9 August 2008
My darling Benjamin,
I’m sitting in your room with a pen and notebook, writing you this letter. I’m happiest here. I love your room so much; it’s the heart of our home. I can hear your cheeky laugh, feel the warmth of your hugs. Your cherished possessions—your astronomy books, Mr. C’s telescope, the chessboard I gave you last year, stuffed turtle, even the half-eaten packet of prawn cocktail crisps (Oh, Benjamin, those stinky crisps!)—make me feel closer to you. I just want to take it all in, remember every precious moment with you until you return from the library, books under your arm and stories to tell, and then I’ll hug you like there’s no tomorrow…like I’ve done a million times before…and put this letter away for you, my beautiful boy, to read after I’m gone.
I’ve never wanted for anything except more time with you. Fourteen years isn’t enough, but then neither would twenty, forty, or sixty. Sometimes the heart wants what it can’t have.
I always thought I’d see you go on your first date, graduate from school, get married, but I’ll miss all those milestones. That thought makes my heart ache, worse than any pain I’ve ever felt.
There are so many things I wanted to do, wanted to say…but I’m running out of time. I hope this note will give you comfort and guidance when I can’t, my love. It’s a collection of little things to remember, and maybe when you do, you’ll remember me, too.
Benjamin, always be polite. Say please and thank you, hold doors open for others, take your shoes off when entering someone’s home. It’s common courtesy (except I don’t think it’s very common anymore). Be the exception.
I want you to try new things whenever you can. If you feel nervous, that’s good! It means what you’re doing matters to you.
Always be open to new friendships. The person you chat with in line at the supermarket might become your best friend or even your soul mate.
Don’t feel that you need to be fashionable, cool, or rich to matter. None of those things will make you happier, not really.
Don’t compromise what you believe in your heart just to be popular. It’s better to stand alone and be true to yourself than in a crowd, regretting your choices.
It’s okay to have dessert for dinner—or eat more than one slice of cake! (Just not every day, okay?)
You already do this, but a gentle reminder can’t hurt. Brush your teeth at least twice a day. See a dentist. Girls won’t kiss you if your teeth are nasty (or missing—trust me on that one!).
Be wary of falling for someone who wants to change who you are, because that’s not the person you’re meant to be with.
Explore! See the world. Even a visit to a new town will open your eyes and introduce you to new people. A simple ‘hello’ could change your life.
Bake (and use ALL the chocolate chips!)
Dance, my darling. Dance like it’s “1999”! (Prince rocks, and so did 1982).
Big dreams are never silly. They help soothe a bad day and give us something to reach for.
One day, you’ll probably own a mobile phone. Please don’t walk and text—you’ll hurt yourself and others in your path. Plus, you’ll miss out on the amazing things happening around you. Be present, Benjamin. Put the phone down and engage with life.
Failure isn’t a bad thing. It can hurt, but it’s how we learn, how we figure out what’s right for us. I’d rather you try and fail than never try at all.
You can never say ‘I love you’ enough, and the people you love can never hear it too much. Say it warmly, say it often.
If you believe in nothing else, please believe in love. It can make miracles happen.
You’re so much braver than you think you are.
Grief might make you turn inward for a while, but please, my love, try to look outward. Embrace your superpower; listen carefully. Look for people who might be hurting, who are silent in their pain and aren’t asking for help. The best way to heal yourself is to help someone else.
Benjamin, please don’t be sad for me or angry that your father left. The love I was supposed to find wasn’t his; it was yours. Always yours. You’ve made my life so happy, so full—my funny, brave, thoughtful son. I’m so proud of the young man you’ve grown to become.
Please don’t be scared. I’ll be there by your side and I’ll love you until the last star fades.
Love, Mum
xoxoxoxox
Gasping through tears, Riley folded Ben’s cherished letter, her heart heavy with sorrow and loss for an extraordinary woman she loved but would never meet.
Seventy-Two
One month later
“Mom, check it out. Isn’t this cool?”
