Leaning forward, I rest my head in my hand. The ache in my chest hasn’t let up although the anger has subsided. I know it will take time to get over this, and I will. I only wish we were in season right now because I need something to take my mind off Cassie. Unfortunately, that’s another three months away.
Until then, I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to do.
Half an hour later, when I’m back in my car, I pull my phone from the center console and check the messages. There’s one text from Cassie. She’s sorry that she forgot dinner.
That’s it. No explanation as to who the guy was, no comment about my hasty retreat from her house. Just an apology for missing dinner.
I wish that didn’t hurt as much as it does. The thought of her spending time with another man makes it doubly painful, but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like we had decided on exclusivity. I had merely assumed, which is on me. My bad.
I text her back: No worries. Sorry I didn’t get back to you. Was at the gym.
Dumping my phone in the cup holder, I pull out of the parking lot. The thought of going back to an empty house isn’t appealing in the least. But I know better than to go to a bar. That’s a surefire way to find my ass in some serious hot water. I could always call Deter or Mark, see if they want to grab a beer. Then again, that would require me to talk and right now, I’m really not up to it.
When I pull up to the stop sign, I sit there. No one’s behind me, which allows me to process my options. By turning left, I can go home. I can make a sandwich, then call it a night. If I turn right, I can go to Cassie’s.
Instead of going home, which would be the smart thing to do, I find myself turning right.
We’ve never stayed mad at each other for long and I honestly can’t allow myself to stay mad at her now. I need to move on, to get things back to the way they were, because the fact of the matter is, I want Cassie in my life. If I have to settle for friendship, then that’s what has to happen.
But I think it’s time we both make the first step toward getting things back to the way they were. The only way to make that happen is to suck it up and get it over with.
Cassie
The relief that hits me when I get Chase’s text is a little overwhelming. I didn’t realize I’d been practically holding my breath waiting for him. Sure, I’m pretending otherwise, but I’m obviously not doing a good job of it.
And now that he’s extended an olive branch by texting me back, I’m not sure what to say to him. Do I ask if he still wants to have dinner? Do I tell him I’ll see him tomorrow? Do I get dressed and show up at his house and surprise him?
There are a million options, but my butt is still planted on my couch. I have no idea how to handle this. And maybe the reason I’m not making a move is that I’m scared shitless about how things will play out.
Chase was very angry earlier. There was no doubt about that. But I’m not sure why. Was he jealous? Or is that something I’m projecting because I’ve gone off the deep end and fallen in love with my best friend?
“Why does it have to be so complicated?” I mutter, but there’s no one here to answer me.
Staring at the blank television screen, I try to decide which is the best option.
I need to break things off with Chase.
The sex, not the friendship.
I think we need to go back to the way things were so neither of us gets hurt. I’ve already gotten in over my head and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. I’m not relationship material. Look at my role model. I mean, I was raised by a woman who couldn’t find happiness if it came up and bit her on the butt. Betty spent my entire life searching for something that I can only assume doesn’t exist. If it did, wouldn’t this thing between me and Chase be easier?
A knock sounds at my door and I nearly jump out of my skin. I’m not expecting anyone tonight, so who could possibly be here? Chase would just come in because that’s the way he rolls.
Getting to my feet, I head to the door, setting my wineglass down on the table in the foyer. I glance through the security hole and see…
Yanking open the door, I smile at Chase as he stands on my porch. “Hey. Why’d you knock?”
He shrugs. “Trying to be polite.”
That’s an odd thing for him to say, but I don’t question it. The fact that he’s here makes the night all the better. “Come in.”
Stepping back out of the way, I wait for him to come inside before closing the door.
“Your company leave?”
I figure he already knows the answer, since Jonathan’s car is gone, but I simply respond with “Yeah.”
Chase looks nervous, but I’m not sure why.
“You want to come inside? I can throw something together for dinner.”
“No. I’m good.”
Okay then.
There’s a strange churning feeling in my stomach. Like butterflies, only in reverse. A sense of impending doom, I want to say.
Swallowing hard, I watch as Chase turns around to face me. There’s something in his expression that makes me instantly want to cry. I have no idea why that is.
“Are you okay?” I ask, but my voice comes out choppy and rough. It’s the emotion bubbling up inside me, I know.
“I’m good.” He quickly turns away. “No, actually I’m not. I want to be, Cass, but…”
“But what?” I ask when he pauses.
He turns to look at me again, this time moving closer. The butterflies take flight and I feel like my insides have been replaced by an air bubble. I can hardly contain the pressure as I wait for…I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.
“Cass,” Chase breathes, his mouth suddenly within inches of mine.
I’m against the wall, not even sure how I got here. The only thing I can do is stare at him.
What is it that I want him to do? Part of me wants him to kiss me, to take me back to that magical place where nothing else matters but the two of us. But the logical side of my brain says that’s a stupid idea. We’re at a point that if we don’t turn back, don’t revert to being the friends we’ve always been, it’s going to get ugly.
