“It’s probably one of her old ones.” I shrug. “She’s not even here. He said he didn’t want to buy tickets for her and Zach. Apparently this would interrupt her busy schedule of mani-pedis and Pilates.”
“She’s not even fuckin’ there?”
“Nope. Not worth the trip, I guess. And it was only about five minutes into our conversation before he got snippy.”
“Aw, that sucks, babe,” he says. “I can’t believe your dad’s being a dick like that.”
“Eh, what else is new? He was bound to fuck my day up somehow. I have to go to dinner with him tonight, and I’m—”
I hear a distinctly female laugh in the background before James whispers, “Hang on, I’m talking to my friend.”
“Are you busy?” I say, feeling just a little irritated.
“No, just giving my girl Lexi a ride home from the shoot,” he replies nonchalantly.
Lexi Jaxxxon, clearly. When he was out here he mentioned that he had an upcoming shoot with her. I guess it went pretty fucking well if he’s “giving her a ride” home. I can read between the goddamn lines. He’s going to fuck her. Again. He’s taking her home right now, and he’ll surely head right to her bedroom and have wild, freaky, porno sex with her. For some reason, that infuriates me so much I want to throw the phone against the wall.
“I should let you go,” I say, now feeling overwhelmingly dismayed about what I’m currently imagining will take place once they arrive at their destination.
“Nah, babe, I’m good,” he says.
“It’s not a big deal. You’re busy, and I can just talk to you later,” I say with a sigh.
When James is focused on getting laid, it’s very difficult to derail his train of thought. That’s his goal right now, and despite how polite he’s being, I know I’m only getting a fraction of his attention. It makes me feel weirdly jealous. It’s stupid, of course, because he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s just being James. He’s on a mission to fuck, and I’ve never been one to stand in his way.
“Listen, I should start getting ready for this dinner with my dad.” I try to sound upbeat, but I’m guessing he can see through it—or rather hear through it.
“Lola, baby, I can talk. I’m not busy. It’s fine. I can talk and drive at the same time. Tell me about what happened with your dad,” he insists.
“Really, it’s nothing. Just me freaking out, as usual,” I say with a fake chuckle. “I’ll call you tonight to tell you how it goes. You go do your thing with your lady there.”
“You sure?” he asks, probably making that face he makes when he can tell I’m lying.
“Yeah, it’s cool. I’ll have more to vent about later,” I reply.
“All right,” he says, finally accepting that I’m done, “but I want to hear all about it, okay?”
“Uh-huh. Thanks again for the laptop. You made my day.”
“You’re welcome, babe,” he says warmly. “Definitely call me tonight.”
“Yep. Will do.”
“Okay, well, congrats on graduation, and I hope everything goes well with your dad,” he says to wrap up. “Talk to you later, kid.”
“Bye, James,” I say before hanging up.
I sit there for a couple minutes, trying to figure out why I’m so damn angry right now. Whatever he’s doing or planning to do with Lexi is none of my business. He can do what he wants. He’s been doing what he wants with every girl under the goddamn sun for years, so I shouldn’t suddenly start giving a shit now. I did what I needed to do, thanked him for the Mac, and I didn’t need to have a big conversation about my dad with him right away. I’ll have more to talk about after dinner and that’s probably when I’ll really need him. By then, he’ll be sex-sated and ready to listen.
Deep breath, Lola. Shake it off. I get up and sit with my family for a while before I go to my room to pick out what to wear to this inevitably awkward dinner.
Chapter 15
James
AS SOON AS I HANG UP the phone with Lola, Lexi reaches out from the passenger seat and starts rubbing my crotch.
Today’s shoot was hot as fuck, and she was turning me on big time. The rumors were true, and she is, in fact, very flexible and wild. She dug it so much she said she’s going to request me for a few more shoots this month. I’m psyched because she’s really famous in the business and her shoots pay more than the ones I’ve done in the past. This could be a great opportunity for me to take that next step to bigger movies. I’ve been keeping a low profile because I was worried my parents would find out about my job, but now I don’t give a fuck, and I want to shoot for the fuckin’ moon.
