by Luccia Gray
I squeezed him tightly. “It’s a relief. I thought you might have met someone.”
“Met someone?” He held me at arm’s length. “Someone who might have recognised me, you mean?”
“No, I mean a woman. A young girl perhaps.”
“What?” His furrowed brow and narrowed eyes told me he didn’t like what I had said.
I didn’t like his tone or his look, so I moved away to my desk. “Well, I’m not much company anymore, am I?”
He sighed, shook his head then dropped it into his hands and closed his eyes, as if he didn’t want to see me. Had I upset him, or was it true that he had found someone else? I couldn’t blame him if he no longer loved me. “I asked you once to tell me if you ever stopped loving me, Michael.”
He took his boots off and ignored my comment. Perhaps he needed to tell me something, but I didn’t want to hear him tell me he didn’t love me anymore.
He unbuttoned his coat and stared at me quietly. I was so worried he was going to leave me. I had to say something to break the silence.
“The postman brought a letter from Mr. Dickens today.”
He dropped his hands to his knees and turned his face towards mine. His eyes were drawn and he looked tired, or perhaps it was sadness.
“Good news?”
“Yes, it was. I was replying when you arrived. He was on his way to Ireland for a month of public readings, and before leaving he wanted me to know that the first chapters of my novel have sold very well. Everyone in London wants to know what will happen to Maria in the asylum. I had planned to add just a few more chapters, to complete the first six months, but he has asked me to draw it out for another six months until Christmas. He suggested I introduce other patients’ lives.”
He smiled at last. “Is that what you want to do? Do you want to write more about the asylum, or does it upset you?”
“I’d like to write more. I thought I might introduce a love story between two of the characters. I thought there could be a book they both read, which they shared, and wrote encrypted messages in the margins. They’d fall in love and escape in the end.”
He looked at me quizzically. “I thought all the patients were women. How would they meet a man? Would it be one of the keepers?”
“Well, I remembered Christy and Daisy, and I thought of a love story between two women. I could base the characters on them. What do you think?”
He looked surprised, then smiled and shook his head. “I think you’re the cleverest person I’ve ever met. It’s an excellent idea, Jane. You’ll shock them all out of their complacency.”
“Do you think Mr. Dickens will like it?”
“He’ll like anything you write, Jane. He adores you. He’d publish a fairy story if you wrote it.” He sighed. “I’m relieved he is in love with Miss Ternan.”
“Well, I’m no match for Ellen. She’s younger and much more beautiful than I am.”
He stared at me, shook his head again as if he didn’t believe me, and then he lay back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. I wondered how long he would ignore me. I walked back towards him.
“Are you hungry, Michael?”
He didn’t answer or move. He looked at me questioningly. I could tell something was on his mind, but he said nothing.
“I helped Shirley make some pasties today. Would you like to try them?”
“You made pasties?”
“Well, I helped Shirley make them. She made the pastry and then I helped her with the fillings. There are pieces of beef and slices of potato, and then it’s wrapped in pastry and cooked in the oven. Cook would be quite shocked if she’d seen me.” I tried to sound good-humoured, but he was silent.
He was indeed in a strange mood. I thought it might be because of the fight, or perhaps there was something else he wasn’t telling me. Michael ate voraciously, and he was always in a better mood after eating.
“Well, shall I bring you one?”
He turned towards me and answered sternly, making sure each word stood out. “No. I do not want you to bring me my food.”
I didn’t know what I had done to upset him. “Why not, Michael? Aren’t you hungry?”
He stood and held my shoulders. “Don’t you understand? You shouldn’t be serving me.”
I moved backwards, startled by his loud voice and clipped tone. Did he want me to leave? What had I done wrong?
“I don’t want you to cook, or clean, or serve my food.”
“But Michael, anything I do for you is a pleasure.”
“Your hands are too precious for those tasks.”
