‘My God,’ said Charlotte, appearing at my side looking visibly shaken as Sharon, the sound girl, rummaged around in the back of my trousers to retrieve the microphone pack. ‘What a load of old harridans.
‘You were very good,’ she added doubtfully. ‘Well, until the end anyway …’
I shuddered. ‘Did I sound like a fishwife?’
‘Yeah, you did a bit, love.’
Terrific. So much for being poised and serene then. ‘What happened to my hair and make-up?’ I said crossly. ‘And where’s bloody Clive anyway? Shouldn’t he be here?’
‘You were totally marvellous, darling,’ said Shane, bustling up. ‘As I just knew you would be. Now let me just check my little list – have we got all your details?’ He consulted his clipboard and then looked at me coyly. ‘Just in case we need you again. Just in case you make Randolph’s Round-up .’ He lowered his voice huskily, ‘Which I think, my darling, you just might …’
‘Randolph’s what?’
‘Round-up ,’ said Toni, who had appeared by my side, holding my jacket and handbag. ‘We do it at the end of the series – a re-run of the best moments. It’s totally wicked.’
‘We get the really good guests back to watch themselves,’ added Shane. ‘You know, sitting on the sofa, smiling at how upset they got – a sort of where are they now?’ He gave me a little nudge. ‘Maybe you’ll have cured yourself by then by taking dried loganberry leaf or something …’ He winked. ‘Or you can pretend you have …’
‘That’s cool. You were wicked,’ Toni said, as Shane waltzed off. ‘If Shane’s saying that, I’m sure we will call you again …’
‘Really?’ I preened a little. ‘Did you hear that Charlotte? I may get called back as one of the best …’
‘Hmm,’ said Charlotte. ‘They probably say that to everyone just to stop them suing for damage to their reputation. Bloody hell. Look out!’
I turned to see Alicia striding toward us, arms swinging, face determined.
‘I think she’s going to hit you,’ murmured Charlotte.
Afterwards, I couldn’t really quite recall how it happened – I saw her arms come up and I remember bracing myself, thinking it’s probably best to stand quite still and just let her do it, hoping all the while that Charlotte would land her one hard, decisive blow and knock her out, in the manner with which she had once dealt with Janine Jackson when we were at school, and thus save me having to get involved in an undignified brawl. As Alicia bore down on me, hand outstretched, I closed my eyes.
And then opened them again when I felt a pair of arms wrapped round me.
‘You were brilliant,’ someone said in my ear.
‘What?’ I looked into Alicia’s face. She was grinning. ‘Your face was a picture,’ she said. ‘But you were so good – I loved that bit when you screamed back at me.’
‘Yes, well,’ I said, uneasily. ‘Of course I’m sorry for what you went through with your mum and I can see how you’d feel upset for your father in those circumstances but really, I do feel that some of us, in certain cases …’
Alicia threw back her head and laughed. ‘My Dad pissed off when I was three and Mum and her boyfriend are totally cool,’ she said. ‘If anyone starts throwing the cutlery about, it’s me!’ She laughed again. ‘I made it all up’ she giggled. ‘They had dozens of mad cows already – no offence – so they needed someone to put the other side. I was just doing it to be on TV. And you know – it’s a day out and a few quid, isn’t it?’
I looked at her in shock. ‘Is it? Do we get paid?’ I raised my eyebrows at Charlotte. Nobody had mentioned money to me.
‘Yeah, they don’t advertise it but if you tell them you’ve got to miss a day’s work to be here, you can usually pick up a couple of hundred. You should have done it beforehand, really – last night or first thing this morning when it would be really inconvenient for them to find someone else. That’s the way.’
‘Right,’ I said faintly, marvelling at her acumen and my lack of it.
‘I’m trying a get a tape together,’ she explained. ‘I really want to become an actress. I’ve got myself an agent and he said get as much variety as possible. So I’m going on Hang Out with Hannah next week to talk about marital abuse.’
‘Are you married?’ asked Charlotte.
‘Not likely.’
‘And how old are you?’ I enquired.
‘Twenty-four.’ She grinned. ‘Tell you what,’ she said, linking her arm through mine, ‘I’m looking for someone to go on Cook Around the Clock with me. Fancy that?’
