by Linda Ford
She felt him stiffen, then a grin spread over his face and he laughed.
“You can’t blame me for being concerned, can you?” He grinned down at her and again tucked the covers tightly around her, as if to corral her, making it impossible for her to move.
Maybe he was hoping he could make her stop talking, too.
His gaze caught and held hers, and in his deep blue eyes, she read the truth behind his words. He was truly concerned.
She wished it could be because of her and not because of the need to get back to Edendale in time to talk to a man about a ranch.
Rather than face him and the truth in his gaze, she closed her eyes and rested her head on the side of the coach. Today the road seemed less rough. Or had she simply grown used to it? Either way, she was grateful. There’d been only one bump so far this morning and it had been a little one that barely budged her from the bench.
The covers cocooned her in warmth and she let her thoughts drift aimlessly.
Straight to the first time she had seen Nate.
Did he recall the day? Perhaps she’d ask him when they stopped. It would give them something to discuss besides her comfort.
They pulled in at the first way station to change horses. Despite the cold, Louise wanted to get out and stretch her legs. Otherwise, they cramped up something fierce.
It didn’t surprise her that Nate clung to her side, his arm around her shoulders. He likely meant to steady her so she wouldn’t trip and fall. She allowed it because having him close kept her warm.
She would admit no other reason.
“I remember the first time I saw you,” she said.
“Yeah. Guess you were impressed, right?”
She jabbed her elbow in his ribs. “Where’s your humility?”
“Don’t think I had any at fourteen.”
She nodded. “That’s true. You and Gordie were daring each other to see who could jump the widest puddle. You made it across and Gordie ended up with his feet in the mud. What I remember the clearest is you standing there laughing at your poor friend.”
“Guess you thought I was a braggart and a bully.”
What she thought was he was strong and handsome and had the nicest laugh. Not that she’d tell him. “Were you?”
“Sometimes. But only because I envied Gordie having a ma and pa who cared so much for him.”
She’d never realized that. “But you had your ma.”
“And she did her best. I’m not faulting her. But she worked all day at someone else’s house and came home too tired to do anything but sit.” He shrugged. “I missed my pa. Guess I still do.”
She squeezed his arm. “I miss mine, too.”
“But yours is still alive.”
“But he doesn’t care enough to see me or want me with him.” They exchanged infrequent letters. Nothing more.
She and Nate had stopped walking and faced each other. “I begged him to let me come home after Gordie died, but he refused.”
“So I’m second choice?”
She wanted to say that it was no choice, that she’d acted out of pure desperation. But something about the look in his eyes and the tremor in his voice at the mention of his father wouldn’t allow it. Besides, it would not be totally true. “I knew I could count on you.” That was the whole truth. She knew, in the depths of her heart, that once he gave his word, he would keep it, no matter what.
His gaze searched hers, looking for hidden meaning, searching for a revealing clue. She knew the moment he realized she meant what she said. His eyes darkened and held hers like a vise. She wanted to turn away before he saw deeper, saw the things she didn’t want anyone to know, wouldn’t even admit to herself. How afraid she was of the future, how she’d care for a baby on her own. Where they would live. Whether anyone would ever care for her the way she longed to be cared for—in a way that would make them stick through thick and thin, and not walk away when something more convenient came up.
He cupped his leather-clad hand to her cheek. “You honor me with your trust.”
Trust? She hadn’t said she trusted him, only that she knew she could count on him. Of course, she understood how he would see it as the same thing. But in her mind it wasn’t.
She knew she could count on him because he had an obligation to Gordie, to Gordie’s parents and because he’d given his word.
But she didn’t trust him to provide the kind of caring she wanted. He left when things got hard. Not only had she seen it when Gordie’s parents had died, she’d seen it before when he’d walked away from challenges he considered beneath his interest. Like the time Jean Black had told a bothersome boy she was Nate’s girlfriend. It wasn’t true, but she had only wanted someone to make the boy leave her alone. Nate had simply looked at her, told her to stand on her own and then walked away.
Louise had been angry at the time. But now she wondered if she had been unfair in her assessment. Perhaps Jean did need to learn to stand up for herself.
But that wasn’t the only time Nate had expected people to stand on their own and not expect help from him. He had not come for Gordie’s funeral. Had not even sent a message of condolence. Louise figured it was because he couldn’t face another loss in his life. It had been easier for him to stay away than face something difficult.
“Why didn’t you come for Gordie’s funeral?” she asked him now.
His hand remained on her cheek, soft and gentle and warm, but his shoulders sank almost imperceptibly. “I had been sent to move cattle and was gone until fall. That’s when I learned the news. Seemed a little late to do anything. Besides, I planned to visit my ma in a few weeks.”
“Would you have come and spoken to me if I hadn’t run into you at the cemetery?”
It was her turn to look deep into his eyes and see the truth. And his uncertainty.
“I don’t know.” He spoke softly. “I tried so hard to get Gordie to break away from Vic, but I failed over and over.”