He stood and approached me, but I backed away. There were shadows under his eyes, which had grown darker. I was suddenly afraid of him. Would he turn against me and hurt me too? He held my arm. “Jane,” he said, but I pulled away from him, moving towards the door. He was angry. Perhaps he would strike me.
Where would I go in the middle of the night? I preferred to be devoured by a pack of wolves than hit again. I turned the knob and pulled the door. A gust of wind blew my dress, but his hand swept past my face and pushed the door shut.
His hands were on either side of my head, leaning against the wall and he was breathing heavily. I turned and pushed my hands against his chest. “Keep away.”
“Jane, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t hit me.”
“What? Do you think I could ever hurt you? I’d cut off my hand before it ever offended you.”
I was having difficulty breathing. Would he turn into a monster and hurt me? “You’re angry,” I whispered.
“Yes, I’m angry, Jane, but not with you. I could never be angry with you.” He moved his hands from the door and cupped my face, so softly I felt a tear slide down.
“Who are you angry with, Michael?”
“I’m angry with myself.” He wiped my tear with his thumb. “Don’t you realise how beautiful and gifted you are? I’m terrified of losing you, and you’re worried that I’ve found another woman. There can be no other woman. You are part of my heart, Jane. When I’m not with you, I’m half a man. I need you like I need to breathe.”
I placed my hands on his shoulders. What had happened to me? How could I have thought Michael would ever harm me?
He kissed my cheeks and then my lips. “I’m angry with myself for not giving you everything you need, and upset that you don’t trust me. I’m not making you happy. I promised I’d make you happy. I thought I could make you happy, but I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if we did the right thing escaping, coming to Cornwall. Perhaps they were all right and we were wrong. Perhaps I should have let you go back to Eyre Hall and returned to the navy.”
“Don’t ever say that you’ll take me back to Eyre Hall, because I’ll climb up to the highest cliff and throw myself off the minute you leave me.”
“I’m sorry, Jane. I’ve failed you.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “What have I done to you that you can even consider taking your life?”
“You didn’t do anything. They did it. I’m not good enough for you anymore. I’m damaged and useless. I can’t do any of the housework, I have no money, I look dreadful, my hair’s too short, my clothes too worn, I can’t sleep, I’m sick every time I eat, and I can’t even please you anymore.”
He lifted his head. “Jane, none of that is true. You’re still not yourself. Harry said it would take many months for you to forget your ordeal.” He held out his hands to me, and when I placed mine on top, he squeezed tightly.
“Jane, please, don’t cry. Let me hold you. Let me tell you how much I love you.”
“Do you love me?”
“Jane, you’re the only person I care about. The only woman I’ll ever love. Please come here. Let me comfort you.”
I fell into his arms, let him embrace me and cried bitterly for the loss of our life. After a few minutes he spoke. “We need to talk, Jane. Can you talk now?”
I nodded, still in tears.
“Well, let’s try.” He smiled. “May I kiss you fi
rst?” I nodded and his lips swept over mine gently, waiting for permission to take complete possession. “Jane,” he whispered, “let me love you.” I closed my eyes and let him overwhelm me until I was light-headed and unsteady. “Jane, I love you.” He held me so tight, I thought I’d faint, but when he let me go, I felt empty.
“Don’t leave me, Michael.”
I melted into another lingering kiss. “Does it seem to you that I want to leave you?”
I shook my head, unable to speak.
“Good, because I’m never leaving you, especially when you’re wrapped in my arms and responding to my kisses. That’s all I need at the moment. I can wait for the rest of you, Jane, until you’re ready.”
He led me to the couch again and I sat down, while he disappeared into the kitchen. He came back chewing a pasty.
“Did you really help Shirley make these?” I nodded. “They’re delicious.”
“I’m glad you like them.”
He went back to the kitchen and brought two more along with two napkins.
“Would you join me and have one?” He dropped it into my lap. I looked at it with displeasure. I was too overwrought to eat.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to swallow anything right now.”