Charlotte snorted with laughter.
‘What?’ I said.
‘It sounds brilliant,’ said Alicia. ‘My friend, Shirley, went on it and they had loads of champagne and got put up in a really posh hotel. You could be my mum.’
‘Thanks.’
‘No, seriously, that’s what they want. You go on as a pair – sisters, married couple, friends, or whatever. I phoned up and they said that, right now, they’re looking for mothers and daughters. Haven’t you ever seen it?’
‘No.’
‘Yes,’ said Charlotte. ‘And you’re kidding. You’ve never seen Lu in a kitchen.’
‘It’s great,’ said Alicia to me. ‘One of you can cook and one can’t. The one who can’t cook gets a chef to help them and they have a race to cook something with the one that can. They have a chef too but he just watches and says whether they’re any good or not. So I could be all hopeless and you can be a yummy mummy type who makes cakes all the time and is trying to encourage me.’
I shook my head. ‘But I can’t cook either.’
Alicia waved her hand dismissively as if this were a minor detail. ‘It’s supposed to be fabulous and you get to meet two famous chefs – we could get Jamie or Gordon Ramsey or anyone –’
‘Mmm,’ I said, ‘I like him but I really don’t do cookery. Well, not apart from pizza and chicken nuggets and things you just put in the oven. I made a beef casserole once and left it in the oven all day and it was still like leather …’
Alicia shrugged. ‘We can work something out.’
‘No thank you,’ I continued. ‘I don’t want to do anything like this ever again. I mean you may have been pretending but some of those up there …’ I nodded toward the now-empty back row of the set.
Charlotte nudged me. ‘I thought you’d had it when that old dear started on about the housework. What a dragon she was.’
‘Oh God yes,’ I shuddered. ‘She scared me rigid. Terry bloody nappies. Doris, wasn’t it? Where the hell did they get her from?’
Alicia grinned again. ‘That’s my gran.’
Chapter Five
‘So how’s the star?’ Charlotte’s husband, Roger, kissed her on the mouth and turned to grin at me. ‘Hollywood called yet?’
‘It was hilarious,’ said Charlotte. ‘We thought Laura was going to get lynched.’ She smiled happily, clearly cheered by the bottle of wine she’d managed to procure from Kevin on the drive back.
‘It was ghastly,’ I corrected, having drunk less of it than she had. ‘Has Stanley been OK?’
‘Fine. He’s upstairs on the PlayStation with Joe.’ Roger put his arm round Charlotte’s shoulders and squeezed. ‘And Becky’s flouncing about somewhere. Don’t suppose you’ve thought about dinner?’
Charlotte waved a hand airily. ‘Not really. Have you thought about a bottle of wine? Laura and I have had a very arduous day.’
Roger rolled his eyes indulgently. ‘There’s one in the fridge. Shall I go and get us all fish and chips?’ He looked at me. ‘Are you and Stanley staying?’
I pulled a face. ‘I promised Stanley a delivered pizza apparently.’
‘Oh, well we’ll all have that,’ said Charlotte briskly. ‘There’s a leaflet in the kitchen dresser.’ She headed purposefully across the hall. ‘Roger, give the kids a shout and we’ll phone up!’
Before Roger had a chance to draw breath she’d thrown back her head and yelled herself. ‘Beckeeee!’
I followed her into her bright kitchen with the vast scrubbed pine table I’d spent many a wine-soaked night round. The assortment of empty cups and glasses on it, along with the discarded crisp packets and biscuit wrappers, suggested that the kids hadn’t exactly starved in our absence.
Charlotte opened the huge fridge and pulled out the bottle of wine. ‘Didn’t strain themselves clearing up, I see! Ah, there you are,’ she went on, as her daughter Becky appeared in the doorway. ‘Go and ask the boys what pizzas they want, Bex.’
Becky pushed back her long, dark hair and scowled. ‘Why do I have to do it?’
‘Because I just asked you to,’ said Charlotte sweetly. ‘And say hello to Laura, please – don’t be so rude.’
Becky shone a smile on me. ‘Hello, Laura,’ she said in exaggerated tones, and then in her ordinary voice, ‘what was it like?’