“You know what I want?” Lexi smiles as she unzips my fly.
Oh, I’ve got a pretty good idea what she wants.
She starts stroking me, and I concentrate as hard as I can on the road. She leans forward and takes me in her mouth just as we pull up in front of her place. It’s way nicer than mine, a duplex instead of a shitty apartment building, and I’m a little nervous about getting head in the driveway like this.
“Come on, let’s go inside.” I smile at her when she looks up at me. “I want a repeat performance of the shoot today.”
She giggles and nods, quickly hopping out of the car while I tuck myself back into my jeans and step out. She leads me to her door, and we practically fall in as she starts kissing me.
We go into her bedroom and start fooling around, but I’m having a slightly hard time concentrating. I keep thinking about my conversation with Lola and everything surrounding her graduation.
I wish I could have been there for her today. I needed to just man up and stick around for her, even if it meant being in the same town as my parents. I would have loved seeing her get her diploma and taking lots of pictures of her. I’m really proud of her, and it sucks that I wasn’t there to show her that.
She was there for me at my graduation, hooting and hollering when they called my name and giving me a huge hug afterward. She even made a couple sassy jabs at Jonathan when he tried to act snobby about how he got way better grades than me when he was in high school. I loved having her there at my side, being supportive and proud and all that. I should have done that for her. If things weren’t so fucked up, I totally would have.
I’m a little distracted when Lexi starts blowing me again, and I try really hard to live in the moment. It feels good, and that’s what I should be focusing on right now. I have to stop this constant stream of Lola thoughts.
I go down on Lexi, she blows me, then we run through the playbook from missionary to doggy to all sorts of advanced positions that are mostly just reserved for people in our profession, and I feel slightly calmer by the time I get back in my car.
Still, I have a weight in my stomach. I don’t know why I keep feeling so fuckin’ guilty after sex, but it sucks. I’ve never felt this way before, and I can’t stand it. I need someone to talk to, and I’m sure the fuck not going to call Lola and tell her how my intense attraction to her has left me so conflicted that I’m having trouble enjoying the one thing I really love doing.
I find myself on the doorstep of a small but well-kept bungalow, knocking on the door and keeping my fingers crossed that someone’s home.
A vato-looking dude with a full sleeve of Day of the Dead tattoos, dressed in a wifebeater and gray sweatpants opens up the door and gives me a hug.
“James, what’s up, man?” he says.
“Hey, Alejandro. You got a minute? I just need to talk to somebody,” I say.
“Of course, come on in.” He smiles as he ushers me inside. “Everything okay?”
“Eh, kind of.” I shrug.
“Who was that?” a lean, lanky, blond-haired, blue-eyed guy in a navy T-shirt and jeans says, stepping out from the kitchen to take a look.
“It’s James, baby,” Alejandro says.
“How funny! I was literally just talking to Alejandro about inviting you to dinner tonight,” Chad says, giving me a warm hug.
Chad and Alejandr
o are my best California friends. They’re both well-known stars in the gay porn world, and we met at the very first Sin Cinema party I ever attended. We were instant friends, and they’ve been like my caring, understanding big brothers through my whole journey in the biz. When I have a problem that I can’t bring to Lola, these dudes are always there for me to turn to.
“You look bummed out,” Chad says, leading me into the kitchen.
“I just…I feel like shit,” I say, immediately realizing that I might be more bummed out than I originally let myself believe.
“What’s going on?” Alejandro asks sympathetically.
“A Lola problem,” I reply, a little ashamed to admit it.
The guys exchange looks, and Chad walks over to the fridge and grabs three beers, motioning for us to go out onto their sundeck and take a seat. He’s prepared for this to be a lengthy conversation.
I open up my bottle and take a long sip before setting it down and trying to figure out how to broach this subject. “I didn’t tell you guys the whole story of what happened when I went back home,” I finally begin.
