by Brynn Kelly
Rafe leaned over her. Shit. She kicked out, ready to fight with whatever energy she could squeeze out. He caught her feet, flipped her onto her stomach and pinned her like a butterfly.
Chapter 31
“Holly, it’s over,” Rafe rasped.
No kidding. No way could she fight anymore. “Make it quick,” she mumbled into the sand.
“Make what quick?”
“Kill me.”
“Merde.”
He eased his grip, and she rolled over, squinting as he crouched above her. He looked like Rafe again, her Rafe, his brown skin dappled with drops of water, his eyelashes wet. Her chest ached.
Her mind wasn’t fooled. You hear me? You’re not fooled. “Don’t you plan to finish the job?”
“You’re delirious. Wait here.” He took off down the sand, toward Theo.
Wait here. If only she had an alternative, but her body was finished. Her chest and arms started to shake.
It seemed like Rafe was back before he left, Theo with him. He knelt beside her and wound an arm down her back, pulling her into a sitting position. Something touched her lips, wet and cool. A water bottle. She grabbed it with trembling hands and guzzled.
“Get away from me,” she croaked, closing her burning eyes.
“Holly, it’s me, Rafe.”
“I don’t know who you are.”
“Mon Dieu.” Warm skin touched her cheeks. She eased open her eyes. He was cradling her face, so gently she could cry. “I’ll get you help.”
“I don’t want your help.” Dr. Jekyll had returned, but she wasn’t buying it. “Just leave me. I’ll find my own way out of here. I won’t talk.”
“Mon chou, you’re not thinking straight. You’ve been through so much.”
She pulled away his hands, feeling the fight return to her body, and forced herself up on her elbows, grimacing. “Oh, I’m not thinking straight? You just tried to kill me—twice. No, three times.”
His jaw dropped. “You know I was faking, with that pistol? For Gabriel?”
“Don’t give me that. You were going to that place you went to before—that...trance. You were descending, turning into the devil Gabriel said you would become, the machine you warned me about.”
“You are right, I was turning, but—”
“You were going to kill me.”
“Yes, but—”
“Sorry, I don’t think there can be a ‘but’ when you’re trying to kill someone. I could see it in your eyes. You pulled that trigger—on a loaded gun. If it hadn’t jammed, or whatever—”
“Holly, I knew the gun wouldn’t work. It was the same one the pirates had brought to Penipuan—to Deception Island. The sons of bitches double-crossed me—sold me a working one, then switched it with that piece of junk. It’s old and crappy and not something Gabriel’s men would bother with, so when they put it in my hands, I realized what I could do to get us out of there.”
He planted his hands on her shoulders. She shuddered. Oh, God, did her body want his touch, his comfort. But she was putting her mind in control, for a change. She shrugged him off.
“How could you possibly have been sure? I saw the guy hand it to you. You had your eyes closed.”
“I knew the gun, Holly. I know guns, and this one had nicks in it, scratches. I recognized them.”
“How did you know they hadn’t—I don’t know—fixed it before they gave it to you?”
“All they did was check it was loaded. I knew it wouldn’t fire. The mechanism’s broken. Holly, you don’t seriously think I’d kill you, after...everything?”
“Rafe, you were unrecognizable. And then you shot at me, after the chopper went down. If I hadn’t dived—”
“Mon Dieu.” He swiveled and sat, heavily, next to her. Theo nestled in beside him, seeking out Rafe’s huge arm and dragging it around him. Rafe pulled him tight. Holly’s heart tugged, despite her better judgment. “This is what you think of me. You think I am a monster.” He pressed his free hand into his eyes.
She sat up. “What am I supposed to think?”
“I thought there was something between us that...transcended...” He shook his head, slowly.
“So did I.” She didn’t bother to keep the pain from her tone.
“You don’t trust me.”
“Well, Jesus, of course I don’t. You kidnapped me, you tried to strangle me and you tried to shoot me—three times.”
“Why do you think I saved you from that soldier, in the jungle?”
“I don’t know—because you figured you might need my help?”
“Holly, I... I knew Gabriel would stop me from shooting you—you were worth too much to him. I knew his greed would win. I just had to be convincing enough to make him believe that I would do it. Gabriel wanted to believe me—to believe in me. If that hadn’t worked I would have found another way to keep us all alive. I didn’t think I would convince you, too. I believed—hoped—you thought more of me than that, after...” He rubbed the spot between his eyes, as if he was trying to clear a headache. Sand as fine and white as flour dusted his face.
“Oh, it was convincing, all right.” She was in danger of believing his explanation. Hell, she was in danger of throwing her weary body on his and sucking up all the comfort she could handle. She straightened her spine. “And what about when you fired at me on the water?”
He dragged his hands over his stubble. The rasping sound made her heart twang with a memory of their night in the hammock. “I wasn’t aiming for you.”
“Sure looked like it.”
He groaned. “I was aiming at Gabriel. He was behind you, about to shoot you. I told you to dive, and you dived.”
She narrowed her eyes. Patches of salt were drying on his tanned forehead, pinching the fine lines together. He looked ten years older than the night they’d met—and he’d looked haunted then. Still imposing, but...hurt and vulnerable. She tore her gaze away and forced herself to focus on the white-capped ocean. Don’t fall for it.