Seeing his hurt, she slipped her mittened hand up to his face and cupped his cheek just as he did hers. “He would not listen to anyone when it came to Vic, so don’t blame yourself.”
“Maybe if I’d stayed.”
“You left so you wouldn’t have to witness Gordie’s involvement with Vic?”
“Of course. Why else would I leave?”
She shrugged. She tried to break from his gaze, lest he read her thoughts. “I don’t know. I never did.”
He dropped his hand to his side. “You thought I went because it was easier than staying.”
“Wasn’t it?”
“I couldn’t stand by and watch Gordie getting in deeper and deeper with Vic. I only wish I could have talked you into leaving, too, but when you married Gordie, I understood why you wouldn’t. I hadn’t realized you loved him.”
“He was all I had left.”
“What does that mean?”
But she never got a chance to answer his question. Dutch called them back to the coach. “Let’s go, folks.”
Truthfully, she’d never before been so glad to get back into the stagecoach. It saved her from answering the question. What did her words mean? Her mother was gone. Her father had sent her away. The Porters had died. Nate had left. The words meant she hadn’t loved Gordie as more than a friend, but he was all she’d had left and she hadn’t wanted to lose him.
There was no reason for Nate to know that.
*
Nate settled back with Louise at his side. She closed her eyes and slept. Or maybe only pretended to. What had she meant about marrying Gordie because he was all she had left? She made it sound as if she didn’t love him, but he couldn’t believe that. He’d seen them together and they were the best of friends.
But was that the same as love?
He didn’t know. He was nothing but a cowboy who pretty much stayed to himself. Not that he was unfriendly or that he didn’t enjoy the social gatherings at the ranch. But since Gordie, he’d never been close to anyone else. He knew too well that no
thing lasted—not family, not friends, nothing. Not even marriage.
The miles passed. No one seemed inclined to make conversation, which suited him fine. Except it gave him far too much time to think. By the time they stopped for the night, he had made up his mind to talk to Louise about what she’d meant.
It was easier to plan to talk than to find a place and time for it to happen. The way station was small and not half as inviting as Peace’s had been. The owner had whiskers down to his chest, soiled with chewing tobacco and other things.
Louise drew back as they entered the building, dark and dank with unpleasant odors.
“It’s warm,” Nate said.
She turned to him, her eyes wide. “It’s…awful.” She barely whispered the word.
He couldn’t argue the point, but it was all they had for the night.
The whiskered man went to help Dutch with the horses while Archie and Gabe brought in the buffalo robes.
“For Mrs. Hawkins,” Archie said.
Miss Rolfe looked ready to cry. “I wish I’d stayed with Peace.”
No one corrected her. Likely they all wished the same thing.
None of them sat on the benches beside the greasy-looking table.
Dutch returned with the whiskered man at his heels. “Folks, this is Moses. He’s our host for the night.”
Dutch seemed comfortable with the accommodations, but clearly Louise was not. When Nate led her toward the table, she balked.
“I’d like to go for a walk, if that’s okay.”
Nate didn’t know who she meant to ask permission from.
Dutch poured a cup of coffee from the blackened pot. The liquid was so thick it glugged from the spout.
Nate decided then and there he would not be drinking coffee.
Dutch sucked back some of the coffee and grimaced. “It’s cold out there, but if you don’t mind, I see no reason not to stretch your legs.”
Louise didn’t even wait for Nate; she walked out. He hurried after her.
She didn’t stop until she reached the corral fence and leaned over it, gasping for air.
“Are you okay?” he asked, even though he knew what her answer would be. Maybe someday she’d change her answer.
“I’ll be fine.”
He smiled to himself. She’d varied her reply slightly.
His smile disappeared. “You aren’t going to be sick, are you?”
She spun on him. “Of course not. What do you take me for? I can handle whatever this journey requires.”
“Yes, ma’am. Of course you can.”
“I just hope there aren’t fleas.” She made no indication that she might want to walk and he was content to stand near the barn, sheltered from the wind.
He reasoned that this was the opportunity he’d been waiting for and returned to their earlier conversation. “You didn’t get a chance to answer my question before.”
“Really? What question was that?”
He laughed, knowing she knew full well. “I wanted to know what you meant when you said Gordie was all you had left. Seems you gave it as the reason for marrying him.”
She looked past him. “I always thought my mother had died. But Aunt Bea told me the truth. She’d left Pa and me. Only later did she die.”
“I’m sorry.” He lifted his hand, intending to pull her close, but the brittleness in her expression made him reconsider.
“Like I said, my pa didn’t have time for me. Taking care of me interfered with looking for gold.”
Nate thought the man might have something to answer for in putting his own pursuits ahead of his daughter’s needs. Besides, if he’d but looked, he would have found the gold right before him—a daughter who longed for love and had so much of it to give. He couldn’t say how he knew that but he did.
Louise continued, still staring into the distance. Slowly her gaze came to his. “Like you, I found a family who cared when I discovered the Porters. And then they were killed.”
Knowing they shared the same sorrowful loss, he pressed his hand to her shoulder.
