly mustered enough energy to move toward the sofa, teeth bearing and eyes glued at Kalive’s food as if he’d stolen it from them.
Their gaze was so intense that the bites he took of his cheeseburger were careful because the next nibble was not promised. At any minute the animals looked as if they were going to rip the sandwich from his hand, taking his fingers too.
When the smell of the beef caused the dogs to salivate and grow more aggressive, Kalive tossed his half eaten burger on the floor. In that moment the animals showcased who was in charge and it certainly wasn’t Kalive. But it was Amanda who received the laurels after swiping her brother with her paw, causing the corner of his eye to open against her blow, seconds before she gobbled the sandwich in one gulp.
Kalive reserved himself to having his fries when suddenly Rufus who sat next to him slapped him so hard the fries dropped out of his hand and toppled on the carpet. Now it was time for round two of the dogfight and it was obvious by Knock’s aggression that this time he would be the victor.
With clenched teeth Rufus asked, “Why did you do that?”
Kalive’s bottom lip trembled. “Because you hit me.”
“I’m not asking why you dropped the food. I wanna know why you gave it to them in the first place?”
Kalive shrugged, preferring to remain silent instead of admitting his fear of the animals again. Knowing Rufus didn’t approve.
“Out there…outside of this apartment, there will always be people who can smell fear. They live for weakness that is exhibited in the eyes. And they will use that fear to take whatever they want if you let them. Dogs are no different.”
There was one fry left, tucked under the sofa, that due to the dogs large noses they couldn’t reach. Seeing the food Rufus stood up and snapped his finger. “Sit!”
Both dogs that hadn’t eaten in two days stopped cold.
Rufus picked up the fry and broke it into two. Giving one to Kalive he ate the other part himself. “Kill or be killed, son. Always remember. Kill or be killed.”
****
Kalive was asleep on the sofa when he woke up abruptly after having nightmares that wolves were eating at his flesh. When he sat up straight, he saw the dogs lying on the kitchen floor, their faces gaunt, their eyes staring in his direction. It was obvious that although their energy levels were low, that they would rise tall for food if they could only find a meal.
Horrified that he had fallen asleep in the living room as opposed to his bed, he slowly eased off of the sofa, moving quickly toward his bedroom door. His eyes never left the Pitbulls. He had no idea that Rufus had drugged him with prescription strength cough syrup and left him on the sofa to teach him a lesson.
Not to be afraid of dogs, even those which hadn’t been fed in four days.
When he made it to his bedroom door, he turned the knob to the right and then the left but it wouldn’t budge. Fearing the dogs would rip him to shreds any minute he tugged harder but nothing worked. When he looked behind himself he saw his vicious pets were now on their paws, tails raised high and stiff into the air.
Thinking quickly he moved toward the front door. Tall enough to open it, he failed again because it also wouldn’t budge. Just like with his bedroom Rufus had double locked the door, trapping his only son inside. After checking his parent’s room he was disappointed again because it was also locked, refusing him entry.
Where would he hide?
When he turned around the dogs were now approaching slowly and so he hopped on the sofa, as if the dogs weren’t able to leap if they desired. Unlike yesterday there was no burger or fries for the animals to devour. Not a problem, the primal urge to survive turned it’s head and the Pitbulls suddenly saw no difference between a juicy steak and a human child.
Rufus had abandoned him and he had to fend for himself.
Or so he thought…
When he glanced to his right he saw the hatchet, still stained with Otis’s blood, sitting on the sofa. Although too afraid to use it, he picked it up and awaited his fate.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
BERNICE
I had been in St. Elizabeth hospital for a few days, or so I thought. When I finally got my barrens, and pieced t
ogether the wretched parts of my life I learned it had been much longer. About a week in a half.
Things changed when the police outside of the store picked me up a while back. Something about my mood made them think I wasn’t stable and I was hauled off to a mental institute instead of home. They claimed I mumbled something about having 188 children, two of them dogs, but of course I can’t remember at thing.
