by Claire Adams
“This is me right here,” I said as he approached my house, feeling a bit disappointed that we’d gotten back here so soon. “Well.” I unbuckled my seatbelt. I’d never had a problem before, being forward with a guy, so long as I felt like I was the one in control. That meant there’d been countless front seats I’d leaned across, initiating the kiss. And I wanted to kiss Ollie right now more than I’d ever wanted to kiss anyone, but for some reason, I couldn’t do it. Something kept me there on my side of the truck, and I heard myself saying good night and then fumbling with the door handle. I thanked him for the ride home, and he said no problem, it was his pleasure. It was probably just my imagination, but I thought that he looked disappointed I hadn’t tried to kiss him.
It’s a warm, bright morning, and I’m out for a run. The sun is beaming down on me, and my legs feel strong, like they could carry me for another twenty miles without tiring. I’m breathing heavy, but it’s not painful. Everything about this feels good.
Up ahead, I see a truck with a horse trailer pulled over on the side of the road, a guy has gotten out. He’s wearing jeans and a black and white button-down shirt, like the one Ryan was wearing, but I can’t see his face, it’s like it’s been blurred out the way they do sometimes in TV interviews where they want to keep the person anonymous. I know I shouldn’t stop, but I feel myself slowing, first to a jog, then to a walk, despite my mind screaming at my body to keep going. The blurred face says, “Get into the horse trailer.”
Before I can say no, he lunges and grabs me. Those legs of mine that had felt so strong and capable just a few seconds ago now kick feebly, doing nothing at all as the guy drags me into the back of horse trailer. He throws me down onto the rubber surface, and I get shavings on my hands, in my hair.
“I don’t want to! Stop it!” I screech. I’m on my hands and knees, trying to scramble away, even though there’s a solid metal wall in front of me. Nowhere to go.
He grabs the waist of my pants and yanks back, causing me to tip forward and fall flat on my face, arms splayed. It feels like the wind was knocked out of me, and those lungs that were operating so efficiently before are now struggling to draw in a breath.
“Please stop,” I gasp, knowing that anything I say is pointless.
He’s still behind me, and I feel rough nylon rope wrap around my neck, feel him pull it tight, first slowly then with a jerk that makes my eyes bulge and my mouth hang open, even though no sound is coming out. Black spots swarm in my field of vision, and my hands instinctively go to my neck, but the rope is so tight it feels like it’s cutting into my skin. Noises sound distant, far away, but I can hear him laughing. The pressure inside my head is so much it feels like it’s about to explode. My tongue’s lolling out of my mouth, and my limbs are twitching, and he’s right there behind me, breath hot in my ear.
“How’s all that Krav Maga training working out for you now?” he asks, and that’s the last thing I hear as everything else falls away.
“It scared the shit out of me,” I said to Dr. Mike. I shuddered; just having to talk about it brought back that feeling of being strangled, of not having any control whatsoever. “I’ve had some pretty bad nightmares, but never one where the person actually killed me.”
“It can be very unsettling,” Dr. Mike said. “But it’s understandable why you had such a dream.”
“It is?”
“Well, you just got finished telling me about that experience with Ryan.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t like I was actually in danger then.”
“Who’s to say you weren’t? Based on what you’ve said, you told him ‘no,’ and he didn’t want to take that as an answer.”
“Right, but I put an end to that pretty quickly.”
“And that’s good. Your self-defense training paid off. Your dream, though, reflects an underlying fear of what might have happened if that training hadn’t worked. There’s no foolproof method for anything, so it’s natural there’s going to be some doubt and fear.”
“So, that’s what you think it means?”
“No one can say for sure, but yes, I think it’s a fair assumption.”
“The thing is—aside from that, the night went really well. I had a lot of fun. I talked to some new people. I also talked with Ollie, and then he gave me a ride home. And I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I didn’t. I exercised restraint!” Dr. Mike and I had spent many sessions discussing the merits of “exercising restraint.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“I might be giving myself too much credit. I really did want to kiss him, but it was like there was some other force that was keeping me from doing it. So, I don’t know if it was really me exercising restraint, or that other force.”
“What other force might that be?”
“I have no idea! I just know that I’ve never felt that before, so it seems kind of unlikely that it’s something coming from me.”
“Perhaps you were merely picking up on the signal that he didn’t want to kiss you.”
“Huh?”
I pushed myself up from my reclining position and looked at Dr. Mike, who was sitting there, one leg crossed over the other, yellow legal pad in his lap. “Why did you say that?”
“I brought that up as a reason for this ‘other force,’ as you so put it. The other force you were feeling—which you just said you didn’t think was coming from you—could perhaps be the fact that he didn’t want to kiss you.”
“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said. “Fact? How do you know that’s a fact? You weren’t there. Now it’s a fact all of a sudden? That he didn’t want to kiss me?”
“I find your defensive reaction to all this quite interesting,” Dr. Mike said mildly. “And no, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know if he wanted to kiss you or not—”
“So, maybe don’t refer to it as fact…”
“—But sometimes when we pick up on signals from other people, we are able to correctly interpret them and modify our own behaviors as a result. This could have been one such scenario.”
