Shadows of the Past

by Balik, Shea

  Despair had taken him fully in its grasp when he felt it. His eyes flew open to find his mate kissing him. Shocked that Kassian would want anything to do with him, Hudson picked his mate up and set him on his feet. Surging off the couch, Hudson started pacing.

  His fingers combed through his short hair as he tried to digest what was happening. But none of it made any sense. Finally, he turned and faced his mate. “Don’t you get it?” he yelled. “I’m a cold blooded killer.”

  Tears that matched his own tumbled down Kassian’s cheeks and Hudson felt like a heel for causing his mate to cry. But he also knew he had to make Kassian understand the ruthless man that he was.

  But before he could say anything else, his mate said, “I understand that you had a hard decision to make. Sure, maybe you should have refused, but you also might have died for doing so.” Kassian shook his head. “And you living is not something I will let you apologize for. Without you, my life would have remained a living hell. Selfishly, I’m glad you chose to survive.”

  Hudson didn’t even want to think of his mate having to keep reliving the hell of that day. As it was, he could still see the shadows of the past cloud those pretty gray eyes way too often. Kassian was doing better, but he was a long way from dealing with what happened.

  Maybe it was that simple. Hudson was alive to save Kassian.

  CHAPTER 14

  “Come on,” Kassian finally said after they’d been standing there staring at one another for the last five minutes. He was tired of crying. Hell, he was sick of it.

  Fear and tears were all Kassian had really known since he was nine. It wasn’t until Hudson had come along that he’d learned to find some happiness again. He knew the past hadn’t released its grip of him completely, but things were better. He discovered reasons to laugh every day and he smiled even more.

  All of that was because of his mate. Now it was his turn to return the favor.

  Hudson frowned. “Where are we going?”

  Kassian gave him a big grin. “We’re going to make snow angels.”

  They had already built snowmen, had snowball fights and Hudson had even taken him on a snowmobile ride. He hadn’t even known those things existed but he had to admit holding onto his mate as they raced across the fields had been fun.

  But Kassian had remembered making snow angels with his sister when they were younger. And he wanted to share some of the good times of his past with his mate. “I promise it will be fun.”

  He took Hudson’s hand in his and headed for the coat rack next to the door. After putting on boots, coats, hats and gloves they trudged out into the snow. They walked for a bit before they were able to find a patch of undisturbed snow.

  Turning around, he spread his arms out and let himself fall backward onto the powdery ground. A giggle burst from him as he swung his arms and legs to make the angel. “Come on,” he said to his mate who was smiling down at him. “Your turn.”

  Repeating Kassian’s movements, Hudson landed on his back with a slight grunt, but then moved his arms and legs to make his own angel. They turned their heads to look at each other and laughed. “I told you this was fun.”

  Hudson’s smile was brighter. “And you were right, my little bunny.”

  Feeling quite satisfied with himself, Kassian sat up and carefully got to his feet to look back at the angel he’d made. It was beautiful, but not nearly as breathtaking as his mate was smiling up at him.

  Happy, Kassian bent down and quickly made a snowball, nailing Hudson in the face before taking off around one of the smaller barns that had held some of the equipment his father used for the cattle. For an hour they played, alternating between throwing snowballs, kissing and chasing each other.

  For a little while, they both were able to just be in the moment and not worry about the demons that haunted them. Although, for Kassian, at least, he was finding the more he spoke to his mate about his past, both the good and the bad, the less of a hold those demons had on him. He just prayed he could do the same for Hudson.

  “Come on, little bunny. It’s pretty cold out here. Let’s go inside, see what Jari brought us for lunch and sit by the fire.” Hudson put his arm around Kassian’s shoulders and pulled him close to his side as he led the way to the house.

  Jari had made them soup, which was perfect considering how cold they were. It was chicken noodle with a ton of yummy veggies for Kassian. After they’d eaten and cleaned up, Hudson put a few more logs on the fire and they sat on the couch cuddling.