‘Wait till you see it!’ said Charlotte with glee. She crossed the room to the doorway. ‘Boys !’
‘You’d have loved it,’ she told Becky. ‘If Laura has to go back and you’re not at school, we’ll take you next time.’
‘I want to go on The X Factor ,’ said Becky.
‘You’re too young,’ Charlotte replied in a tone that suggested they’d had this conversation before. ‘You have to be 18.’
‘I can look 18,’ said Becky. ‘In fact,’ she added with quiet relish, ‘one of the sixth-formers at Highcourt saw me on Facebook and said he’d have thought I was 19.’
‘Well you’re not,’ said Charlotte, wagging the corkscrew. ‘You’re 13 and you remember it. Which reminds me, you can put my new lip gloss back where you found it. And my eyelash curlers. Now go and get your brother.’
Becky pulled a face, sighed loudly and moved off.
‘Little moo,’ Charlotte said, handing me the corkscrew and rummaging in a drawer. ‘I’d better get on that damn Facebook page and check it again. You should see the photos she and her mates put up. All this pouting and finger-sucking stuff – total jail bait.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve told her Roger would have a fit.’
‘What about?’ said Roger, coming up behind her.
Charlotte held up a pizza menu. ‘Found it! Nothing – just Miss 13 Going On 26 up there.’ She frowned. ‘Get that wine open, Laura, for God’s sake.’
Joe burst into the room, wearing a red football kit, with Benson, the family’s black Labrador, bounding along beside him. Stanley trailed behind in his socks. My son had taken off his tie and his shirt was untucked, with a large smear of mud down the front. The bottoms of his trousers, still much too long despite my torturous attempts to take them up, were scrunched around his feet and had already began to fray from constantly being walked on. There was another smear of mud on his face and his hair was more than usually unkempt.
‘Good day at school?’ I asked, holding out my arms to him.
‘OK.’ He looked sideways at Joe and frowned.
‘Both come and give me a kiss,’ instructed Charlotte, hugging Joe and reaching out an arm to Stanley. ‘And you, young man!’ Stanley blushed, smiled and allowed himself to be embraced. ‘Now go and give your mother a smacker.’
Stanley smiled sheepishly and came over to me, looking me up and down.
‘Is that what you wore on television?’ he asked disapprovingly. ‘What did you say?’
‘She was very good,’ said Charlotte firmly. ‘As we’ll see when it comes out. I must write it down.’ She crossed the room to where a big desk diary lay open on the work surface and picked up a pen with a flourish. ‘Weds, 9 a.m. Set video, Laura!’ She gave one of her raucous laughs. ‘Ooh, I can’t bloody wait.’
Stanley pulled a face at me. ‘I hope none of my friends see it.’
‘They’ll all be at school. And nobody we know watches that sort of thing anyway.’
Charlotte raised her eyebrows at me.
I hope.
By the time we’d finally established who was having what size pizza with which extra toppings and how many free side-orders we’d earned, it was nearly 8.00 p.m. and I was starving.
‘Where’s that damn phone gone now?’ said Charlotte, lifting up tea towels and moving school books. ‘Becky, have you taken it upstairs again? I’ve told you before, it stays in the kitchen.’
‘I’ll go and get them,’ said Roger.
‘There’s no need – we can have them delivered.’ Charlotte was still moving things around. ‘It drives me mad the way they do this. The idea of a cordless phone was to make things easier – now I can’t find the bloody thing. Whoops – sorry Joe, naughty Mummy,’ she added hastily as her son came back into the kitchen. ‘I’ll go and use the phone upstairs.’
Roger shook his head. ‘Really – I don’t mind going at all.’
‘What’s the point? Delivery’s free if you spend over 15 quid.’
‘But will they bring wine too? We’ve only got the one bottle and by the look of that …’
Charlotte smiled. ‘Good thinking! What would I do without you?’
Roger picked his car keys up from the table. ‘OK, I’ll see you in a bit.’
‘Take the dog with you,’ said Charlotte.
‘I’ll come too, Dad.’ Becky got up from the table.
‘I thought you had homework to do.’
‘Oh, it’s not much, I can do it later.’
Roger shook his head ‘You get it finished now.’
Becky stuck out her bottom lip and sighed. ‘It doesn’t even have to be handed in until next week.’