The best thing about not having insurance was that they didn’t want to keep me longer than I could pay. After I was able to state my name, the date and the year enough times for them to fill comfortable, they released me to the world.
And today I was going home.
Until I got admitted I didn’t realize how badly I was addicted to Otis. Not having him in my life, due to being murdered by a man I hated, caused me to lose my sanity. I lost more of my brain cells than I could manage and the doctors said if I continued to use dope I would soon lose blocks of time.
I told him I was done with drugs but that was a lie. You don’t stop a habit you’ve formed cold after being addicted for years. He said if I didn’t stop I would get locked up or die from an overdose. I guess I will have to see.
I wanted dope that moment but first I needed to see about Kalive. I hoped he wasn’t in the house alone but I never knew what type of shit Rufus would be on because his moods were fleeting, causing him to disappear for days at a time.
Guess I can’t talk much.
I’m not shit either.
During the week they locked me up I realized more than ever the importance of having help. What I wouldn’t give for Jackie to have Kalive now, because at least I knew she loved him. And would make sure he was safe. With me as his mother and Rufus as his father I didn’t see a good end for him.
After leaving my room, I gathered the last of my things from the Intake Center and was on my way out of the hospital when I heard a man yelling behind me, down the hallway. I recognized his screeching voice but could I be wrong? I turned around and slowly approached the sound. When the voice grew nearer I turned down another hallway until I was standing in front of him.
I was right. It was Rufus.
He was wearing a white straight jacket, with no access to his arms because they were crossed around his body. Secretly it’s how I always pictured him.
I walked up on him as he continued to scream at the top of his lungs. He was a raving maniac and the three male nurses tried to restrain him but it was obvious that Rufus was stronger. He seemed inconsolable until he laid eyes on me.
The difference in his moods was like night and day.
The yelling ceased and his frown turned into a smile. I was so shocked by his sudden relaxed mood that I grinned and felt comfortable enough to move closer.
“Mam, you can’t walk up to him,” The beefier of the three nurses said. His hand was extended, his palm touching my breasts. “You can get hurt.”
“Please give me a moment, he’s my husband,” I lied. I went through so much shit with this man that it didn’t dawn on me until that moment that I didn’t even wear his ring.
The male nurse dropped his hand, although all three maintained firm grasps on Rufus’ arms and shoulders. I touched the side of Rufus’ warm face with my cool hand. “Rufus, where is Kalive?” His eyes appeared to twirl around in his head and drool rolled down the corner of his mouth, before dangling on his chin. “Rufus, where is our son?” My voice was a whisper, since I wasn’t trying to alert the nurses that neither of us knew where our child was.
“Who?”
“Our son, Rufus. Where is he?”
He smiled wider, this time looking more like a child than a man with many troubles. “Jackie…I love you. Do you still love me?”
My jaw dropped.
He wasn’t smiling at me, he thought I was Jackie.
He thought I was his dead wife.
I backed away as two of the nurses rushed him down the hallway, his yelling and screaming starting over again. The third nurse picked up some keys that had fallen and was about to catch up with them when I grabbed him softly by the wrist. “What happened…with Rufus?”
“I can’t tell you that, mam, I could lose my job.” His attitude was arrogant and I felt the only authority he had was in this hospital, so he played it to the fullest.
“Please…I just need to know. You seem like someone who’s in charge around here. Can you help me?”
He crossed his arms over his chest and his huge biceps twitched, which I was sure was on purpose. “He’s sick.”
“I know, he’s suffered from bipolar disorder for some time but today he seems different.”
“Bipolar disorder?” he laughed. “I don’t know about all that.”
I frowned. “What you mean?”
“Let’s just say he’s a long term resident. Since I can remember he’s had to come back some time or another for problems related to schizophrenia. As a matter of fact he was in here for almost seven years before the doctor let him go earlier this year.” Suddenly his brows lowered. “And if you’re his wife, you should know that.”
I shook my head. “You have it wrong. He was in prison not here.”
