by Sarah Biglow
“Erika?” Maggie called outside the stall.
Erika continued to dry heave. Tasting tears as she got to her feet and flushed the toilet, she stepped from the stall and reached for a paper towel.
“Are you okay?”
“Bad burrito.”
“You sure that was all it was?”
“I’m not sick or anything.”
“You haven’t been looking a hundred percent for a few days now. You can have the rest of the day off if you need to see a doctor.”
“Thanks. But I’m fine. Really. The burrito just didn’t agree with me.”
“Take the rest of the day off anyway.”
Erika opened her mouth to protest, but Maggie gave her a look that said they were done talking. So, she grabbed her purse and headed back to Brookline. A few hours of sleep might make her feel better. It would do wonders for her hangover at least.
She made it back to her apartment before she started vomiting again. It was less violent the second time but just as unpleasant. She crawled to the couch and wrapped up in a blanket with a bottle of water. If she didn’t move, maybe she wouldn’t get sick again. The water stayed down, and she finally felt well enough to heat some mac and cheese.
As she spooned the cheesy pasta into her mouth, she thought about Maggie’s assertion that she hadn’t looked well the last few days. She hadn’t done anything different than she’d been doing since graduating from college. Or during college for that matter.
“I’m not sick.” She tossed the empty container in the trash.
Afternoon became evening as Erika dozed on the couch. She awoke to the sound of a knock at the door. She stumbled to her feet and pulled the door open. Her landlord stood on the other side of the threshold.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Sanger?”
“I got complaints of loud music again, Erika. I’m not going to warn you again. Another complaint, and we’re going to have some serious problems.”
Erika just nodded and gripped the doorframe. The world began to spin.
“Did you hear me?”
“Yeah. I uh…I have to go. I promise, no more loud parties, Mr. Sanger.”
She slammed the door and dove for the bathroom. This time, it was mostly dry heaving. She thought about calling Dane but knew he’d just baby her. And she had to stop turning to him every time things got rough. Sure, they were friends, but he still wanted to be more. And she had moved on. So she sat slumped against the bathroom wall and fell asleep.
She woke the next morning in a cold sweat. Erika opened one eyelid, then the other, and looked around. Even sitting down, her head throbbed with pain. Maybe Maggie was right. Maybe she was sick. Dragging herself to her feet, she made her way to the bedroom for a change of clothes. Donning sunglasses and a sweatshirt, she left her apartment and headed in search of a doctor.
There was a free clinic a few blocks over, but the walk was excruciating. Everything seemed too bright, too loud and even normal voices made her head scream with pain. The usual odors of the city seemed magnified a hundredfold. Weaving through people on the sidewalk as fast as she could, her stomach gurgled with a new bout of nausea. She gritted her teeth and willed the feeling to go away. Only one more block, and she’d be at the clinic.
“Watch it!” a man yelled at her as she narrowly avoided stumbling into him.
She ignored him, all of her energy focused on one task. One foot in front of the other. Almost there, she reminded herself. She walked into the clinic and sucked in a breath of cool air. It helped quell her shaky nerves.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked.
“I need to see a doctor.”
The receptionist nodded and handed over a form.
“Just fill this out, and someone will see you.”
Erika slid into a chair and stared at the form. Words swam, and she blinked a few times before she could read properly. Definitely too much partying. She wrote her name on the top of the form and proceeded to complete the rest of it quickly.
“That was quick,” the receptionist said.
Erika shrugged and sank back into her seat. She stared around the waiting room with its bright overhead lights and beige wallpaper. Mercifully, Erika was one of only a few people in the room. A woman with two loud children sat a few seats away. The boy kept shoving the girl to the floor when she tried to stand up. Despite her churning stomach, Erika hoped they would be called soon. She dozed off and jolted awake when someone shook her arm.
“Huh?”
“Are you Erika?” A man in a white coat stood over her with a concerned expression.
Erika nodded and wiped the drool from the side of her mouth.
“Why don’t you follow me?”
Erika got up and walked as fast as her legs would carry her out of the waiting area. They stopped at a door marked with a gold foil 5.
“Have a seat in there, and I’ll be right in.”
Erika pushed the door open. A sterile room with some chairs and a less-than-stellar-looking exam table greeted her. She felt her gag reflex kick in. Panicking, she looked around the room until she spotted a trashcan in the corner. It would have to do. She was hunkered over the basket when the doctor walked in. Erika couldn’t look at him. Cheeks flushed with embarrassment, she batted away the tears with the back of her hand.
He remained quiet as he sat beside her and rubbed her back.
“How long have you been sick to your stomach?”
Erika reached for a paper towel, and he handed her several and a small cup of water. She wiped her cheeks and rinsed out her mouth before she dragged herself into the chair opposite him.
“Since lunch yesterday. I ate a bad burrito.”
The doctor nodded and felt her forehead and checked her pulse. By the time he sat down again, she felt a little better.
“Do you have any other symptoms?”