“You don’t believe me.” His voice was guttural.
Her throat tightened. She didn’t want him hurting—how stupid was that? “I saw you with him afterward, by the wreckage.”
“He was dying.” Rafe’s voice cracked. “My shot found its mark. I held him until death came. I couldn’t get his body to shore as well as Theo, so I let him go.”
Her eyes pricked. Theo stretched up and whispered something in Rafe’s ear, eyeing Holly. Rafe murmured back. He had an answer for everything, and it sure sounded like he was telling the truth. But how could she know? She was a failure at reading men she’d fallen in love with. Was she in love with him? She wanted to be—which was the craziest thing of all—but a boulder was sitting right on her heart and not letting her breathe. She wanted to believe him, but she didn’t want another broken heart.
Crap. Maybe the problem wasn’t Rafe, but her.
“I told Gabriel...” Rafe trailed off. He stroked Theo’s fringe upward and swept it to the side. The move looked habitual, and it probably was—a solo dad taming his kid’s hair, like he might do each morning before school. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I said I was sorry, that I wished to God I’d taken him with me that day, when I was rescued from the militia. It was my biggest mistake—and I’ve made many. I should have gone back.” His voice faded.
If she kept looking at him, it’d break her. But she couldn’t help it. His eyes watered. Oh, God—Rafe, crying? She gulped down a squeak, her own eyes burning.
“He said, ‘So do I, my brother.’ There was no bitterness in it, just longing, and...regret. And that was it.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, automatically. And she was sorry—not for Gabriel’s death, because he damn well deserved it, but for the pain and loneliness of his youth, and for the guilt and sorrow Rafe carrie
d. “If you feel responsible, you shouldn’t.”
“Seeing those scars on his body—that nearly broke me. He’s right. I abandoned him, just like I’ve all but abandoned Theo for most of his life.” He leaned his forehead on his son’s crown. Theo snuggled in deeper, as if claiming ownership. Her throat was too strangled to manage comforting words. Rafe remained still as a rock. After a silent minute, he turned to her, his eyes crinkled with concern. “It nearly killed me to pull that trigger on you, in the compound, even though I knew the gun wouldn’t fire.”
“It nearly killed you?”
He laughed curtly. “Ma chérie, you should know, I did nearly go into that dark place. So much of what Gabriel said was the truth, a truth I’ve hidden from myself for too long. But I knew I wasn’t the machine he believed me to be—that you still believe me to be. I managed to stay present, because I found my kill switch. You know what it is?”
She shook her head, unable to talk.
“You. I was falling into that hole, I was battling these demons. But then I thought of you and I felt this lightness right here.” He punched his chest, making Theo flinch. He kissed the boy’s hair. “This goodness. And it grew. It brought light with me into the darkness. I knew I’d fallen in love with you, and that meant I was truly human. With Theo, I’ve always doubted that feeling. I’ve always thought it was merely a basic animal instinct, no more than the protectiveness animals feel for their young. I once felt it for Gabriel—now I know why, because we are brothers. Were brothers.” His glistening eyes captured hers. “And now I feel it for you, but in a wholly different way. More urgent, more powerful, more hopeful. I’ve never known whether I can trust that feeling of...love...as a real emotion.”
The word love sounded unpracticed on his tongue. That alone made her stomach melt.
“Holly.” He gulped. “Meeting you, knowing you... You make me feel something I’ve never felt. Now I know that what I feel for Theo is not just protectiveness, but real love. It goes so deep inside. It’s the same way I feel about you.”
She whimpered and clamped a hand to her mouth. He was laying everything out, and it was everything she yearned to hear. So what was stopping her blurting out what she also knew to be true—that she loved him with every atom of her body? That she did trust him, and she knew in her heart his version of events was true? Maybe all the doubts of the last few hours were just panic at what was really going on—she’d fallen in love with this guy and was afraid of giving in to that feeling, of making herself vulnerable again.
“You don’t know if you can believe me.”
She shook her head, tears blurring her vision. Holy cow, she wanted to believe.
“What does your heart tell you?”
“To believe. But I don’t trust my heart, Rafe. It’s led me astray before. It got me locked up for six long years. How do I know this is real, this feeling that I—I want to always be with you?”
He grabbed her hand, sending little shocks up her arm. She didn’t pull away.
“Listen,” he said. “Both of us have learned from bitter experience not to let our guard down. But now I know there’s one voice we can trust, and that’s the one in here.” He relinquished her hand and gently touched her chest, over her heart. Goose pimples radiated from the spot. “It’s that voice that saved me just now, that brought me back from the brink. In the militia, I turned off all emotion, and in the Legion I was taught to act without passion, warned that it is a danger. Today I discovered it can be powerful in a good way. What does your voice tell you?”
It told her to give herself to him completely. She chewed her lip. Was she ready to take that risk?
