by GR Griffin
His feelings for Lenneth complicated things. Had complicated them from the moment he had first seen her. Lezard had wanted salvation when he had first been sent on Hel's errand to Asgard. He had been determined to gain Odin's promise in that endeavor, but that had all changed with the glimpsing of platinum hair and piercing blue eyes. Lezard hadn't realized it then, but some part of him had been love struck by the mere sight of Lenneth. The urge to possess had guided him, Lezard brokering a deal that could be described as foolish at best. He had wanted her so strongly, Lezard had been willing to do anything, even give up eternity, to gain her.
The feelings that had started on the plains of Idavoll had only grown stronger once Lenneth had arrived in Flenceburg. Until Lezard could no longer deny what they meant, the mage love sick and damning himself for placing Lenneth in so vulnerable a position. Guilt consumed him, Lezard sure Lenneth would never have been in danger if not for his own desires. His desires had cast her out of the heavens, had made her mortal. Those same desires might draw unwanted attention to the former Goddess, Hel and even other agents of hers eyeing Lenneth. Looking for a way to use her against Lezard.
She was and would continue to be in danger. They'd live out their lives surrounded by enemies who waited eagerly for an opportunity Lezard refused to present them with. He would do almost anything to play indifferent to his bride. It would hurt them both, Lenneth having proven quite vocal on what she would and would not tolerate from the one who would gain her heart. She wanted love. Wanted her feelings returned, even if the love she felt had been manufactured by her King's spell. Lezard wanted to give himself back to her, to hand over his heart to her safe keeping. But he wouldn't dare. Not when so much was at risk. At best Lezard could only offer Lenneth a kind of friendship, and even that might be risking too much.
It was simply the sad truth that Lezard could never tell Lenneth how he truly felt about her. But he couldn't stop the love in his heart, his thoughts focused on Lenneth. On seeing to her safety and her happiness. On being there for her, in ways that had nothing to do with his duty as her husband, and everything to do with the affection he held for her. And maybe, just maybe, she would someday realize the things he could not say. The love he could never truly express.
These were thoughts Lezard had near continuously. Repeating over and over, worries and regrets, Lezard wishing he had been a less selfish man. A man who would have been able to look at Lenneth, and not want to the point he'd bring ruin upon her through thoughtless actions. Lezard knew now when he had brokered that deal with Odin, that he hadn't been thinking beyond the feelings stirred within him. That he hadn't considered the troubles he would place Lenneth in, how he would weaken her and himself by bringing her down from her lofty perch up in the heavens.
Sometimes, however, he thought none of that would have mattered in the moment. And all because Lezard had wanted Lenneth so badly then and now. What was one more sin, to a man already damned? A man who would gladly go to Hel's tortures, if it meant he could have a slice of his own paradise with Lenneth as his bride? That kind of thinking worried Lezard most of all. And all because it wouldn't allow him a definitive answer, Lezard not knowing what he would have done if given the chance to do things over.
Nor could he completely put the past behind him. There was too many lies, too many deceptions and manipulations. Especially of Lenneth, Lezard painfully aware of how his actions had orchestrated her fate. Lenneth believed she was being punished, cast aside for her failure to save her sister from the vampires. It was Odin's own private joke, the God surely laughing at them both. Delighting in the torments caused by Lenneth's beliefs. The beliefs set them both up for failure, the relationship doomed should Lenneth ever learn the truth. Especially if she was not in love with Lezard when, if, the truth came out.
Lezard feared the truth's reveal would end with his heart broken in pieces, Lenneth hating him. Despising him for all he had done. It made him all the more determined to keep the truth from her, even as he ruthlessly pursued her heart. He didn't know yet how to win her love, but Lezard wasn't one to give up so easily. Especially with a prize so valued, Lenneth's love worth more than Lezard's weight in gold.
He had never felt this way about a woman. It was almost as though Lezard was the one under an enchantment. But if he was bespelled, he simply didn't care. The feelings roused in him whenever Lezard thought of, or saw or talked to Lenneth, were too strong to resist. He loved with his entire being, taking the good with the bad, and hoping for the chance to achieve happiness with the woman who held his heart.