“Uh…a headache. Everything is too bright and loud.”
“Well, it sounds like you have a hangover.”
“No shit.”
“I take it this isn’t your first time.”
“It’s never been this bad, ever. I think I got food poisoning from that damn burrito.”
“You’re sure it can’t be anything else?”
“Like what?”
He cleared his throat and smoothed the edges of his coat. It made Erika anxious. What was he getting at?
“I need to ask you a couple of questions. They may make you uncomfortable, but I need you to answer them honestly, okay?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“When was the last time you had your period?”
“Like a month ago. I’m a few days late. But it’s been kind of stressful with work and stuff. I have to work two jobs.”
“Have you been sexually active in the last month?”
She stared at him. How was that his business? “Yeah.”
“Is it possible that you’re pregnant?”
“No. I’m not stupid. I’d know, and I’m definitely not.”
“With your permission, I’d like to do a pregnancy test anyway. Just to be sure.”
“Like…draw blood and stuff?”
“No, nothing intrusive. Just a urine test. Would that be all right?”
Erika fidgeted in the chair. “I guess. But…it could be food poisoning, right?”
“We’ll check for everything.”
She nodded and watched him walk out of the room. A shiver danced up her spine, as if the air temperature had suddenly dropped ten degrees. He returned minutes later, followed by a nurse.
“Nicolette will show you to the bathroom.”
“Okay.”
Erika followed the girl down the hallway. As she passed by the other exam rooms, she heard children crying and wondered if they were the same ones from the waiting room.
“Just leave it in here when you’re done.”
Erika took her time. She stared at herself in the small mirror above the sink for a few minutes. Bloodshot eyes. Pale skin. She looked li
ke crap and somehow didn’t care. The little cup sat on the counter next to her, taunting her. She snapped it up and settled onto the toilet. Nothing happened. Her fingers shook, trying to hold the cup steady, but still she couldn’t fill it. The back of her neck burned with frustration until finally a tiny stream tinkled into the damn cup. It won’t come back positive. It can’t.
“It’s food poisoning, isn’t it?” Erika asked when the doctor returned, looking grim.
“No. The test came back positive. Erika, you’re pregnant.”
She shook her head vigorously. She didn’t want to hear it. It couldn’t be true. He stepped closer and put his hand on her shoulder.
“The burrito may not have sat well with you. Many women find meat disagrees with them during pregnancy.”
“But…it’s not…” Thoughts jumbled together in her head, and Erika couldn’t think. She couldn’t be pregnant. She just couldn’t.
“Do you need someone to pick you up? I can have Nicolette call someone.”
“No. I’ll walk.”
“I suggest you see an obstetrician in the next few days just to confirm.” He handed her a slip of paper. “I’ve written down some prenatal vitamins you should take.”
She took the paper without looking at it.
Panic rapidly replaced disbelief as she left the clinic. The world moved by in slow motion as she walked the three blocks home. She walked into her apartment and collapsed on the couch. Tears soaked the blanket she pulled around her shoulders. Time faded away as she cried every last tear she had in her, and fear froze her in place.
She knew in the back of her mind she needed to call her waitressing job and tell them she wasn’t going in tonight, but she couldn’t make her arms reach the table to pick up the phone. Eventually, sleep overtook her.
Sometime later, her phone rang loudly, jolting her from sleep. She stared at it. Dane’s number flashed on the screen. She hit the ignore button and buried her head under the blanket. Nothing was going to pry her away from her cocoon on the couch. Not tonight.
5
August 27th
Shannon sat curled up on the couch with a crossword puzzle propped against her knees while the kids entertained themselves. The relative quiet of the house soothed her nerves as she tried to pay attention to the words on the page in front of her. But she’d re-read the same clue for the fifth time without really reading it. She set it aside.
“Mama, I’m hungry,” Tanner said from his position on the floor.
“It’s a little early for lunch, sweetie. Can you wait a little while?”
He picked up a dump truck, flipped the bed up and down a few times, and nodded. “Okay.”
She gave him a smile and settled against the arm of the couch to watch him play. She would miss him while he was at daycare. Her cell phone buzzed on the table, and she picked it up without looking at the screen.
“Hello?”
“Hi, honey.”
“Mike, I thought you were in court today.”
“The other side filed for a continuance. Anyway, I’ve been thinking. I think it’s time we told the kids.”
She stepped around Tanner and walked into the hallway, away from curious ears.
“Are you sure? I mean I’m not showing yet. We could wait until then. I like it just between us.”
“Shannon, come on. It’s going to be fine.”
She forced a smile, even though he couldn’t see it, and said, “Okay.”
“I was thinking of coming home for lunch, but don’t tell the kids. I want it to be a surprise.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you later.”
A short while later, she stood over five sizzling grilled cheese sandwiches as the kids occupied themselves with a movie. Shannon tightened her grip on the spatula as Mike entered the front door moments later.
“Hi. How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” Shannon said and stepped away from the stove to give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Where are the kids?”
