“Yes. I hate me. I hate that I was such a coward.” She thumped her forehead hard into the overhead kitchen cupboard. Hot tears drenched her face, but the pain against her forehead felt deserved. The truth was she had stayed with Nick because she hoped she could change him. He’d had such a pitiful childhood that she had blinded herself to the animal he truly was. Hearing her sad story out loud only made her more aware how foolish she was. She hit her forehead harder and harder. Dishes rattled. “It’s my fault. I should’ve killed him.”
“Well, then can I teach you to shoot a gun?” His question stopped her self-abuse.
“W-what?”
She wiped her face with another fistful of tissues before she turned to face him. His invitation sounded like he would help her kill the man who had murdered her sons, but when she looked at Alex, his face was filled with tenderness. A creeping awareness tickled the back of her mind. No. This man wasn’t going to help her commit murder.
“Think about it. It might be nice to get some of your power back. It’s not like we have to blow anyone’s brains out, but we could put some more tools in your arsenal. You’ll feel better knowing you can protect yourself.” He was so matter of fact, his eyes searching hers like an intense probing spotlight looking for what? She had nothing to offer, nothing but sins she would never be able to atone for.
“But I did want to blow his brains out.”
“No, Kelsey.” Alex shook his head slowly. “I know you. You wouldn’t kill anyone. Besides, the best thing you can learn is how to defend yourself. Lots of women are expert marksmen. You’re smart. You might be surprised.”
She recognized the truth in his words. Alex was right. She couldn’t hit another person much less kill them. The false heat of her anger dissipated in the warmth of his eyes.
“Do you remember the day I got shot?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” she whispered. She couldn’t look away.
“You never even racked the slide.”
“I never what?”
“Remember the gun I gave you? It’s a semi-automatic. It was still on safety. You have to switch the safety off and rack the slide before a round enters the chamber. You couldn’t have killed anyone even if you’d tried.”
“How do you know? You were dying.”
“The sheriff told me that’s how he found my gun. He kept it for evidence.”
“But I thought I could.”
“Like I said. I know you,” he said gently. “You don’t have a mean bone in your body.”
She blew out a huge sigh of relief. The knowledge that she had almost killed Nick, even though he was a murderer, had tormented her. But now she wanted to know.
“Why are you doing all of this?”
He shrugged. “It’s easy to be nice to the nice.”
“No, I mean it. You’ve saved my life over and over again. Why? What do you get out of all this besides someone to walk your dogs?”
There was a quiet tease in his voice. “If I remember correctly, you saved my life, too.”
“No.” She shook her head to emphasize her words. “This isn’t just a payback. You’ve taken care of me for months. What’s really going on between us?”
Alex hesitated, his gaze soft and tender. “I’m a selfish man. Before you came into my life, this house was just a mattress in the bedroom and a refrigerator in the kitchen. Oh yeah, and two dogs out back in the kennel. Now it’s a home.”
She studied him carefully, trying to make sense of his words.
“I need to know you’re safe, Kelsey. I can’t take that for granted this time. I need to be sure.”
She stilled as the confusion in her head dissipated.
“And I like coming home to you. At least I did. Not sure what happened this afternoon. Guess I was expecting a different welcome than you were.”
“I’m sorry. I ….” Somehow she had to make him understand.
“You’re afraid of me. You’ve been through hell. I get it. I’ll back off.” He leaned back in his chair, but that simple gesture of distancing himself from her said it all. She had misread his intentions every step of the way.
“No.” She panicked, the foolish game of avoidance clear in her mind. Yes, she was afraid, but not of him.
“And I’m sorry I pushed you into coming all the way across country. That was arrogant of me to think I know what’s best for you. If you’d rather be in Washington, I’ll take you back first thing in the morning.” He brushed a hand through his hair, the look on his face confused and maybe a little exasperated, too. He was such a handsome man when he wasn’t giving her the cold shoulder.
“No.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
“No!”
Alex shut his mouth, a bemused twinkle in his eye.