Riley held her phone high and did a slow sweep of the flags, shoppers, and food so Maggie, wrapped in her bathrobe post-shower, could feast her eyes on the Maltby Street Market through her tablet. A cloudless, sunny April sky, more typical of a spring day in New York City than London, had brought people out in droves, every stall surrounded by customers hungry for a lunchtime deal. Ben had mentioned to Riley an hour earlier that he’d be lucky if he had any Love Bites left by 2 P.M.
“Mmmmm!” Maggie squinted through the screen over her breakfast. “Are those the loaded waffles you keep Instagramming?”
“Yep! They smell even better than they look!” Riley swiveled, giving her mom a close-up of the batter being poured into the nooks of a sizzling griddle. “You can get them piled high with marshmallows and chocolate sauce or go healthy with fruit.” Riley’s phone returned to her face. “So, come on—spill, Mom. Did Casey bring Sophie last night?” Before Riley left for London, Casey had promised he’d visit Maggie regularly to check in and make sure all was well.
“He did. We had pizza and watched a movie. Sophie is lovely and absolutely adores Casey.”
“Aw! He texted me some cute photos from her cousin’s wedding last weekend. I’m so happy for him. I was worried he might retreat into his dark editing cave with me and Pip gone.”
“Well, he has, but he’s not alone.” Maggie spread strawberry jam on her toast. “Sophie’s helping him with his new documentary.”
“Couples that work together…” Riley glanced over her phone and spotted Ben a few stalls away, handing a box of Love Bites brownies to a customer. “I love it.”
“So, how did it go yesterday afternoon?”
“Mom, it was AMAZING! I shadowed the series director! I swear, it felt like I learned six months of stuff in a day. On the studio floor, she introduced me to one of the BBC’s casting directors, and she invited me to spend half a day with her, too. I told my boss and she said I can go. Can you believe it? The two things I want to do most!”
“Well, sounds like you’re not missing the California dream at all!” Maggie took a bite of toast.
“I’m not!” Riley winced, squeezing through the crowd. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t prefer the weather—and having Pip around—but I adore London, really like my new therapist, and love my job—and my boss! She’s been like a mentor to me, and get this: she’s not supposed to say anything, but she gave me a heads-up about two coordinator jobs being added this fall. She told me I should apply but…” Riley looked away with a shrug.
“Riley.” Maggie set down her toast. “We talked about this.”
“I know, but I’m so far away, Mom. What if something…happens?”
“Sweetheart, please don’t worry. I’m feeling great! I’m busy with work, friends, my book club, and I’ll feel even better if you’re living your life, enjoying yourself. If a job comes up while you’re there and it’s something you want to do, apply for it. I’m fine, fit as a fiddle—if I wasn’t, I would tell you.”
“I know,” Riley said quietly. “But I miss you.”
“Oh, honey. I miss you, too, but I’m always just a call away. We talk more now than when you lived here, silly!” Maggie laughed.
“But I can’t hug you.”
“But you will…soon! And I’ll bring you Funyuns, and Ben some black-and-whi
te cookies—a little taste of home.” Maggie picked up her coffee and took a big sip.
Riley slipped behind Ben’s table. “I can’t wait!”
“Can’t wait for what?” Ben waved a blue plastic glove at Riley’s phone screen. “Oh, hiya, Mags!”
“Hey, Ben!” Maggie beamed over her mug. “Look at you, our young entrepreneur!”
“Mom and I were talking about her coming over with Piper in August. Thank God for seat sales!”
“I booked that week off,” Ben half-shouted toward the phone, handing a sample of his pretzel-topped brownie bites to a teenager. “Riley’s making a huge must-see list: the crown jewels, St. Paul’s, Platform 9 ¾ at King’s Cross—”
Riley interrupted, bumping his shoulder. “Ben will probably be dressed up as Harry Potter.”
He smirked. “Jeez, you dress up one time…” He caught the eye of a thirty-something guy with his five-year-old daughter. “Sorry, just a sec, Maggie!” Ben stepped away and slipped back into work mode as two women and a cluster of seniors joined the swarm eyeballing his cookies and cakes. “All right? What can I get ya?” The dad asked for a large slice of red velvet cake, triggering Riley’s smile to stretch into cheek-aching territory.