Never had he been more aware of the feelings inside him, than this afternoon at the altar. He had been nervous, his thoughts troubling him with their obsessive track of worry. But the instant the doors had opened, admitting Lenneth into the room, his head had gone silent. For that one perfect moment, no thoughts had troubled him, no worries or fears had plagued him. He had merely stared at Lenneth, taken with how beautiful she was. It had been a beauty that made his heart tighten in pain, as though it had hurt to look at Lenneth.
The moment hadn't lasted long enough, before insecurities began whispering through his mind. Lezard could remember thinking he was both damned and blessed in the moment, and even now those thoughts remained. They had stayed with him the whole day, hounding him and limiting his enjoyment of the evening's celebration. Lezard barely tasted the meal he had forced down, and too often had his gaze been riveted onto Lenneth.
He was very much like a puppet, going through the motions of the celebrations. His strings pulled along by the people there, Randolf dragging him into the festivities and merriment of the day. Lezard could vaguely recall taking part in a conjuring contest, using his magics to garner impressed gasps from the watching crowd. Lenneth had been more interested in the wrestling and sword duels. He remembered that much at least.
And then there had been the dancing! Randolf and some woman whose name he could not remember, pulling Lenneth and Lezard apart. There had been other women, all eager to dance with him. All eager to distract him from his bride, all in an attempt to test Lezard's resolve towards his commitment to Lenneth. They needn't have bothered. To Lezard, these women barely existed. He danced with them, but was distracted, his eyes always seeking out Lenneth's form on the crowded floor.
He was always watching her. Marveling at her elegance as she danced, even as Lezard seethed with unnatural jealousy at the men who partnered up with his bride. The dance was a surreal agony, Lezard waiting for the chance to reunite with Lenneth. But always, there was factors working against his desires. The dancers working to keep them apart. How many times had Lezard tried to muscle his way through the crowd, intent on reclaiming his bride only to be caught up by laughing women. Two, even three at a time! They had sensed his impatience, and only delighted in it, keeping him away from Lenneth long enough for Lezard to lose sight of her.
He remembered how the giggling group of girls had tried to make him dizzy with their twirls. Lezard had barely paid attention to their antics, his body moving automatically as he scanned the crowd for his bride. She would be hard to miss, her exotic coloring making her stand out even among other Valkyries. This group of mortals didn't have a hope of hiding her, Lezard spying Lenneth who had been making her way off the dance floor.
He'd watch as Lenneth moved with determined purpose, evading the men's attempts at drawing her back into the dance. Lezard would find himself wishing that he had that same ease, the man finding it difficult to get free of the women who danced around him. Politeness hadn't worked. In the end Lezard had had to be more forceful than the situation merited, his annoyance being betrayed by the harsh words he spoke. The women hadn't laughed then, uneasy as they had realized they had pushed their Lord too far. They were almost quiet then, shuffling out of the way so that Lezard could get free of the dancers.
He had lost sight of Lenneth during his tirade, that brief bit of anger focused on the women around him. Lezard would actually be anxious, searching the large ball room for
any sign of his bride. Nearly every step of the way was impeded, people wanting to talk with him. To offer congratulations, and gossip, even speculate about what this marriage meant for the alliance between the two kingdoms. Again Lezard had had to be abrupt, his response curt, near distracted. He had almost resorted to shoving people aside, caring little about the egos he would have to soothe later.
It had soon become apparent Lenneth had left the ball room. It wasn't that big of a surprise, Lezard assuming Lenneth's tolerance for their guests' antics at an end. It was the same with him, Lezard agitated and wanting nothing more than to be alone with his bride. He hadn't deluded himself into thinking she wanted the same. Not with the difficulties existing between them, Lenneth upset and hurting over more than just Lezard's drunken attempts at seduction. He had stepped over a boundary then, doing damage Lezard hope wasn't unfixable.
