by GR Griffin
"Thank you..." It was a surprising show of gratitude, Silmeria turning to cast him a sincere look. "Thank you for that..."
"Their fate is all but out of my hands." Brahms interrupted her. "Should Hrist decide to return to this castle...."
"I can only pray that she won't..." Silmeria said, then made a dismayed sound. "Pray....such an odd concept for a vampire to embrace. Or...is it to you that they direct such things to?"
"To me?" Brahms asked, wanting to laugh at the idea. "No one has truly prayed to me in over a millennia...."
Silence descended upon them, Silmeria's gaze considering as she stared at him. He didn't shy away from that look, didn't so much as fidget. Instead he gazed back at her, eyes almost daring her to voice the questions they both so desperately wanted her to ask. Silmeria didn't step away from the window, but at least she didn't turn away from him. He'd spy her cute fangs which looked as small and delicate as the rest of Silmeria. The tips pressed into her bottom lip, but didn't draw blood. It was a betraying gesture, showing that Silmeria too was nervous.
"You've been forgotten." She finally said. "That's why they don't pray to you...."
"No, you're wrong." Brahms told her. "To be forgotten, I'd have to have existed in their memories in the first place." He gave her an unhappy smile. "Many of the races that populate the realms? They came after."
"After..." A slow blinking of her eyes, Silmeria seeming to strive to gather her courage. "After your fall from the heavens you mean?"
He couldn't exhale a relieved breath, not sure what to make of her question. Did this mean she accepted his memories as truth, or was it something else? But he didn't sense a disbelieving air about her, Silmeria more nervous than anything. Slowly, Brahms nodded a yes to her question.
"The einherjar I saw....they were...a kind of...fairy were they not?"
"The race that came before the elves." Brahms answered. "The fair folk were among the first to walk Creation under the guidance of the Gods."
Silmeria seemed to digest this tidbit of info, nodding slowly to herself. "The others would come later..." She whispered to herself. Brahms could only nod in response, waiting, breath practically held for what Silmeria would say next. "There are....so many questions I have. So many answers I need."
"Were not the memories in my blood answer enough?" Brahms asked her.
She quickly shook her head no, seeming agitated. "They give me answers, yet leave a hundred more questions for me to ask!" Silmeria exclaimed. Her gaze searched out his, Silmeria taking a step towards him. Brahms held himself absolutely still, savoring her approach. He was so used to Silmeria backing away, so used to her attempts to avoid him being near. That she would willingly approach him now? It built his hopes up, the smallest of pleasures filling him, warming him.
"Questions..." Brahms managed to say when Silmeria stopped just short of his arms' reach. "What exactly do you wish to know?"
"Everything!" She exclaimed, an impatience vibrating through her. If the mood hadn't been so to tense, so serious, Brahms might have been amused. "There's so much.....I haven't the faintest idea where to begin..."
Brahms allowed himself a small smile. "How about we start at the beginning then?" He inquired, and Silmeria nodded.
"Yes, that would be best..." A lowering of her eyes, Silmeria seeming to gather up her courage before locking gazes with him once more. "You. You are a God?"
"I WAS a God." He corrected her. "I haven't been a true divine in years, since before most of the realms became populated with the races that dwell upon them now." She seemed to shiver in response, her expression hard to read. "What?" He asked softly, not truly expecting her to answer.
"I knew you were old..." Silmeria began. "But to have existed at the start of creation? That I did not expect."
"I am sure that applies to much of my past." Brahms told her. She nodded.
"I certainly wasn't expecting to....to learn what I did." Silmeria admitted. "I mean there were rumors....things whispered about among the races. But it's all been pure speculation...."
"The truth has been all but lost." Brahms agreed. "Odin has manipulated everything, ensuring that only lies about our feud, and the vampires remain."
"And the vampire's reputation is such, that even if you were to speak up....few would believe you..." Silmeria said.
