“I do care for you. I have told you how I feel for you.”
“No, no, you have not. You say you need me, say that I’m different, say you don’t want to lose me, but you can’t even say the three words that I so desperately want to hear when I’ve said them to you time and time again. So tell me, Aiden, why can’t you say them?”
There is dead silence for too long. I hit the end button, give the phone back to Anthony, and get out of the car.
“Please, ma’am, let me first check the apartment before you go in.”
“Okay, yes. Please do, and thank you.”
I wait outside while he does a sweep of the apartment. When he comes out he gives me the all clear.
“Thank you. Please tell Aiden to give me the time and space that I need, and let him know that I’ll be fine.”
***
Walking into my apartment, I suddenly get a chill. I’m alone, with no one to protect me if the man who attacked us in the park finds his way here. Looking all around, I don’t know how I am going to get through this night when my heart is telling me that I need Aiden. I need to be in his arms, need to have his lips on me making me feel wanted, loved, and needed. Then I start to laugh. I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t love me and that is why he can’t say it, because he doesn’t feel it. And I can’t take the not knowing or the lies. How did I become so dependent on him so fast? Just thinking of him makes my heart start to beat faster.
I close my eyes and hug myself, falling to the floor and sobbing uncontrollably, barely able to speak. I get the words out as best as I can. “Mom, Dad—help me. Tell me what to do. Erik, can you hear me? Can you just help me one more time? Please, I need you.”
The speakers come on, playing the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol, Erik’s favorite band. He would play it for me when I was down about anything. My head jerks up and I freeze.
“Alexis.” I turn toward the voice and see Aiden standing by the sound system. He is breathing heavy, like he rushed over here at a moment’s notice. He blinks a couple of times. His stance is not the usual strong, confident one, but has a defeated appearance. His eyes are shining and sad.
I am feeling so many things all at the same time: loss and aloneness, pain and emptiness, hurt and betrayal. I jump up and go at him, pounding on his chest with both of my hands.
“Why do you keep on lying to me? Why do you want to hurt me? Can’t you see that I love you? Can’t you see that it is you who is pushing me away by lying to me? And I just can’t take the lies anymore, the way you make me feel like you’re using me for your own sick games. Maybe Chris was right from the beginning. You use people till you’re bored, then throw them aside like they were nothing.”
Aiden grabs both of my hands. “Stop, Alexis. You do not know what you are saying. I am not using you. I have never, not once, used you.”
“No, I won’t believe you again. I can’t. It’s too hard. Let me go,” I scream. “Get out.”
“I am not leaving you here alone like this. Please, Alexis, I need you just as much as you need me.”
Yanking myself free, I glare at him, let out a laugh, and before I can stop myself, slap him again. I am not thinking straight; all I want to do at the moment is hurt him as much as I am hurting. I say the one thing that I know without a doubt will torment him. “I don’t need you, Aiden, not when all you seem to do is keep things from me.”
“Even if you don’t need me, and god I hope that is not true, I do need you. I need you more than my next breath.” I see the tears in his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you. Please, you cannot leave me too.”
“What does that mean? Why do you say everybody leaves you? Tell me. Stop with the lies and the half-truths. Tell me or get out.” Pointing to the door, I make myself as strong as possible. “If you don’t tell me what you mean by that, then get the hell out of here, and out of my life once and for all.”
Seeming nervous, he paces for a minute and then looks at me. “Fine, but please, you have to promise not to leave me. I need you in my life, and if I tell you, I could lose you. That scares the hell out of me, but it seems I will lose you if I do not tell you so I guess either way I am fucked.” He takes a deep breath and again starts pacing the floor, running both hands through his hair. I can see the fear, panic in his eyes. I want to hold him to let him know that I am here no matter what, but I need the answers now. I can’t back down now or I may never get them.
“Aiden, tell me. I promise there is nothing you can say that will make me leave you. The only thing that can make me leave is not being honest with me.”
Finally he stops dead in his tracks. What I see is a man who is hurt, who is scared. A man who is defeated.
“I am not going anywhere, Aiden. I will never leave you. I love you, Aiden Steffan, but you have to be truthful with me.”
Chapter 22
Holding my hand, he walks us over to sit on the couch. He takes a deep breath in, and then releases it. His jaw tightens. I can see him swallow.
He looks down as if searching for the right words to begin. Shakes his head, then takes another breath.
“My parents are not my biological parents, although in my eyes they are my parents in every way that matters. They saved me when I was seven. They have loved me and have taken care of me just like I was their own.”
Aiden seems to have pride in how he speaks of the parents who are not his biological ones. That tone changes to anger when he starts to talk about the ones who gave birth to him.
“My biological parents, who should have loved me, did not. They sold me when I was three years old. They needed the money for drugs. I was nothing to them but another way to get the fix they needed.”
Tears run down his face.