“Yes, I was afraid, but not of you. I mean, I was afraid of what you’d think of me if I—”
“What is it you want, Kelsey?”
A shiver spiraled down her spine and back up again. What she thought or wanted hadn’t mattered in a long time. His quiet question elicited an electric charge that wriggled all the way down to her toes. What do I want?
Something intense and hot stirred in her belly for the first time in forever. She saw him clearly now. Alex was a man in love. Just like that, she knew what she wanted.
“I want ... you.”
Sixteen
Kelsey
Too close. He’s way too close.
Kelsey clutched the counter’s edge as anxiety ratcheted up her throat. She wanted to throw up she was so scared. With those three words barely out of her mouth, Alex was across the room, and leaning over her where she stood with all her sins dripping off her face. Part of her wanted to scream, the other cry, while yet another wanted to run and hide. Instead of taking hold of her though, instead of grabbing her by the hair and slapping, choking, or shaking her, he simply braced a hand at each side.
Courage stirred for the first time in months. Hold. Wait. Be still ….
He leaned his face into her hair, his own breathing as ragged as hers. Fight or flight. She wanted to run. She was caught. No, not caught— trapped. No, not even trapped—maybe just surrounded? With her heart hammering in every vein and artery, thinking was impossible. His warm breath brushed her cheek. She cringed, her head turned into her shoulder and her neck exposed. He’s too close.
Courage whispered to her again. Listen. Just hear him out.
“And I want you, Kelsey. I’ve wanted you since the first time I held you that night in the cabin.” He breathed against her cheek before he kissed it tenderly. As he trailed a warm, moist path to her mouth, every kiss and nibble sparked a reaction that robbed her strength. Her skin tingled beneath those simple contacts, each touch coaxing and deliberate, leaving a line of heat in its wake. He seemed to be asking permission all along the way.
She squeezed her eyes as the prickly roughness of his whiskers and the intoxicating taste of coffee on his mouth descended for his first taste. His lips so gentle on hers were the most persuasive sensation she had ever felt. A clenching pool of heat pulsed deep in her stomach, a livewire of achy, trembling need that demanded relief. He tasted her lips with his tongue, and then the tip of her tongue.
Her stupid heart screamed YES. A thousand times YES.
But irrational guilt stopped her cold. Not yet. It’s too soon. Waaaaayyyy too soon.
Courage intervened again. You’re okay. He won’t hurt you. Keep breathing.
Alex whispered against her ear. “The honest truth is I don’t want to lose you. I need to know you’re safe, because I love you.”
His lips hot against her ear, she shivered as he kissed a tender path down her jaw again. A rush of heat swarmed up her legs, over her clenched stomach on its way through her chest. It felt like it exploded through the top of her head. A bolt of lightning could not have burned hotter. Without touching anything but her lips, he had claimed her right then and there. She was his. She knew it, and she wanted to give him anything
and everything he asked.
Still pressed against the counter, she felt sure he could hear the wild staccato hammering in her heart. She wondered if she leaned into him, would he catch her? If she fell, would she find herself in his arms? If she fainted, would he—
“I’m late for work.” With those unexpected words, Alex straightened and walked out the door without a backward glance.
What the—?
Kelsey slid down the counter, every ounce of strength evaporated. She landed on her butt with a graceless thump, his kiss gone too quickly from her face. The wonderful warmth of the moment went out the door with him, leaving her alone? Unhappy? Empty? And definitely unbalanced.
Her tongue tasted where his lips had just been. Her chin still felt the rub of his stubble. The lingering scent of sawdust and spice filled her nose. She shivered, still tasting, still feeling, and finally breathing. Like a fool, she had stood there without so much as a return hug. She hadn’t even returned his kiss. Am I insane?
Kelsey scrambled to her feet. She knew what she wanted and she wasn’t afraid. Well, okay, so maybe she was, but he needed to know, and she needed to tell him. She threw open the back door, intending to run if she had to. She just didn’t think she would nearly run him over.