"Exactly. Without proof, without backing from the other Gods, who would dare believe the word of a monster?" A grim, humorless smile. "I cannot give my blood to every single being in Creation...and few would take Hel's word as proof even if the Goddess was willing to support me on this."
"Hel..." Silmeria frowned, the strangest look in her eyes. He was unable to interpret the true meaning behind that look, many of Silmeria's expressions still too unreadable to him. He hoped to change that one day, to be able to learn and understand all of the emotions that she experienced.
Except for the saying of Hel's name, Silmeria remained silent. It was a silence that stretched awkward between them, Brahms tensing once more. He wondered what Silmeria was thinking, wondered if she was privately recalling the complex, and far too sordid history that existed between him and the underworld's Goddess. There was far too much bad blood where he and Hel was concerned, a knot of tension working into Brahms' shoulders. He had done things, embarrassing things, shameful things, terrible things. He had been a victim to the parasite within him, preying on Hel in more ways then one. The line between cruelty and caring had often been blurred, Brahms using Hel even as he kept her alive. What if Silmeria found the things he had done unforgivable?
"Lord Odin....Odin has done Hel a disservice too." Silmeria said at last. Brahms practically choked on his worry, barely managing to gasp out an agreement.
"I am not the only one to have been forgotten."
"Hel at least, retained her divinity.....She has a place in Creation, even if many hate and fear her..." Silmeria pointed out.
"She was never meant to be so despised!" grumbled Brahms. "She would have....should have remained in the Heavens...She was an innocent..." He fought to keep from turning away from Silmeria's piercing gaze. "I ruined her..."
"It was not just you." He wondered if Silmeria was trying to be reassuring. "Odin had a hand in helping to bring down that Goddess."
"Odin has been cruel to her, it's true..." Brahms hesitated. "But where Hel is concerned, my hands are far dirtier than his."
"I'm not so sure I agree with that..." Silmeria's words were like a beacon of light, cutting through the darkness of the feelings that threatened to eat at him. "Odin is the one who set everything into motion from what I understand. It was Odin who created that which was meant to kill you...his greed for the throne of Creation, has led him to do despicable things...patricide, torture, attempted genocide of an entire race....if he had only honored your father's wishes...."
"I have long mused on the many whats that could have happened if Odin had been different..." Brahms admitted with a sigh. "But such thoughts accomplish little except to paint how bleak a picture the truth truly is...." He paused, needing to gather more courage. Funny how he could face a dozen or more Valkyrie in a single battle, and not know fear, and yet this talk with Silmeria almost scared him witless.
"Silmeria. You are taking this well." Once again they locked eyes, neither one willing to turn away. "Perhaps better than I dared hope or anticipate...."
"You want to know why. " It was a statement not a question, Silmeria in no doubt of Brahms answer.
"Yes. You could have had many different reactions....you still could...." Brahms held in his sigh. "You could have insisted the memories were false, that I speak of nothing but lies....."
"I wanted too..." Silmeria admitted. "I don't think you'll ever truly comprehend just how badly I wanted to cling to the truths as I have known them for my entire life.....But...." A biting of her lip, and then Silmeria was frowning. "The memories your blood gave me....they were just too real. Too detailed to have been created on a whim. The depth of feelings I gathered f
rom the memories, your pain, your anger, even your shame.....in my heart, I don't believe that could have been faked."
Now she gave him an almost chastising look. "The blood....it's shown me the good and the bad, and even the ugly. I've seen things, experienced moments I think you would have preferred I did not. At times, those moments hardly offered a flattering image of you..." Wonders of wonders, an almost smile quirked the corner of her lips, Silmeria looking mildly amused. "You want me." It was a bold acknowledgment, the woman for once choosing not to flee from his need of her. "I doubt very much you would have shown me such things that might be detrimental to your.....courtship of me."
Now he was really embarrassed, mortified heat warming his face. "I wasn't always in control of my actions....not entirely..." He told her. "Especially when I first transformed.....and the hunger was....new to me. I behaved shamelessly and deplorably to Hel....."
