She jumped to her feet, shaking her head. “No, Brad. Contracts are made to be kept. I made a commitment.” She emphasised the word, pronouncing each syllable carefully. “A commitment means I choose to do what I promised, even if I don’t feel like it.”
“Awww, c’mon, princess. If you can choose, you can unchoose. Surely you’d rather fly home with me?” He held his arms wide open.
Once upon a time, despite her fear that he’d leave her again, she would have fallen into his arms. Brad offered what she’d once wanted more than anything else in the world. But the fairy tale ended here. She wasn’t so desperate to feel loved that she’d forget integrity or morals.
She’d obviously learned some sense since then.
Something Brad needed to do, as well. He might be a good guy at heart, but he had some growing up to do, and fast.
Time for some straight talking.
“If you said that to Maddie, no wonder she divorced you. Knowing you dumped me to be with her, she’d always wonder how long she had before you dumped her in turn.”
His arms dropped to his side. “She knew I loved her,” he said, but his voice held a sulky note. “She was the one who ended it, not me.”
“I’m guessing that, like me, she wants a grown up man. A man who understands the meaning of commitment, who knows that God wants us to keep our promises.”
Turning to the roses, she pulled them from the vase, and thrust the dripping bunch at him. He made no move to take them. “You’ve made a lovely, romantic gesture, and I appreciate it. But when was the last time you gave Maddie flowers? Go home. Sort things out with her. Win her trust, and convince her you’ll stay.”
“But I’m in love with you.” Something in his tone reminded her of a toddler refused candy.
“No. You might think you are, but you’re not. You’re in love with being in love.”
With a pang that twisted in her chest, Zoe knew it was time to let go of her childish dreams. What she’d told him was true. Brad didn’t love her at all. He just loved the romance, the buzz, the opportunity to be seen making big extravagant gestures.
She saw now what she’d been too young to see at eighteen. His deep insecurity, his need to be the centre of attention, his need to know that he was adored. That was the real reason he was here.
Brad couldn’t bear to be alone. He’d dealt with his divorce by jumping right into a fantasy of loving her. Exactly what she’d feared Gabe had done, running into a relationship as a way to avoid feeling grief.
Suddenly, she understood.
Seeing Brad made her remember the girl she’d been. The way she’d locked up her longing for love when he dumped her. The way she’d made a shrine to him in her heart. The way she’d turned her heartbreak around to become an anti-romance crusader, hiding the hurt little girl part of herself away behind the detached unfeeling scientist, on a mission to stop other girls being hurt.
Now, she felt that hurt and want and need all over again. Just like Brad, she wanted to be loved. But it was Gabe’s love she wanted.
And Gabe had walked away. His feelings for her might be just as much an illusion as Brad’s were. An escape from grief, and the effect of the experiment.
She simply didn’t know.
All she knew was that she loved him. It took seeing the fake, her imaginary feelings for Brad, to recognise the real thing.
Before she could do anything else, she needed to deal with Brad.
“Go to Maddie. You might have those divorce papers, but she’s still your wife.” She waved the bunch of roses filling her arms. “She’s the one you should be trying to romance and win back, not me. But buy some flowers with a scent for her. And whatever you do, don’t call her princess.”
“Awww, princess…” he started. Then he stopped himself. A dawning realisation in his eyes showed he did call Maddie princess too.
A bubble of laughter that couldn’t be contained started in Zoe’s belly and rose up her throat.
“See what I mean,” she choked out, before the laughter burst from her. She laughed until she shook with it, dropping the roses. Tears filled her eyes and her nose ran. It wasn’t just laughter, it was emotional release, all the tears she hadn’t cried six years before.
Though it was funny, too.
She grabbed a handful of tissues and blew her nose, hard, then looked to Brad. Hopefully, she hadn’t hurt his feelings. He wasn’t the sort of man to like being laughed at.
