by J. Sterling
I pulled my eyes together, noticing the way that she looked at me, so serious and determined. Damn, she was beautiful. And smart. I wanted to take it all back, pull her from the passenger seat and onto my lap, where she belonged, and kiss her until she saw stars.
Nodding, I apologized because she was right. In trying to do the right thing, I had taken her choice from her, figuring that I knew what was best.
“So … first question,” she started. “Do you even want to be with me? I mean, do you want this to work, or are you just looking for a way out?”
Jesus. She thinks I don’t want to be with her?
I scoffed, practically choking on the air around me, “I want you so damn much that I can’t bear the thought of doing anything to hurt you. Thinking about you resenting me somewhere down the line because of my job fucking kills me. I want you. But I don’t want you to give up everything in order to be with me.”
Her eyes started to well up, and I watched as she sucked in a breath and looked away, trying to regain her composure.
“Good answer,” she turned to face me, her voice cracking as a single tear fell.
“Don’t cry.” I wiped away the lone tear from her cheek, and she closed her eyes the second my hand touched her skin.
“I’m not.” She breathed in and out a few more times, her eyes still closed, and I wondered what kind of pep talk she was giving herself and not sharing with me. “I don’t want us to end,” she admitted before adjusting her position and scooting up straighter, her long, dark hair spilling all around her shoulders.
“I don’t either.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard to stay together.”
“I know,” I agreed because it seemed really fucking unfair. Instead of focusing on that, I nudged her back on topic. “You said you wanted all the facts before you decided. So, what do you want to know?”
“Everything.” She shrugged.
I nodded and let out a short chuckle. “Okay. It might be easier if you asked questions.”
“I’m not really sure what to ask. I mean, you’re the one who’s so convinced we can’t stay together. Why don’t you tell me why?”
Damn. She’d put me on the spot, and I deserved it.
“It’s like I said that one night at dinner. My entire life will revolve around the game. We basically play nine months out of the year. Longer, if we make it into the playoffs. And pitchers and catchers report before everyone else for spring training. Baseball will be my priority. It’ll be my job. I’ll have three to four days off a month. A month, Danika. And sometimes, we’ll spend that day traveling, so it’s not really a day off at all.”
Her mouth had fallen open by this point, and she looked at me like everything I had said sounded crazy. “When does the season start?”
“For me, in February.”
“Right, ’cause you’re a catcher. And you report first,” she said, repeating facts back to me and storing them in her head for later, I assumed. “And when does it end?”
“October, depending on playoffs.”
I watched as she counted the months on her fingers, stopping at nine, just like I’d said. “What happens between October and February? You have all those months off to do whatever you want?”
“Technically, yes. It’s called the off-season. But I still have to stay in shape and work out and hit during that time. My head will still be in baseball mode even though I’m not playing.”
She swallowed. “But you can go on vacation during those months? And you would be around for Thanksgiving and Christmas?”
“Vacations, yes. And I would be around for those holidays. New Year’s too. But that’s it. I’d miss the rest. Your birthday. Our anniversary. Any celebrations with friends.”
“And what about when you travel during the season? How many games are away?”
“Anywhere from ten to seventeen usually.”
“So, almost half the month.” She sounded sad, and it killed me. But she needed to know the reality of what I was signing up for.
“Yeah.”
“What else?” she said point-blank. “What else is there? Groupies? Girls hitting on you?”
“Always. But you’d never have to worry about that,” I tried to reassure her, knowing that I was not the kind of guy to fuck around, and that wasn’t changing anytime soon.
I’d learned a lot from my parents’ relationship, and that was one thing I never wanted to go through. They had told me how devastating it was, from both of their perspectives, and it had always stuck with me.
She smiled, and it lit up the whole fucking truck. “I don’t even worry about that now, and I probably should.”
I reached out and touched her hand. “No, you shouldn’t. After everything my parents went through, I’d never put you through that.”
Her face pulled together in confusion. “Your dad cheated on your mom?”
I nodded. “It’s a long story.”
“I would have never guessed that. Not ever. They’re so in love.”
“I know. They recovered nicely,” I said with a grin.
“They did. Okay, so one, you’ll never be home.” She put up a single finger before adding another. “Two, you’ll miss a bunch of shit. And three, girls will hit on you constantly. What else am I missing?”
“This is serious, Danika. You can list things off like they’re not a big deal, but when it’s your life every single day, it’s not the same. Shit gets old. Your life will revolve around my schedule. You’ll get sick of it. Me always being gone. And if I have a bad game or I’m in a hitting slump, I might be a dick to you. I won’t mean to be, but my performance on the field will affect everything else. And if I get traded, I’ll have to leave immediately. There are no guarantees or stability. My life will not be my own. And yours wouldn’t be either.” I hadn’t meant to raise my voice, but it was essential that Danika understood the magnitude of what I was telling her.
Being with a professional athlete definitely had its perks, but it still wasn’t easy. My mom had always reminded me, growing up, that it took a certain kind of girl to handle that lifestyle. Danika could, I knew that, but that didn’t mean she wanted to.