It’s inevitable that my heart is going to be broken, but that’s not Chase’s fault. He’s never promised me anything, so I have no right to want more than I should have.
“I…uh…” I try to pull back, to put a little distance between us. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
Okay. Wow.
Seriously, fucking wow.
I did not mean to say that, but it flew out of my mouth and I sounded as though I meant it.
Chase frowns, his eyes focused on me.
The fact that he doesn’t say anything doesn’t help the situation.
It actually makes it worse.
So much worse.
Chapter 29
Here’s another question I tend to ask my interviewees: “When your back is against the wall and you have the option of fighting or retreating, which do you tend to do? And, do you think before you act?”
Chase considered his response to this far longer than he had any of my other questions, so I sat on pins and needles waiting for his answer. I wasn’t disappointed.
“It depends on how badly I want something. When it comes to the game, I give it everything I have. I’m all in, one hundred percent. Outside of that, I think I still tend to fight.” His smile turned mischievous when he said, “As far as thinking things out…that’s not something I usually do. Whether or not that’s a good thing, I don’t know. One day, I’m sure it will come back to bite me in the ass.”
—Excerpt from Sports Unlimited’s Bad Boys of Sports edition
Chase
I have no idea what I was thinking when I nearly kissed Cassie. The only thing I know is that I have this incredible craving for her. I have since as far back as I can remember and now that I’ve had her, it’s only intensified.
For a second there, I forgot about everything else. About our argument, about the fact th
at she had a man in her house or that I still don’t know who he was or why he was here. Never mind the fact that she’s not offering that information.
The truth is, none of it matters because when I’m with Cassie, she’s the only thing I want. This past month has been a series of highs and lows. I finally have what I want—her—but I don’t actually have her. She’s there, but she’s not mine for the taking. It’s not something I’ve dealt with well.
Yet, I find I still want her.
It’s stupid, sure. I need to move on with my life. Go back to being the fun-loving playboy who isn’t thinking about screwing his best fucking friend because she has no interest in him. After all, that’s what she expects of me, right?
And then it does hit me. She did have a man here. She did blow me off to spend time with him. I’m clearly not a top priority in her life and I can’t live with that. I fared better as her friend. So, yeah, I think it’s best if we put this all behind us.
Turning to Cassie, I decide to do exactly that. “So you’re good?”
“Define good.” She offers a small smile.
I wish I could smile, but right now, I don’t feel like it. I never thought I’d experience heartbreak, but it’s happening to me. I don’t like the feeling one bit. I feel weak, needy. It’s not a good look for me, which is why I’m done. Moving on.
And there’s no time like the present.
“I’m taking care of getting the marriage dissolved,” I tell her. “So you don’t have to worry about that.”
“Chase…”
“I just came by to make sure you’re okay. To tell you I’m sorry for overreacting earlier. And now that I know you’re fine, I’ve got…to go.” Turning toward the door, I pause. “If you need anything, let me know. I’ll be around.”
“Chase.”
Ignoring her, I walk right out of the house. She and I are clearly not on the same page and until I can get my shit together, I think it’s best if we keep our distance. I can’t think rationally when I’m around her and that’s doing neither of us any good.
“Chase!”
I stop with my hand on my car door handle. I exhale and try to hold it together.
“Don’t leave. Please.”
Turning, I lean against the car and cross my arms over my chest. “Why, Cassie? Why do I stay here? Because your company left? I know it’s not for sex because you said you didn’t want to do this anymore.”
She frowns and I hate that the words came out of my mouth, but I can’t stop them, nor can I take them back. I’m not good with dealing with emotions. That’s the reason I’ve made a point to avoid them.
“We need to talk about this,” she says. “About…us.”
“Us?” I choke out a laugh. “There is no us, Cass. You’ve made that very clear.”
Her eyes widen and I realize how much I’ve given away in those few words.
I’m surprised to see her moving toward me, walking down the steps, along the path to the driveway. I never take my eyes off her, not even when she comes to stand directly in front of me.
“What happened in Vegas—”
I lean in and glare at her. “If you say it was a fucking mistake…”
She inhales sharply and takes a step back. “Are you saying it wasn’t?”
I thrust my hand through my hair. I don’t know what I’m fucking saying. All I know is being with Cassie wasn’t a mistake. Not from my perspective.
“Chase.” She sets her hand on my arm.
I meet her gaze, holding it. I know she can see everything I’m feeling because I can’t hide it from her. I’ve spent years keeping it to myself and I can’t do it anymore. It’s out in the open now and she has two choices…see it through or cut me loose.
At this point, I think I’d be content with either one because I’m tired of pretending.
“Come inside, please.” She nods toward the door. “We can talk.”
“I don’t want to talk, Cassie. I have nothing to say.”
It doesn’t take long before Cassie shuts down. “Fine. Walk away. I don’t care.”