“See that, Mom?” She reversed the camera and aimed at the table. “They’re buying your cake! Ben says your red velvet and Shannon’s peanut butter brownies are his bestsellers.”
She reversed the camera once more, her mom’s face back on the screen.
“His mom would be so proud…” A hint of sadness dimmed the brightness in Maggie’s eyes. “Riley, when I’m over, I’d like to visit Shannon’s grave. I’m sure somewhere, somehow, she knows what Ben means to us, but I want to tell her myself, mom to mom.”
Riley smiled warmly. “Yeah, of course we can—”
“Oh, Mags, did Riles mention?!” Finger poking the air, Ben jumped back into frame and the conversation. “Mark’s invited us to Aberdeen for a day or two while you’re—”
“BEN!” Riley punched his arm.
“Oww!” His eyes scrunched with a hurt ‘What was that for?’ glance. “Oh…bollocks. Yeah, sorry…it’s a surprise, right?” He loomed large into the lens towards Maggie, his face a sheepish half-smile. “Ermm…surprise!”
Maggie looked awestruck. “Really? We’re going to see where they film Lairds and Liars?!”
Riley nudged her way back on screen, smiling. “Yeah. We’ll fly up with Alex, hang out on set, and all go for dinner together. I thought if anyone was going to let something slip, it would’ve been Piper, not you, Fagan!” She laughed, pointing an accusing finger.
“Soz, love—my bad! Look, I’m retreating…back to my baked goods!” Ben chuckled and greeted newly arrived customers, his stock almost sold out.
Riley gave her mom a ‘guys, huh’ eye roll and moved a few steps out of the way. “Hey, I hope Piper’s not too exhausting on the flight.”
“I might be the exhausting one.” Maggie licked jam from her thumb. “I’m so excited! My first transatlantic flight! Piper might need earplugs and a sleep mask if she’s sitting with me; I don’t think I’ll sleep a wink!”
“I pity the person in the third seat.” Riley chuckled. “Every time we talk, Pip’s even more buzzed about coming to the kids’ TV show taping at my work. I’m hoping she’ll apply for a job while she’s over. She’s got dual citizenship, so…”
“Well, she loves it over there, so you never know.” Tugging the neck of her bathrobe, Maggie noticed the time on her tablet. “Oh, seven-thirty already? Sweetheart, I’ve gotta run! I’ve got a date with an orphaned cocker spaniel at eight.”
“Aww, give the shelter pups a cuddle from me.” Riley smiled. “I love you, Mom. Talk Monday?”
“If not before.” Maggie tucked a short piece of hair behind her ear. “Love you! And give Ben a big squeeze.” She waved and the FaceTime session ended.
Ben appeared over her shoulder. “Bollocks. She’s gone?”
“Yeah, she’s off dog walking, but she was thrilled to see you in action.” She kissed him on the cheek and pulled out a roll of Love Hearts from her denim jacket. She popped one in her mouth and smiled blissfully. “I love this, you know…spending weekends here with you.”
“Yeah, me too…” Noticing a pause in business, Ben tugged off his food-service gloves and motioned to the back of his stall. “Love, c’mere for a sec.”
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Remember we said no more secrets? We’d be completely honest with each other?”
The urgency in his voice made Riley wary. “Yeah?”
“Well, I’ve got a confession…” His smile tightened as he scratched his messy bedhead. “I hate long-distance relationships.”
That’s his confession? “Um, tell me something I don’t know.” Riley giggled and wrapped her arms around his hips, her fingertips slipping underneath his apron and shirt into the waistband of his jeans. “But I don’t remember any distance in our relationship this morning.” Her lips brushed his ear. “Remember how hard you came when we…?” she whispered teasingly.
Ben closed his eyes and a naughty smile swept across his face.
Riley kissed his lips. “Next Saturday, I’ll leave my flat earlier so we’ll have more time at yours.”
Jolted out of the memory, Ben’s eyes popped open. “See? That’s what I mean, Riles. We’re still long-distance!” He frowned, hugging her close. “On a good day, our flats are an hour and a half away from each other, and it’s not even a direct route. A train and two bum-numbing Underground rides—it takes forever, right?”