Alex stood in the pale glow of the back porch light, his arms folded as he leaned against his truck in the carport. She couldn’t see the blue of his eyes, only the quiet worry on his face. Another strike of lightning sizzled. White-hot lightning. Hot enough to melt two people together if they weren’t careful. She had no intentions of being careful, not any more.
“You’re here.” Kelsey blurted out the first dumb words in her overheated mind.
“Yes. I am.”
Alex
What was I thinking?
He had just made an ass of himself, turned tail, and run for the first time in his life. It was too soon, and she too fragile. She hadn’t even responded, other than to tremble all the way to her toes. The only thing he had gotten for his stupid adolescent move was the feeling she couldn’t breath with him in her face. After finally doing something right in his life, after giving her shelter from the storm, he had mugged her like some cheap pick-up in a bar, like he had only helped her in the first place for a final roll in the hay.
I’m such an idiot.
Worry followed recrimination. What if I’ve hurt her? What if she wants to leave?
He knew the truth. Between the two of them, he was the real sinner. He had intentionally visited evil on wicked men, but her? She was an innocent who had believed in the goodness of others even when they didn’t deserve it, and it had cost her dearly. And that’s why he had run. Was he just another snake in her life? Were his feelings for her in any way noble? The moment her lips had touched his, he knew she deserved a better man. He carved a hand through his hair, exasperated that he had acted no better than a horny teenage boy.
The back door burst open, flung wide on its hinges, and there she was, blinking with surprise, and the pale porch light glowing behind her. “You’re here?”
He almost told her, “I’ll leave if you’d rather,” but he settled for, “I am,” instead.
Alex watched her cross the short distance between them, wondering if this was in any way a good idea. She looked more full of doubt than anger. That was the difference between her and other, more aggressive women. Any other gal would be in his face reading him the riot act, and she would be right. He deserved it. But Kelsey had no over-inflated self-esteem. Just hope. And yet ….
He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Every step this woman took shouted courage, and his foolish heart wanted her to take another. She faltered, bit her lower lip, and he thought for sure she would run back to the safety of the house, but then she took one more. And another.
At last she stood in front of him, visibly shaking and her eyes wide with intrepidation. His heart caught in his throat. The light in those glistening chocolate browns drew him in. The man he saw reflected there was a better man, maybe even worthy of this woman’s love. Maybe.
He reached for her with shaky hands, but she had other plans.
“I’ve wanted to do this for a while now.” She leaned up on tiptoes, her own shaking fingers splayed across his biceps for balance. Her timid kiss began as gentle as a sigh, so soft as to be nearly unfelt, like the brush of a trembling feather over his lips.
He closed his eyes, and let the energy begin. Instantly, his heart spiked off the charts with the sexual charge she didn’t even know she possessed. He wanted to take her in his arms, rip her clothes off, and make wild savage love—but he didn’t. Of the two of them, he was the cautious one now. Nothing he did or wanted to do must remind her of the past. He stilled his desire and let her take the lead. This was her show. She was in charge. This had to be what she wanted and how she wanted. This was about her. Only her. If she wanted him, he would truly be surprised.
The softness of her kisses became more insistent. Her nervous hands prowled around his neck and over the top buttons to his shirt. She so did not have a clue what she was doing, how every touch left burning handprints, how every breath offered life. The knowledge that she was unskilled in the art of lovemaking only added fuel to the fire already raging. He leaned against the truck when Kelsey clutched the sides of his head, her kiss deepening. Her mouth demanded more and he complied, trying to control the burning ache his body had become. Every muscle yearned to encapsulate her, to fill her, and never let her go.
She pressed the length of her body to his. At last he felt the soft swell of her breasts against his chest. Groaning with need, he stooped to accommodate her height, his hands resting lightly on her hips. Boldly she accepted the invitation and wrapped her arms around him, offering the delightful meal of her mouth, and he thought he had died and gone to heaven. He had never tasted sweeter. Another rush of warmth swelled over him, and he groaned, crushing her where he had wanted her for months – against his heart.
