Chapter 5
When Jane woke she wasn't sure what to do with herself. For her first day of complete freedom she cleaned the whole entire house. That went quickly, so she found herself with nothing to do an hour later. Then she decided to organize everything in the closet. That went quickly as well. But the whole time she was doing these things she wasn't able to get the mental image of Kyle out of her brain. She wasn't sure how she was going to shake him. He was like a ghost that wasn't dead, like a living aberration. As Jane cleaned she thought that maybe she should get really drunk, or maybe she should call up the kid down the street that she had shovel her drive in the winter and see if he could score her some pot. Maybe getting really high would make it all go away. After she was done cleaning she got up and called Brian to see what he thought.
“You want to do what?” Brian said.
“Oh, don't be such a goody goody,” Jane said. “I want that loser kid down the street to score me a bag of weed.”
“No fucking way,” Brian replied. “That has to be the worst idea I've ever heard.”
“You've never smoked pot, have you,” Jane replied.
“No, of course not,” Brian said. “But I'm not so sure what that has to do with anything at all! Any rational adult will tell you that your idea of scoring bud off some dumb kid who might roll over on you if he gets caught is a super bad idea. Even though weed is barely illegal in this state, it's still against the law. And even though you probably wouldn't even have to go to jail, they'd still put it on your record and that might fuck with your job.”
“I haven't told you yet,” Jane said. “But my job said that I'm on vacation, paid vacation, until my boss says otherwise. He says I was putting in too many hours at the workplace.”
The phone went quiet.
“What?” Brian asked.
“I was there too much,” Jane said. “Jim, my boss, was right about that. I was putting in huge hour work days, working as much as I could. It turned out the guy that walked in on my cleaning the ceiling tiles on a Sunday morning was Jim's silent partner, and they got together and decided that I needed a break away from everything.”
“Wow,” Brian said. “Hey, I'm just going to come over so we can talk about this more in person, all right?”
“Sure!” Jane said. “But why aren't you at work? I guess I should have thought of that before I called you.”
“I'm not at work because I don't have a regular work schedule. I do weird hazardous material cleanup jobs, so it kind of depends on the season.”
“Oh,” Jane said. “Well, I'll see you when you get over!”
Jane was excited that Brian was coming over. It was going to be nice to have someone to talk to for a chance. Since Kyle had left the house had been so empty and lonely. But when Brian arrived there was someone there with him standing on the front stoop. At first Jane didn't realize what was going on. Brian looked like he'd just run over someone's dog. And for a second Jane actually thought that was what had happened, that Brian had run over someone's dog, and that someone was the other man, and now they were on her front stoop.
“What happened?” Jane asked. “Is everything all right?”
Brian just looked down at his toes, his hand stuffed deep in his pockets, his face a mask. The other guy, a husky guy with a military haircut, and, now that she noticed it, wearing a military uniform, looked like he wanted to run.
“Ma'am,” he said. “I've got some bad news.”
Jane staggered away from the door clutching her hand to her chest, as if trying to keep her heart from beating out of her rib cage.
“No,” she said. “No, no, no, no, no!”
But that didn't stop the man from telling her that most likely Kyle had perished. That the convoy he had been in had taken heavy rocket fire from an unknown position, and then fundamentalist rebels had attacked them on foot and taken many prisoners. The more the man walked into the house while he spoke, the more Jane backed up, until she fell onto the couch.
Here I am again, on the couch. Going to cry on it twice in one day.
After the man left it was just her and Brian. He sat in one of the plush chairs across from the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. Jane looked at him, her lips trembling, trying to contain herself. Or was she really trying that hard? Maybe all of it had rushed out of her already.
“Listen,” Brian said. “I talked to the guy before you opened the door. We'd been out there for awhile. At first he didn't want to give me the details, but I really put his feet to the fire about it. Got in his face and pulled the Marine card. Basically, no one knows what has happened.”
Jane sat up on the couch.
“So he could be alive! You're telling me that he could be alive!”
“Yes,” Brian said. “That's what I'm telling you.”
Jane looked hard at Brian, then slumped back onto the couch.
“So what aren't you telling me.”
“Nothing,” Brian said. “Listen, I know this is hard to understand, but there is a really, really good chance that Kyle isn't alive anymore. I know that I just said that he could be alive, and that's because he could be alive. That much is certain. But what is very uncertain is if he actually is alive. He could have died in a the huge rocket attack that happened before they blew the IEDs on the convoy, and he could have died in the ensuing firefight. I don't really know the details of the capturing and what not, but it will all be on the news tonight. All of this just happened not too long ago. So it's important to keep in mind that while Kyle very well could be alive, the chances of that being real are nearly slim to none.”
Jane's whole body sagged. She put her elbows on her knees like she was going to be sick. Jane felt sick, but not sick to her stomach. It was more of a soul sickness, like an eternal weariness rubbing against the inside of her ribs. Like she had soaked up so much sadness and grief already that she just couldn't do it anymore. It was like she had reached the end for her. And maybe it would have been the end for her, had Brian not been there.