  It was a perfect afternoon. Low key, which after the morning they’d had, was exactly what they had needed. This time when they’d talked, they kept it light. Everything between their own antics as kids, to those of Hudson’s friends. The more Kassian heard about them, the more he was sure he would like them.

  With temperatures plummeting every night, Jari had fixed them a post roast for dinner, again adding a ton of vegetable for Kassian’s benefit. For dessert Harper had made them a chocolate cake and sent a bottle of champagne to toast the New Year.

  It was nearing midnight and Kassian was doing his best to find the courage to ask Hudson to consummate their mating. He loved that Hudson had given him time, but kissing, or what Hudson called, “making out,” just wasn’t enough any longer.

  Well, that wasn’t true. Kassian would happily kiss Hudson for the rest of his life, but he also wanted more. He wasn’t entirely sure how things worked since at the time he had purchased book on the subject of sex, it was all about heterosexual sex. He was sure there had to be another way for two guys. Right?

  He was getting himself all confused and uptight, something that wouldn’t help if he was ever going to find the nerve to ask for what he wanted.

  Hudson lifted his head from the erotic kiss they were sharing, concern filling his eyes. “Hey. Are you okay? You seem…distracted.”

  Kassian just couldn’t take it any longer. Before he knew what he was doing he’d opened his mouth. “I want to have sex with you but I don’t know how two men have sex. I mean, I don’t have a vagina so those stupid books I bought didn’t teach me a damn thing. Well, they did, because at the time I didn’t understand why it only took a stiff wind to get my dick hard.”

  He was rambling but as hard as he tried to stop himself, Kassian kept going. “Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to find out it was natural and that there wasn’t something wrong with my penis. I mean, I lived out here in the middle of nowhere. I didn’t even know any doctors if it was broken or something.”

  He saw Hudson curl his lips in and he was pretty sure he was biting them as hard as he could to stop from laughing. Did that make Kassian stop? Hell no. He just kept right on babbling like an idiot. “But as much as it helped me know there wasn’t something wrong with my dick, it even taught me about masturbation, which I have to say was an eye opening experience.”

  Lips crashed down on his, stealing whatever words were starting to come out of his mouth and finally stopping Kassian’s tirade about those stupid books. He moaned as Hudson’s tongue delved into his mouth, sliding along his own as they tangled together.

  God he loved this man’s ability to kiss. It was like a magic act that had Kassian’s entire being floating in sheer pleasure.

  He started to complain when Hudson’s lips left his, but when he felt them leave a trail along his jaw and down his neck, Kassian tilted his head back further to give him more room. His hands gripped Hudson’s shoulders as he felt teeth nip at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. A shiver of desire raced down his spine straight to his prick.

  “Are you sure about this, little bunny?” Hudson’s voice had dropped a full octave. If Kassian wasn’t careful he’d find himself orgasming in the next few seconds.

  This may not be the same as the books explained about heterosexual sex, but he was fairly certain it would be way too soon. “Yes,” he said on a moan as his mate licked and nipped his was back up his neck to his ear.

  “Because once I claim you as mine, there is no going ba
ck.” He was sure Hudson was trying to warn him, but to Kassian it sounded like he was offering heaven.

  There could be nothing better than to belong to this man whom he had fallen in love with. His eyes flew open and his body went still.

  Hudson lifted his head, those blue eyes staring down at him. “Do you want me to stop, Kassian?”

  He shook his head. “God, no. I just wanted you to know I love you.”

  This time it was Hudson whose body shuddered. In less time than it took Kassian to blink, Hudson stood up and lifted him into his arms and headed for the stairs. Long strides took the steps two at a time, not stopping until they were in Kassian’s bedroom next to the bed.

  When Hudson set him back on his feet, one hand came up to cup Kassian’s cheek. Firm lips took his in another breath stealing kiss that had Kassian’s toes curling as those sparks they always created raced through his body.

  Slowly, the kiss came to an end but Hudson left their lips barely touching as he gazed right into Kassian until he was sure his mate could see his very soul.

  “I love you too, my mate. With all my heart.” The sincerity in Hudson’s voice touched Kassian deeply.