Both of them look very interested in what I’m about to say.
“I told you about my parents and a little bit about the whole prom situation, but there was more…Lola stuff.”
Chad leans forward, resting his chin on his hand as he eagerly awaits the rest of the story. Both of the guys know about Lola—since I talk about her all the time—and I get carried away, so I tend to reveal more than I probably should. They’re always shooting each other little glances when I start going on about her, and I’m sure they have their own suspicions and assumptions about my relationship with her.
“While I was staying at her house, I sort of hit on her a little bit,” I say, trying to downplay the incident. “She flirted with me too, so she was into it. At one point, I tried to…sort of…do something with her.”
Chad gasps, and a grin spreads across Alejandro’s lips.
“You finally had sex with her?” Chad excitedly asks.
“No, no, nothing like that. It didn’t go that far.” I note his use of finally, and I smile to myself with embarrassment.
Of course these guys would think that I’ve been waiting to hit it for years. I haven’t exactly kept quiet on the subject of Lola’s beauty, and I actually remember saying something about how I used to try to convince her to play doctor with me so I could look at her body.
“Well?” Alejandro grins. “Go on!”
“I kissed her neck, and I kind of felt her up a little bit,” I murmur. “She stopped me the first time—”
“There was more than one time?” He chuckles.
“Yeah,” I shyly admit. “The first time was right after the blowout with my parents, and I figured I was just feeling emotionally vulnerable and looking for a pick-me-up—at least that’s what she said.”
Again, they exchange sneaky little looks.
“The second time, though, it felt different,” I say, looking down at my beer and not wanting to make eye contact for fear that they’ll spot some kind of tell that would blow my cover. “It was early morning, and we were in her bed. Something just came over me, and I was on her and feeling her up. She was letting me, she was even moaning and stuff, and I was just about to finger her, but her alarm went off and it sort of jolted me back to reality.”
“Very interesting,” Chad says with a smart-ass smile.
“I could have probably…you know…I mean, if there had been a little more time. She was really receptive to the idea all of a sudden, and I felt a whole wave of emotions that freaked me out.”
“You were conflicted,” Alejandro correctly summarizes.
“Yeah, I wanted to do it, but part of me was yelling that it was totally wrong. And now it’s just gotten worse,” I confess. “I keep feeling guilty after sex. I fucked Lexi today and it was awesome, but the second I left I felt like a piece of shit for thoughtlessly fucking her. I felt like I took advantage of her. And it was even worse with Tara—”
“Oh, shit,” Alejandro says under his breath.
“What?” I ask, turning to him.
“Tell me you’re not fucking Tara, James,” he says with exasperation. “You don’t need to get tangled up in that shit.”
“Just a couple times,” I confess, feeling like a child who’s about to be grounded.
“James!” Chad reprimands me. “You know that’s stupid. You know how Tara is. She gets very attached, and she’s not going to let go easily. If you keep fucking her outside of work, she’s going to assume you want a relationship with her—and she’s been dying to get her skanky hooks into you since you guys did your first scene.”
I laugh, despite his condemning tone. Chad and Alejandro do not care for Tara Morgan. They’ve been in the industry for longer than me, and they’ve seen her rapid rise to fame. According to them, she can be ruthless and vindictive. And they’ve been very clear that I absolutely should not fuck with all that.
“She’s just always there. She’s always available whenever I want. It’s so convenient, and I don’t have to put any fuckin’ effort into it.”
“Like you had to put a lot of effort into it before!” Chad teases.
“Yeah, but this is seriously zero effort. I literally text her, and five minutes later she’s on her knees with my dick all the way to her tonsils,” I explain.
Both guys make gross-out noises, and I laugh.
“When I need it, she’s there. When I feel like I absolutely have to fuck, she’s down.” I shrug.
“Okay, but why do you think you need it in the first place?” Alejandro wisely asks.
“It’s funny, Lola kind of asked me the same thing,” I say after a brief pause. “She was giving me shit for always wanting to get laid when things bother me.”