She brushed her hair behind her ear and pulled on the lobe.
“It’s a lot to take in,” she finally admitted, and I was both relieved and irritated.
She was giving me exactly what I’d pushed her for—understanding. But now that I’d dumped all the facts into her lap, I realized that I wanted to hear her say that they didn’t matter, that nothing mattered more than us figuring it out and being together. I was being a complete fucking hypocrite, and I knew it. But knowing that still didn’t change the way I felt.
“It is. I know. You should take some time to think about if it’s what you want or not,” I told her even though I hated thinking about giving her up.
Each time my instincts to fight for her flared to life, I tamped them down, reminding myself that having her hate me somewhere down the road wouldn’t be worth it. If she chose me and chose us, it had to be her decision, and she had to be okay, knowing all that she’d be giving up for it. I was basically asking her to choose this lifestyle or walk away from us altogether.
“For someone who’s never had a girlfriend before, you’re pretty good at being a boyfriend.”
I coughed and slapped my chest. “I didn’t say I’d never had a girlfriend before.” Her head reared back in surprise, and I answered before she could ask, “It was in high school. I haven’t had one since.”
“Oh. Yeah, of course. Anyway …” She waved it off like we didn’t need to even discuss that again. “I need you to know that I do want to be with you, but you’ve given me a lot to think about and consider. I think taking some time to figure it all out would be best,” she said, and I felt my heart deflate inside my chest like a balloon losing its air.
“No matter what you decide, I’ll understand,” I said even though I wanted to fucking puke after saying the words.
Thinking about my
life without her now that I had her in it felt impossible. How that shit worked, I’d never understand. I’d been perfectly fine without Danika for years, never feeling incomplete or like I was missing any part of me. But after having her, all that had changed. If she left me, I’d understand, of course, but I’d never fully be okay again. Parts of me would always be missing. And she’d walk around, holding them and not even know.
“Thank you. And thank you for being up front and honest about all of this even though it totally sucks and I hate it.” She was thanking me for basically handing her the scissors to sever the ties between us. One cut was all it would take, and she held all the power.
“Yep. Take all the time you need, by the way. I’m not going anywhere.” I didn’t want her to feel rushed or worried. Like there was some sort of time limit on this decision. While she was weighing all of her options, I’d be one hundred percent focused on baseball and making sure a game like I’d played today never happened again. “But before you get out of my truck …” I leaned toward her, reached for the back of her neck, and pulled her against me like it might be the last time I ever got to.
My tongue entered her mouth, and she breathed into me, a moan combined with a whimper. My dick instantly hardened. This girl affected me like no other ever had. I wanted to tell her that I was falling in love with her … hell, that I loved her already, but I refused to fuck with her head like that. I focused on the taste of her tongue instead, sucking and nipping at it as her fingernails dug into my shoulders like she was afraid to let go. We were two people, frenzied, unsure of what tomorrow would bring and choosing to live for the moment, taking everything that the other gave. And I gave her my all.
I’d give her anything she wanted, today, tomorrow, and forever, if she’d let me. I wondered if she knew that, and somewhere deep down, I knew that she did, even without me saying it. I really fucking hoped that my girl would choose me in the end because knowing that she would eventually move on and end up with someone else would be like breathing in dirt instead of oxygen for the rest of my life. A constant reminder of my loss, filled with pain and grit, all while slowly suffocating me. It sounded like a shit way to go.
Realizations
Danika
My heart ached with each step I took away from Chance’s truck and toward my apartment. I hadn’t felt anywhere close to this level of hurt when Jared and I broke up. I had felt relieved. But right now, the last thing I felt was an ounce of relief even though I knew that what Chance and I were doing was an incredibly mature and smart thing to do. I’d felt so grown-up that we were able to talk about things calmly instead of fighting over them the way I used to do with Jared.
I understood why Chance felt the way that he did and why he was concerned even if my heart hated it. It made sense to me, and even though it sucked that he could be so logical when it came to his emotions, I realized that I was trying to be logical too. Being a girl, I wanted Chance’s feelings for me to override every other thought in his head. But I knew that even if they did, he’d never admit it. Not while he was asking this of me.
What I hadn’t told Chance was that I was determined to figure out a solution for us. When he’d mentioned ending things, my heart had felt like it had cracked in two as I struggled to catch my breath. Every time he encouraged me to think about my future, I saw him standing there with me. There wasn’t one time when I pictured my life later on and he wasn’t included in it. As shocking as that had initially been to me, it was also extremely telling. I knew what I needed to do; I just wasn’t sure how.
Pulling open my front door, I stepped inside. The smell of chocolate chip cookies instantly hit my nose, and I swore I started to drool.
“Cookies?” I asked out loud, and Sunny peeked around the cabinets with a grin.
She looked all around me, clearly assuming that Chance would be with me, like usual. “I thought he’d want some sweets since he had such a bad game, but he’s not with you?” she asked, sounding utterly confused.
“No. He went home.” I rounded the corner and stood in the kitchen, watching her.