“Mam, I don’t know how much you’ve been told but that man is sick. And if it’s true what I heard you say, when you thought I couldn’t hear, about your kid. You’re in for a world of trouble. I suggest you get him checked quickly or he’ll be as mad as him. That I can promise.”
He walked away and I rushed toward the bathroom, feeling like I was about to vomit. Once inside I splashed cool water against my face, placed the palms of my hands on the sink and looked at my reflection in the mirror. One side of my head was braided, the other not.
Did I unconsciously look like Jackie after all?
I did look like her, at her worse, and the resemblance made me weak. My light skin was now dark and ashy. I was stressed and the large bags resting under my eyes looked like they were full of my tears.
My mother always said never say never. Now I realized she was right. I had become all the things I blamed her for. A heroin addict. A mental case. And a bad mother.
Karma took me a long time ago and ate me alive.
****
I’ve never seen anything like it. As I stood in the doorway, the landlord behind me, I thought I was watching a scene in a horror movie. Except this was my life. And that was my son.
Had I not lost my keys and the landlord not allowed me in I would be alone. He hated me but I was still grateful for his presence.
As I looked at my child, the odor in the apartment so strong it made my nostril hairs singe, I thought this wasn’t real. Kalive’s eyes were cold, almost lifeless, except he was sitting up looking my way so I knew he was breathing.
What stunned me was not the death stare he was throwing, but the blood on his lips courtesy of Amanda who was hacked to pieces on the floor. The water was running in the kitchen and Kalive was sitting next to her corpse. Because he had no shirt on I saw fresh wounds on his chest and arms like he’d been bitten.
Like he’d been in a fight and won.
Knocks lie next to Kalive and his bloody snout showed he’d also eaten his share. On the floor, a few feet over was Otis’ hatchet that Kalive took everywhere since receiving it from Rufus.
Suddenly I felt light and a black shadow seemed to take over my vision. My legs felt weak and I passed out.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
BERNICE
He’d eaten a dog…
He said he was hungry and since Rufus and I left him in the house for almost two weeks alone he did what he had to do. I was trying to understand how anyone, let alone a child could resort to such behavior but I couldn’t. I was heavy emotionally and as I looked over at him as we rode in the cab, on our way to a hotel, I realized months later I was still scared.
I didn’t recognize this child.
He was thin, having lost most of his baby fat.
Since the apartment complex successfully evicted us and we had no place to go, I
was left to take care of us by myself. We were gonna be able to stay if we caught up on rent and gave up Knocks, which we did. Things were okay until Kalive got to messing with neighborhood pets.
One dog, named Dingo, lived at the Phillips residence and Kalive’s antagonizing ways caused the police to keep showing up at the complex. I told the officers he was afraid of animals, even though I knew what he did to Amanda. My lies were useless because no one believed me anyway. They claimed he was choking it, tossing it around the yard and things like that. But it wasn’t until the dog went missing that things got heavy.
I guess after killing Amanda he hated dogs and acted out his frustrations on animals that didn’t belong to us. There was more to it though. I found out later some little girl named Harmony Phillips lived there that he probably likes. He claimed to be just playing with his friends Paco and Kreshon when he hung around her house but the officers said his eyes showed them something different. I wanted Kalive nowhere near the property. Not only was he not supposed to be messing with dogs but also a known pedophile lived in that house.
When the dog went missing and I asked if he did something to it he rolled his eyes and stormed into his bedroom. Two weeks later the landlord got angry about the increased police presence around the complex and threw us out.
I was realizing that I wasn’t qualified to be a parent even though I figured that out a long time ago.
Before going into our room I bought Kalive some McDonald’s, and while he ate I made a phone call, staring at him periodically like he was some wild animal about to eat me like he’d done Amanda. The phone rang once before he finally answered. “Grand, it’s me.”
He sighed. “What now?”
“I need help.”
He laughed hysterically. “When have you not needed help?”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s for Kalive.”
Kalive looked at me, his teeth resting on his sandwich. It took a few seconds before he started chewing and I focused on my meal.