  Their kiss resumed and Kassian felt his knees give at the sheer intensity behind the act. Fortunately, Hudson caught him, lifting him into his arms once more before lowering both of them to the bed.

  CHAPTER 15

  Nothing in Hudson’s life could ever compare to having Kassian in his arms, kissing him, loving him. What made it even better was that he got to spend the rest of his life loving this amazing man. He couldn’t have asked for a better mate.

  The way Kassian let him take over the kiss, yet still participated fully amped up his libido. The little noises his mate made had Hudson struggling to control his need to rip off their clothes and drive into Kassian’s body as deep as possible.

  Oh, he’d get there, but there was no way he was going to hurt his little bunny. He needed to take this slow.

  He scraped his canines, which had lowered in preparation for marking his mate, along the corded muscles of Kassian’s neck. That lithe body bowed up off the mattress, pushing against Hudson’s. Then little mewls that sounded like a mix between frustration and desire came out of that lush mouth and all Hudson’s control snapped.

  He wouldn’t hurt Kassian, but there was no reason he couldn’t speed things up. He extended his claws and shredded the material that was hiding his mate’s luscious body from him. His mind shorted out at the sight.

  Miles of alabaster skin was spread out before him like an angel come to earth to save him. In a way, that is exactly what Kassian had done, too. Hudson no longer felt alone in the cold.

  His mouth watered as he tore his mate’s pants off next. Kassian’s long thin cock slapped against that flat abdomen as it was freed from its confines. A drop of fluid leaked from the tip as if begging for attention. Something Hudson would gladly provide.

  Leaning down, he lapped at the slit, gathering up first one bead, then another as Kassian started writhing beneath him. The sweet slightly salty taste of his mate was like ambrosia and he couldn’t wait for more, but as much he would love to make his mate come in his mouth, Hudson’s need to claim Kassian overrode everything else.

  Thankfully, Jari had the forethought to stick some lube in the bags when he’d sent them food that first day, or Hudson would be woefully unprepared. He licked and kissed his way up Kassian’s body and reached into the bedside drawer to pull out the lube.

  Popping the cap, he quickly poured some onto his fingers. His mouth captured Kassian’s mouth as he reached down below his mate’s balls not stopping until he came to his mate’s puckered entrance. His fingers massaged the muscles guarding his channel until he felt them loosen up, then slid one digit inside the tightest fucking heat he’d ever known.

  Hudson’s eyes rolled back in his head as his cock throbbed with need to be the one inside his mate instead of his fingers.

  Lush lips ripped from his own as huge gray eyes stared at him in a mix of passion and disbelief. “Please tell me you aren’t planning on sticking that huge penis where you just stuck your finger, because, I gotta tell you, it’s never going to fit.”

  Caught off guard, Hudson started laughing. He couldn’t help it. The look of irritation on his mate’s face said he didn’t appreciate being made fun of, but it was too late. When Kassian tried to squirm out from underneath him, Hudson sobered up immediately.

  “Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just, all I could think about was…” Shit, he probably shouldn’t just blurt out that he’d wanted to bury his dick exactly where Kassian had mentioned. “I’m sorry,” he started again. “I forgot, downstairs, you had asked how men had sex. I never answered, but yes, this is how men have sex.”

  Kassian frowned and fear started to creep into his eyes at the thought. He opened his mouth but Hudson placed a finger over his lips to stop him. “I know you think I won’t fit and I admit, if I tried to do it without preparing you, it would hurt, a lot. But that’s why I’m doing this.”

  Hudson wiggled his finger inside Kassian’s channel. The movement had him brushing against his mate’s sweet spot and Kassian groaned and pushed down, driving Hudson further inside of him.

  “See, my little bunny. It feels good. When I’m done stretching you for my cock, it will feel even better, I promise.” Hudson sure as hell prayed he didn’t live to regret his words as Kassian was starting to drive him out of his mind by fucking himself on his finger.

  When he heard his mate’s whimper as if wanting more, Hudson added a second digit. “See?” he crooned.