“Oh. I didn’t peg Chance for one of those guys,” she said, scooping out more batter and setting it onto the pan.
“One of what kind of guys?”
“The kind of baseball player who got super pissed after a bad game and wanted to be alone to sulk in his misery instead of carrying on with his life,” she stated like she was some sort of expert on athletes.
I decided to be frank. “He tried to break up with me,” I said the words super fast, unable to hold them in a second longer.
The spoon clanged against the countertop as it dropped, and I stared, watching it bounce and twirl before falling to the floor with an even louder sound.
“Because of his game? Whoa, he’s really over the top.” She bent down to pick up the spoon, tossing it into the sink before pulling open the drawer and grabbing a clean one.
“It wasn’t because of the game. He saw Jared this morning.”
Sunny snarled, “So what? Who cares?”
“Jared said some things, and they didn’t sit well with Chance,” I tried to explain before wondering if I was oversharing things that should have stayed between him and me. But Sunny was my best friend, and girls needed to talk about things with each other. It was how we survived.
She popped out her hip—her annoyed stance. “What kind of things?”
“He told him that I’d give up my future for him. And shit like that. He made Chance worry.”
Sunny focused back on the tray, filling the last empty space with dough. “Chance is a good guy.”
“I know. He basically laid out what life would be like for me if we stayed together. He told me to take some time and think if it was the kind of life I wanted or not.” I hopped up onto the counter and reached for one of the already-baked cookies on a plate. I wasn’t sure why, but I half-expected Sunny to swat my hand or something, so I was relieved when she didn’t. When I took a bite, the chocolate dripped out and hit me on the chin. I wiped it away. “These are so good. Why are your cookies always so delicious?”
“It’s the sea salt,” she said with a shrug as she put the last batch into the oven. “You know this already. I tell you this everytime.”
“The sea salt,” I parroted like it was new information even though it wasn’t.
“I sprinkle sea salt chunks on top of the dough before I cook it. It changes everything,” she explained, and suddenly, I couldn’t taste anything other than the salty flavor combined with the sweet dark chocolate. “That’s why I tell you to do it too. But you never listen.”
“I’ll start listening. I promise,” I said, taking another bite. “You should sell these.”
“Maybe someday. Anyway, what kind of life? What did he mean?”
I chewed first, savoring every bite before swallowing. “He meant if we stayed together when he got drafted. He explained what being with a professional baseball player would mean for me.”
Her mouth pursed, making her lips look huge. “That’s actually kind of nice. And you’d never thought about it before?”
“Not like that. Not the way he explained it,” I said, feeling a little naive.
“I’ve heard it’s not easy. I have a couple of friends who are with professional football players. The perks are great, but the rest of it takes a toll.”
“Yeah. Chance was very realistic about it all. Did you know his dad had cheated on his mom?” I asked, just remembering that he had mentioned that.
She shot me a weird look. “Everyone knows the story of Jack and Cassie Carter.”
“I don’t.”
“Maybe I should rephrase,” she said. “Everyone who’s from this area knows their story. You can look online. I’m pretty sure it’s all on there. I think there might even be a book about it.”
As much as I wanted to satisfy my growing curiosity, I decided against it at the moment. I knew that I was only distracting myself from what I really needed to do. “What do your
friends say?” I asked, and she looked confused. “The ones dating the football players. What do they say about it?”
“Oh. They say that the females are one thing, but the grueling schedule and the fact that it has to be their number one priority is another.” Sunny offered me a shrug, like, What did they expect?
The buzzer dinged, and she reached for an oven mitt.
“Could you do it?”
She glanced at me while she pulled out the baking sheet and shut the oven door. “Could I do what? Date an athlete?”
“Yeah. Seriously. Do you think you could do it?” I had never even considered or thought about this kind of thing before tonight. I’d stupidly assumed that anyone could date a ball player, but I was starting to realize that maybe that wasn’t the case at all. It seemed like it would take a certain kind of girl to handle the pressure and stress that went along with it.
“I mean, you know how much I love the players at this school.” She winked, and I laughed, thinking about her and Mac. “But I don’t know. I want to say yes, but I’m kind of insecure and jealous. I think the other girls alone might drive me insane. I’m not sure I could handle it.”
I swallowed and blew out a long, slow breath as I thought about myself and Chance. Other females wanted him, and they made that fact known, but I’d never really paid them much attention. And I knew that was because Chance didn’t either. No matter what any other girl said or did, he couldn’t care less, and it made me react in the same manner. I couldn’t even think of a time when some other girl had caused chaos between us.
“I think it would depend on the guy,” Sunny said, breaking my train of thought as she hopped up onto the counter across from me, a cookie in her hand.
“Huh?”
“About the girls and my jealousy. I think it would depend on the guy. Like Mac, for example. I’d be going out of my mind anytime I couldn’t reach him on the phone or if he was out of town for away games. I wouldn’t want to live like that day in and day out. Always wondering. Always worried. Always insecure,” she elaborated as she took a bite.
