“What do you want, Lotus?” he asked, looking as frustrated as I felt, trying and failing to communicate with him. “You tell me.”
“I want to get us back to how it was when we started out. You were patient with me then. Kind. You made me feel like I was part of your life, like I made a difference in it. I wanted to show you in every way I could that being loved by you made a difference in my life too.”
But bit by bit, fractures had appeared as the band became more important than me. Lower and lower I dropped on his priority list, until one day I found myself at the bottom of it. Even after breaking up, even after explaining why and trying again, I remained by his own admission only one of his many priorities.
Was I asking too much to be at the top of his list?
“If that’s truly what you want, I’ll try.” Exhaling heavily, Saber released me, and my hands slid to my sides.
“That doesn’t sound promising.” I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling alone and cold.
“I’m a guy. You’re asking me to start all over when I’ve already been there with you. When I know how good it is when we’re together. When there’s another guy hanging around who’s been where I’ve been too.”
I flinched, taking the verbal pummeling he meant to give me. “So, is it worth it or not, the effort to get us back?”
Am I worth it? was what I actually meant. But I was too uncertain where I stood with him to voice the more telling question. I held my breath, waiting for his answer.
“You want the truth?” he asked sharply.
“Yes, of course,” I whispered, though I was afraid and hugged myself tighter.
“The truth is I’m not sure if it’s worth it.”
Saber raked a hand through his hair, looking me straight in the eye. I tried not to flinch, but his admission had felt like a sucker punch.
“I was certain of us at the beginning. But now? I have a lot on my plate. A lot of pressure. It’s not just me and this band. It’s Shield too.”
“I know that, and I know you have stress.” I forced out the words with difficulty. Hurt and disappointment had a tight grip on my throat.
“I’m going to take off.” Saber reached for me.
After weathering nothing but hurtful blows from him, I almost took a step back. I was feeling worse now than before we’d talked.
He cradled my nape and kissed the top of my head. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I said, my eyes burning as I watched him walk away.
The darkness swallowed him up, reminding me of the night Storm had left. I almost called Saber back. But he wasn’t Storm, though sometimes Saber reminded me of Storm. Maybe that had been some of the attraction at the beginning. But right now, I didn’t know. I didn’t feel like I knew anything.
“You okay?” Rejoining me, Cork put his hand on my shoulder.
I’d forgotten for a moment that he’d been waiting, and that wasn’t good. I couldn’t ever forget Cork. Not that I wanted to, but it was dangerous to be inattentive around highly trafficked areas with him.
“Sure. I’m fine.” I pasted on a smile, but it wobbled. The glue wasn’t so good.
He frowned. “I heard you and Saber arguing.”
“We were having a discussion.”
“Sounded like a disagreement.” He squinted at me. “Did you reach a solution?”
“No.” I shook my head. “We didn’t.”
“I don’t like that.” Cork’s brows pulled together, deepening the crease of his scar between them.
“I don’t either, but that’s the way it goes sometimes,” I said with a shrug.
“Dad would say don’t leave things unresolved.”
But our dad wasn’t here anymore. It was just me.
Stuffing that hurt back deep inside, I hugged my brother to reassure him. His arms came up around me as he returned my embrace.
In the end, I wasn’t certain who really reassured whom.
• • •
“Hey, you.”
Gardening in the darkness, I glanced up at the sound of Sophia’s voice, squinting into the bright light as the motion sensor above the apartment stairs switched on behind her.
“Hi,” I said, swallowing to moisten my throat. “Grab a crate and sit down.”
Giving me a concerned look, she came toward me and threw her arms around me. I couldn’t hug her back since both my hands were deep in potting soil, but I laid my head on her shoulder, gratefully relaxing as much as I could into her embrace.
“Sorry you’ve had a rough night,” she said softly and pressed a kiss into my hair.
“Thanks for coming over.”
I’d texted her the details, sparse details, but she was a good friend. She knew from the little I gave that I was hurting a lot. A few more tears silently slipped free as she released me and turned around. Without much space under the stairs, she easily located the crate and set it in front of me.
“Of course I came over.” Her gaze brimmed with empathy. For a moment, the motion light illuminated both of us with a couple of strange shadows from the stairs. Then it switched off. “Pretty serious deal if my bestie’s out here gardening in the dark.”
“I think better with my hands in soil.” Or with a pen and a journal in my hand, writing a poem. But the words and my emotions were too tangled up right now to wrench free. So, earth it was, at my tiny gardening workstation beneath the apartment stairs.
“I know you do. So, what have you been thinking? Talk. I’m listening.”
I stroked a thumb across the fuzzy soft leaf of the violet I was repotting in a reclaimed planter. Thinking about Journey, I started with him. “I can’t seem to get Journey or the night we spent together out of my mind.”
“I was afraid of that,” she said. “I feel responsible. I pushed you right into a fling.”
“You didn’t have to push me. I wanted to go with him. Only, it didn’t feel like a fling.”
“How did it feel?” she asked.
“Like the beginning of something real.” And inexplicably like reconnecting with a friend.
“Oh, honey. I’m sorry.”