“Hey!” he shouted, then leaned forward to slap his hand down on the coffee table a few times in rapid succession. “Hey! Look at me! You're fine! No matter what, you're going to be all right! I know this sounds like some bullshit positive thinking thing in a time like this, but you've got to believe me. Life goes on. Kyle would want you to go on with your life, not just sit around and mope like you're waiting for something good to happen without getting out there and pursuing it.”
Jane was so shocked she didn't know what to say, so she just laid back on the couch. Brian excused himself, while apologizing as he left about how he shouldn't have said anything. He closed the door behind him, and Jane stayed on the couch for the rest of the day, and long into the night.
Chapter 6
In the coming months Jane and Brian became close friends. For Jane, Brian was like someone she vaguely knew already because he was so much like Kyle. But he was so different in almost every way that it was unfair to compare the two at all. So she didn't compare them in her mind. She let Kyle be Kyle, maybe alive, but far more than likely dead in Iraq; she let Brian be Brian, a good friend to her and someone she could depend on. They spent more and more time together, until they were having “sleepovers” where one would come to the other's house and stay the night. It was mostly so Jane would be less lonely.
As the winter turned to spring, and the ice melted, Jane remembered how she'd wanted to smoke weed and didn't. She laughed to herself on the way to work one day about how Brian had rejected the idea completely and totally, as if it were the worst idea in the world. On the way home from work she saw the boy who she had wanted to proposition for weed. Jane felt an impulse so strange and foreign to her that she had to give into it, so she pulled over by the high school boy as he rolled down the sidewalk on his skateboard.
“Hey, Seth,” Jane shouted. “Could I buy a bag off of you!?”
Seth hopped off his skateboard and ran over to the car.
“Yo, what the fu
ck are you yelling that shit out of the window of your car in front of God and everyone for?” Seth said. “Don't you know that weed is still illegal? Why the fuck would you yell that? And we're right by my fucking house, man!”
“Whoa, Seth,” Jane said. “You're really, what do you kids say, harshing my vibe.”
Seth shook his head, and after a few seconds let out a chuckle.
“Lady, you're crazier than a shit house mouse, you know that?”
“Did you come up with that yourself?” Jane asked. “Or hear it off one of the old westerns your dad likes to watch so much.”
Seth grinned.
“Heard it on the television. One of the old westerns with cowboys and Indians killing each other for no discernible reason. But anyway, how about I hop in your car and we go for a ride.”
Seth jumped in the passenger seat and told her to drive around the block. At first Jane thought that Seth was going to have her drive him to some seedy area of town to pick up some “dope” from a drug dealer. Or at least that was what she kind of wanted to have happen. Something had gotten into her today and she wanted some adventure pretty badly. She wanted to go far outside her comfort zone just to see what was out there. But instead of having her drive to some bad part of town Seth had her drive around the block and pulled a bag out of his backpack. It wasn't exactly the salacious experience she had been hoping for, but it was a lot quicker and easier. She paid Seth and dropped him off at his house.
“Seth,” Jane said before pulling away. “What do you want to be when you grow up.”
“Fuck, I don't know,” Seth said. “Who the fuck wants to do anything?”
It was Jane's turn to laugh as she drove away. Seth was a good kid with a good heart, but she had the feeling that he wasn't going to like the real world when he got out into it. So many of the punk rocker, skater types had a really hard time when they got out into the real world because it wasn't fair, and their parents weren't always there to hold their hands and keep them afloat. But those thoughts all went to vapor in the wind when she pulled into her drive and saw Brian's car there waiting for her.
“Hey!” she said as she walked inside.
Brian was on the couch, watching some sports program on the television.
“Well hello,” Brian said. “You look ornery today. What's gotten into you?”
In reply Jane held up the bag of weed. Brian took one look and burst into laughter.
“You really are serious about this, aren't you? All right, fine. I'll roll a joint,” he said.
“With what?” she said.
“I bought some rolling papers a few months ago. I figured at some point you'd want to smoke.”
“Well, all right then. Here, take this smelly stuff and roll me a joint!”
Brian laughed.
“We don't need that stuff,” he said. “I know what you're getting at.”
Jane felt herself go week in the knees. Did he know more than she did about the situation? What could he possible know that she didn't know? Was it that feeling of yearning that she'd tried to keep hidden from herself and him. It was a lot of things combined. She just had needs. But much, much more than that she had feelings for Brian. Kyle was gone. She knew that, and had known it. There was no way he survived that attack. She'd watched parts of it on the news and on the internet. Although she liked to think that he'd somehow made it, it had always been the reality of otherwise—something that she knew to be true deep down.
