Lily shook her head. “Merrick is a man who wishes to conform. He doesn’t care at all about independence or strength.”
At least, not anymore. She crossed her arms as a coldness crept over her. Once he’d cherished her independent spirit. He’d lauded her bravery. Had he changed so very much...or was it just that she had not changed at all?
Shame and regret had her fidgeting, unable to look her friends in the eyes.
Either way, she supposed it did not matter. What mattered was that things between them now were different. And they would never go back to the way they were before. “Besides, we have nothing in common anymore. We are nothing alike, we want different things. It would be a terrible match.”
Marigold tsked. “Don’t be so sure about that. If there is one thing that I am learning, opposites are drawn to one another. Just look at Daisy and her duke.”
Lily frowned. Daisy certainly was very different from His Grace. He was gruff while her friend was exceedingly kind. “But that’s different. They have an affection for one another.”
Daisy raised her brows. “You don’t care for Lord Merrick?”
Her stomach twisted again. “I do. Very much. But he doesn’t feel the same.”
“That can’t be true.” Marigold stepped closer, taking her friend’s hand. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He does care. Very much.”
Lily drew in a steadying breath. “He’s a childhood friend. Of course, he cares. But not like that. He doesn’t feel the way a man should when he proposes—”
“I don’t think that’s true.” Marigold rarely interrupted anyone and Lily blinked in surprise.
“How do you—”
“I have seen the two of you together, if you will recall. He looks at you with such...longing.” Marigold said, pressing a hand to her cheek. “Like you’re the only woman that ever existed.”
Lily’s brows drew together. “But you didn’t hear him yesterday. He told me that I had no sense. He said that I was impulsive and—”
Marigold held up a hand. “None of that sounds as though he doesn’t have an affection for you. He was angry at you. Is it true that he proposed and you refused him?”
Lily scowled. How could everyone possibly know such a detail already? “Where did you hear that?”
Marigold bit her lip sheepishly and Lily turned her gaze to Daisy, who gave her a rueful wince as she wrung her hands. “I heard that you begged him to save you—” her friend stopped short. “Which, of course, we all know isn’t true.”
“See.” Lily tossed up her hands. “This is what I despise about society. Rumors and ruination due to impossibly high standards.”
She turned away from her friends as Marigold cleared her throat. “You didn’t answer my question about the truth of these rumors.”
Lily’s shoulders hunched. “I know.”
“Are you going to?”
Lily nodded even as she remained with her back to her friends. “He did propose.”
They both gasped in unison.
“And?” Daisy asked. “What did you say?”
Lily swallowed a lump. She’d been so certain she’d made the right decision last night. He didn’t care for her, how could she marry a man she loved knowing that he didn’t return that affection?
She didn’t give a wit about being ruined but Marigold’s words were niggling in the back of her mind, causing tendrils of doubts where she’d been so sure. She did have a tendency to overreact. And he had been angry—not without merit.
“What did you say, Lily?” Marigold touched her back. “You can tell us.”
“I said no.” Lily’s shoulders hunched. “He doesn’t feel about me the way I do about him…”
“And how do you feel?” Marigold asked.
She covered her stomach with her hands. “I love him.” Her heart ached. “And he doesn’t return my affection.”
“You don’t know that.” Daisy came around to her front. “Have you asked him how he feels?”
Lily pressed her lips together even as she shook her head. “I know how he feels. He told me in great detail how irritatingly—”
“Stop.” Daisy placed both hands on Lily’s shoulders. “That is what he thinks. It’s not what he feels.”
Oh. Lily froze as she considered that. It was a rather interesting observation.
“You owe it to yourself to ask,” Marigold added, coming round to face her again. “And you need to listen and not just react.”
Her shoulders sagged as she stared at the rich carpet under her feet. “What if he confirms my worst fears? That he could never love me the way I am?”
“Who couldn’t love you?” Daisy rubbed her arms.
Lily closed her eyes. “Plenty of people. And for good reason. I am...difficult at times.”
Marigold nibbled her lip. “Well, I, for one, don’t like seeing you like this.”
“Me either.” Daisy gave her the tiniest push.
Lily stumbled forward but then dug in her heels. “Why are you pushing me?”
“Because I have it on good authority that Lord Merrick is at the stables right now, and I do not wish for you to miss him because you’re up here dallying,” Daisy said.
Lily gaped at her. “Dallying? I am not dallying, I am…”
Her words trailed off as her friends watched her expectantly, and not without a fair bit of amusement.
She huffed. “This is not a trivial matter—”
“Of course it’s not,” Daisy said quickly.
“I do not know what I even wish to say,” she added.
Marigold patted her arm. “Of course not, dear.”
Lily narrowed her eyes as she moved her gaze between Daisy and Marigold and back again. “Are you two patronizing me?”
“Never!” Marigold exclaimed.
“Of course not,” Daisy added.
