My phone rang in my handbag in the living room. I jumped up from the table and sprinted to silence it before it woke Mama up.
“Yes?” I asked, answering it after I didn’t recognize the number.
“I was hoping you would still be up,” a deep voice said on the other end of the line. My body ran cold.
“Drake? Where did you get my number?”
“Mouse had it on file.”
I closed my eyes. Son of a bitch.
“What do you want?” I asked. I was irritated. I was flustered. I hadn’t been expecting a call, I hadn’t thought he would be able to reach me.
“I want to talk to you. It’s been too long, Joanna.”
“And who’s fault is that?” I asked.
“I know,” he said. “And I wish I could go back and change the way things were, Joanna.”
I closed my eyes. I wanted him to stop saying my name. It sounded good when he pronounce it and I hated that I felt that way. I hated that there was still something left inside me, a small part that yearned for him to care. Of course, all he would want from me now, was sex, just like before.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I said. “Don’t call me again.”
I hung up and threw the phone on the couch. My eyes were burning with held back tears. I swallowed down a lump in my throat. I was not going to cry over this man. Not again.
Why was he doing this to me? Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone and let me live my life in peace? It had taken me a long time to accept what he’d done to me. Why did he have to bring all that back?
***
A good night’s sleep and a lot on my plate the next few days at work distracted me enough from the emotional strain Drake had brought back into my life. I could fetch my car two days later without having to pay a cent. I didn’t have to take a taxi or a bus into town and I was early every morning for the remainder of the week. I learned a lot as Sonya’s assistant. It would be a while before I worked myself up to the top, but I was on my way.
Friday afternoon Sonya came into the office looking sour.
I didn’t dare ask what’s wrong, not yet. I didn’t know her very well and as far as I could see she was on the warpath often.
“Joanna, I have some things to take care of. You can go.”
I blinked at her. I’d been working on a file she’d asked me to go through.
“What?”
She looked at me, irritated. “This type of thing doesn’t happen a lot around here, so when I tell you to leave, you jump at the opportunity. Go home.”
I nodded. I didn’t need her to tell me twice. I’d been working overtime every day for the past week. Monday’s shift until ten o’clock hadn’t been because I’d missed the morning, it was apparently a standard around here.
“Thank you,” I said, packing up my things. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
I left without further questions. It was still early – the sun was only inching closer to the horizon now – and it was a beautiful day.
When I arrived home, no one was in. Lydia and Mama were still at work. Cindy probably had some school thing. I unlocked the front door and walked inside. It was strange having the whole house to myself. It hadn’t been so in a while.
I walked the room I shared with Lydia and pulled my clothes off, getting into slacks and a tank top. I let my hair loose and hung up the blazer I’d been wearing. The rest of the clothes I put in the washing machine along with more clothes. Someone had to do it and I hadn’t been able to help around the house lately.
In the kitchen, I made food and sat down on the couch. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back.
A banging on the front door snapped me out of a light sleep. I must have dozed off. My sandwich was untouched on a plate next to me on the couch. The banging on the door persisted and I got up. When I opened it, Drake stood in front of me.
My blood ran cold. I looked like shit – my clothes were as close to pajamas as they could get – and Drake looked put together in that rugged way as always.
“Did you get my address from Mouse, too?” I asked.
Drake flashed me a lopsided grin that made me feel equally unbalanced.
“It’s not like I forgot where you lived,” he said.
We’d stayed in this house since I was a little girl. Of course, Drake had known where to find me. I had been sarcastic with my question.
“What do you want?” I asked. I didn’t have the energy to deal with Drake. I didn’t want him to ruin the one afternoon I had to myself.
“I had to see you again,” Drake said. “You know the effect you have on me.”
His eyes traveled slowly down my body and I could almost feel his gaze like a physical touch. Something familiar woke up deep in my core. I shoved it away.
“Yeah, I’m aware what happens when you get like this,” I said stiffly. “How many other girls have found that out, too?”
Drake frowned. “Come on, Joanna, don’t be like this. You know you’re the only girl for me.”
He’d said those same words to me over and over when we were younger; when I still saw my future in his eyes.
“Don’t do that,” I said but I didn’t sound as assertive as I’d meant to. My voice was breathy and I was starting to melt. Dammit, this man still had the magic that reeled me in. Drake stepped closer to me, taking a step into the house. I shook my head, backing up. He got closer and closer, so close I could smell a hint of his cologne. Drake lifted his hands, cupped my cheeks, and kissed me.