"I do not know if I am any fit to judge you.....not when my own transformation...has led me to moments where...I could not, was not, myself..." The faintest pink bloomed on her cheeks. "I was out of control amongst your vampires....I couldn't contain my anger....or the new feelings my....transformation has brought me. How can I blame you for something I couldn't control myself?"
"It's one reason why I pushed you to feed..." Brahms said. "A stomach full of blood helps to avoid such loss of control..."
"You were trying to protect me....and those around me from such problems." Her blush grew more intense in color, the pink a darker shade now. "I see now I should have listened sooner..."
"You weren't ready." Brahms quickly reassured her. "You had a wealth of misconceptions about me, about the vampires. And until you were ready to live as one, you wouldn't have been ready for the truths my blood would give you...."
"I'm not entirely sure I was ready for all that I learned. But...I suppose no one can truly prepare themselves for such a thing."
He managed a weak chuckle. "I lived it, and sometimes I think I am still not prepared for all that has happened to me, to Hel, to Creation itself!"
"It's been an awful burden for you, hasn't it?" Silmeria asked. "With no one to truly talk to, no one to share what has happened."
"Not to mention the only people who knew the truth, wanting to kill me." Brahms added.
"You are even stronger than I first thought....You were able to endure it...to endure all that has happened to you, even the loneliness and despair....If I had been in your place....I don't think I would have survived those first days....not alone..."
"You are not giving yourself enough credit!" Brahms protested. "You have your own strengths....were you not the first Valkyrie to enter the battle at age fourteen, years before you were frozen into your immortality?"
"That's not quite the same....I had my sisters. Not only to look up to and emulate, but to draw support from. They have always been there...lending me their strength. You however, were truly alone....abandoned by your bother, forgotten by all others. Even when...Hel was with you, you could not truly say you weren't alone....You went through the fire, and you didn't end up crazy."
"Sometimes I'm not so sure about that..." Brahms admitted.
"Believe me...I have your memories....and I have not come away from them with doubts to your sanity." Silmeria told him. "You've not only endured, you've of a sort managed to prosper, to carve out an existence for yourself as ruler of the undead...."
"The need for vengeance can be a great motivator." His expression darkened. "I cannot, will not die until Odin pays and all is set right within Creation!" Silmeria seemed to shiver in response to that. He hesitated, feeling vulnerable as he corrected his words. "At least...I used to think that way." Now he stepped forward to close the distance between them, reaching for her hands. "I have a reason beyond vengeance to live now...I have...I have you...."
Before he could get out the words, she was pressing two fingers against his lip. How Brahms wanted to kiss and taste those fingers, the vampire staring down at his bride. But her words were hardly the reassurance he would have her speak, Silmeria sounding almost desperate then. "Don't! Do not...do not put this burden on me...do not make me responsible for your happiness..."
"It's too late..." He whispered, watching as she shivered again. "It's always been too late....from the first moment I saw you.....perhaps to even before that....Hel, none of the Goddesses, moved me.....I cared, but did not love any of them. I thought myself incapable of love, long before I was ever infected by Odin's parasite. I know now I was waiting for the right one, the right woman to complete me....."
She drew away from him, looking shaken. "You've felt it too, haven't you?" Brahms continued ruthlessly. "The connection between us, the attraction that pulls us together? It's what kept me from killing you, what kept you from resisting my kiss that night on Idavoll....."
"Stop it...." She whispered, distressed. "Stop it!" Louder then, Silmeria fitfully shaking her head.
"You can accept my memories as truth, but not my feelings for you?" Brahms demanded, a hint of anger in his voice. She responded to the anger more than the words, glaring back at him. He held back his exasperation, understanding that perhaps now, on top of the truth of Odin's misdeeds, Brahms love, the attraction that existed for both himself and Silmeria, was too much for the girl to face. Odin's manipulations and tyranny was probably a much easier and more palatable opponent to face, than the idea of love and desire to a former Valkyrie who had never experienced such things before. Brahms could grudgingly understand and accept it, but it didn't mean he had to like it. He yearned for Silmeria, yearned for a closer bond and intimacy with her than had been experienced. He hadn't expected the memories his blood contained to make everything better, and indeed they hadn't, Silmeria still holding herself detached from him where her heart was concerned. Brahms didn't know what it would take, what would push her towards facing the attraction she felt, but he hoped he would lose his sanity completely waiting on her!