Failed seduction aside, Lezard understood what Lenneth really wanted. A commitment, and not just the one they had made to each other on this day. She wanted him to pledge his heart to her, or at the very least make the promise to try. But Lezard couldn't even give her that much, too conscious of how his love for her would be used against them both.
He had actually been nervous as he had gone after Lenneth. Walking through halls that had been empty, the guards having snuck away to do some celebrating of their own. He'd chastise them later for the abandonment of their duties, but at that moment he had been glad for the privacy. There was no eyes to watch him, no one to report back on where he had gone, and just who he had been following. The fact that Lenneth and Lezard would be alone this night, was something everyone would know about. But at the very least, they wouldn't be privy to explicit details.
It would take time to find her. Lezard had not dared to presume Lenneth would automatically go to the bedroom they would now share. He'd check several places, including the courtyard, before heading to the wing that was his private sanctum. It was quiet there, the sounds of the ballroom's celebrations not able to penetrate this deep into the castle.
He'd never forget the sight that awaited him, inside his bedroom. Lenneth, seated before his desk, her head bowed into her hands. She had truly looked vulnerable then, a great weariness about her. She hadn't been quite despairing, the Valkyrie too proud for tears. In that moment, Lezard had been grateful for her self discipline, the man knowing he wouldn't have been able to handle it if she had been crying.
Even with Lenneth doing nothing more than just sitting there, it had been difficult. Lezard had not known what to say to her, standing there long enough in the doorway, that it had been Lenneth who had broken the silence. She'd actually inquire about the party, wondering if it had ended. It seemed such an innocent topic, but it had stirred unease in Lezard. When he had answered that his people had not had reason to celebrate in a long time, he had meant it. And just as he said that, Lezard had realized the next celebration by all rights should be one celebrating Hel's success against Odin. A success that wouldn't actually happen, if Lezard had any say about it. It was a troubling realization, Lezard's mood souring enough for Lenneth to notice. He couldn't even share his upset with her, Lezard instead trying for a smile, trying to guide the conversation away from that which would make him think about his planned betrayals.
It was more than just his Goddess he would be betraying. He was turning against his friends, against the very people of Flenceburg. All for that which continued to elude him, Lenneth guarding herself against loving Lezard. Was she worth it? Was she worth the effort, the worry, and the troubles? Lezard knew the answer was a definite yes, staring at her in a kind of awed fascination. Just looking at her made all manner of feelings swell up inside him, his heart actually hurting that this beautiful, strong and vibrant woman did not love him back.
He had tried to bury that hurt in the glib manner in which he had spoken to Lenneth. Almost teasing her which seemed to result only in her unease. Lezard hadn't been able to hide just how impatient he had become, the conversation zig zagging between casual talk that relaxed Lenneth, and words that only succeeded in coming off menacing. Lezard had known he was bungling things, but hadn't realized how badly until Lenneth had froze in response to his attempt at touching her hair.
To hide his own hurt, he had turned from her. Lenneth didn't run, didn't so much as inch away, a determined, down right defiant look in her eyes. His Goddess was so brave! He couldn't be any less, Lezard approaching Lenneth. His own bravery had nearly fled in the face of the words she had spoken, Lenneth talking of how he hadn't been the choice she would have made. Even though he had already known that, it had still hurt to hear. The pain and guilt would only grow worse, Lenneth talking about him as though he was a good man. He could have fallen over then and there, guilt eating away at him as he stopped her from saying anything more.
What happened next had been completely unexpected. Never in his wildest dreams had Lezard hoped for Lenneth to touch him. Especially on this night! He hadn't been able to resist her, taking her hand in his own. Raising it up so that he could brush kisses over the back of it. More talk would follow, Lezard seeing how he had surprised Lenneth with a moment of truth. She would step forward to reassure him, laying her hand on his cheek.