I froze against his lips. For a moment, the world stopped and we were teenagers again, making out behind the bleachers. Everything rushed back to me – the way he made me feel like a princess… and the way he made me feel like rubbish.
I yanked back, breaking the kiss, and slapped him.
Drake’s eyes were wide, surprise riddling his face. We were both breathing hard. Neither of us could believe what I’d just done. My body was reeling. I wanted Drake. I wanted him the way I’d wanted him back then. So, help me, I wasn’t over him at all.
I was the one that made the move. I stepped forward, pushing my body against his and kissed him. Hard. Our lips mashed together. I pushed my hands into his messy hair and closed my fists, holding onto him like he would disappear into thin air.
My urgency was contagious. Drake reacted almost immediately, like he felt it, too. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling my body against his so hard it was like he was trying to consume me. I felt his erection through his leather pants, pressing against my hip bone. We stumbled toward the couch and collapsed on it in a tangle of limbs. Drake pushed his hands under my tank top and shifted his body a little so there was space to pull off my top. He inched it up my waist bit by bit, his big hands on my bare skin.
This was it. This was the way it used to be.
Chapter 4
I got lost in Drake the way I had before. His body was taut and muscular, hard in the right places but still, he handled me like I was delicate. His hands traveled over my body, exploring, touching remembering, and every part of me he touched came back to life again. I arched my back and writhed beneath his body.
My tank top was already above my breasts, exposing my bra. My chest rose and fell faster and faster as his eyes roamed my body. He was sitting up, now, straddling me and he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I had never felt self-conscious around him.
Drake slid his arms around my waist and I automatically arched my back, letting him reach for the clasp of my bra. He pulled it away from my body and fiddled. Somewhere at the back of my mind, a small voice reminded me of everything Drake had done to me. Once my bra was off and it was skin against the skin it would be too late to turn back. You could stop sex until that moment.
And I had to stop this before it all happened again.
“Drake,” I said. My voice was breathy, hoarse, almost a whisper.
“Yeah, baby,” he said. He didn’t stop. His lips were on my neck, nibbling and kissing th
e skin.
“Drake, stop.”
He froze. He didn’t move, but he didn’t carry on, either.
“Please,” I added. “I can’t do this.”
Drake let go of my bra and it snapped on the skin of my back. I wriggled out from underneath him and pulled my top down, making myself decent again. I was worked up and panting. I wanted Drake so badly it ached. But if I did this again he would be able to ruin me again. I had barely survived the first round.
“Why?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Because I can’t keep doing this with you. I can’t give myself to you again only for you to leave.”
Drake sat back on the couch. He was still fully dressed. It had been all about my body, hadn’t it? God, nothing had changed.
“So, you’re telling me you don’t want this?”
I shook my head. “No. I do want it. I want it so much it’s dangerous. I just can’t do it again.”
Drake frowned and turned to face forward, his shoulder to me, now. He was slowly shutting me out.
“I don’t understand,” he said.
I sighed and rubbed my hands down my face. Of course, he wouldn’t understand. Why would he if he didn’t care?
“That’s exactly why I can’t do this,” I said.
“Because I don’t understand?” He looked at me, confused.
I rolled my eyes. I hated this. I was frustrated. I was angry. And somewhere below that lay my age-old resentment.
“Because this isn’t about anything other than sex.”
Drake looked at me, his expression unreadable.
“Well, I thought that was where we were going with this.”
I could scream. He was so damn irritating.
“Yes, Drake,” I said and I was aware of how cold I sounded. “And then you would walk out of the door again and I wouldn’t see you for another ten years because you got what you wanted.”
He frowned. “That’s not how it was,” he said.
“You keep saying that. Tell me that it’s not what you came here for, today.”
He opened his mouth and closed it again without saying anything. It was because I was right. He couldn’t deny that it was about sex.
“You see?”
It was a small victory. This time, I had the upper hand. I was denying him before he could deny me.
Drake shook his head again. He did a lot of that today.
“That’s not all it was about,” he said. “Not then, and not now.”
I pursed my lips, raised my eyebrows.
“Really?” I sounded sarcastic rather than curious.
Drake sighed and scratched the back of his head like he didn’t know where to find words or what to say.
“I can’t stay away from you,” he said. “When I saw you the other day… I just had to see you again. I can’t just stay away.”
“That didn’t seem to hard the first time,” I said.
Drake winced like it hurt.
