by T. Styles
“Grams, why don’t you talk to her?”
“Your mother hates me. Always has. I did some things I’m not proud of, reared her up like my mother did me. But she couldn’t handle it. Took everything personally. You know…you can shoot a man and paralyze him. And if you try hard enough he’ll eventually forgive you. The same doesn’t hold true for a mother and a child. Once hate is born into a relationship the only thing that can stop it is death.”
I thought about my mother. I remembered her using drugs, dropping me off and not coming to see me.
Grams, was right. I hate her too.
“You hate your mother, don’t you?” she asked.
I scratched my head. “Don’t think about her really.”
“Go see her, son. Let her take a look at you. Let her see how good you’re doing, she may feel guilty but if she sees you’re well, slimmed out and everything.” She pinched my cheek and I smelled the garlic she was putting on the chicken. “Maybe she’ll come around. And I can tell her I’m sorry for all of the things I’ve done…all of the things I didn’t do right.” She lowered her head and put more salt on the chicken.
****
Jace and Paco were with me when we walked down the block my Grams told me she last saw my mother. I lied to my friends about the reason for being there. Told them I wanted to get a steak and cheese sub from the carryout on the corner, and since we didn’t eat all day they were with it.
Food was never a problem because Jace always paid.
I had my own reasons of wanting to see my mother. I thought about what Grams said all last night. Maybe my mother wanted to reach out but was afraid I would be mean to her, since she never came back like she said and stuff like that.
I wanted to give her a chance.
When we got on the block there were four women wearing little skirts and shiny shirts. Two of them had cigarettes in their hand and one of them was my mother. She looked older but not like she lived on the streets. Not really, anyway.
I thought she was still pretty.
I looked over at Jace and Paco to see if they recognized her. The way they walked toward the carryout without looking her way I figured they didn’t. “Ya’ll go inside. I’ma fuck with these hoes for a minute,” I said smiling.
“Shit, we coming with you then,” Paco said.
I wanted to be alone but it was too late. We walked toward them, me toward my mother. When we reached her I smiled.
“Go away, jail bait,” the white whore said before pulling on her cigarette. “We don’t fuck kids.”
Paco grabbed his dick. “Who said we kids?”
“I said it,” she replied. “Now get away. You messing up the scene.”
We all waved her off and I moved closer to my mom. She stared at me. I could tell she was still on dope. It was in her eyes. Either she got shorter or I got taller because I could see the top of her shiny black hair. Just being near her made me miss her. My grandparents are cool. They do a lot for me but they not my mother.
“Hey, cutie, what you feeling like today?” She asked me. Her breath smelled shitty…like cigarettes.
“What you mean?”
“I mean if you got money you can get whatever you want, I don’t care how old you are.”
“Leave them kids alone, Burns!” The white whore screamed. “They trouble.”
“Aw shut the fuck up, Sandra! Money is money.” She looked at us again and I knew she didn’t recognize any of us. “So what you little niggas want?”
Jace walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “You want me to pay her to suck your dick, Kali?”
I turned my head and was about to hit him. That was my mother he was talking about, and then I remembered he didn’t know. “Naw, I’m good.” I stuffed my hands in my pockets.
“Shit…if he don’t want a dick suck I’ll take it!” Paco yelled.
Jace paid my mother ten dollars and she took Paco in an alley. He was gone for five minutes before he came back with a smile on his face.
I felt sick to my stomach.
“Damn, that bitch was good.” He zipped his pants. “Almost sucked the skin off this shit.”
“You sure you don’t want a suck?” Jace asked me. “You the one wanted to step to the hoes.”
He pulled more money out and my mother yanked me by the hand. “He wants it.” She snatched the ten-dollar bill from Jace. “We’ll be back.”
Now I was in the alley and I didn’t want to be. She pressed my back against the brick wall and my jeans were at my ankles. That quick. In a few seconds her warm hands were on my dick and I couldn’t remember the last time she touched me.
She was about to put my stuff in her mouth when I hit her in the face.
Hard as I could.
She fell backwards and I bent down to hit her some more. I hit her for who she was and for not being my mother. I hit her for being a whore and for hurting the grandparents’ feelings. When I was done I kicked her in the stomach, reached in the gold purse on her shoulder and stole her money.
It was mine anyway.
“One day you gonna see me again and I’m gonna hurt you some more.” I pulled my clothes up and walked away.
When I reached my friends Jace pointed at my shirt. I didn’t know it had blood on it until he said, “Damn, what happened?”
“I told that bitch that kids were trouble,” The white whore said while the others ran to check on my mother.
“You ain’t like it?” Jace asked.
“She washed up, I wasn’t feeling it.” I showed them the cash. “But I got the money though.”
They laughed but inside I felt like crying.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
KALI
I’m not fucking with Jace and ‘em no more.
After that shit with my mother last week I wasn’t in the mood to be around nobody but my grandparents and Kristen. I heard Jace and them were talking behind my back at school, saying I was scared to fuck but I don’t care.