“Holly, I’m in love with you—and I never thought I’d say that about anyone and mean it. I certainly didn’t think it could happen this quickly. But I trust this, more than I’ve ever trusted anything. I never want to be without you—you’re the most incredible woman I’ve met. You’re brave and you’re smart and you make me feel human—and believe me, that’s the biggest compliment I could give anyone.” He dropped contact. “I understand if you don’t feel the same. I’d deserve that.”
She sought out his hand and squeezed it, wanting to acknowledge the depth of what he was sharing, even if she couldn’t reciprocate.
Or...could she? What would that be like? She felt like a beached whale being crushed by its own weight.
“You know, Holly, I’m not the only one who has been sending mixed messages. Perhaps the only reason you went all sugar and honey on me was to trick me into helping you survive.”
She sat up straight. “No! Well, to start with...yes. But then...”
His lips curled into a grin.
“You’re teasing me! At a moment like this?” She couldn’t help smiling back. His jab was strangely comforting, a reminder of the bond they’d formed, of the chemistry that zapped between them.
“Then what?” he prompted, pinning her under his gaze.
She swallowed. Out with it, Ryan. “Then I realized there was an honorable man beneath the facade.” She looked at their linked hands, hers small and freckled, his brawny and brown. “A strong man who understood me like no one ever had. A man I felt I could give everything to, who would keep it all safe and keep me safe. I didn’t know if it was real or not. And then at Gabriel’s compound, with the gun, I thought—”
He dislodged their hands. With one finger, he drew a line from the base of her throat to her chin, tipping it up toward him. She shivered.
“It was real, Holly. It is real. I don’t know if normal people get this feeling all the time, but I certainly don’t. I know we have something powerful here. Something that transcends all the pain of the past. Something that can make us both stronger and better. Together.” He stroked her cheek with his callused thumb, wiping her tears. “To be honest, I don’t know how this is all going to work out. I don’t know if I’ll still have a place with the Legion, or whether I want one. I don’t know if I’ll be able to return to Corsica, now they know what I am—what I was. Right now, there’s only one thing I know—that I have a home, I have somewhere I belong, and it’s right here with Theo and you. If that’s all I have left, it is enough. I will never run again. Now, I’m sticking with the people I love, for good.”
She covered his hand with hers, where it touched her cheek, and leaned into it. “I’m scared, Rafe. How can I trust this?”
“I don’t know, mon chou. I desperately want you to, but this is something you must decide alone.” He gently disentangled his hand and drew her chin back up. “Before you do, you must know, those things Gabriel said I did, in the militia—they were true, all of them. I’ve never spoken of it in two decades. You know the worst of me now—more than anyone has ever known. That is the bottom of the black pit. There is nothing more for me to hide.”
She held strong to his gaze, sensing Theo’s eyes trained on her, too. What must he make of all this? “So don’t hide. Not from me.”
“I promise you, Holly, if you give yourself to me, I will give back everything I am. I will never do anything to make you regret it. I will work at being a father and at being all you need me to be—whatever that is. I’ve failed before, with my wife, with Theo.” He drew his son closer. “I won’t let that happen again. These things I feel... I will not bury them. I will let them come, and that scares me like nothing has ever scared me, and I will need you to help me work through them, to be the strong woman I know you to be. I can’t promise it will be easy, but will you try to be with me?”
Holy cow. This was it—time to front up or walk away. She filled her lungs. “I won’t just try. That wouldn’t be fair on any of us. I will trust you. I will give myself to you—and to Theo. God knows you’ve earned it.”
He smiled, all the way from his mouth to his eyes, leaned in and covered her lips with a salty, lingering kiss. Her heart flipped.
“Papa, est-ce que
cette femme est ton amante?”
Chuckling deep into his chest, Rafe pulled back.
“What did Theo say?”
He ruffled the boy’s hair. “He asked if you were my ‘lover.’ I didn’t know he knew this word.”
“Oh.” Her cheeks flamed. “That might have been something I said. At the time I was trying very hard not to die.”
“Je crois que je suis tombé amoureux d’elle. C’est OK avec toi?”
Rafe’s gravelly French flip-flopped through her belly. She’d have to learn the language, if she was to become part of this family. Family. The thought made her want to dissolve into a puddle of sugar syrup. Holly Ryan, playing happy families? How could that be possible? And how could it feel so right?
“Oui, Papa.” Theo peeked out at her shyly.
She looked at Rafe, expectantly.
“I said, ‘I think I am in love with her. Is that okay?’” Mamma mia, he was handsome when he was happy—brown eyes all sparkly, dimples, white teeth against bronzed skin. She could sit back and look at him forever. Hell, maybe she would.
She winked at Theo, guessing from his “oui” she had official permission to snuggle in close to his father, as he was doing on the other side. The boy smiled, bowing his head. Rafe circled her waist and squeezed. “Thank you for helping to save my family.”
“I was saving myself, remember?”
“Yes, you did that. And then you went back in, with me.”
“You think I did that for you and Theo? Pah. I did it for myself.”
“How so?”
She rested her head on his shoulder. What a relief to give in. “Because I couldn’t walk away from you. Because I’d choose to be with you no matter how many guns were pointed at my head and no matter how many voices in my head begged otherwise. How dumb is that?”
“Not dumb at all. Very wise, in fact.”