Riley nodded. “Yeah…”
“So…” Ben took a deep breath. “How ’bout moving in with me?”
Whaaat?! Holy crap! Riley’s smile flickered then slipped away. “Uh, at Spencer’s…?”
“Oh, Christ, no! We’ll rent our own place—Elstree, maybe, near the Beeb? If we can find something small, affordable enough. It wouldn’t be a palace, but…”
“I wouldn’t even know what to do with a large place.”
Ben pulled her closer. “Just think: no flatmates, no long commute…more time in bed every morning and night…”
Good God, that’s definitely a bonus. Riley plucked a piece of lint off his shoulder. “But I might be jobless in five months.”
“I doubt it. I think your boss is prepping you to stay. Companies don’t invest time like that if they’re planning to send you packing, and if she’s already hinting about you applying for upcoming jobs, I’m betting you’re quids in.” He kissed her on the nose. “And that’s the other thing, Riley—you’ve seen it yourself—Love Bites is crushing it. Seriously, I can’t keep up with demand! It’s not just this—it’s the extra money from those corporate gigs and weddings. I know I’ve still got a ways to go before I have my own shop, and we’ll have to scrimp and save for a while, but it’s kinda romantic, right? You and me, taking on the world, living off peanut butter sandwiches…shagging until we can barely walk.” His fingers traced along her back.
Riley laughed. “Yeah, we’d be limping around…but with stupid big smiles.”
Ben grinned. “For the first time, I’m really excited about the future. For the first time, I don’t want to escape. I want to make my own happily ever after…with you, the girl who gave me stars on my birthday and a reason to believe in myself again, a reason to love again. What do you say, gorgeous? Play house with me—for real?”
Oh, my dear sweet Ben, I’d give you the stars and more if I could. You stole my heart and saved it from being broken, and now it’s yours, completely. Riley looked at Ben, his smile bright and selfless, his soul open to love and ready to let the hurt of his past fall away. He was too gorgeous, too fun, too beautiful inside to walk through life unattached. And you want me by your side.
The market’s foot traffic was getting heavy again, but Ben wasn’t in any hurry to get back to work; the only sweetness he wanted was from Riley, and she wanted him right back. I want to kiss you so hard right now. Sh
e captured his lips and hugged him tight, her kisses slowly melting away to reveal her answer, spoken in a confident whisper. “Yes, Benjamin. It’s a yes!”
“Yeah?” Ben’s smile could’ve lit up all of Bermondsey. “Well, snog me again, then—before more customers show up!” He tenderly cupped her face and leaned in, kissing her softly until she parted her lips, her quiet gasps promising she was his.
Benjamin Fagan, the Brit boy who stumbled into my life and changed everything.
It was inevitable, just as Riley had thought.
One day, Ben would meet a smart, pretty girl who loved books, new adventures, and eighties music.
But Riley had cast the girl all wrong.
Ben’s girl…was her.
Acknowledgements
Thank you so much for reading Until the Last Star Fades!
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have called myself a mental health warrior. I hid my anxiety and fought through panic attacks, but when I wrote Alex Sinclair’s struggles with anxiety in my first two books, I saw my mental health challenges in a new light. I saw how they might help others. So, instead of leaving Alex to bravely face the mental health stigma on her own, I joined her. I haven’t been silent about mental health awareness since.
With Riley Hope, I opened up about my own smiling depression. The diagnosis sounds funny, but it’s no laughing matter. Ignorant notions about people with my type of depression abound, but I can tell you, none of us are weak. We’re resilient and we feel everything so much—that’s our superpower. It’s time to tell the ugly stigma to, as Ben would say, “do one.” I hope in some small way, I’ve done that with this book.
The mom storyline in Until the Last Star Fades was incredibly hard for me to write. I lost my mum a few years ago and it changed me like nothing else has. Even though she’s not “here”, I talk to her all the time, and she lives in these pages—just little things that mean everything—as well as the gut-punching challenges with cancer, summers spent in hospitals, the endless hope for good news, and the crushing despair when it’s elusive. I’ve been there, and my heart breaks for anyone who’s been there, too.
Until The Last Star Fades Page 44