“He cleared up my misunderstanding pretty quickly,” I said.
“Guys like him usually do.”
“Player types, you mean?”
She shifted in the darkness. “Yeah.”
“He wants to play some more. He almost kissed me today.”
“Don’t go there again.”
“I know. In my head, I know not to.” But if Saber hadn’t called, I would have played—willingly, and with no thought to the consequences. “I told Saber today that it was Journey I hooked up with in LA.”
Sophia sighed. “Oh, Lotus.”
“I had to.”
“Why? Why’d you have to? It’s going to make things awkward for you and Journey. Difficult for you and Saber to reconnect, if that’s what you really want.”
“I wanted the first consequence.” I needed Journey to keep his distance from me. I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. “I thought being honest would help Saber and me grow closer. With plants, if you give them pure water and healthy nutrients, they grow better and stronger.”
“People aren’t plants, honey.”
“Yeah, I know.” I bobbed my head, even though she couldn’t see it in the dark. “I wish they were, sometimes. It’d make things easier.”
“I hear you.” Her voice sounded wistful. “I feel that way about jewelry. I envision a design and see it in my mind, then I get what I need and create it. It’s done. Easy. Understandable.”
“Plants can’t hurt you. Jewelry can’t hurt you.”
“No, you’re right.”
She had her stuff to work through like I had mine. But the way I was messing things up lately, I wasn’t so sure my stuff was fixable.
“So, you and Saber are in a rough patch now, and Journey’s dating Tess?” she asked softly.
I was comfortable with her in my favorite spot, but it was strange
, talking in the dark.
“Yeah, things are rough between me and Saber.” I avoided the topic of Journey and Tess dating. I couldn’t do anything about it, and every time I thought of them together, I found it difficult to breathe.
“They were rough before you told him,” she said.
“Yeah, but I get the idea now that he doesn’t think I’m worth the trouble anymore.”
Fresh tears stinging my eyes, not all due to Saber, I took my hands out of the soil. Locating a nearby rag, I dusted them off.
“You are so worth it.”
“Thank you,” I said, my voice raw with emotion. “It means a lot you saying that.” She just wasn’t the one I needed to confirm it.
“What are you going to do about Journey?” she asked.
Before I could answer her, the motion light suddenly switched back on. When I heard the deep baritone of Journey’s voice and the soft tinkle of feminine laughter, I froze, my breath lodged in my lungs.
My eyes wide and burning, I watched Journey and Tess walk up the steps. They didn’t see me or Sophia beneath their feet, but I saw them. I saw Journey’s hand on Tess’s back.
Does her skin sizzle like mine did when he touched me? Has he kissed her?
I’d practically thrown them together, encouraged him to go out with her.
A sharp pain like a knife sliced through the center of my chest. Listening to their murmured voices, I stared at them until they turned off onto the landing for his apartment. I heard a door open, his door, then it closed.
Is she going to spend the night with him?
The knife twisted. I rubbed my chest, but it didn’t ease the pain.
“Nothing to be done about Journey,” I said dully.
The pain remained, but the breath that had lodged in my lungs slowly leaked out. And something else came with it, a fragile hope that had budded from a tiny seed, then withered and died.
I wished I weren’t delicate like a plant that could easily be ripped up by the roots or smashed against a wall, but instead a cold marble statue.
That way, I wouldn’t have to feel anything at all.
Storm
I SLEPT LIKE crap. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Lotus with Saber.
He was my brother, and I respected him. He seemed like a decent guy, but it just wasn’t right her with him.
At dawn, I gave up chasing sleep. Dropping my boxers on the carpet next to the blanket I’d attempted to sleep on since I had no bed, no furniture at all, I located a pair of clean board shorts in one of my boxes and put them on. Tying the drawstring, I didn’t bother looking for a shirt. Why the fuck would I need a shirt in the water?
Striding down the hall into the main living area, I saw my wet suit hanging over my board where it leaned beside the door. I remembered Tess had almost knocked it over when she’d come inside last night, but I’d caught and righted it. No harm, no foul.
Tess had been through a rough time, especially lately with her ex. We’d talked about it over dinner. We talked about a few other things too. Her hobby was photography, and she was trying to develop it into a business. Wanting to help her, I’d purchased a few photos and some furniture she didn’t need. I knew from my own lonely struggles that dreams took cash to float.
After dinner, Tess had come up and gotten her measurements, giving me a little distraction for the evening. But not near enough of one to keep my mind from wondering what Lotus was doing in her apartment with my brother.
Still wondering if he was with her, I looked up at the ceiling but didn’t hear a thing. All remained quiet on the level above mine. I exited my apartment, zipping my key into my pocket and tucking my surfboard under my arm. Thinking about Lotus, I strode across the landing and then turned to go down the stairs.
And there she was, beneath the stairs with crates, boxes, and bags of potting soil surrounding her. Had my yearning conjured her?
Stopping, I stared at her.
It hit me again how effortlessly pretty she was, like it had many times since I’d encountered this grown-up version of my childhood best friend. She wore no makeup that I could tell, just her sun-bronzed skin and her, more than enough to entrance me.