“They didn’t love me enough to stop the drugs so they just sold me. Tell me, how can you do that to a child? To them I was merchandise to sell, and they never looked back. I cried every night and begged the heavens for them to love me enough to come back and save me, but they never did.” He falls to his knees and puts his face in his hands. “Why didn’t they love me? I would have been a good son. Why?”
My heart hurts for him. “Oh, Aiden!” I reach out to touch him, and he puts his hands up.
In an angry voice, he says, “I don’t need you feeling sorry for me or looking at me like that. I already know I’m damaged goods. I already know that I am not worthy of love, not real love anyway. I know that nobody will stay for long. Everybody uses everybody. I know that you will leave me too. I am not good enough for anybody to love me.”
“No, no. Don’t ever say that you aren’t good enough. You are better than good enough.”
I hug him, and this time he is the one who doesn’t want the embrace. I hold him with all the strength I have in me. “Aiden, I am not going to leave you, and you are worthy of love. You are such a good man, the way you want to take care of people…” I say the words as clearly and slowly as I can so he can absorb each one of them. “I love you, Aiden Steffan, and I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving you. I understand if you can’t say any more right now, but I am glad you finally trusted me enough to share what you did. We can work on the rest when you’re ready.” I tilt his chin up so we are looking into each other’s eyes. “I do need you, and I do love you. My whole heart belongs to you, which is why it hurts when you lie to me.”
“Alexis, you want me to trust you. Well, I need you to trust me as well. That night at the fashion event I had no idea Carla would be there.”
“There are several pictures of you together. Both of you smiling while looking at each other.”
“Alexis, I knew other models would be there, but I had no idea who would and would not show up. When she arrived and came to stand by me, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I had no interest in her and there would never be anything between us ever again. Not that there ever was, other than a physical relationship. I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the cameras, so yes, they took pictures of us, but nothing happened. I onl
y ever think of you. I only have eyes for you, and I only want to be with you.”
A sense of calm seems to come over Aiden. As if he has just allowed me into his heart. As if he is relieved at finally letting the truth come out. His whole demeanor changes.
He walks over to the MP3 player and changes the song to “Wonderful Tonight” by Eric Clapton. As the song starts to play, he holds his hand out to me.
“Dance with me.”
We hold each other so that there is no space between us at all; we hold each other as if there is no tomorrow, as if we need one another to be able to breathe. Aiden pulls away and lifts my chin up so I am looking right into his eyes.
“You won’t leave me, Alexis?” It is a simple and short question, but one that I need to answer from the deepest part of my heart and with all the love I feel for him.
“No, I will not ever leave you. I am always going to be here for you, with you, and by you. You have pulled me out of the dark, and I will always want to stay here in the light with you. I love you and I need you as much as you need me, if not more.”
He smiles, and the way his eyes come back to life makes my heart feel better. With the song on repeat we sway to the music, the two of us becoming one. We hum and dance into the morning.
***
The rest of the week goes by without incident. Shannon and I are still staying at Aiden’s. We fall into an everyday routine. On Saturday night we decide to watch a movie and order a pizza, just the three of us.
“Before the pizza comes, there is something that I have for you, Alexis. Shannon, I am sure she will want to take you along, at least I think she will…I mean, why wouldn’t she, right?”
“Aiden!” I pull on his arm. “You’re beginning to sound like Shannon.” We all laugh for a second. “Tell me, please. What did you get for me?”
“Yes, Aiden, tell Alexis and me.”
I love how carefree he looks right now as he enjoys making us wait for the news. We both chant and clap our hands together.
“Tell us, tell us!”
“Okay, well, I know how much you love the band One Republic.”
“Duh,” I say out loud and roll my eyes.
Shannon says, “Only because they’re the most awesome band in the world.”
Aiden holds up his hands. “Do you two mind if I finish?”
“Sorry, Aiden. Yes, please go on.”
“Thank you, Shannon. Well, as we all know they are coming here next week in concert, and yes, even though the tickets have been sold out for months…” Aiden stops talking, just stands there with a grin on his face. We both look at him, waiting for him to go on.
Finally I scream out, “What? Oh, come on. You can’t just say something like that and leave us hanging.”
“Aiden, what is it?” we cry at the same time.
He starts to laugh. “Well, I was able to get two tickets very close to the stage. In fact, they are on the first row, front and center. Plus backstage passes.”
We both are in shock, and for a moment we stand there stunned, our mouths open wide. Then we start to scream and jump up and down. I run into his arms.
“I love you, Aiden. Oh my god, I love them. I love their music.” I glance over at Shannon, who is dancing around and screaming.
“Oh my god, we are going to see One Republic! Oh my god, I can’t believe it, Alexis. I love your boyfriend.”
I kiss him on the lips and whisper in his ear, “You are so getting lucky tonight.”
He looks right into my eyes with the biggest smile and says, “I already am lucky because I have you in my life.”
“But, Aiden, how did you get the tickets? Like you said, they have been sold out for months.”
“Remember the first night you were here, when I got a call and told you that I had to take it?”