“Just a minute,” he said and rushed off to the kitchen, returning with two tankards of ale.
“It’ll be easier to swallow with some ale. Come on, eat half and I’ll eat the rest.”
I bit a tiny piece, chewed and drank some ale. He smiled and watched me eat, while he devoured a pasty in two bites. I ate a few more bites, which I washed down with some more ale.
“Jane, I didn’t mean to be rude before. Please forgive me for being abrupt. I appreciate this delicious food you’ve made, but I don’t think you should work in the kitchen every day, only occasionally, if you enjoy helping Shirley, and it doesn’t please me to be waited on by you, Jane. It makes me feel like I’ve failed you. You deserve so much more, and I feel worthless because I can’t give you what you deserve.”
“I wanted to feel useful. I thought it would be fun to help Shirley, and I wanted to serve you because you work so hard Michael, and I’m not doing anything useful.”
“Do you like living here, Jane? Would you like to stay or should we find somewhere else?”
“I like it very much here. I enjoy the sea air, the walks, the bluebells and rhododendrons, the lake, the colour of the sky in the evening. There are so many things to like. I’ve met a few people, like Shirley, Blains, Miss Burns, the teacher, and the children at school, and some of the parents. They seem peaceful country folk, except what happened to you today.”
“Then we’ll stay. We’re safe, for the moment. They may never find us, at least not in a long time. The problem at the pub won’t happen again, I’m sure.”
“How will we make a living here, Michael, and how are we going to repay Blains his kindness?”
“I’m helping him on the farm with the cattle and sheep for now, but you’re right, I need to pay him back for all his help. I need another job. I don’t mind helping Blains, but there’s not much money in farming.”
“We need to speak to Mr. Smythe. He must send me the money from my uncle’s Madeira winery at least, that belongs to me. I should also contact my publisher, Mr. Spencer. There must be some royalties due from last year’s sales.”
“I’m sure both Mr. Smythe and Mr. Spencer are taking good care of your money, but we can’t risk visiting them, Jane, not yet. We don’t know how far we can trust them. Briggs signed the testimonial against you. We can’t contact Adele or Susan either.”
“But Michael, you know we can trust Mr. Smythe.”
“Jane, we’re fugitives. They’d be in trouble if they helped us.”
“Mr. Dickens has been very generous. He has sent a cheque with the payment for the first six chapters, and I’ve only sent him three. He said he would send me the next six months’ when he returns from his travels.”
“That’s good news. We can pay Blains and his family back for his help and buy a better cart. When the rest arrives, we’ll buy dresses and toiletries.” He smiled and kissed me. “Don’t misunderstand me, you look beautiful whatever you wear, but I want you to feel as beautiful as you look.”
“It would be nice to go shopping again, and to have some nice perfume.”
He finished eating and drinking and put his arms around me. “This is a very prosperous area. There are plenty of jobs I can do. I could work in the mines.”
“No, Michael. I don’t want you to work in the mines. It’s dangerous and dirty.”
“I could go back to sea, but it would mean I’d be away for days or months on end.”
“No, Michael, I couldn’t stand being away from you, on my own, for months.”
“There are jobs fishing.”
“What kind of fish?”
“Pilchards. They’re drawn in shallow water, then cleaned and pressed for preserving. Blains told me his uncle has a workshop with some fishing boats. I’ll apply tomorrow. The hours are long. I’ll have to leave before dawn, but I’ll be back for late lunch. Shirley will be here all morning doing the cooking and the housework, and we’ll still spend the evenings together.”
“Can we afford Shirley?”
“Our savings are coming to an end, but once I start working at the fishery, we’ll have enough funds.”
“I feel so useless, Michael.”
“How do you think I feel? You could be living a life of luxury, and you’re living like a penniless fugitive because you chose to come away with me.”
“Michael, if it weren’t for you, I’d still be in that dreadful asylum, probably half-dead by now.”