“Living room. Watching Nemo.”
“Meghan’s favorite.”
“I’m just happy they’re all getting along.” She flipped the sandwiches and transferred them to plates.
“I’ll let them know lunch is ready,” Mike said and disappeared.
Shannon set the five plates on the table and waited the thirty seconds for the kids to thunder in. Grilled cheese always won them over. On cue, Tanner skidded to a stop in front of his chair.
“Grill cheese!” He clambered into his seat. His siblings arrived moments later.
“How come Daddy is home?” Christian asked as he sat down at his place.
“Because Daddy wanted Mommy’s grilled cheese, too,” Mike answered.
Shannon joined her family and watched them dig into the greasy meal. She ate her sandwich slowly, savoring each bite. Luckily, the last few weeks had been light on morning sickness. Despite going to the doctor to confirm the news, the emotional numbness and cut-off feeling continued to surface.
“Mommy makes the best grilled cheese,” Meghan said, peeling off the crust of her sandwich.
“Thank you, Meg.”
Shannon glanced at her husband a few times and finally caught his eye. Brushing the crumbs from his hands, he cleared his throat.
“Guys, Mommy and I want to talk to you about something.”
“Are we in trouble?” Christian asked.
“No. Of course not,” Shannon answered.
“We…have a surprise,” Mike continued.
“A puppy?” Tanner blurted.
“No, not a puppy,” Mike replied. He squeezed Shannon’s hand. “Mommy is having a baby.”
Shannon watched the statement begin to take hold in each of her children.
“But I want a puppy,” Tanner said.
Shannon caught Christian kicking his brother under the table. “You can’t get a puppy, stupid.”
“Christian. Don’t kick your brother.”
“I want a girl baby,” Meghan said.
Shannon smiled at her daughter. She always felt for Meghan. Being the only girl between two rowdy brothers couldn’t be easy. Meghan’s enthusiasm didn’t surprise Shannon.
“Well, we’ll see what we get,” Mike answered.
“I want you guys to understand that things are going to change,” Shannon said.
“What kind of change?” Christian asked, leaning on the table.
“You remember when I was pregnant with Tanner. Mommy got a big belly.”
“I don’t want baby,” Tanner whined. His lower lip shook.
“I know it’s going to be a big change, buddy. But once the baby comes, you’ll be a big brother.”
“No.”
Shannon’s neck and ears burned hot, and sound turned to a low buzz. She could see her family talking, but she couldn’t process anything. Finally, the feeling passed. The news was going to take some time to sink in. She’d known it for a few weeks now, and it was still hard to believe.
“We can talk more about this in a while, okay? Mommy has to do some work.” She headed for the dining room.
Mike looked annoyed, standing by his chair. He never had to do the dishes. She fixed him with a pleading look, but he didn’t move.
“Can you please handle the dishes? I really need to get some work done.”
After a minute, he relented and turned toward the sink.
“Who wants to help Daddy with the dishes?” Mike asked.
“Me!” Meghan said, waving her hand in the air.
“That’s my girl.”
“When you’re done, why don’t you all read a book for a little while? Chris, you still need to finish your summer reading project,” Shannon suggested.
Christian opened his mouth to complain but stopped. Instead, he dutifully brought his dishes to the sink and led Tanner back to the living room.
“Do you want me to stay for a while?” Mike asked as Shannon sat down at the computer.
Shannon tried not to look sur
prised at his offer. He rarely took time from work to stay home and watch the kids. She would never admit it, but it hurt that all the childcare responsibilities fell in her lap.
“No. I’ll be fine. They’ll read for a while, and I can get a few hours of work in. We do need to talk about when we’re starting Tanner in day care.”
“When I get back.”
“All right.”
Shannon tried to tune out the noise in the kitchen and focus on the layout she’d been working on that week. She pulled up her notes from the content editor and skimmed the latest revisions. Shannon groaned as she got to the end and it hit her: She had another two pages worth of design and content to add to the project before the draft was complete.
“Mommy,” Meghan’s voice interrupted her thoughts.
“Not now, Meghan. Mommy is working.”
“I don’t know what to read.”
“Ask Daddy to help you pick a book.”
“He left.”
Shannon pursed her lips, spun around in the chair, and allowed Meghan to lead her upstairs. A pile of books sat on the floor by her bed. Shannon got on her hands and knees beside her daughter and sifted through the pile until Meghan found one she hadn’t read.
“You can read up here if you want so the boys don’t bother you.”
“Okay.”
Shannon returned to the computer and managed almost an hour and a half of uninterrupted work before her attention was required in the living room. She found Tanner on the floor, crocodile tears welling up in his eyes.
“What’s going on in here?”
“It’s my time to watch TV, and Tanner didn’t give me the remote,” Christian answered.
“So you pushed him?”
Christian looked away and dug his toe into the carpet. “No.”
Shannon scooped up the four-year-old and held him close, rubbing his back until he stopped crying.
“Christian, go to your room.”
“But my TV show is on.”