“I know you don’t,” I mumble, then turn and open the car door.
“What is that supposed to mean?” She’s irate, but I don’t really blame her. I’m being a jackass. I should have simply gone home and dealt with this tomorrow after I’ve had more time to cool off.
“When you get it all figured out, Cassie, give me a call. I might be around.”
“That’s it?” she exclaims. “That’s all you have to say? We’ve been friends for years and now that we’ve…” Her voice lowers slightly. “Had sex, you’re done with me?” Her hands go to her hips. “I knew it would happen, Chase. I guess I should be thankful that you’re still pretending to be my friend.”
Cassie spins on her heel and stomps toward the front porch. I’m immediately out of my car, slamming the door shut. She makes it inside at the same time I reach her. I barely manage to keep from getting a splinter in my face as she tries to slam the door.
“What do you want, Chase?” she yells as she pivots. “You’ve said your piece. You don’t have to apologize—”
“Apologize?” I bark a mirthless laugh. “Is that what you think I’m doing? For what, Cassie? What do I need to apologize for?”
“For screwing me.”
I stop. The breath leaves my lungs as I stare at her. I can’t believe she’d go there. Cassie is a lot of things, but I’ve never known her to pass the blame on to someone else. We were both in that hotel room that night and we’ve both been present and accounted for every time since.
“In case you haven’t noticed,” I tell her, my voice low, “it was a hell of a lot more than a quick fuck for me.”
“Really? I couldn’t tell.”
“No?” I stalk her as she moves backward, both of us stopping when she reaches the wall. “Why? Because I fucked you against the wall? Or was it because I let you ride my dick in the shower? Or because I ate your pussy on your kitchen counter? What about the pool? That makes you think it was nothing but sex.” Another grim laugh rumbles out of me. “Did you need roses and candlelight to make it good for you? Is that what your boy Jonathan was offering?”
I’m at a loss as to what the fuck the issue is. I get it, emotions are high, but this…We’ve never had a falling-out like this before.
“It was just sex,” she snaps, her teeth clashing together.
The words feel like a punch to the gut, but I do my best to hide it. Taking a step back, I continue to watch her.
“You’re right,” I finally say, my voice calmer than I expect it to be. “It was just sex. You’re just another in the long list of women I’ve fucked, Cassie. It meant nothing.”
Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t say anything.
I hate that I’m resorting to bullshit lies in an effort to hurt her the way she hurt me, but this woman has gutted me. I feel raw on the inside and I don’t like it. Not one fucking bit.
“You should go.”
I nod. “You’re right. I should.”
And without looking back, I walk right out the door and right out of Cassie’s life.
Cassie
“Asshole!” I scream at the front door as soon as it closes, hoping Chase hears me.
I have no idea what happened or where things went so very wrong.
Well, I sort of know. It started when I kissed Chase back when we were in Vegas. It continued when I asked him to fuck me. I knew the consequences would be damning. I knew it would ultimately change things between us, because that’s how it works. My mother has proven that time and time again. Sex always fucks up everything.
But I wanted him.
Hell, I still want him.
There’s a pain in my chest that seems to be consuming me. It’s so intense, I simply ease down the wall to the floor as my chest heaves and my hands shake.
I’m not sure how long I sit here, night falling outside the window. It isn’t until there’s a knock on my front door that I lift my head.
>
“Go away!”
“Cassie? It’s me. Natalie.”
“It’s unlocked,” I say with a resigned sigh. I manage to get to my feet before Natalie makes it into the house. I definitely don’t want her to see me falling apart. I don’t deserve her sympathy. Not after all I’ve done.
“Hey,” she says, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Hey.” I turn toward the kitchen. It’s time for wine.
“Are you doing okay?” She’s close behind.
“No.” I’m not going to lie. It’s pointless. “I’m jobless, friendless. I’m definitely not okay.”
I hear the sound of the barstool scraping against tile. “Dramatic much?”
Grabbing two wineglasses and an open bottle of wine, I move back to the island. “Yes,” I state. “I’m being dramatic.” I even say it dramatically.
“Want to talk about it?”
Do I? That’s a good question. I know I need to; otherwise I’m going to lose my mind. I usually talk about stuff like this with Chase, but…
Yeah.
That’s obviously not going to happen.
After pouring the wine and passing one glass over, I take mine and lean against the counter.
“I fucked up.”
One perfectly groomed eyebrow lifts as Natalie takes a sip of her wine.
“But you already know that,” I add.
“Are we talking about work?”
“Yes. No.” I sigh. “Shit, I don’t know.”
“How about we start from the beginning.”
Maybe if I lay it all out there, it will make sense. That, or I’ll realize how stupid it sounds and it won’t matter as much anymore.
Okay.
I take a deep breath.
“I fell in love with Chase.”
“What?” Natalie jerks so hard, she falls off the stool, thankfully landing on her feet.
“I know,” I tell her. “That’s exactly my reaction.”
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