The snapshot of domestic tranquility shocked her back into the moment.
An odd fragment of thought repeated itself in her mind. Who let you believe it was your fault? You weren’t a single mother. Your man should have helped. You shouldn’t have had to do it all yourself. Don’t you see, he should have been there for you.
She blinked and sat up as the course of the afternoon came roaring back through her mind. Phil rustled and turned. She studied him. Had he said those words merely to console her or did he really believe them?
Was a guy like Phil capable of committing to one woman? Would it matter if he could? She shook her head—she couldn’t handle this pregnancy. She never deserved to be a mother again.
She lay back on the pillow and stared through the shadows at the ceiling, desperately in need of sorting through her problems.
She studied Phil’s mop of dark blond hair, his straight and strong profile. She ran her finger along the length of his red-tinged sideburn. In other circumstances, she could see herself waking up next to a guy like Phil for the rest of her life. If things were different.
It was a fool’s dream.
You don’t deserve to be happy. You’re a murderer.
Out of reflex, she curled into a ball and covered her eyes. The negative thoughts her husband had charged her with day after day until they’d divorced became so strong she couldn’t ward them off. A queasy feeling took hold in her stomach, and self-hatred pulled her deeper inward. She definitely couldn’t keep the baby.
“Are you all right?” Phil took her by the shoulders and shook her. “Hey, what’s going on? Are you having a nightmare?” He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head.
“Yes,” was all she could whisper. “A nightmare.”
“Come here,” he said, rubbing her back and kissing her again.
He wanted to protect her. Had her ex-husband ever offered to protect her at the worst moment of her life? No. He’d blamed her. He’d called her out as the monster she was.
What kind of person would do that? he’d accused.
Along with the vivid memory, Stephanie whimpered, and Phil drew her closer to him. His warm chest and strong arms gave little solace. She didn’t deserve solace.
“Let me take care of you,” he said. ‘I don’t want any thing bad to happen to you.”
What happened to two weeks of good times? No strings attached? Now, only because she was pregnant, he wanted to take care of her? If she weren’t pregnant, would he still want her? Could she trust a man like Phil to be there if she needed him?
He was practically a stranger, and she needed to think things through.
Confused and unable to respond to his caring words, she bolted from the bed.
He looked like a man about out of patience.
“Phil…” She paced the length of the rug. “This wasn’t supposed to happen with us.”
“You’re right. But it did, and now we have to figure out what to do.”
Why did he sound so reasonable?
The jumble of feelings and fears caused that queasy sensation to double into a fist of nausea. Before she could think another thought, she sprinted for the bathroom.
Phil sat outside the washroom door, listening to Stephanie heave as if exorcising a demon. He scrubbed his face. What in hell was he supposed to do now? Was he anywhere near ready to be a father? At the moment it seemed the bigger problem was that Stephanie felt determined not to be a mother again.
What kind of mind game had her ex-husband played on her to make her feel so unworthy of a second chance?
Behind the door, the toilet flushed and the faucet was turned on. For Stephanie’s fragile sake, no matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn’t dare broach the subject that they were having a baby until she brought it up.
Maybe he could distract her. Why not pretend things were the same as they were two days ago? What normal activity would they have done this weekend before everything had changed?
“I was thinking that maybe today we could shop for a Christmas tree,” he called through the door, feeling completely at a loss for what to say or do. All he knew was that he wanted to make things easier for her. Maybe he could distract her with something fun and frivolous like buying a Christmas tree. It was the season.
She didn’t answer.
Lame idea. Okay, he’d think of something else. He’d help her get through the shock of it by keeping her busy, and maybe in the process he’d manage to work out his own feelings. “Or we could take the dogs to the beach.”
Still no answer.
A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom fully dressed.
He went on alert.
“I’m going away,” she said. “I need to be alone.”
He jumped to his feet. “What? Don’t I figure into this?”
With eyes as flat as stone, she looked at him. “Ultimately, it all comes down to me and what I decide to do.”
He words were like a slap to the face. Just like that, she’d shut him out. He needed to buy time, to keep her there. “At least let me fix you something to eat.”
“I don’t want anything.”
“You can’t just think about yourself anymore.” Ah, damn, that had been the wrong thing to say. Why was he such an idiot?
She gave him a measured look. He wished he could see inside her mind, to figure out what was going on. He was at a loss and she wasn’t having a thing to do with his fumbling attempts to keep her there.
Stunned silent, he watched her gather up her purse and leave.
Phil couldn’t stand staying in his house alone, so he herded the dogs into his Woodie and drove to the beach. Sherwood stayed close to his side as Daisy romped through the waves, chasing the Frisbee he threw again and again.
Never in his life had he been more confused about a woman. He’d covered for his true feelings when he’d insisted they carpool to work together. He hadn’t wanted to scare her off by asking her to move in with him for the rest of her time in Santa Barbara, though that was exactly what he’d wanted. Hell, these new feelings scared him enough for both of them. The problem was, for the first time in his adult life he was open to exploring where this “thing” between him and Stephanie might lead. And she’d have nothing to do with him.