It still don’t bother me.
After I ran the bath water for my grandfather and helped him inside my Grams came home a few minutes later. Today Gramps wasn’t telling me stories about my great-great grandfather or when he was younger. He was talking crazy stuff I didn’t understand.
When he was like this my grandmother was sad and I hated her that way.
When Gramps was clean we put him to bed and I helped my grandmother cook dinner. She made spaghetti and meatballs to make me feel better. I don’t know why she thinks something’s wrong with me. I was worried about her.
She was stirring the sauce and remembered I wanted to ask her something. “Grams, do you and Gramps still fuck?”
She slapped me.
It was the first time she ever hit me. She tossed the spoon on the counter and sauce splattered everywhere. Her hands were flat on the counter. “I’m sorry, Kalive. I…I just…”
I was confused. “What I do wrong?”
Her eyes got wide. “Kalive…you asked me if I…if I…fucked your grandfather.” She paused. “You not allowed to talk to me that way. Ever.”
I replayed what I said and it felt like I swallowed a basketball. I be with my friends so much that sometimes I forget to change over to adult talk. My teachers at school get mad all the time about that. “I’m sorry for cursing, Grams. I ain’t mean it like that.”
“I know, son. I know.” She picked the spoon up, rinsed it off and stirred the sauce again. “To answer your question, although I don’t know why since you a child, no, I haven’t been with your grandfather in that way in a long time.”
“Why not?” I remembered what he said about taking pussy and figured if she gave him a little maybe he’d get better.
“Things are not as easy as that.”
“But why not? I thought sex was for everything.” I paused. “When my mother lived with my father she would do all kinds of stuff. I saw her suck his penis a lot in the hallway. I think he liked it there because they did it that way all the time. I saw h
im stick his ding-a-ling in her butt and—”
“Again with the talk! Kalive, you have to be careful of the conversations you have with people. They gonna start thinking you’re crazy. Not everybody’s going to be able to take those kinds of questions from a child. You have freedom to talk around here but you must be cautious.”
“Sex is wrong?”
“Yes, son.”
I thought of my mother who was selling pussy on the Ave. “So why everybody doing it?”
She looked away and I saw her face redden. Maybe I should talk about something else. Grams can’t handle this.
“Kalive, did your mother do something to hurt you? Because your mood has been off lately.”
I shrugged. “Told you I didn’t see her, Grams.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Naw…I’m good.”
I helped her set the table and a little while after that Kristen knocked at the door. She was wearing a pink dress and white shoes and I wanted to ask for a kiss. But if Grams didn’t want to talk about fucking I knew she wouldn’t like that.
After awhile we started eating and me and Grams put Gramps in his wheelchair so he could sit at the table. Kristen sat next to me and I wrapped my arm around the back of her chair.
Kristen stuck some spaghetti in her mouth and looked over at me. “So where your mama at?” She asked.
My stomach rolled a little. “What you mean? My mama and daddy right here.” I looked at my grandmother. “Right, Grams?”
“Kalive, you know that ain’t true,” she smiled. “I’m your grandmother and there’s a difference.”
I frowned. “You feed me and take care of me.” I pushed the plate away. “My mother’s a whore and I ain’t calling no whore my mother. So you got to be it.”
Her eyes widened. “Kalive, please,” she said louder. “You have company.”
I looked over at Kristen and grinned. “You right…look at us, Gramps.” He was staring at me, smiling. “You got your wife and I got mine.”
“You right about that!” My Gramps said, slapping his leg while laughing. He leaned over and tried to kiss my grandmother but she pushed him away. And because he was in the wheelchair he rolled before stopping at the couch.
“Kalive, please stop riling your grandfather up,” Grams said. “Today supposed to be peaceful.” She stood up and wheeled him back.
“Why, Grams? Kristen don’t care if I call her my wife…do you?” I looked at her.
“Not really…but you are kind of embarrassing me.” She pushed her plate away too. It was empty though, she ate everything.
“See what you doing?” Gramps said.
I looked over at Kristen again and I felt like my Grams was turning her against me and my head started hurting. “She gonna be my wife and I’m gonna stick my ding-a-ling in her pussy too. I can say anything to her I want.”
Grams shot up. “Kalive, go to your room right now!” She pointed toward the back of the house. “I’m sick of you and this mouth tonight.”
I pushed the chair back and it made a scratching noise on the floor. I looked at my Grams for a minute and stormed to my room. Instead of sitting down I walked around the floor in a circle.
I hated my mother!
I hated having to live with my grandparents because she didn’t want me.
And I hated that my mother didn’t know who I was.
I was pounding myself in the head with my fists when Kristen walked into my room. “Kali, are you okay?”
I sat on the edge of the bed. “You still here, I thought she was gonna make you leave?”
“Nope…she told me to come check on you.” She sat next to me and held my hand. “What’s wrong? I never seen you like this.”
