I had to explain to him that performing in a competition or a show is completely different from jumping around the cafeteria like a crazy person. I was still thinking about that conversation when I heard someone say Matt Parker’s name. It was Chloe.
“We’re lab partners in biology, and he’s always flirting with me,” she said. Then she lowered her voice. “Today, he was whispering some really disgusting things about the frog we were dissecting, and I started laughing so hard, Mr. Keller sent me to the office! I’ve never been sent to the office before, but I didn’t even care. Matt is so cute,” said Chloe.
When she said it, a bunch of the girls agreed. Emily pinched my leg, but I ignored her. I didn’t want her to think it made any difference to me if Matt flirts with Chloe or whispers things in her ear that make her laugh hard enough to get sent to the office. And it doesn’t. I mean, I have a boyfriend, so why would I care what Matt does?
I don’t. Not really. Not at all. OK, maybe I do, just a little.
But I have no idea why.
Thursday, September 19, 9:07 P.M.
In my room
Door locked
Today in dance, some of the older girls were talking about thigh gaps.
“What’s a thigh gap?” I asked Mady.
“If you stand with your feet together and look at the space between your thighs, you should have a gap,” she said. Then she told me all the best dancers do, particularly ballerinas. “You don’t have to have one, but when you dance it looks better if you do.”
When she said that, I looked around to see who had thigh gaps. Mady has one, and so do Bree and Chloe. She has a really big gap. Emily too. Kate doesn’t. Vanessa was wearing baggy sweatpants so it was hard to tell if she had one or not. I wanted to look down at my own legs, but I knew it would look really weird if I was looking down at my thighs during dance practice trying to see if I had a gap. So when I came into my room after my bath, I dropped my towel and stood in front of my mirror naked. I stood with my feet together so I could get a good look at my thighs.
When I just stood there, I definitely didn’t have a gap. But when I stood up straighter and reached around and pulled back the middle of my thighs, I had a nice gap. I stood in front of my mirror for a long time holding my thighs back and admiring how I looked with a gap. While I was standing there, I couldn’t help but wonder if boys would think about me differently if I had a gap, and . . . the boy I was wondering about was Matt. I couldn’t help but wonder if he likes Chloe because she has such a big thigh gap. Or if he’s kissed her. Or if he remembers kissing me and if he’s planning to do it again.
Maybe he’s not.
I don’t have a thigh gap.
Friday, September 20, 6:53 P.M.
In the den
Since I got home from dance practice, I’ve been sitting on the couch with May and June watching SpongeBob reruns. I’m so tired from dance practice that I’m happy to be sitting on this couch, despite the fact that I’m watching my least favorite show.
On the way home from practice, Emily invited me to come over again tomorrow. “We can practice a little and then hang out and go see a movie or something,” she said.
I told her that sounded great. Then Emily linked her arm through mine. “I love that we’ve gotten to be such good friends! Anything you ever want to tell me you can, like about Matt or whatever.”
I was about to open my mouth and remind her that I have a boyfriend so I didn’t need to tell her anything about Matt, but Emily looked at me like she got it without me having to say a word. “I know you have a boyfriend, but Matt called you California and he’s supercute. That must be tough.”
I didn’t answer.
“What’s up?” asked Emily in a funny voice.
“I’m glad we’re friends,” I said. And I am. There’s stuff I can tell Emily that I could never tell Brynn.
9:08 P.M.
Conflicted!
OMG! Brynn just texted me. I’ve reread her text like ten times to try and figure out what she means. All it said was “Want to hang out tomorrow? Movie or something?”
I don’t know what she means by “or something.” Does it mean she just wants to hang out like we always have? Or does she want to talk? It’s the first time Brynn has texted me in so long. What if she wants to talk? If I don’t do something with her, I know she’ll feel like she tried, but I didn’t. But I don’t see how I can break plans I already made with Emily. I know she’ll think she’s been really sweet to help me with dance, and she won’t like that I’m picking Brynn over her. I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Yes, I do. I’ll ask Billy. He’s super helpful with this sort of thing.
9:32 P.M.
I just hung up with Billy, and he was no help at all. I was explaining the situation, and before I could even finish, he said, “Go with Brynn.”
I don’t see how that was even remotely helpful. No matter who I go with, someone will be mad.
Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon, doesn’t mean we all have.
—Hermione Granger
Saturday, September 21, 8:45 P.M.
In my room
My head hurts
I was right that someone would be mad, but that someone was Billy. I just spent the last fifty-eight minutes on the phone with him. I usually love our conversations, but I didn’t love this one.
“I don’t see how you could have spent the day with Emily and not Brynn,” he said.
“How do you even know I spent the day with Emily?” I asked.
That’s when Billy said he knew because he spent the day with Brynn, and it was all she could talk about.
I was furious! “I can’t believe you and Brynn were talking about me behind my back!”