“I wish I could erase that episode from your life, Jane.”
“Michael, I’m afraid. What’s going to happen if they find us?”
“As a last resort we’ll have to leave England. There are many places to go, America, Australia, India, even.”
“I wouldn’t like to travel so far, Michael. What about Ireland or Scotland? There are plenty of isolated places and remote islands where we could make a living.”
“We need to live each day at a time, for the moment. Once John takes over the estate, which he no doubt already has, he may forget about us.”
“And Helen? Poor Helen. I think of her every day, alone in that strict and miserable institution.”
“You know Annette and Harry promised to look after her, and one day soon, we’ll be able to bring her back. I promise.”
I curled into him as he held me and kissed the top of my head. “By the way, I just remembered, who’s Mr. de Winter?”
“He’s the owner of Manderley, the large house by the sea. He also seems to own most of the farmland around here. Why?”
“At the tavern they mentioned he had visited the school.”
“It seems he sponsors the school. I think he came to see who the new French teacher was. I asked him for some books for the school library which is very poorly stocked.”
“Did he ask you a lot of questions?”
“Yes, he did, but I lied very well. I told him we would be spending a few months here, because my doctor recommended sea air for my recovery from a miscarriage and melancholy.”
“What’s he like?”
“He reminded me of Mr. Briggs, when he was younger. He’s tall and thin with thick grey hair. He dresses very smartly, and seemed very aloof and distant. He doesn’t care about the school or the children. He came because he was curious, I suppose.”
“You didn’t like him, then?”
“I’m not sure yet. I thought he seemed sad, even tormented. I assume Manderley has as many secrets as Thornfield Hall and Eyre Hall together.”
He smiled and pulled me closer. “That’s hard to beat.”
For the first time since we arrived, I felt less numb. I sunk into the warmth and safety of his arms.
“Michael, I’ve hardly seen you this week. You’ve been working so hard. Could we spend the day tog
ether, tomorrow? I saw the sky this evening. It was crimson and amber. It’s going to be a beautiful day when the sun rises. I’d like to go for a walk by the beach, and buy some fruit at the market in town.”
“Of course, my love.” He threaded his fingers through my hair. “Your hair is getting longer. Remember I told you that when you can wear a bun we’ll be safe?” I nodded and smiled. “That’s going to be very soon, my love. We’re on a stairway to heaven, at last.”
***
Chapter XV Pride, Greed, and Lust.
I had just returned from Lowood, where I had spent the afternoon visiting Helen with Harry. When Fred opened the door, the archbishop was waiting for me in the hall.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the drawing room. “Where have you been, Annette? We have been waiting impatiently for you.”
John was standing by the fireplace. He turned when I was dragged in. “You’re late for dinner, again.”
“I’ve been to see Helen. I promised Jane I would make sure she was well looked after.”
“Don’t you think a mother should make sure her eldest son’s needs are attended to before anyone else’s?” John asked me.
“Helen is a frightened little girl in a sad institution. John, please let me bring her back to Eyre Hall. I’ll make sure she behaves, and she’ll never be in your way. You don’t have to even see her if you don’t want to.”
“I suppose we could send her back to the servant’s quarters, we’re in need of a maid. It’s time she earned her keep. She’s been living off our charity for long enough. Would you prefer that arrangement?” asked the archbishop.
“No. I’d prefer her to stay at Lowood, where she is at least being taught reasonably well. She tells me her teachers are excellent.”
“Why did you return in the doctor’s carriage?” asked John.
“Harry, I mean Dr. Carter, came with me. It’s very cold and damp at Lowood, and the food is not very nutritious. I wanted the doctor to see her.”
The archbishop fixed his gaze on me. “I’ve already told you that you should not be seen in the company of a country doctor. How will we ever marry you to a suitable husband if you’re seen with him?”
“Harry will be moving to London shortly. As you know, his mother passed away recently, and he cannot pay the new lease you require on Ferndean.”