‘You’ll have more by then. Do it now, please.’
Becky gave another huge sigh and flounced toward the door. ‘Whatever.’
‘I won’t be long.’ Roger kissed Charlotte briefly on the cheek and went out into the hall. We heard the front door open and close.
Charlotte shook her head. ‘She doesn’t give him half the lip she gives me. If I’d said that, there’d have been a half-hour debate.’
‘Have you got homework, Stanley?’ I suddenly realised my son was very quiet beside me.
‘I’ve done it.’
‘Sure?’
‘Yes !’
Charlotte topped up both our wine glasses and handed me mine. ‘I’m just going to hustle Joe into a quick bath before Rog gets back. Make yourself at home.’
I always did feel at home at Charlotte’s. It was usually noisy, often chaotic, with assorted extra children around and people coming in and out, but it always felt welcoming and warm.
Charlotte paused at the door and looked back. ‘What do you want to do, Stanley love? You can go and put the TV on if you like – or go back on the PlayStation.’
‘Thank you.’ Stanley nodded. He seemed subdued. But before I could ask him anything, he followed Charlotte out of the room.
‘I’m going to finish my game,’ he said over his shoulder. I looked at his spiky hair. Maybe he was tired – or hungry. At home, we’d have long eaten by now and he’d be having a bath himself. Or perhaps Becky had been teasing him – he could be quite sensitive. No brothers or sisters to knock off the edges – as my mother was fond of reminding me with thinly-veiled disapproval. I’d have a chat to him later.
Upstairs, I could hear the sound of running water. I sat down at the table and pulled the paper toward me, skip-reading the dreary stuff about the economy and the problem of house prices and flicking to where a survey had found most high-flying women agreed that what they needed more than anything was a wife. Someone, as one top female banker explained, to look after all the domestic minutiae, keep the house organised, and have the dinner cooked when they got home.
Hmm. Daniel wouldn’t agree with that definition. In one of his tirades about what a dreadful partner I’d been for the entire 16 years we’d been together – silly him, for not spotting it sooner – he had turned purple and spluttered that I was completely “incompetent”.
‘You,’ he’d spluttered, grasping at clichés, ‘couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.’
‘Unlike Emily,�
� I’d yelled back, ‘who knows how to get a shag from one!’ A reference to the fact that the peroxide lollipop had been hired to artfully arrange barrow-loads of hops and piles of malt for a photo-shoot in a brewery in Faversham and had invited Daniel along to “watch”. He’d tried to pretend he was doing an undercover on-the-spot tax check of off-licence sales but even I wasn’t stupid enough to fall for that one.
Really, I thought now, that was what galled me most about the whole business. It wasn’t him deciding that, after all, he’d prefer to get his leg over a simpering blonde 20-something instead of his increasingly grouchy and greying 42-year-old wife – given the choice between Daniel and, say, Christiano Ronaldo or that lovely young man who’d just joined EastEnders , I’d have been tempted too – or even that he’d lied and connived and tried to have the best of both worlds and would still be stringing us both along now if I hadn’t found out and thrown all his clothes in the garden. No.
It was the way he obviously had no respect for my intellect at all. He really, genuinely thought I was brainless enough to believe all his silly stories. Like the time when he came home and announced …
I was jolted out of my reverie as somewhere in the corner of the room a phone began to ring. I looked round trying to work out where the sound was coming from.
I started picking up random items of school uniform piled on the end of the work surface, wondering if Charlotte would answer it upstairs. But the phone was still flashing away as I finally located it beneath what looked like Becky’s games shirt. Maybe it was Roger with a query on the pizza order. It was a withheld number, but perhaps he had his phone set like that.
I carried the handset to the doorway. I could hear the sound of a hairdryer going upstairs. ‘Shall I get it?’ I called. There was no reply. The phone rang on. I pressed the green button.
‘Hello?’
It was a female voice, speaking hurriedly, almost breathlessly. ‘Can’t you see what’s under your nose?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Your husband – can’t you see what’s going on?’ Daniel? I thought stupidly. Was this old news or was he having yet another affair? These weren’t Emily’s cool tones. ‘It’s me he wants to be with. He’s just left me …’
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