“But that would mean he didn’t want to kiss me.”
“Correct. Which you seem to be having a hard time accepting.”
“I just… I mean… I think I’m a pretty good judge of those things, and I have a very strong feeling that had I leaned over and kissed him, he most definitely would have kissed me back. I’m almost one hundred percent sure of it, in fact.”
Dr. Mike nodded and scribbled something on his notepad. “Perhaps,” he said.
Chapter Ten
Ollie
The thing about most horses was that you didn’t know their history unless, of course, you raised them yourself. No one had a clue about what had or hadn’t happened in Ditto’s life so far, but it had obviously been something not that great because he clearly trusted no one.
I’d gone down to the corral every day since Garrett had told me about him, sometimes multiple times a day. At first, he’d just pin his ears back and go to the other end of the corral, where he’d stand and we’d sort of have a stare down. But he’d started to get used to me a little, or at least being a bit more accepting of my presence, because now when I went down there, he completely ignored me. Today, there was a wind kicking up, and all the horses were in high spirits, Ditto included. A gust whipped through, and he took off at a gallop, letting a few bucks out as he careened around his confines. As I watched him, I thought of what a good roping horse he’d make.
I stayed there a while longer while he kicked up his heels, and then I went and got into my truck and drove into town. I didn’t have anywhere particular I needed to be, but I told myself I should get a coffee. Really though, I was hoping to see Wren.
I hadn’t seen her since Saturday night at the barbecue, but I’d certainly been thinking about her plenty. It’d been nice talking, that night I’d given her a ride home. I tried not to think about it, but it was hard because I’d felt comfortable around her, like she was easy to talk to, and she wasn’t judging me. Of course, she di
dn’t know what I’d done, so maybe that was why she wasn’t judging me, but it was still nice either way.
I didn’t see her when I walked in, but right as I was taking my seat at the counter, she pushed the two swinging doors open and appeared, carrying two plates.
“Hey there!” she said. “Let me drop this food off, and I’ll be right over.”
“Just came in for a coffee,” I said when returned. “How’s it going?”
“Going pretty good.” I watched as she poured the coffee and the way the corners of her mouth curved into a smile. “Nice to see you.”
“And remember how we talked about riding horses? I was thinking maybe you could come by, and I’d give you a lesson. If you were still interested.”
“Why, I’d love that!” she said. “Lena, I’m going to be a cowgirl after all!” she called across the room to one of the waitresses. “When should I come over?”
“Does tomorrow work?”
“Sure does! Oooh, I’m excited!” She grinned, and I found myself grinning back at her, her enthusiasm contagious. There was something alluring about her, not just the fact that she had a pretty face, but something else that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
After I had my coffee, I said good-bye to Wren. I had another matter to take care of, and I checked my pocket to make sure the little slip of paper was in there.
Carolyn had left me her phone number, but when I went to use a pay phone, I couldn’t find one. The one phone booth I could remember, near the library, was still there, but the phone had been removed. Ripped out, maybe. It looked pretty rough, and it didn’t look like it was going to be fixed it any time soon.
An older guy was coming out of the library and stopped when he saw me standing there, looking at the phone booth. “Gonna be standing there a while, sonny, if you’re waiting for that thing to ever work again,” he said. “You forget to charge your phone or something?”
“No, I don’t—”
“’Cause my wife, she’s always forgetting to charge the damn thing, until I did some research and got her one of these portable chargers; it’s good for up to three full phone charges. Except you have to remember to charge that. But it’s been a good investment. I recommend you get one.”
“I don’t have a phone,” I said.
“Why in hell not? Even I have one. Granted, it’s not one of those fancy pants ones, but it works.”
“I used to have one. But there were still phone booths.”
“What—you been living under a rock all these years? Get with the times,” he chided. “I’d let you use mine, but I can’t seem to find it. It can’t seem to stay in my pockets, I’m always misplacing it, and unfortunately, they don’t make something that can be any help with that.”
“A fanny pack?” I said jokingly.
He didn’t say anything right away, but then his eyebrows shot up and he grinned. “Now that’s a bright idea! My wife was trying to get me to carry some sort of satchel or something ridiculous like that.” He patted my upper arm. “You have a good one, now! Maybe go out and get yourself a phone.”
I stood there for a minute after he’d walked off, and then decided to go back into Ollie’s. Wren was right there, leaning on the counter, chatting with one of the customers. “Back so soon?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I went to use the pay phone, but it’s not there anymore.”
The customer she was talking to, a heavyset woman with short, curly hair, swiveled on the stool and looked at me. “That’s been out of service for years now!” she said. “There’s no point in them leaving that thing up there, but they do.”
She squinted at me. “You trying to use it or something?”
“I was.”
“Your phone died?”
“I don’t actually have one.” I looked at Wren. “Could I use the one here?”
“Of course you can, but maybe we should go get you a phone. There’s a place a few blocks down. Come on, I’ll go with you.”