But Billy didn’t seem like he thought he had to justify why they were doing that. “April, ever since you made the dance team, you’ve been acting like you’ve forgotten that Brynn and I are your best friends. She said you never want to hang out with her anymore and that you act like you’re better than her because you made the team and she didn’t.”
I tried to stop him to tell him that wasn’t the case at all, but Billy wasn’t stoppable. “Brynn said that when you made the team and she didn’t, you barely said anything to make her feel better and that you didn’t even try to be a good best friend.”
I couldn’t believe Billy was taking Brynn’s side in all this. “I’ve tried really hard to be a good friend to Brynn.” I was practically screaming. “I call her and text her and try to talk to her and be nice to her, but she’s been the one ignoring me!”
I gave him a bunch of specific examples, like when I tried to give her my carrots at lunch and she barely even acknowledged me and just started talking to him. “The reason I haven’t hung out with her is because she’s been acting like she doesn’t want to be around me.” I was getting more upset with every word. “I don’tthink I’m better than her. I’ve never said anything like that or even thought it. It’s all in her head, not mine.”
Billy was quiet, like he was actually listening to what I was saying, so I kept going. “When I made the team and she didn’t, the reason I didn’t say much to her was because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to make her feel worse, and it seemed like I was the last person she wanted to talk to about it.”
Then I reminded Billy that this wasn’t the first time I’ve talked to him about how Brynn has been acting. “You were the one who said I should be patient and that she would ‘come around,’ but she hasn’t.”
When I was done talking, Billy didn’t say anything for a long time. He always thinks about what he’s going to say before he says something. I thought he was taking in everything I said and that he was going to say something about how he realized that what Brynn said to him was very one-sided. But that wasn’t what he said at all. “April, I get how Brynn feels. Ever since you made the team, you’ve been spending all your time at practice.”
I really didn’t think I should have
to remind him that dance practice isn’t optional. “All I’ve been telling you since I made the team is how strict and demanding Ms. Baumann is. I shouldn’t have to defend myself for something I don’t have any control over,” I said.
I told Billy that I feel like Brynn is just mad that I made the team and she didn’t.
“I understand,” said Billy. “But Brynn isn’t the only one who misses hanging out with you. I do too.”
When he said that, my heart sank in my chest. “Are you mad at me?” I asked Billy.
“At you?” Billy said it like it would be impossible for him to be mad at me. Then he laughed like he’d made a joke.
But to be honest, I couldn’t tell if Billy was joking or not.
Sunday, September 22, 5:44 P.M.
Just back from Brynn’s
I went over to Brynn’s house to talk to her. I didn’t even call her to tell her I was coming over. I just went. When she opened the door, I said, “We need to talk.” And she was like, “Yeah, we do.”
So we sat down on the floor of her room and talked for a really long time. Even though I was the one who went to talk to Brynn, she was the one who did most of the talking.
“April, ever since you made the dance team, I feel like you haven’t been a good friend to me.” She repeated a lot of the stuff Billy had said on the phone.
I tried to explain to her that I’ve tried to be a good friend and that she’s the one who has been avoiding me. At first, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about, so I gave her lots of the same examples that I gave Billy. I could tell by the way she sat up straight and crossed her arms across her chest while I was talking that she didn’t like me pointing out what she had done. That’s when she cut me off. “April, I tried to get together with you yesterday, and it hurt that you chose to hang out with Emily over me. I thought you would have known that I wanted to get together so we could talk and work everything out,” she said.
“I told you, I’d already made plans with Emily, and I didn’t feel like I could just break them,” I said. Then I reminded Brynn that I texted her and asked her if she wanted to do something today, since I was already doing something on Saturday, and she never even responded to that text.
But Brynn ignored that. “Why do you want to be friends with Emily?” she asked me without waiting for an answer. “I’ve never really liked Emily. I don’t trust her, and I don’t think you should either.”
I didn’t see why it was any of Brynn’s business if I want to be friends with Emily. “She’s just my dance friend,” I said.
That seemed to make Brynn feel a little better. Then she said the reason she couldn’t respond when she got my text was that she was hurt. Part of me felt badly, but another part of me wanted to tell her that I was hurt too, that I didn’t like how instead of texting me back and making a plan to talk on Sunday, she decided to talk to Billy about me. But when I looked at her and was about to say that, she really did look upset, so instead I said, “This is all so dumb. As much as I like being on the dance team, I would like it so much more if you had made it too.” And even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to say it, I told her that I was sorry I hadn’t been a better friend.
The look on Brynn’s face changed when I said that. She leaned over and gave me a big hug. “April, of course, I forgive you.”
I didn’t really think I was the only one that needed to be forgiven, but Brynn changed the subject and told me her mom said she could have a party on Halloween since she never got to have a real birthday party when she turned thirteen. She said her mom thought turning thirteen was a huge deal, so she could have a BIG party at her house with a DJ. “We should stop talking about all this other nonsense when we have a party to plan!”