“Then you left. There was only Gordie, Missy and I. I did what I thought would keep us together.” Again her gaze drifted away. “Then Gordie died. What does a person do when there’s nothing left?” The final words were harsh.
He placed both hands on her shoulders, his fingers clasped behind her neck. He wanted to point out she had him, the baby and Missy, but he understood the depths of her despair. He’d felt it, too, and decided to leave it behind. “You move on. That’s all you can do. Make new plans. Seek a better future.”
Her gaze bored into his. “That’s what you do. I only want something to stay the same. No, that’s not even what I want. I wish people could care enough to stay.”
It was a pointed accusation. But he hadn’t promised to stay. Only to get her safely to Eden Valley Ranch. That’s all she’d asked. Surely it was all she wanted from him.
If she asked for more, would you agree?
He wanted to ignore the niggling voice in his head that asked that question but he couldn’t.
He thought of the land he meant to buy, the work that would require him to be busy every daylight hour and more for more days than he cared to consider. He’d be gone from home much of the time. And as he’d told her, the cabin was far from adequate for a woman and baby.
He couldn’t offer her what she wanted, even if she asked.
“Someday, Louise, you will find that kind of love.”
She jerked from his grasp. “There’s no way you can promise that.”
There was one way…if he was the one to love her and be at her side. Just as he’d vowed before the preacher.
But was that something he could promise?
Chapter Nine
Louise had had enough of fresh air and exercise, even though she’d walked no farther than the corrals. Why had she told Nate she wanted someone to stay? And why had he said she’d find that kind of love? What a cruel promise. Yet it was one she wished would come true.
With someone like Nate?
She knew it wasn’t possible. He meant to move on, make a fresh start, plan a new future. As he’d said, he put the past behind him and looked to the future. She wished she could do the same. It sounded so easy when he said it. But she seemed chained by the past—unfulfilled wishes and dreams, lost relationships and a deep ache that would not let her go.
Even though she hated to step inside the tiny cabin, rank with a thousand unpleasant odors, she had little choice and sucked in her last breath of fresh air before she crossed the threshold.
Missy and Rowena both wore pinched expressions. The two Adams men looked uncomfortable. Even Sam looked as if he’d prefer to be somewhere else. It wouldn’t have surprised Louise if he insisted on sleeping in the barn, with some excuse about watching the animals.
Louise crossed the narrow space from door to table and sat beside Missy. Nate crowded in beside her.
Moses placed a big pot in the middle of the table and handed around tin bowls. “Supper time. Help yerselves.”
Louise wasn’t about to be the first to test the contents.
Dutch seemed to have no problem with the food and dished himself up a generous helping.
The smell was enticing despite the dirty surroundings.
“What is it?” Mr. Adams asked.
“Potage,” Dutch said, then seeing the confusion on Mr. Adams’s face, added, “French-Canadian habitant pea soup. Try some.” He reached for Mr. Adams’s bowl and filled it to the brim. One by one, he filled the other bowls. “Dig in.”
Louise noticed there was no praying for the food here, though Moses crossed himself before he ate.
Louise drew in a deep breath to still her stomach and gingerly tested the soup. The second taste was much more generous. “This is extremely good.”
Moses smiled. At least she thought he did. It was hard to tell through all the whiskers.
The others added their approval. After that, the group relaxed. A man who made food
like that couldn’t possibly be too bad.
That night, they slept on the floor again, the women in one corner, the men in the opposite one. Under a scratchy blanket, Louise curled up on the buffalo hides the men had brought in for her. She’d spread the furs enough to allow Missy and Rowena to share them, and the three women huddled together for warmth. She waited until the lamp was out and quiet settled over the room to look for Nate. He was barely six feet away, close enough that if she needed anything, she had only to whisper his name. The thought comforted her. She sighed and slept.
The next morning, the men slipped outside to allow the women privacy. They hurried back inside shivering.
“It’s awfully cold,” the elder Mr. Adams said.
“Dutch is hitching up the horses,” Nate explained when he saw Louise watching for the man to enter. “We better eat as quickly as we can.”
“I have biscuits and syrup,” Moses said, and he set the food before them.
Louise had barely swallowed the last of her food when Dutch returned. “I don’t like the looks of the weather. Best we get moving.”
He waited at the door.
Louise got to her feet, as did the others. They grabbed up their belongings and hurried outside.
Today, Louise welcomed Nate’s attention as he tucked the robe around her, pulling the top over her shoulders.
“Are you warm enough?”
She smiled into his eyes. “I’ll be fine.” There wasn’t anything to be done about the cold but stay under the covers and pray it didn’t get worse. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “What if—” She couldn’t voice the many what-ifs troubling her thoughts. What if it snowed? What if an axle broke and they were stranded without shelter? What if the baby decided to make this the day?
He brushed his gloved hand along her jaw. “Don’t worry. Dutch is a good driver.”
She nodded. If it wouldn’t make her sound weak and needy, she would confess her other fears, knowing Nate would say something to ease them.