Brian walked across the room with big strides and took her in his arms, looked deep into her eyes, and gave her a long kiss. It was like a dam had broken between them, and they gushed into each other. Clothes were taken off as they stumbled to the bedroom. Neither of them was shy because there was no shame, just two people that had finally found each other after all this time. It was something beautiful that they had, and both of them knew it. There wasn't any cloud that hung around as if they should feel guilty. Kyle would have wanted this, really. He would have wanted them both to be happy, and if that meant they ended up together then so be it. He wouldn't have begrudged them this.
They fell on the bed a tangle of limbs, and Brian's lips found her breasts. He kissed them like she was made of something sweet and precious at the same time. Jane ran her hands all over Brian's hard body, caressing his flanks before she slipped down his boxers to reveal his rock hard member. She took it in her hand and stroked it, marveling at how large it was. Jane was glad that Brian had been modest about this surprise all along—there was no quicker way to ruin love making than lewd solicitation.
They both flipped around so that Brian was on top of her, while she still had a hold of his erection. There was electricity in the air when they kissed while she stroked him, and Jane could have sworn she felt it crackle and hum through her as she felt her body become aroused and ready for the act. Lovemaking was something that rarely happened for the first time with a new partner, but this was something very special to both of them. There wasn't any fumbling around for words or parts, just the smooth, slow sureness of two adults who know that this is for the best, and that both of them want it more than anything.
How much she loved the taste of his lips, and feeling of his finger tips as they moved up and down her breasts, teasing her ribs, and cupping her chin. As Brian got ready to move in her Jane realized that this was that happiest she'd been since her husband had been killed fighting ISIS, or whoever it had been over there. She was glad that she wasn't letting the rest of her life be ruined by something that she had had no control over. She was glad that there was someone like Brian here who not only understood but related to the utmost.
As Brian slowly moved forward into her, her breath caught in her throat. It felt so good, and so right all at the same time. She could tell by the way that Brian was trembling that he felt the same way, and that he also wasn't going to last very long. That was all right by her, though, because she knew that she was so fired up it wouldn't take long at all. She felt so giddy as Brian moved into her she thought for a moment of her long time boyfriend in high school and how they had made love in his room after prom while the parents pretended not to know, just how they had both been like sprinters, ready to make the charge around the track, and when the race started they both got so lost in each other everything else was forgotten. That was how she felt now, Brian's tempo picking up so that her hands clawed and squeezed him, so that she nipped at his throat and cooed in his ear.
As they moved together each knew the other was getting closer and closer. Jane arched her back as an orgasm shot through her like a thunderbolt. It was a good one, the kind that gives no warning and arrives in all their hot splendor all at once. Jane's eyes squeezed shut, but the little she could see was how big Brian's eyes had become. It didn't look like he was going to be able to hold out much longer. And then she felt him inside of her, the way that his body contracted in a state of complete rapture.
Afterward they lay in each other's arms for a long time. And not just twenty minutes, but hours, as if they wanted to go back and do it again anew, not just do it again. Jane was so turned on that she knew if Brian had wanted to she would have been all for it, but she got the feeling that he wanted to keep the moment in a singularity when it came to their first time together. He didn't want it to turn into a hot and sweaty afternoon of steamy sex. That would come later, another day, Jane was sure of that much. So there was no rush, none at all.
Chapter 7
The next few weeks they saw each other little, but not out of intention. Brian had to be called out to clean up a small chemical spill at some kind of factory a few towns away. It was a shitty job, and from the way Brian talked, maybe a little dangerous. While he was gone Jane wasn't able to talk with him on the phone, or even text him. So she waited for him. While she waited she surfed the web looking for any sign that Kyle might still be alive, but never found anything but more and more proof to the contrary. So when Brian finally called her and said he was coming back she told him to come over. And he did
.
But they didn't make love again. This time they just sat and talked, holding hands and looking at each other like they were kids again. It was something that she felt in her heart so deeply there was no way around it. It welled up and over her, coursed through her.
Over the next few weeks they spent nearly all their time together. Brian told her about the job and about how he'd been lowered down into huge vats to use a hose that sucked out all the left behind waste. It hadn't really been a spill as first reported, just something that had to happen ASAP because the government was coming around to inspect the place and they couldn't fail or they'd be shut down. But the pay had been as if it had been a roadside emergency spill that needed cleaned up right away because of the hazard to people and animals. Brian had made a bunch of money, but by the way he limped and cringed sometimes when his shoulders bugged him Jane knew that he had earned every penny. Eventually her boss called her and asked if she was ready to come to work. Jane thought about saying no so she could keep hanging out with Brian, getting to know him better, but then Brian got a call to an actual spill.
So they parted ways for a month or so, both of them throwing themselves into their work. It was something cathartic for both of them, Jane realized. She wasn't the only one that had lost someone. Brian had lost someone as well. And as much as their emotions were growing for each other it was also important for them to have some space. So the days went on and Jane focused on her work, thinking of nothing in particular.
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