But he needed to be sure. Easing out of her arms, he set her down just as quickly as he had picked her up, and pushed her gently back a step. With his voice husky with emotion, he took her face in his hands. “You need to think about this, Kelsey. Be sure. Once we go down this road, you and me ….”
His words of caution came too late. The sultry smile of a woman in love gazed back at him. Desire stormed his last shred of caution. He pulled her back up where she belonged, where she covered his face with another onslaught of tender nibbles and kisses. Overcome, Alex picked her up and carried her through the back door, past the kitchen table, and down the hall to his bedroom. Angling her into the dark, he felt Kelsey tugging at his shirt, feeling her way to more and more skin. He thought he would explode. With a haphazard dance of undressing themselves and each other, they crashed onto his bed, tasting each other’s bodies with a hunger that would not wait.
Kelsey
As the first tiny ray of sunlight glimmered its way into his darkly curtained bedroom, it found the two lovers still wrapped around each other. Kelsey lay tucked against Alex, her back to his chest as she woke and his leg sprawled comfortably over both of hers. When at last she stretched, he responded with his breath in the nape of her neck. Kelsey gasped at the feel of his naked male body against hers. It felt so right.
She caressed the hairy arm that enfolded her, kissing his knuckles while she sized up her hand in his. His was big and calloused, so much a man’s hand. Even his long fingers were rough, the cuticles ragged around closely trimmed nails. Her smaller hand fit neatly within. A clutch of fear stole her breath as the shifting paradigm in her life reminded her of a different hand. Panic squeezed her eyes tight, but all she had to do was barely move to feel Alex behind her. The memory fled.
There was no reason to fear. During their midnight tumble, he had expressed his love so tenderly that she had cried, and immediately he had stopped everything.
“Did I hurt you?” he had asked in alarm, but all she could do was shake her head. “I’m sorry. We can stop if you wa
nt. Tell me what’s wrong.”
He had smoothed her hair off her face, and kissed her gently. That made her cry even more. What a novel idea—a man who cares if he hurts me.
When she could finally speak, she had sounded like Minnie Mouse. “It’s just that I’m happy and I love you so much.”
“Ah, Kelsey.” The love in his eyes said it all. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
And that’s where she had fallen asleep last night, held tight in the arms of the man who treated her like the most precious thing on earth.
This morning she had time to think. In her old life, she would sneak out of bed as early as possible to escape any close encounters of the uncomfortable kind. Today was different. Her body felt sore, but in a pleasant, well used kind of way that made her smile instead of cringe. Where Alex had touched, she tingled. He had taken his time, doing things with her body that made her—want to. His hands smoothing over her breasts and abdomen had excited. He hadn’t kissed her with a mouth tasting like cigarettes and tooth decay. And he smelled heavenly. Whatever he had splashed on when he shaved, she intended to make sure he had another bottle.
As he stretched against her now, she relished the feel of his hard body against the bare softness of hers. He grunted, his hand wandering down her ribcage, lingering for a fraction of a second at her waist before he cupped her bare bottom. She shivered, daring herself to bump into his hand.
“Now you know,” he breathed into her tangled, messy morning hair. “I can’t be held responsible if you keep doing that.”
So she bumped him again, and that’s all it took. With an unexpected growl of energy, he rolled her onto her back, covering her from head to toe with his body. A kiss to her forehead, and she was shy, not willing to meet his eyes. Her breath caught. What have I done?
Smoothing a hand down the side of her cheek, he peered into her face, trying to get her to look at him. “Good morning, brown eyes.”
She smiled, the tremor of fear quickly replaced with anticipation. The smiling glint in his eyes only heightened the heated sensation in her stomach. She ran a tentative finger along his whiskered jaw. Every part of this man was deeply tanned and muscled. Whatever he had done to get so physically in shape while he was gone, it agreed with her.
Alex (In the Company of Snipers) Page 18