“Yes, I remember that. You walked out into the hallway…”
“Well, it was Brandy letting me know that she was able to get them for me. I do have connections in the entertainment business, Alexis, and it was one of those connections that got me the tickets. I just agreed to appear in one of their videos.”
I look at him, then at Shannon, and again back at him before saying, “Oh my god, you’re going to be in one of their videos?”
After a while longer of jumping around and dancing like crazy, we settle down to watch the movie we have picked out for the night.
We outnumbered Aiden two to one on the movie choice.
“Thelma and Louise it is, then.” He chuckles and squeezes my shoulders. “Only for you would I agree to watch this movie.”
There’s a knock on the door. Shannon gets it, then comes back into the theater room with pizza and paper plates. We open our bottles of beer and settle into the oversized plush chairs. I gaze over at the two most important people in my life and smile. My heart does a happy dance and for the first time in a long time I truly feel alive again. Yes, I have good days and bad days too, but for the most part I think the good days will start to outnumber the bad ones. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I also know that these two people will always, now and forever, help me to get through them. Yes, I will always have an empty space in my heart and in my life. I will always miss my mom, my dad, and my brother. I will always wish they were still here with me, but if there is one thing I know it’s that they would want me to be happy. They would want me to make each day count. I can hear my mom’s voice telling me now, “Make it count, Lexie.”
I look up and silently say, “I am happy, Mom.” I didn’t think that would ever happen again, but it has.
When the movie ends we all call it a night. As we get up to head to our rooms, Aiden says, “Before I forget, my brother Johnny is coming to visit me. He will be here at the end of next week, or at the latest in two weeks.”
He doesn’t get a chance to finish when Shannon asks, “How old is he? I mean, will we need to babysit him?”
“Babysit him? No, my brother is twenty-five.”
Shannon gets a sparkle in her eyes and gives me a hopeful look. “Is he married, or does he have a girlfriend?”
Aiden looks amused. “No, Shannon, he is not with anyone that I know of.”
“Is he as good looking as you, Aiden? Does your brother look like you at all?”
I can see the grim, uncomfortable look on his face, and even though he does not let her notice it, I know it bothers him. All she sees is the expression he shows the public. I know differently.
“He is good looking all on his own, Shannon.”
I can almost see the jump in her step as she goes off to her room. Then she peeks out. “I won’t be here in the morning. I forgot something at the apartment that I need for work on Monday, but I won’t be gone long. Be back before you know it. Goodnight!”
There haven’t been any new details in the case or anyone spotted around our apartment. So I figure there’s no harm in letting her go real quick just to pick up one thing.
“Okay, Shannon, just be careful.”
***
The light comes in through the opening of the curtains. I stir and find Aiden watching me with that look that tells me we’re going to be having our morning wake-up sex, which shouldn’t surprise me. The gleam in his eyes shows that he is happy. I smile at him and remember how we only went to sleep a couple of hours ago after the most amazing sex.
By the time we actually go to the kitchen, as I am pouring myself a cup of orange juice I tell him, “Shannon should be back already.” I go up the stairs to check her room. I knock on her door a couple of times with no answer. I slowly open it, but she is nowhere to be found. I check her bathroom and go back downstairs.
“Aiden, she isn’t here yet. I wonder what could be taking her so long.” I dig out my phone from the bag she lent me and call her. It goes to voicemail. “Hey, it’s me. Call me when you get this message.”
The doorbell rings and Ms. Miller comes into the kitchen. “There are a couple of detectives here to see Ms. Alexis.”
My chest
gets tight. Maybe they’ve caught the man who held Chris and me up? We both go to the great room where they are waiting for us. Detective Miller gives me a look that says he has bad news. “Ms. Moore, please sit down.”
Aiden takes hold of my hand as we sit on the couch. I look at the detective with a lump in my throat. “Please tell me that you caught the man who mugged us.”
“Ms. Moore, there is no easy way to say this…”
“No easy way to say what?” I look at Aiden, then back at Detective Miller. “Tell me!” My voice gets higher. “What’s wrong?” I stand. “Wait, I have to call Shannon. She should hear this.”
“Alexis, Ms. Moore, please…you need to sit down.”
“Why? Why do I need to sit down?” I pace back and forth.
Aiden comes and hugs me. “Alexis, please come sit down, baby, please.”
I start to tear up. “Okay, okay, just tell us what’s wrong.”
“Someone broke into your apartment while your roommate was there. The evidence shows they struggled.”
“A struggle?”
“We still don’t know if the person was already there, or if he broke in while she was there.”
“Shannon is fine, right?”
Detective Miller looks down, shakes his head, and looks at Aiden. “Ms. Moore—”
Before he can finish, I jump up. “No! Don’t say it.” My hands cover my face. “Please don’t say she is…” I can’t even say the words. “No, no, no. Please, no!”
I’m shaking and Aiden is holding me up.
“We have our forensics department there right now, and they are investigating every inch of the apartment.”
Out Of The Dark Page 18