He’d never cherished a woman in his life, yet last night, after she’d told him her darkest secret and they’d made love, he’d felt the subtle shift of his heart. She’d transformed from hot girlfriend to the woman he loved…and she was carrying their child. Had he just admitted he loved her?
He swallowed, wanting nothing more than to prove he could be the kind of man she deserved. A man who believed in her, who’d never let her down. Was he capable of such a thing?
He’d learned an important fact about himself when Robbie had been thrust on him. When he set his mind to something, he could do it. No matter how foreign or hard, he could make it work. He and his little brother were closer than ever before, and Phil was quite sure he could do even better by his own kid. The thought excited him, and he wanted to make things work out with Stephanie. He’d never wanted anything so much in his life.
Yet, just like his mother, when life had gotten tough, she’d split.
Daisy scampered toward him, soaking wet, and dropped the slobbery Frisbee at his feet. Deep in thought, he hardly noticed he’d thrown the toy back to sea. Sherwood snuggled on his lap. Without thinking, he rubbed the dog’s ears.
“Don’t worry, boy, she’ll be back for you. I’m the one she left.”
Phil couldn’t sleep all weekend. He felt like hell on Monday, and with a million lectures planned for Stephanie, he was surprised to find out she’d called in sick. As hard as it was, he’d given her the weekend to sort things through, but she still wasn’t ready to face him. Or their baby.
Frustrated, he scraped the stubble on his jaw. Damn, he’d forgotten to shave, but it didn’t matter. He was far more concerned whether Stephanie had made a rash decision or not. Damn it, he deserved to be in on
any decisions she made about their baby, but she wouldn’t answer her phone. He’d called by the extended-stay hotel, only to be told she’d checked out.
He dialed her cell number again and it went directly to messages, then he shoved it back into his pocket. Gaby give him a strange look.
“What?” he said.
“Nothing.” She went back to her task as if it was the most important thing on the planet.
Jason buzzed him on the intercom. “Hey, just wanted to tell you that Claire is going to pick up as many of Stephanie’s patients as she can. I’ll see a few myself.”
“I’m a pulmonologist.” Phil censured the expletive he wanted to utter. “I don’t know squat about gynecology. Can’t help.” He clicked off without giving Jason a chance to respond.
Stephanie cried about everything. What to eat. What to wear. Whether to get out of bed. Whether to run away to the desert. Every single thing about life set her off.
She’d changed hotels, and gave strict instructions that no one was to know which room she was in. Yet deep inside she wished Phil would find her. And that made her cry, too.
With each passing day, she grew more aware of the life forming inside her, and with that knowledge she forged a private bond with the baby. The thought of giving it up…made her cry.
She couldn’t fight her desire to be in Phil’s arms any more than she could resist his easy charm, so she’d opted to stay away. When she’d bared her soul to him, he’d acted more like a prince than a playboy. He’d gathered her close to his chest and stroked her cheek with his thumb, and she’d almost believed that things could work out for them. Almost.
She’d seen all the evidence over the past month. He’d professed to be a confirmed and happy bachelor, yet he owned a house fit for a family. He loved to putter around in the yard and garden just as much as he liked to surf. And he was a great cook, better than she was.
When she saw how he was with Robbie, she knew he’d make a great father for some lucky child some day. And when he’d suggested they each buy a dog, it had almost been as if he’d wanted to test the waters on commitment.
But that was her side of the story. What he really thought or felt would remain a mystery, because she couldn’t face him. Not with what she had planned.
She sighed and pulled the comforter closer. Besides, he deserved a lady who wanted kids, and she’d finally made up her mind what she was going to do. And the decision…made her cry.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
STEPHANIE’S sense of duty drove her back to work on Wednesday. That and the fact she couldn’t bear to be alone with her tortured thoughts another day.
She entered the MidCoast Medical clinic cautiously, peeked around the door and edged her way inside.
The first voice she heard was Phil’s and she almost ran the other way. A fist-size knot clenched her stomach, forcing her to stand still.
“Gaby,” he said, “I asked you to bring Mr. Leventhal in this morning. Why is he still on the schedule for this afternoon?” He sounded irritated.
“It didn’t work with his schedule, Dr. Hansen.” Smooth professional that she was, Gaby didn’t let his snit bother her. “Welcome back, Dr. Bennett.”
Stephanie had never seen Phil look so horrible. He had dark circles under his eyes similar to football players’ black antiglare paint, and when was the last time the man had shaved? His hair was in need of a good combing, too, and…did he actually have on two different-colored socks?
He stopped in his tracks when he noticed her. She didn’t look any better than he did. His consuming stare made her forget how to breathe. All she could do was nod and make a straight line for her office. She felt his glare on her back the entire way, and prayed he wouldn’t follow her.
With a trembling hand, she reached for the doorknob. How would she make it through the day?
Feeling emotionally and physically drained, she wondered how much longer she could keep going like this. After the New Year, she’d move back to Palm Desert, but first she had to get through Christmas, and she owed the medical clinic the time she’d signed on for. After she put on her doctor’s coat, she wrapped her hands around her waist and realized she’d been doing that a lot lately. The baby was quickly becoming a part of her every thought.