Brad smiled, though uncertainly. “I think I get it.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you. Just the whole crazy situation. You’re here with me, but I know it’s Maddie you love. I saw how she looked at you in some of those pictures with Jacob. She loved you, for sure. Probably, she still does. Go back to her. Work at your relationship. Convince her she’s the one you love, the one you want to be with for life. Not just the one you’re with until someone you feel more in love with comes along.”
“Do you really think she’d take me back?” The humility in his voice was something she’d never heard from Brad before.
Smiling, she took his hand and clasped it firmly, like a friend. She felt nothing more than that for him now. “I don’t know. But I know you need to try.” She nudged the roses on the floor with a foot. “This is just game playing. What you might be able to rebuild with Maddie and Jacob is real. You have a family. You stood in church and promised to stay with her. That’s what counts.”
His nod held more sureness this time. “You’re right. I do still love her. I’ll go back. If I need to work hard to make her fall in love with me all over again, I will.”
“I’m glad.” It wasn’t just words. She did feel glad. Whatever she’d imagined she felt for Brad was gone, replaced with a far more sisterly love.
He touched her cheek gently. “Wise Zoe. You were always the smart one. Smarter than me.” His smile took an edge of mischief. “You were right about me, let’s see if I’m right about you. That guy you were with downstairs, is he really just a work colleague?”
Zoe stopped herself from automatically nodding. If she wanted Brad to be honest, she had to be honest, too.
“I’m not sure,” she admitted. “I hoped… I’d like him to be something more.” She didn’t want to share the fear she’d lost Gabe, painfully tightening her chest.
“Okay, so let’s make a deal.” Brad’s old conquer-the-world confidence was back. “I go after Maddie, you go after him.” Brad grinned. “I’ll invite you to my wedding if you’ll invite me to yours.”
Chances were, she wouldn’t have a wedding to invite him to. Her face scrunched up at the hurtful thought she tried to push away. With a determined effort, she pinned on a smile. “I’ll hold you to that.”
Brad bent and picked up the roses that she’d dropped. Standing, he handed them to her, with a flourish. “Thank you for bringing me to my senses. Keep these. I’ll take Maddie sweet peas. She told me once how much she loves their perfume.”
“You’re learning.” Zoe smiled.
“I’d better go. I have a ticket to buy for tonight’s red eye flight.” The hug Brad gave her stirred no more feelings than a hug from Nick would.
“I’ll look out for that wedding invitation. And I’ll be praying for you.”
“Thanks.” Then he was out the door, and gone.
No more need to hide her feelings.
She collapsed onto the couch, dropping the flowers on the low table, and buried her face in her hands. Silent tears wracked her.
Help me God, please, help me. Have I lost all my chances at love?
Tiff was there as soon as the front door closed, wrapping comforting arms around her but staying silent. Once Zoe’s sobs subsided, her hug loosened and she turned so they sat knee to knee.
“I’m proud of you, sis. You’d made an idol of your feelings for Brad. The temple of lost love, you know?”
Zoe sniffed and hiccupped, struggling to reply. Her eyes stung and her chest ached and she felt like she’d run a marathon. But she
also felt lighter, free of the burden of that old emotion. The bondage was gone, like chains dropping away from her. She dragged in a breath.
“Yes. I had done that. But not any more. Brad said one thing right. What we choose, we can unchoose. I’m always talking about how love is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. It’s not something we fall into, powerless to control.”
Tiff nodded, crinkling her brow in concern.
That concern encouraged Zoe to keep talking. They’d always been close in their own way, but so different. She’d never let Tiff see the weakness and fear she’d kept hidden. She’d never opened up this honestly to her twin before. It was like letting go of Brad removed a barrier that separated her from Tiff, too.
Maybe from everyone.
“I talked the talk about choice, but didn’t walk it. I felt powerless to let go of Brad. But what I felt for him wasn’t love. I just didn’t want to empty that shrine to him I’d made in my heart.” A sigh shuddered through her. “It feels kind of empty now. I might have lost Gabe, I’ve sent Brad home, it feels like I have nothing.”