“Honestly, Lily,” Marigold said as she wrapped an arm around her waist. “We know that this situation is no laughing matter. It is just...I don’t believe either of us have ever seen you…”
“Hide,” Daisy finished for her when Marigold words came to a stop.
Lily’s lips parted. “I am not hiding.”
Her friends kept quiet, but their silence spoke volumes.
Lily sighed loudly. “Oh very well. Perhaps I am. I’m just not sure...that is, I’ve no idea...or rather, I don’t know how…”
Daisy placed a hand on her arm. “I understand, Lily.”
And looking into her eyes, Lily realized that her friend did indeed understand.
“Falling in love is terrifying, is it not?”
Lily blinked back the sudden urge to weep. She drew in a deep breath and nodded.
It was terrifying. It truly was.
Marigold moved closer to her other side in comfort. “I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you hide from something that scares you, Lily.”
Lily glared at the floor. She wished she could argue. She hated nothing more than being called a coward, but right about now, hiding out here in her room to avoid another confrontation with Merrick...that was exactly what she was.
A coward.
She straightened her shoulders. “I suppose you’re right. I cannot hide in here forever.”
Daisy nodded. “You owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings, Lily. Even if he does not feel the same, you are not the type to keep your feelings hidden.”
Lily nibbled on her lower lip as she thought it through. “I still cannot marry him.” She turned a pleading look to her friends. “Not if he doesn’t love me for who I am.”
“But what if he could?” Marigold offered.
Ever the romantic, Marigold’s expression was bright with hope. “This all came about rather quickly so perhaps he is not ready to declare his love just yet, but that does not mean the two of you could not grow together. Learn how to be what the other needs.”
Lily eyed her friend with a wince. “I don’t know that I could ever be the kind of lady he wants me to be.”
Lily sniffed. “I suppose.”
They stood in silence as Lily made no move to leave. Finally, Marigold spoke up. “So...will you go speak to him?”
Lily wanted to say yes. She meant to say yes. But her feet refused to move. What if he laughed at her when she told him how she felt? Worse, what if he pitied her?
What if he looked at her with the same bitter anger he had last night?
She wasn’t sure she could survive it again.
“If you do not talk to him for your sake, do it for your mother,” Daisy said quietly. “Your decision to refuse him will not just affect you, you know.”
Lily winced. Her friend was right, and she knew it. She’d just been doing her best not to think of how the ensuing scandal would affect her family.
“Do it for your mother, your father, your brother…” Daisy trailed off but Lily heard what she had not said.
Do it for your friends.
She had no doubt these two would remain her loyal friends through thick and thin, but it would not be easy to have a friend who was ruined. Like it or not, her decision of whether or not to marry Merrick would affect everyone she cared about.
But no one more than Merrick himself.
“At the very least, you two ought to talk now that you’ve had some time apart to think reasonably,” Marigold said.
Lily sighed. They were right. Of course they were right. Both of her friends had more sense than she did and right now there was no arguing with them.
“Alright,” she said as she forced her feet to head toward the door. “I will go to him. I will talk to him…” She paused to look back at her friends. “But I cannot promise I will marry him.”
“Will you tell him how you feel?” Marigold asked, her expression so hopeful it almost hurt to look at her.
Lily wished she shared just a smidgen of that optimism. Instead, she had a horrible feeling that she was about to commit the most humiliating gaffe of her life.
“Yes,” she said with a sigh of resignation. “I shall tell him that I love him.”
She reached for the doorknob as her friends cheered her on.
She’d tell him she loved him because she’d vowed long ago that she would not go to her grave a coward.
But she knew better than to hope for miracles.
Chapter Twelve
Merrick eyed his current companion with a weary sigh. “You do realize this is a long shot, don’t you?”
The horse whinnied in response.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
The groom finished his tasks and handed the reins over to Merrick, politely ignoring the fact that he was holding a conversation with an animal.
“Still,” Merrick continued to his new, attentive conversation partner. “It’s worth a shot, right? I can’t think of any other way to show the lady that she won’t be miserable if she marries me.”
He grimaced at hearing the words aloud. I promise you won’t be miserable. What a romantic proposal. Almost as romantic as last night’s words shouted in anger.
He sighed as he ran a hand down the big beast’s neck, soothing it as they both waited.
Griff had assured him that if anyone could convince Lily to come talk to him, it would be her friends.
He hoped Griff was right, but he wasn’t about to place money on it. After all, he knew better than anyone that no one could make Miss Laura Upton do anything she did not wish.
Least of all, marry.
As if the horse could sense his impatience, he too began to shift restlessly in his stall.
“Don’t worry, fella, she’ll be here,” he murmured.
He hoped.
The stallion did not look convinced.
“You think I’m wrong, is that it? I suppose you think I’d be making a fool of myself if—”
“Merrick, are you talking to yourself or this horse?” Lily’s familiar voice had him stilling, his gaze clashing with the horse’s as he allowed himself a moment of triumph.
“See? I told you so,” he murmured. When he turned around, he found himself face to face with a vision.