This morning, her hair was loose under a purple bandanna. She covered her hair like that while working at the Deck Bar. Unlike there, she had earbuds in her ears, a trowel in one hand, and a fledgling plant peeking out of its temporary cardboard planter in her other one.
Oblivious to me or anyone else, she stood in front of a rickety-looking table that had wide spaces between the slats. The wood was covered in potting soil, and she had a black streak of it on her cheekbone.
I cocked my head. Is this where she does her gardening? Underneath the stairs?
Convenient location, but small, though she didn’t seem to mind the cramped quarters. Her expression was serene. She’d also been serene while surfing with Cork and me the previous day.
As I continued to watch her, she began to sing. Singing being a relative word.
I cringed as she hit a clunky note. Her pitch was completely wrong. She had a shit voice, something that apparently hadn’t changed since we were kids. But now, just like back then, she got extra points for her enthusiasm.
“Hey,” I said, continuing down the remaining stairs. “What are you doing?”
Lotus didn’t respond, didn’t even shift to look at me. She must not have heard me.
That wasn’t good. Anyone could sneak up on her and catch her unaware. Something needed to be done about this setup. It wasn’t safe, especially not with her wearing earbuds.
But for now, I focused on her, the woman who had filled my every thought since she’d stepped back into my life. And focused on her, I had to touch her.
After leaning my surfboard against the wall, I moved behind her and placed my hands on her hips. Hot electrical current surged up my arms. Her fruity scent flooded my lungs, and my already stiff cock hardened even more.
“Oh!” She let out a gasp and spun around, her trowel raised as a weapon. Seeing me, her eyes widened, but she lowered the trowel.
“Oh, it’s you,” she said overly loud.
But something was different with her this morning. Her eyes didn’t light up when she saw me like they usually did. Was that Saber’s doing?
Frowning, I plucked her buds out of her ears.
“You scared me half to death,” she said in a normal tone, pocketing her phone and earbuds while making a face at me.
My lips quirked. “I tried to get your attention before I touched you.”
She was adorable in her gardening gear with that streak of dirt on her skin. I’d get into it with her later about her gardening situation, but for now, I had my hands on her, and having my hands on her felt good. Really good.
“You were pretty absorbed. The gardening I understand is a big deal for you, but who are you listening to on the earbuds?”
“Tempest,” she said. “Their greatest hits album.”
I arched a brow. “I didn’t know they had a greatest hits release.”
“Just dropped today, but I preordered it months ago.”
“Ah.” I cocked my head, putting together the wrong words she’d been singing. “‘My Way or the Highway,’ right?”
She nodded.
“I didn’t recognize it the way you were singing it.”
“What way is that?” she asked, shifting subtly.
She was trying to put some space between us, but I didn’t allow it. I kept my hands where I wanted them.
“You sure you know the right words?” I asked.
Her sexy lips pursed. “I know them.”
“If you say so,” I said, but I think my twinkling eyes gave away my amusement at her expense.
“Don’t you have something better to do than hassle me?” She twisted, putting her hands on her hips and dislodging mine.
Nothing is better than being with her.
As I came to that realization, I immediately contemplated possibilities, ones she might allo
w where I could get my hands on her again.
Her gaze dropped to my bare chest and stalled there. The fact that I was shirtless seemed to just occur to her.
My mouth curved at her obvious interest, and when I flexed, she let out a breathy sigh. My cock extended to its full length, straining the confines of my shorts.
Too long. It had been far too long since I’d had her.
I spoke to draw her attention away from a big problem that I knew she wouldn’t remedy for me. Not yet, at least. But I wasn’t giving up. Not when touching her—hell, only just looking at her made me burn.
“Actually, I do have something much better to do than have my ears assaulted by you butchering that poor band’s song. I’m going surfing.”
Her gaze lifted, and she blinked a couple of times. After she cleared the haze and her eyes focused on me, I winked at her.
“You can take a picture with your cell. Look at it later for inspiration, if you know what I mean.”
“Ass.” She rolled her eyes, but she didn’t deny checking me out. “I like your tats. They’re interesting.”
I was certain that wasn’t all that she was interested in. “They’re kind of a road map to my life.” I gave her truth I wouldn’t give anyone else.
“Like the stickers on your guitar case.” She tilted her head to a reflective angle. “I’ll bet there are memories associated with each one from the places you’ve been.”
“Not a lot of memories worth remembering. Just my tats and my music to color the dullness and mark the empty time.”
Her jaw dropped.
Yeah, working hard and playing little made for a practically meaningless existence. Idle moments really meant lonely ones. Not surprisingly, I preferred work to play.
“If you’re finished with your gardening this morning, we could surf. I could share a story about a tat or two. And Cork could come,” I added quickly. Technically, we wouldn’t be alone, so she wouldn’t have to refuse.
Lotus glanced away, her teeth sinking into her full lower lip. I tensed, expecting her to turn me down. Saber had probably shortened the leash he already had on her regarding me, but before I could contemplate ways to snap it, she met my eyes again, surprising me.
Storm Page 18