Even with guilt churning up his insides, desire had still bloomed at her touch. Lezard didn't know what sort of expression he had worn, trouble and desire surely competing for dominance. He would close the distance between them, uncertain but pleased that Lenneth didn't shy away. She'd actually hold herself still for his kiss, his own lips trembling over hers. Lezard would actually hold his breath, waiting, expecting Lenneth to push him away.
When she did not, he grew bolder, increasing the pressure on her lips. He felt the shift of her body, Lenneth actually leaning into his kiss. That was all the encouragement Lezard had needed, his own mouth becoming aggressive enough to make Lenneth yield and open. It would be the first true kiss they had shared, Lenneth neither asleep, nor trying to get away.
Lezard had to fight not to make a sound, fearing Lenneth wouldn't appreciate his moans. He was too conscious of her, not wanting to do anything that would cause her to back off. The last thing he wanted was Lenneth too close into herself!
But it was difficult to remain unaffected, to not be overcome by her nearness. She smelled good, and tasted even better, her sweet mouth prime pickings for his tongue. He wanted to groan in pure delight, Lezard struggling, warring with his own urges that told him to seize hold of her. Somehow he remained with his arms at his sides, the only connection between him and Lenneth being their mouths. It was why he first failed to notice just how badly she was trembling, Lenneth frightened and trying to hide it.
He put real feeling into the kisses, trying to impress upon her the love hidden inside his heart. Trying to warm her, to melt the ice she put up around her. She continued to hold herself still, her body stiff and unyielding where Lezard would have her grow soft and pliant. The clumsy way she returned his kiss spoke of Lenneth's inexperience, and Lezard was charmed all the more by her.
Some of his tension eased, Lezard losing that nervous edge. In the moment of their lips brushing together, he had put aside his troubles, trying to give himself over to the here and now. Nothing else mattered just then. Nothing and no one could touch them here in this moment, not the war, not his manipulations, not even his betrayals. There were all just excess baggage he briefly put aside. Here in this room, only Lenneth mattered. She was both his reward, and the goal he strove for, Lezard willing to do anything to gain her. To keep her.
He bowed his head against hers, forehead lightly resting against hers. The kiss had been broken, Lezard closing his eyes to listen to the sound of Lenneth breathing. It was heavier than normal, and he felt inordinately pleased with himself to have rendered her breathless. He still wanted to touch her, to sink his hands into her unbound hair. To see if it was as silk soft as he had imagined. Hard warrior that she was, Lenneth was still a woman, retaining all the pleasing softness of her body.
&nbs
p; There was nothing stopping him from touching her. He knew that. Just as Lezard knew Lenneth wouldn't fight him, not now that they were married. And still he had to nerve himself to move, to force his hands to touch her sleeve covered arms. She seemed to jolt back in reaction, Lezard tightening his grip in instinctive reaction. Even as he did that, he was shifting, bringing his lips to one corner of her mouth. Pressing the softest kiss there in an attempt to reassure her.
Lezard could tell he had failed by the trembles that shook through Lenneth's body. His eyes opened, Lezard fighting back a frown. He got his first good look at his bride since the kissing had started, and what he saw made dissatisfaction rock through him.
Lenneth had her own eyes closed, a single tear drop clinging to her lowered lashes. She looked pale rather than flushed from enjoyment, a tension about her that strained the corners of her down turned mouth. She was shaking badly in his hands' hold, and yet for all her fright, Lenneth was trying to endure. All to go through with her duty to her new husband. He never once thought her a coward, even in the face of her fear. Lezard thought Lenneth was the utmost in brave, going forward to confront that which scared her most of all. He thought then how terrified she must be, and realized this was not the way he wanted things to be between them.
A breath Lezard hadn't realized he had been holding, expelled out of him. He had made a decision. The only one he could given their circumstances. Lezard let go of Lenneth's arms, bringing his hands up to cup the sides of her face. Her eyelids trembled but did not open, staying closed for the feather light kisses Lezard pressed over them. He followed those gentle kisses with a grazing of his lips over her forehead, Lezard then dropping his hands to her shoulders.