She untied her apron and tossed it under the counter. “I’ll be back in a little bit,” she said to one of the waitresses. She smiled at the curly-haired woman. “See you later, Renee.”
“Bye,” Renee said. “Have fun phone shopping,” she said to me.
“You can just leave like that?” I asked Wren as we stepped outside.
“Sure, I can.” She shrugged. “I’m the boss, right?”
“Good point.”
“I wouldn’t leave like that if we were in the weeds or anything, but it’s slow. And you need to get a phone.”
I smiled. “I thought you said you liked that I didn’t have one.”
“I think I said it was refreshing—which it is—but it’d be nice to have a way to get in touch with you.”
“You know, there is a phone in my cabin, but I don’t know the number. Actually, I’m not even sure that it works.”
“You don’t strike me as the type who’s in his cabin too often. I’m not saying you should turn into one of those people that’s glued to their phone, but having a way to be in touch is good. And what if you’re out riding, and you get bucked off and need to call for help?”
“Guess I better not get bucked off.”
We came to an intersection and stopped on the curb, waiting for the light to change. There was absolutely nothing remarkable about this, but I felt a surge of happiness go through me. Here I was, on this nice day, standing next to an attractive woman under the clear blue sky, the sun shining down on it all. At that moment in time, I felt like I was about the luckiest man alive.
I looked at Wren, who was watching the traffic light, and took in her profile—the way she had a handful of freckles scattered across the bridge of her nose, her long eyelashes. She must’ve felt me looking because she turned and smiled, and she had one of those smiles that went all the way up to her eyes.
“Phone shopping can often be a painful experience,” she said, “but let’s see if we can make it as quick and painless as possible. Luckily, I know the manager here; he comes in most mornings for his muffin and coffee. He knows I’ll have no qualms withholding either—or both!—if he tries to give us the runaround.”
The light changed, and we started to walk across the intersection. “You can do that?” I asked. “Refuse service like that?”
“Of course I can. Here’s his place right here.”
The manager, Steve, seemed more than happy to see Wren, and when she told him I was getting a new phone, he seemed more than happy for me, too. He started showing me a number of different phones, all of them that same sleek, rectangular shape that seemed like they’d break if you even looked at them the wrong way.
“No flip phones?” I asked. “That’s the kind I used to have.”
“We’ve got one,” Steve said, casting a doubtful glance at the one flip phone they had. “But really… that technology’s so dated. Get yourself a phone like this, and you’ve got the world at your fingertips. If you’re afraid of it breaking, I recommend this one, which has a shatterproof screen and is waterproof, to boot.”
It seemed like way more phone than I’d ever need, but I figured I might as well get with the times. The world at my fingertips? That didn’t sound so bad.
We spent another fifteen minutes in there, getting everything set up, deciding on what plan I should pick, and getting a quick tutorial.
“If you run into any problems, just ask Wren about it, she’s a whiz,” Steve said. He looked at Wren. “You going to have the morning glory muffins tomorrow?”
“Since you asked so nicely, I think we will,” she said.
He grinned. “Makes getting up in the morning so much easier when you know you got a good cup of coffee and a muffin. You two have a good day, now.”
“See?” Wren said when we stepped outside. “That was pretty painless, wasn’t it?”
“It was,” I said.
“And now you have a new phone. What’s your number, by the way? I’ll call you, and then you’ll have mine.”
I had to read the number Steve had written down for me on the receipt. She typed it into her phone.
“I appreciate you helping me out like this,” I said.
“Any time,” she said.
I walked her back to the restaurant. “Thanks again.”
“Don’t mention it. I’ll give you a call tomorrow before I head over for my riding lesson!” She gave me one more smile and then went inside. I stood there for a minute, smiling after her, then I turned and went over to my truck. I called Carolyn and asked her if she was busy. She said no.
“Where are you?”
“I’m down at Ollie’s, actually. Was just getting a cup of coffee.”
“Why don’t I come meet you there? I was out running errands; I can be there in five minutes.”
“Okay, sure,” I said. “I’ll see you soon.”
I fiddled with the phone while I waited for Carolyn, getting used to swiping the screen to navigate. When she arrived, she parked next to me.
“Looks like someone got a new phone,” she said.
“Yeah. Still trying to figure it out.”
“They make them pretty user-friendly nowadays. Are you hungry? Want to go get something to eat?”
I slipped the phone into my pocket. “I was thinking maybe we could take a little walk.”
“A walk? Sure.”
We took a right out of the parking lot and started walking, in the opposite direction from the phone store. Carolyn was awful close to me, and I could tell she wanted to reach out and hold my hand. I took a deep breath.
“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I began.
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Well… There’s no real good way to put this,” I said. “It’s something that I should have told you, and I’m sorry that I never did.”
“Told me what?”
“I was going to break up with you.” There was no nice way to phrase it, after all these years. “I’m sorry. I’d been thinking about it for a while and then…” My voice trailed off. “And then everything happened the way it did.”