“I’m just mad I guess.” I looked at her. “I’m glad you came over though.”
She let my hand go. “I came because I have to tell you something…I can’t be your girlfriend no more.”
“You told me we go together, I thought we were cool.”
“I can’t see you either. Chris said if I break up with him, he’s gonna punch me in the stomach…again.”
I stood up. “Why you ain’t tell me he hit you?”
She shrugged. “’Cause you can’t do nothing and I only came to let you know what he said.” She bent over and kissed me on the cheek, stood up and walked out my bedroom.
I could hear her crying.
I got up too. I got on my knees, dug under my bed and pulled out my hatchet. Most of Otis’s dried blood was gone now. And I didn’t carry it as much as I use to because it scared people.
Now I think its time.
My grandfather had a strap in the bag of weapons he gave me from the army. Grams took everything except the strap and the bag saying that I didn’t need no weapons.
She didn’t know about my hatchet though.
****
I snuck out my grandparent’s house and sat across the street from his building all night. I wasn’t sleepy and when it turned morning I was waiting for him. Kristen wasn’t gonna be my girl again until I got him out the way for good.
After a while it seemed like everybody was getting up and going to their cars. I even saw a few kids from my school walking out the building but still no Chris. I was starting to think I had the wrong address until he finally came outside. He had two boys with him that I saw him with at school but didn’t know they names.
I rushed across the street with the hatchet in my hand and knocked Chris to the ground. “Hold up, what the fuck is going on?” He yelled.
My hatchet fell and the back of his head bumped on the step. He was bleeding already and I didn’t really touch him. I got myself together and hit him in the face again.
When one of his friends tried to jump in I picked up my weapon and swung at him. I caught him on the leg, his jeans got ripped and I saw blood oozing out. He ran down the street screaming and the other kid followed him.
I dropped the hatchet and hit Chris again as many times as I could. “Leave…Kristen…alone!” I yelled. “Stay away from her!”
I thought he would hit me back but he just balled up and covered his face. He was scared so I picked up my hatchet and pointed the blade at him. “If you mess with her again, I’ma come back and use this on your face. I’m not gonna tell you no more.”
“Kalive!” I heard someone yell behind me.
When I turned around I saw my uncle Grand in a red racecar. He came over at least once a week to check on the grandparents but we didn’t have a relationship like that. He had somebody in the car with him I didn’t know.
“You done?” Grand asked.
I looked down at Chris. “Yeah…I think so.”
“You sure?” His voice was deeper.
I nodded.
“Well come over here. I been looking for you.”
I stood up and placed my hatchet in the strap on my back. Chris got up and ran away like his friends. He was a punk who could hit on girls but not a boy like me and I felt I should’ve did more.
When I got into the backseat of the car my uncle pulled off. “This my son, and your cousin Vaughn.”
I didn’t know he had a kid. When I looked at him I guessed he was about my age but I wasn’t for sure. Vaughn looked back at me, nodded, and turned around.
“What was that?” Grand asked.
“Nothing…just some boy who be messing with girls.” I looked out the window.
He laughed. “Well you should have finished him.”
“I would have but you called me.” I looked at him again. “What you doing here anyway?”
“My mother been looking all over for you. Said you left the house in the middle of the night so she sent me to find you. Why you do my mother like that? You know she too old to be kid chasing.”
“How you know I was here?”
“Saw some kids your age running up the block and they told me where you were.” He paused. “You feel like your business done with the kid?”
I shrugged. “Not really.�
��
“You young but I’ma tell you anyway. Never leave a man bleeding and breathing if the beef ain’t over. He’ll come back for you. They always do.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
KALI
I told my Grams I wasn’t goin’ to school. She tried to force me until I said if I went I was gonna get into a fight. Part of the reason I was mad was her fault anyway. She kept asking me to go see my mother and I had to tell her I already did.
“She didn’t remember you either?” Grams finally asked.
If Grams knew she wouldn’t remember me because she didn’t remember her, why would she send me out there?
I couldn’t get my mother out of my mind. I laid up thinking about her all night until something else happened. My ding-a-ling got hard. I put my hand on it trying to make it go down but then thoughts of my mother touching it in the alley caused it to grow hard again. So I rubbed it until stuff started coming out the tip.
I think I nutted on myself.
I was so grossed out I got up, walked to the bathroom and threw up. I felt bad for thinking like that because she was my mother even though I didn’t really know her. I promised myself to never think like that. But when I went to bed it happened again. And again…until I leaked three times.
My Grams said she was going to make some coffee earlier since she had to be to work. I figured she was moving slow so I ran my grandfather’s bath and went into the kitchen to stir some eggs. I took the bacon out the freezer and put it on a plate so all she had to do was cook.
When I was done I knocked on my grandparent’s door. When nobody answered I opened it and peeked inside. I was confused when I saw my Grams on her knees next to the bed. Her back was faced me but I saw her saggy skin and big white underwear. I also saw her bra strap.
Why was she crying?