  Kassian’s eyes were closed, his head thrown back against his pillow, his mouth open as he continued to make the most sinful sounds. Damn, but his mate was the most beautiful person in the world. How had Hudson gotten so lucky?

  The brief bout of laughter had helped Hudson get control of himself again. Now he was able to concentrate on driving his mate out of his ever loving mind. He started by nipping along the corded muscles of Kassian’s neck, making sure to scrape along the spot he planned on marking.

  Smiling when he felt that thin body bucking underneath him, Hudson quickly added a third finger just as he sucked one of his pale rose nipples into his mouth. Hands threaded through his hair, drawing him closer even as Kassian arched up into his touch.

  He moved on to the other nipple, nipping the hard little nub before sucking it into his mouth. Kassian’s leaking cock left wet spots on Hudson’s shirt. He couldn’t explain why, but it turned Hudson on that he was still fully clothed while his mate was completely naked and writhing beneath him.

  Not that he planned to keep it that way for long. He wanted to make love to his mate, not just fuck him. This was their mating and it was too important not to share himself completely with Kassian.

  With one hand too busy to help, he extended his claws on his free hand and went to work tearing his clothes from his body. By the time he was done, fluid was streaming from Kassian’s dick as he moved up and down on Hudson’s fingers.

  The sweet moans and grunts coming from his mate as well as the way his dick was throbbing, was enough to let Hudson know his mate was close. More importantly, he was ready.

  Tugging his fingers free of his mate’s heat, he wiped the excess lube onto his own length. Kassian stared up at him, his usual gray eyes nearly black as his pupils were blown with lust. Fuck if he didn’t look good enough to eat.

  Hudson took hold of his mate’s thighs and tilted them up until he could see Kassian’s pink hole winking at him as if begging to filled. Need slammed into him so hard, Hudson started to shake with it.

  “Hold your legs,” he ordered his mate.

  Kassian’s arms wrapped around his thighs, and Hudson didn’t waste any time lining up the head of his prick with his mate’s hole. He alternated between staring at where their bodies joined as he sank into his mate, and into Kassian’s eyes.

  A hiss of pain exploded from his mate’s lips. “
Push out, it will make things easier,” he told Kassian.

  The moment his mate did, Hudson slid in deeper, not stopping until he was balls deep. Clenching his teeth together, Hudson tried to distract himself from the most exquisite feeling of being inside his mate to give Kassian time to adjust. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it might have been one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do.

  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he felt Kassian’s muscles start to relax. Leaning down, he claimed his mate’s mouth as he pulled his hips back. Small whimpers were pushed into the kiss as Kassian’s channel squeezed him tighter as his mate tried to hold him inside.

  Not that Kassian had anything to worry about. Hudson had no plans to leave this perfect body, ever. It may not be feasible, but a man can dream. Reversing his hips, he thrust deep, both of them moaning in unison.

  With each thrust, Hudson tried to sink even deeper inside of his mate. To be tied to this man in the most basic of ways possible. His gaze flicked to the spot on Kassian’s neck where he planned to mark him. Saliva pooled in his mouth and his canine practically itched for the chance to plunge into that alabaster skin and leave his mark for all to see.

  As if sensing Hudson’s intent, his mate’s head rolled back on his pillow, tilting just right to give Hudson unfettered access. His hips drove harder into Kassian’s willing body, nailing his prostate on each thrust.

  Kassian cried out, fluid filling the space between them as his channel became a vise around Hudson’s cock. Unable to hold on another second, Hudson plunged his canines deep within Kassian’s neck.

  The first spurt of blood across his tongue coincided with his seed pouring into his mate, marking him inside and out. His body, mind, heart and even his soul soared in joy of becoming one with this amazing man.

  Just when he thought he was drained dry and had nothing left inside of his balls, teeth sank into his chest, just above his heart. Kassian claimed him. Sure he was going to pass out when his balls unloaded a second time, Hudson rolled to his side the moment he’d finished, afraid he might collapse on Kassian and crush him.