Her twin’s hand tightened on hers. “You know, one thing I’ve learned from loving Mac is that all love comes from God. We can’t truly love unless we let His love fill our hearts first.”
Zoe shook her head. That wasn’t the problem. “I know all about that. I mean, we’ve been believers all our lives.”
Tiff hesitated, frowning, then words tumbled from her. “Knowing it and feeling it are two different things. I always felt second best compared to you and Mom. I wasn’t smart like you or perfect at everything like Mom. I couldn’t believe that God would really love me, too. Not as I was, anyway. I knew He loved me, but I didn’t feel it. I never let Him into my heart. Feeling it has made all the difference.”
Zoe’s heart convulsed, tightening in her chest. She pressed her hands against her mouth, and tears filled her eyes again as she stared at her sister. “You felt that too? I thought it was only me. I never wanted to be smart. I wanted to be pretty like you. I’ve been so jealous.” She shook her head, disbelief clutching her so tight she felt barely able to breathe.
Then sobs wracked her again, even more powerfully than the first time. She’d never truly chosen love. She’d never loved God. She knew it now. She’d believed in her mind, but not her heart. So she’d never allowed His love in. She’d never felt good enough, had always thought she had to keep trying harder to win His love.
And all along, what she needed to do was open her heart.
Oh Lord, dear Jesus, forgive me. I want to love You. Help me to stop fighting You. Help me to open my heart to You, fully and completely, nothing hidden. Help me to let go of anything that blocks me from feeling Your love.
Then she felt it. Love welling up in her, like a fountain, like a pool filling with pure sweet water, opening her heart, expanding in her, soaking her with light and joy. She burst out laughing, with a true childlike delight in God, making her want to dance, to turn in circles, to raise her arms, to sing.
She felt it! She felt His love.
And in that moment she knew, nothing would be the same in her life.
At last, she truly knew love was a choice.
A choice she needed to trust in, without waiting to see if the other person loved her first, without waiting for them to make promises, or prove they meant it. She needed to love as freely and generously and abundantly as God did, asking nothing in return.
Love wasn’t the problem. Love that wasn’t truly love, selfish needy love that demanded for itself, that was the problem. Love without commitment, taking without giving, that was the problem.
She’d focused on the wrong thing, the past six years. She’d focused on why love didn’t work, when she needed to focus on why it did.
The approach God wanted her to take meant finding solutions to keep love alive. All she’d done was emphasise the problems.
People needed help to keep choosing to love, even when it was hard, even when they didn’t feel loving, even when it seemed they weren’t loved back. God always wanted us to choose love.
Now she knew, totally knew from the deepest part of her heart, she loved Gabe. Freely and gladly and passionately, wanting only the best for him, even if he didn’t love her in return.
And loving him like that was blessing enough.
Chapter 23
Gabe threw on sweats after his shower and headed for the kitchen. The hot water helped his aching muscles, but hadn’t done much for his aching heart.
He’d done right backing off, letting Zoe decide. She still loved Brad. She had what she wanted. More than anything else on this earth, he wanted her to be happy.
Wanting that didn’t make the gaping hole of loss any easier.
As he entered the living room, Patrick looked up from his computer, smiled, and pointed to his headset to show he couldn't talk.
Skyping Mary, no doubt.
Since Patrick reconnected with his close childhood friend, now a widow, on Facebook last week, they’d spoken for hours every day.
Gabe mimed drinking coffee, and Patrick nodded.
When Gabe returned with a mug each, Patrick had taken off his headset. He sat gazing at his computer, a bemused and dreamy expression on his face.
“I've done it, dear boy,” he said. “The one thing I never imagined I'd do.”
“What's that?” Gabe had no idea what he was talking about.
“I asked Mary to marry me.” Patrick grinned wide enough to crack his face.