“I believe they call that self-medicating,” Chad says, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s not that bad.” I chuckle, shaking my head. “I’m not fuckin’ addicted; I just like getting laid. It makes me feel good, and I like to do it regardless of how emotionally fucked up I am at the time—and you two can both stop doing those little glances like you guys are diagnosing me behind my back!” I add with a laugh.
Both of them snicker, totally caught in the act.
“I don’t need to fuck all the time. Most of the time when I’m really bummed out or mad, all I need to do is talk to Lola. So see? If I was a sex addict, that wouldn’t work. I’d be constantly trying to get my next fix, not wishing I was cuddling with Lola while she talked me through it.”
“You realize what you just said, right?” Chad smirks. “Do you hear yourself? You’ve just equated cuddling with your best friend to sex. You’re admitting that you like it as much as sex. Sounds like a deep emotional connection to me.”
“Shut up,” I say, knowing I’m blushing.
“Oh, my God, look at him!” Alejandro laughs, hitting my arm.
“Both of you can fuck off.” I chuckle, unable to contain my embarrassed smile.
“That’s where all your guilt is coming from,” Chad says. “You’re in it, my friend. You’re emotionally invested. You need to take a look at what’s going on inside and come to terms with what you’re feeling.”
“I don’t need to take a look anywhere,” I reply, still feeling like I’ve been busted. “She’s my friend, and I like being around her. So what? You guys are my friends, and I like being around you. It doesn’t mean there’s more to it than that.”
“But neither of us is a beautiful girl you’ve known since childhood who you suddenly want to sleep with,” Alejandro teases.
“I don’t want to sleep with her!” I roll my eyes, though I’m not certain if that’s the truth. Fuck! Now I’m more confused than when I started!
“Okay,” Chad says with a hint of snarky sarcasm.
“I don’t!” I attempt to refute.
“Sure, of course you don’t,” he continues.
Alejandro laughs his ass off at this whole thing, and I give them
both fake glares.
“Fuck you guys!” I laugh. “You’ve just never seen how it is with us. You’re assuming that just because she’s really beautiful and sweet and I care about her a lot, it means I want to fuck her. I don’t want to fuck her; I just like her. I want to spend every day with her. I want to sleep in her bed and watch movies with her and cook her dinner and stuff, not plow her.”
Chad gives me the cockiest smirk. “It sounds like you’re in lo—”
“Don’t even fuckin’ say it!” I chuckle, pinching the bridge of my nose between my eyes like this whole thing is giving me a migraine.
Alejandro nearly falls out of his chair laughing.
“I hate you guys so much right now,” I say, which only makes them laugh harder.
When they give me shit like this, it totally feels like they’re my older brothers, but they’re always supportive, unlike Jonathan.
“Maybe you guys should just talk this out,” Chad says once he gets over how fuckin’ hilarious all this apparently is.
“It’s too weird,” I say. “It was weird enough to even admit that I thought she was hot. I can’t get into any of this deeper shit with her. What if it freaks her out? I don’t want her to know.”
“I’m just saying,” Chad replies. “It’s better to get it out there so it doesn’t get really weird later.”
There’s a long pause as I think about what would happen if I really did spill all this to her. “Hi, Lo. I’m completely obsessed with you, and I want to fuck you so bad that it’s ruining my sex life with other girls.” Yeah, that definitely wouldn’t freak her out.
“I was kind of rude to her today.” I sigh, feeling guilty again. “She called to thank me for her graduation present, but I was in the car with Lexi and I kind of cut her off. She was telling me all this stuff about graduation and her dad, and I was thinking about how bad I wanted to fuck Lexi. I am such a dick!” I throw my head back as the impact of it hits me. “What the fuck is happening to me? I’m being an asshole to her on the phone, but all I want to do is hug her and kiss her, yet I keep doing shit that will push her away.”
“There’s just a plethora of issues at work here.” Chad shakes his head.
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