....
Chapter 41 : Forty One
Her pride wouldn't allow her to retreat more than a few steps from him, enough of a distance for Silmeria to easily avoid Brahms should he attempt to touch her once more. She told herself she wasn't being a coward or purposefully mean, that her intent wasn't to hurt him. At least not this time, Silmeria well recalling the things she had previously said to him, the vehement rejections she had given Brahms time and time again. Recalling those times, it was almost enough to bring another blush to her cheeks, Silmeria feeling oddly embarrassed. It wasn't that she thought herself wrong for those rejections. Brahms had after all, kidnapped and forced the vampire transformation on her. He had KILLED to ensure his claiming of her, and Silmeria was left in no doubt that he would continue to be without mercy to those who tried to take her from him.
The Valkyrie and einherjar who had died on this island were proof of that. She felt true pain at the thought of their slaughter, as well as a frustration for their mindless obedience to Odin. It was an obedience that had led them to their deaths at the vampires' hands, the Valkyrie refusing to accept the out offered by Brahms. And all because they didn't know any better, having spent centuries believing Odin's lies and manipulations.
But it wasn't just the Valkyrie who believed. Nearly all of Creation had been tricked by Odin, a whole race of beings persecuted unfairly. Even that race itself, the vampires, didn't know much better, only afforded the smallest truths about their nature. And all because Odin would not allow them any other way, the God killing any Brahms dared share the truth with. What a burden it must be for Brahms, to be the sole bearer of a truth Odin had tortured and killed to keep hidden. Silmeria felt the weight of that truth, the burden now shared between her and Brahms. She didn't think it lessened the load on the vampire, not when Brahms had real fear that Odin would double his efforts to destroy Silmeria, all on the off chance she had learned the truth about the God's misdeeds.
Silmeria was no coward, but even she felt a sliver of fear course through her at the thought of mo
re divine assassins hunting for her head. But the fear was in no way strong enough to make her cower, or to wish she had never learned what she now knew. Even the thought of what she had become, of what she had lost, wasn't as bitter a pill to swallow as it once had been. Silmeria didn't embrace wholly her new life as a vampire, but she also knew she wouldn't have been able to stomach life as a Valkyrie who blindly followed a tyrant's orders, never questioning that a different side to reality as they knew it, might have existed.
She didn't dare speak out loud how foolish she and the other Valkyrie were, for worry of the adamant agreement Brahms would have given her. He wasn't one to hold back his opinions, always ready to give her the hard facts that Silmeria often did not want to acknowledge. She didn't think him the type to rub words in her face, but in this moment? With his disappointment and hurt coloring his expression, Brahms having turned angry in response to yet another rejection from her? He just might say something then that neither one of them could abide by.
She hadn't meant to hurt him. Not this time. But it had been too much, too many cold truths on top of the expectations he had of her. Expectations she had tasted first hand in his memories, the attraction, the obsession, even what might be classified as love pulling Brahms to her. It was overwhelming, and maybe even downright frightening to be wanted that badly. To be needed so desperately, Brahms seeming to pin his every hope for happiness on Silmeria alone. Silmeria didn't think she could live up to his hopes, wasn't sure he wouldn't be ultimately disappointed in her. How could she make him happy, when Silmeria didn't know how to achieve that happiness for herself? She wasn't a normal person, she had been a minor deity, a Goddess. All she had ever known was the battlefield, and the lifetimes of training spent to make her a warrior worthy to fight in Odin's name. She didn't know how to truly live, and she wasn't even sure if Brahms knew how to either.