“It’s not how it was,” he said.
“You keep saying that!” I said, my voice rising. “That’s not enough for me, Drake. You left me after you got what you wanted and I had to figure out how to put myself back together. You let me believe you loved me.”
“I did!” he cried out.
“Then why did you leave, huh? Why did you run away and leave me behind when we’d said we would do it together?”
Drake looked at his hands. I couldn’t read his expression. He looked like I’d cornered him. But that would mean that he had a heart and he’d proved to me a long time ago that it wasn’t the way things worked with him.
“I left because I had to,” he said.
I snorted. “Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.”
Drake was getting angry. I knew I was attacking him. I was pushing him to give me an answer, a reason why he’d abandoned me. Years of pent up anger were starting to leak out, now, and I couldn’t help it.
“I loved you,” Drake said. “I loved you so much it scared me. I’m not…” he took a deep breath and blew it out with a shudder. “I wasn’t the kind of guy you deserved. I was full of shit and going nowhere. And I loved you and I didn’t want to be the one to ruin you. What I felt for you – what I could do to your future because of it – scared me.”
“So, you left?” It didn’t make sense. “You left because you loved me?”
Drake nodded slowly. I blinked at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Why wouldn’t he talk to me about it, though? Why wouldn’t he have told me that? And what was he doing back here now, then, trying to get into my pants again if it was about who I was and not what I looked like?
“Come with me,” Drake said.
“What?” He was changing topics on me and it was too fast and too serious for me to keep up. “Where?”
“Anywhere. Away. I want to travel – leave this place behind and find a new place to build a life. Let’s do what we said we would do. Together. Let me prove it to you.”
I stared at him. He wanted me to get up and leave everything behind? My new job, my Mama and my sisters? And for what?
“Why would I do that?” I asked.
“Because I thought I would be able to forget about you, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you again on Monday, with that godforsaken car smoking in the middle of the road, I realized I couldn’t live without you, either. It had all been a big lie, me convincing myself it was for the best.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t play this game. Drake was offering me something that could break me forever – hope. He was willing to let me hope that some of this was true, that there was still something I could hold onto. And if he took that away, too? What would become of me?
“Get out,” I said. My voice was calm, level. It was a miracle considering the storm that raged inside me.
“What?” He sounded genuinely shocked.
“Get out of my house. Out of my life,” I said again. I had to be strong if I wanted to save myself.
Drake hesitated like he wasn’t sure I was being serious. I clenched my jaw and glared at him. I didn’t speak – I would cry if I opened my mouth. Drake seemed to get the picture, though. He slowly got up.
“Joanna,” he started.
“I need you to leave,” I said.
I walked to the door and opened it for him. The quicker he left the better. Drake nodded solemnly and walked away from me, stepping through the front door. The day was starting to color with the shades of sunset, oranges and reds bleeding into the sky. The scenery was beautiful but I didn’t pay any attention to it at all. I watched Drake’s broad back as he walked away from me to his ridiculous bike. He got on, switched on the engine and turned around.
Turn around, turn around, I willed him. I wanted him to look at me just one last time.
He didn’t. He opened the throttle and his bike roared, whipping him into the pending night. I wouldn’t ever see him again.
And this time, it was all my fault.
I couldn’t hold it all back any longer. Tears rolled over my cheeks. I turned back to the house and closed the door behind me. I leaned against it and sank to the floor, clutching my stomach.
I cried. I cried for the man I’d lost. I cried for the man I’d never had.
I didn’t know how long I sat against the door, crying. Slowly, my tears dried up and an emptiness swallowed me whole. The house got darker and darker as the day bled away. I didn’t get up to switch on any lights. I didn’t get supper ready. I sat there in the increasing darkness feeling like it resembled my life.
When I heard Mama’s keys in the door I snapped back to reality and scrambled away from the door before it opened. Mama reached for the switch and the room flooded with light. She jumped when she saw me.
“Joanna, you’re home early,” she said, clutching her chest. She frowned, taking in my tearstained face. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
I shook my head. I wanted to say something but my words caught in my throat and inst
ead of being a big girl and telling Mama what had upset me so much, I started crying again. So much for growing up.
Mama put her bag down on the floor and took my hand, leading me to the couch.
“Is it that boy?” she asked.
I nodded.
“I thought so,” she said. “The last time you looked like this it was his fault, too.”
She sighed and rubbed my back. I sat next to Mama and thought about Drake. His words echoed in my mind.
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