Well, she had circles under her eyes and her red hair looked worse for the wear, and she was wearing a simple morning gown and...she could not have been more beautiful.
Because she was his Lily.
And she was here.
“Well?” she asked, amusement curving up her lovely lips as she rested a hip against the stall door beside her. If it was not for the sadness that cast a shadow in her eyes, he would have thought she was perfectly at ease. As though last night had never happened. Her gaze flicked over to the horse. “Who were you talking to? Yourself or the mare?”
“It depends,” he said slowly. “Which answer makes me sound more sane?”
A heartbeat passed and then she grinned. His answering smile felt absurdly large. Relief flooded him as the tension eased between them.
He took a step toward her and saw her stiffen, reminding him that nothing had been resolved. But at least she wasn’t crying. And she’d come to meet him. So perhaps all was not lost.
“Lily, I—”
“Merrick, I—”
The both spoke at once and stopped abruptly to observe an awkward silence. He gestured toward her. “You go ahead, please.”
“No, you,” she said quickly.
He cleared his throat and took another step toward her. “I’m glad you came.”
Her brows hitched up and she looked around meaningfully at their solitude. “Well, it’s not as though I have much of a reputation to protect anymore.”
Her tone was teasing, her smile rueful.
Only Lily would joke about being ruined. He drew in a deep breath. “Well, I’m glad all the same because…” He let out a long exhale. “Lily, I’m sorry.”
Her brows drew together. “You’re sorry? I am the one who caused this trouble and—”
“Yes, but I said so many things I didn’t mean,” he interrupted.
She caught her lip between her teeth and his gaze was caught by the movement. He couldn’t look away, and the pretty speech he’d prepared disappeared as his world came down to her lips.
For a moment nothing else mattered, and all he wanted to do was pull her close and kiss her until she agreed to be his bride.
“I’m sorry, too.” Her voice was quiet. Uncharacteristically hesitant. It tugged at something in his chest and had him stepping closer, so close he could touch her.
“I was angry,” he said.
“I know.”
“I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
She shrugged. “You were right, though. Thanks to my rash actions, you were forced to propose to me.”
He bit back a groan. That was how it had sounded—in the moment, it was what he meant. But how to make her see that? “You didn’t force me to do anything,” he said.
She blinked up at him, hope and uncertainty clouding her eyes. “I didn’t?”
“No, I had every intention of asking for your hand in marriage.”
She stumbled back a step. Then two.
He winced at the sight of her scrambling, shock written all across her face.
“Y-you were going to propose?” she asked.
He nodded, following after her as she backpedaled away from him. “I kissed you, Lily. Of course I was going to ask for your hand.”
She blinked again but stopped moving away from him. “Of course you were.”
She did not sound pleased. If anything, she sounded resigned.
“I should not have made it seem as though marrying you was some terrible fate, when it was…” Everything I want. The only thing that would make me happy.
He bit his tongue to staunch the words that he knew would make her flee.
“When it was what I intended,” he finished.
The words felt utterly inadequate.
Her smile looked forced. “You truly have become quite the gentlema
n.”
The words were complimentary, but her smile was sad. And because he knew her, he understood it for the put-down that it was. He’d become quite the gentleman...just like his vain, selfish, shallow brother.
He exhaled loudly. “Look, Lily, I know you think I’ve changed.”
Her brows arched a bit, but her expression wasn’t particularly antagonistic. Just disheartened. Resigned. “Haven’t you?”
“Yes. Yes, I know that I have.” He glanced over at the horse. His last hope. “But not so much as you might think.”
“Really.” It wasn’t so much a question as a statement of disbelief.
“You were right that I've gone too far in trying to please my family. I would have been miserable with Abigail and my family would not have cared. They weren't worried about my happiness.”
Hearing the words come out of his mouth was overwhelmingly disappointing, but it was the truth. And she had been right.
Her gaze filled with sympathy, but beyond that he could not tell if he was getting through to her. If she had any notion what he was trying to say.
He shrugged helplessly. “I don't know if they did not care or if they do not know me well enough to know what would make me happy…” He took a deep breath. “But I know who would make me happy. And that is you.”
Her eyes widened in shock and disbelief. “Merrick, are you—”
“Please,” he said. “Just give me one afternoon to show you that I am not so far gone. That I have not changed so drastically.”
“But—” She gave her head a little shake. “I would always embarrass you. I would cause a scandal. That is not what you want.” She swallowed, her eyes soft and sad. “I am not who you want.”
He tried for a smile but knew it fell short. “I cannot lie to you, Lily. I would rather not face scandal and ridicule. I'd rather create a good name for my family and my children…”
To his horror, her eyes began to fill with tears and he hurried on. “But I also want my future children to have a mother who would fight for their happiness the way you fought for mine. I want a wife who is as loyal as you are to the ones you love.”
“I would disappoint you,” she started, her voice choked with tears. “I would make you resent that—”
A Wallflower's Wish Boxed Set: Three Regency Romances Page 21