Gabe blinked. He didn't want his surprise to show, but he was sure it did. He almost needed to prop his sagging jaw back up again to speak. “You have? Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” Patrick steepled his fingers beneath his chin and smiled. “I know you’re surprised. I am myself. Since I turned nineteen, I’ve focused on work. Relationships, pffftt, they didn't count. It was getting a name for myself that counted. Publications, recognition, awards. And what did that get me? A life mostly spent alone, and three nights in a hospital bed at fifty nine, facing my own mortality.” He shook his head. “Nothing like a brush with death to concentrate a man’s mind. I don't think on my real deathbed I'll wish I'd collected a few more publications, or presented more at conferences.”
“I’m blown away by how fast you’ve moved. Only ten days since you found her again. But I hope you’ll both be very happy.”
Patrick already looked happier than Gabe had seen him. He’d drifted into a low mood in the weeks after his heart attack, missing work. But finding Mary had changed that.
Patrick nodded. “We will be. Don’t forget, we practically grew up together, and were in the same group of friends in our teens. I’m sure of my decision and she is too. It makes no sense to wait. We’ve waited forty years, after all.” He hesitated, threw Gabe a searching glance, then steepled his fingers under his chin. “I didn’t tell you this before, but I loved her then. I never spoke, because I thought she preferred my cousin. I won the scholarship and moved away to Dublin. Turns out, it was me she loved, but when I left, she thought I didn’t care for her. So many years wasted, because we both feared to speak. At least you and Zoe won’t make that silly mistake, out of fear of being rejected.”
Gabe smiled and nodded, but said nothing. Now wasn’t the time to confess he’d done precisely that, but even if he’d spoken, their story wouldn’t have the same happy ending.
Patrick didn’t need anything to rub the edges off his joy.
“Speaking of Zoe…” Patrick scrabbled around in the papers on his desk and held out a handful.
A journal article. Identifiable Patterns in Relationship Longevity. Why was Patrick giving him this?
“I heard you and Zoe talking about how love is a choice, not a feeling,” Patrick explained. “It made sense. I did some searches, and found this paper. She’ll want to read it. The researcher looked at what kept couples together. The biggest common factor was committing to their choice. They chose to stay in love. They chose to stay together. Well,
I've chosen Mary, and she's chosen me.”
Gabe nodded. He and Zoe wouldn’t have that choice. She’d chosen Brad. “I’m glad for you,” he said.
Patrick’s face crinkled into an impish smile. “The other thing I've chosen is to retire. My pension will keep us both. I'm quitting academia to live in Ireland with her. I’ll go back to work next week, but only for as long as it takes to tie up all the loose ends ready for my successor there.”
The beatific expression on his face showed he meant it.
Gabe didn't know what to say. The older man seemed to have ten times his ability to make decisions and act on them. “Wow,” he managed, feeling inadequate. “Just... wow.”
“I’ve got emails to send, and a resignation letter to write. So many arrangements to make. I need to get busy. I can't wait. The second half of my life begins now.” Patrick’s goofy grin took ten years off him.
Gabe jumped up and shook Patrick’s hand, congratulated him again, then headed back to his room with his coffee.
Patrick was happy. That was what mattered. He just hoped Patrick would stay happy.
Lord, please, keep him safe, keep him from being hurt. Proposing to someone he hasn’t seen in forty years, even if he loved her then, seems a risky game to play.
Then it hit him, Patrick wasn’t playing a game. Being safe wasn’t always the most important thing.
Love was the most important thing.
He’d held back from speaking to Zoe, for fear of being hurt, but love always meant hurt. Hurt was the price of entry.
Love always ended, one way or another. Even lifelong love ended.
If a man wanted to avoid that hurt, he’d have to stay alone all his life.
He’d kidded himself he didn’t want to be rejected, but the fear holding him back was bigger than that. What he really feared was losing love. That’s what he’d protected himself from by not speaking.
Mom had missed Dad so badly, she hadn't wanted to fight the cancer that killed her. Would she have said ‘No’ to the shared blessings of almost thirty years with him, if she'd known how it would end? Somehow, he doubted it. Dad wouldn’t have said ‘No’ either, though he would have done anything to save her pain if he could.
Forget Paris: Sweet and clean Christian romance in Paris and London (Love In Store Book 4) Page 16