Maria Avila came waddling into the clinic. “My back is killing me,” she said.
“Why don’t you go home, take a load off your feet? You don’t have to do this today,” Stephanie said.
“Are you kidding? This is what I live for. If I go home, I’ll have two kids under the age of five to chase around. Heck, I know where I’m better off.” She gave a wry laugh, and her face lit up with her usual infectious grin. “Besides, I need to make up for that clinical day I missed on Thanksgiving.”
Stephanie couldn’t help but smile back as she shook her head. “Here’s our first patient. Why don’t you do the honors?” At least one of them wanted to be there.
Maria snatched the chart. “Great!”
All morning Maria shadowed Stephanie. Occasionally, she rubbed her back and sighed, but never complained about the highly charged pace Stephanie insisted on keeping. It was the only way to keep her mind off Phil and their baby.
At lunchtime, Stephanie holed up in her office with a sack lunch, and Maria waddled off to the nurses’ lounge.
“I’m gonna go put my feet up,” Maria said, on her way out of the office.
No less than five minutes later, just as Stephanie finished a small sandwich, a rapid knock alerted her to someone at the door. Her heart stammered, and she prayed it wasn’t Phil.
The door swung inward as it became evident her prayer hadn’t been answered. He closed it and strode toward her desk, his intense gaze knocking the wind out of her.
“Have you made up your mind yet about what you plan to do?”
She stared at her desk. There wasn’t the slightest tone of compassion in his voice. He hadn’t wasted one second on preliminaries. If he wanted to be direct, she’d join him. “I’m going to give the baby up for adoption.”
Her decision hit Phil as if a boulder had dropped on his chest—it crushed him and made it hard to breathe. Give their baby up? He’d been on the verge of telling her he loved her the other morning, the day she’d left. She’d put him through hell this week while he impatiently waited for her to make her decision. Now she’d made the second-worst decision he could have imagined. Give up their baby?
Could he honestly love a woman who would walk away from her child? She wasn’t an unwed teenager—she was a well-established adult who could easily care for a child. Yet she wanted to give the baby away. It didn’t make any sense, but he’d never been in her shoes. He couldn’t imagine how it must feel to bear the brunt of a child’s accidental death.
He wanted more than anything to be angry at her for resisting this special gift, but he couldn’t. The fact was he loved her. He wasn’t sure if she felt anything for him, though. Her careless disregard for his feelings proved otherwise.
“The baby is mine, too. Remember?” he said. “We made it together.”
She glanced at him, as if it had never occurred to her that he might want to be involved in the decisions.
He stood before her, hands at his sides, opening and closing his fists. “How selfish of you. You haven’t even asked me what I’d do.”
Surprise colored her eyes. She sat straighter. Had it really never occurred to her that he’d want to be involved with any decision she made about their baby? Things were more screwed up than he’d imagined.
“I’m sorry if that’s what you think. Doesn’t it always fall on the woman?” She stood and met him eye to eye. He fought the urge to grab her arms and shake her. “You’ve got your carefree life. You’ve never given me a hint that you were interested in anything more than sex and a good time, and suddenly I’m supposed to consult you because I got pregnant? Is that it?”
She’d challenged him, and he needed to tell her the truth. If nothing else, she deserved the truth.
“The day I met you,” he said, “I was really turned on by your looks, but the more I got to know you, the more I knew you’d been hurt in life. I just wanted to be your friend and, if I was lucky, maybe be your lover. I never would have dreamed what followed.”
“That I’d screw things up and get pregnant?”
He ignored her defiant tone. “That I would fall in love with you.”
Stephanie needed to sit down.
Tingles burst free in her chest and rained over her body. She squeezed her eyes closed, and soon large tears dripped over her cheeks. She clenched her jaw to keep from blubbering. If only she weren’t pregnant, she’d be free to love him, too. “Phil…”
“I want you to know where I stand.” He knelt in front of her and looked into her face. She bowed her head to hide her tears.
At a loss for one single word, Stephanie withdrew into her thoughts. She loved him; he loved her, so why couldn’t they have a happy ending? Because she couldn’t bear to lose another child—she still didn’t trust herself.
“If you’re giving up the baby,” he said, “give it to me.”
“Give it to you?” Oh, God, how could she do that? She loved Phil, and he wanted to keep their baby. Remembering the special love she’d felt from him last Friday night, and how he’d taken care of her like a mother hen, she believed he loved her, but would he want her if she wasn’t pregnant? Now she’d lose both the baby and Phil. Could she remove herself so easily from the equation? If she changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby, would he want her, too? Or would he hate her?
“I’ll do the best I can as a father.”
She couldn’t believe what he was telling her.
By putting him in this situation, not by choice, she’d never know if he stayed with her out of love or obligation, and not knowing for sure would kill her and eventually ruin their relationship. Oh, God, her mind was so mixed up, she couldn’t think straight.
The Christmas Baby Bump Page 14