So we stopped talking about “nonsense” and started talking about music and costumes and food and decorations. I could tell she was relieved. To be honest, I was too. Brynn’s my best friend, but some days, she’s not the easiest person to talk to. Like today. But her party is going to be awesome, and I’m already thinking about my costume.
I can’t wait!
11:07 P.M.
Can’t sleep
I keep thinking about my conversation today with Brynn. I’m glad we talked, but one thing still bothers me. Why did Brynn have to talk to Billy about me behind my back?
At the end of seventh grade, when I kissed Matt, she said she didn’t see how I could kiss Matt after Billy had kissed me and that Billy is the cutest guy in our grade and that any girl would want him as her boyfriend. It made me think she would want that, but then she didn’t act like she did, so I stopped thinking it.
But now, I’m thinking it again. I can’t help it. I think about her calling Billy to come over and watch us dance and how she danced right in front of him. I think about her hanging out with him all day yesterday and talking about me. I should be fine with them hanging out, right? Billy and Brynn and I have all been best friends since third grade, and I know they’ve done stuff together in the past without me. But I don’t like that they did stuff without me yesterday.
The truth is . . . I don’t like it at all.
10:32 P.M.
I just called Billy and told him I’m sorry I haven’t been around more lately. “I miss spending time with you. Maybe we can do something fun together next weekend?” I said.
Billy seemed to like hearing that. “It’s a date,” he said.
It was such a Billy thing to say.
Clear and sweet is my soul, And clear and sweet is all that is not my soul.
—Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”
Monday, September 23, 9:45 P.M.
In my room
Our costumes came in for the dance competition, and Ms. Baumann had us try them on this afternoon to make sure we all had the right sizes. They were tank leotards in red or white, which are our school colors, and matching tights. My costume was all white, and when I put it on, the first thing I noticed was how small my boobs looked compared to lots of the older girls. I looked like a kid they would get paid to babysit.
“Do you think I should wear a padded bra with my leotard? I asked Mady.
She shook her head like that wasn’t a good idea. “Ms. Baumann is really strict about straps showing,” she said.
“Stick your boobs out,” said Emily, who obviously overheard what I had asked Mady. When she said it, she stood up super straight and stuck out her chest, which is much bigger than mine, like she was demonstrating what she meant.
Everyone laughed. It was pretty funny the way she did it. Even though she was kind of making fun of me, I laughed too. For some reason, I didn’t really mind. I guess I was happy to be part of the group that was laughing.
Thursday, September 26, 10:07 P.M.
Billy just called to remind me about our “date” on Saturday.
“I have the dance competition on Saturday, so we have to go Sunday,” I said. I couldn’t believe I had to remind him, since the competition is pretty much the only thing I’ve been talking about lately.
But Billy said he didn’t realize the competition was this Saturday, and he seemed kind of annoyed that we had to go on our date on Sunday instead.
So I changed the subject. “Rat wants to know what the President of Faraway Middle School thinks about the new bench tables in the cafeteria.”
Billy’s mood seemed to change when I said that. “Tell Rat they’re too hard and they give me a sore butt,” he said. Then he laughed.
Saturday, September 28, 6:54 P.M.
In the tub (where I will be for the
foreseeable future)
I’m almost too tired (and definitely too sore) to write much, but I have to.
Today was such a good day. The competition was this morning, and it was amazing. When I woke up, I wasn’t sure it was going to be. I was a wreck. My hands were shaking so much I couldn’t even put my hair up the right way. Mom had to do it for me.
But when I got to the auditorium and everyone on the team was helping each other
put the finishing touches on our makeup, I started to get more excited than scared. Ms. Baumann gave us a really nice pep talk about how we were all ready, and the older girls on the team were really sweet and reassuring.
Walking onstage for our first dance was terrifying. But once the music started, I focused on each step, and before I knew it, we were done. The second dance seemed a little easier. While we were waiting for the results to be announced, I felt like such a part of the team. Everyone was complimenting each other on our performance. Mady told me I danced great and that she was really proud of me.
The best news is that we came in second place in jazz and first place in hip-hop! When our first-place win was announced, Ms. Baumann was all smiles. I’m not even sure I’d ever even seen her smile before that. We went up onstage as a team to get our trophy, and afterward, the whole team was hugging. It was like a scene in a movie that the director would have to shoot a bunch of times to get just right, but in this case, it was perfect without even trying.
Sunday, September 29, 4:45 P.M.
Just back from my date with Billy
Today was my first real date, so I had no idea what to expect. Billy called this morning and told me to get ready to go on a bike ride. Honestly, my legs were so sore from extra practices this week that going on a bike ride was the last thing I wanted to do, but I didn’t tell Billy that.
“We’re going to ride to Oak Lake Park,” Billy said when he came to get me. I must have made a face like I wasn’t up for that ride, which is really long, because Billy just laughed.
“I have some surprises for you, April Sinclair,” he said. Billy knows how much I love surprises, so even though I didn’t want to go on a long bike ride, I was excited to see what he had.
Too Good to Be True Page 4
