Her moving words had filtered in and out all day long. Baby Gemma at the forefront. Of course I wanted to know Jules’ little girl. I wanted Max and Finn to know her too. Did she have Jules’ big brown eyes? And long lashes? Did she have her perfect smile and radiant glow? I’d be patient and wait forever for her to bring her baby girl to life for us. But what couldn’t wait was us, alone, out of the hospital. I needed to show her that I wasn’t going anywhere. That she was my world. Our world. That we may have been broken apart, but together we were whole.
“Nana’s definitely going to have red eyes if she doesn’t get her beauty rest,” my mom replied with laughter still in her voice.
“Beauty rest?” Max asked, giggling.
“Anyone in the royal family needs lots of sleep to keep healthy and happy.”
Max’s eyebrows spiked and her eyes bugged. “Nana, you’re a princess like Cinderella and Jasmine? Jasmine is my favorite. Daddy says I can be Jasmine for Halloween, and Finny can be Aladdin.
“No. I Powya Ranger.” Finn fist pumped into the air. This was only a topic we’d addressed too many times to count, and it wasn’t even officially spring yet.
“No. Aladdin. Finny, you promised.” Max’s lip puffed out in a pout.
“Red Powya Ranger.”
I gave him mad props for slipping in the color the second time, like that would convince Max to cave. I glanced over at Jules who was taking in the brother/sister showdown with a little smirk on her face. Leave it to the kids to shift the atmosphere even if just temporarily.
“Aladdin.”
“Powya Ranger.”
“Hey, hey. Princess Max, Finn can be whatever he wants. Besides, Halloween is a long way off—you may both change your mind by then. How about a nice warm bath, and then I’ll read you a story and get you tucked in. Let’s give Daddy a chance to relax and eat some dinner.” My mother’s powers of diffusion were impressive. I needed practice.
“How about my peanuts show me some love first?” I asked then received. Sloppy, soft kisses and matching tight hugs. It never got old. “Who loves ya to the moon and back?”
“You do. Why do you always axus that, Daddy?” Max giggled, kissing and hugging Jules too then taking off after her Nana.
“Always checking!” I yelled behind her. Finn slid off the couch but didn’t move. He had to be exhausted. “What is it, bud? Want a piggyback?”
“No, JuJu. JuJu make me better.”
“Ah, handsome.” Jules swung him on her hip without missing a beat. She kissed his head and disappeared down the hall.
This was far from the first time my kids showed Jules affection, but this time I could tell she was battling her emotions. She had this. And in a blink of an eye, it was gone. The pain in my chest for her was indescribable. Something between a burn and a bone crushing ache. Hers had to be times a hundred.
I slunk back on the couch and rubbed along my sternum. “You’re right, buddy.”
JuJu does make everything better.
Two hundred and four. That’s how many munchkins I’d physically held over the past seven years. To comfort, examine, change or feed. I’d never admit that number to anyone because I knew how it sounded. Sad and pathologic. It wasn’t like I intentionally started keeping count, it just kind of happened. I’d chosen a career in pediatrics, so it was inevitable. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified the first time I picked up another child … but Corrine wasn’t my Gemma. Neither was Jason or Blake or Emma Kate or the hundreds that followed. I found solace in realizing that no other child could warm my soul with their touch or melt my heart with a single look the way my sweet girl did. That unconditional love was reserved only for her.
Until now.
Finn and Max were both so generous with their love, each in their own way. They’d literally knocked me off kilter and taken my breath away on occasions. Now being one of them.
I cherished the way Finn reached for me tonight almost as much as I loved being his JuJu. I tried my best to swallow back the multitude of emotions threatening to unglue me and focus on the task at hand. Tubby-time.
As we made our way to the bathroom, Finn giggled and tugged on my new bracelet. Seeing the shiny pendant within his baby grasp brought me back to this afternoon.
Shortly after lunch, while the kids quietly made movies and played on their electronics, I joined Reina for a cup of tea. I was looking forward to getting to know her, hoping to make a good impression and put her mind at ease. Assure her that I genuinely cared for her son and grandchildren. But the only person doing the talking was Reina. Her grace and sincerity overwhelmed me.
She dove right in. “I know we’ve just met, but I feel like I know you already. Guy has been shouting about you from the rooftops. And it is obvious my monkeys are completely smitten.”
I laughed at her enthusiasm, feeling my cheeks heat. “Thank you, Reina. That means a lot to me.” No wonder Max and Finn couldn’t get enough of Nana, she was an easy woman to love.
“To me too, darling, to me too.” She sipped her tea, all the while regarding me with contemplative eyes. “These past few years have been a real challenge for my son. He’s shouldered more than one person should have to, and he’s done it surrounded by a haze of bitterness and loss. At his core, Guy is gentle and loyal. But he is fiercely protective, and if I had to find a flaw, he can be a little stubborn. I’ll have you know that he gets that from his father.” I watched a serene glow wash over her as soon as she mentioned her husband. “I lived a very similar life when my Finnigan passed away, so I understand what it’s like to be a single parent. What my son doesn’t understand is that moving on alone was never a decision or a choice. Finnigan is my soulmate and he always will be. There could never be another. And I’m okay with that until we meet again. And while I believe Guy and Brittany could have had a beautiful life together, I don’t think they were soulmates. Jules, darling, since you’ve entered Guy’s life, he has come alive again. You’re the breath of fresh air he has been starved for. It’s clear as a bell how much you mean to them and how much they mean to you.” She has no idea. “Only a very special woman would jump head first into life with a father. You are special, Jules. A beautiful soul both inside and out.”
“Thank you, but I’m the lucky one. They’ve welcomed me with open arms, and I wouldn’t want to imagine my life without them. I can honestly say they’ve made me happier than I’ve been in years.” For some unexplained reason, opening up to Reina was effortless.
“Yesterday, Guy and I had a chance to catch up before I boarded, and I want you to know you’re in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss, Jules. A parent should never have to experience the pain of losing a child.”
I wasn’t prepared for her condolences and my expression must have shown it. Other than yesterday with Guy, I’d never spoken about my daughter. Everyone just knew. Nothing more needed to be said.
“Please don’t feel like he betrayed your confidence. He was looking for some guidance. He’s devastated and completely heartbroken for you, Jules.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and told her the truth. “I’m not mad at him for telling you. Not at all. A little surprised, I guess. This might sound strange, but I’ve always shied away from talking about my Gemma. Not because I want to forget, God no. Never. But part of me feels like I’ve lost so much of her, I just can’t bear to share the little I have left. Some days I feel like my memories are the only thing holding my heart together. I know it sounds crazy.”
“There is nothing crazy about grief and sadness. We do what we have to do to make it through the day. That may never change, sweetie, and that’s okay. More than okay. But one day you may find that speaking about Gemma might bring your memories to life. You’ll feel her presence, and the sadness will become infinitesimally less. I’d love to get to know your little girl when you’re ready.” She picked up the small black box that sat between us. “Here, I want you to open this.”
Releasing the sheer pink bow, I lifted the l
id to find a thin gold-finished bangle with a small round charm. The outline of a tree and its roots was perfectly engraved on one side. The inscription on the other side read, Tree of Life.
“This is beautiful, Reina. Thank you.” I slipped the bracelet onto my wrist.
“Your life is like this tree, deeply rooted, with a solid foundation and countless branches linking your past throes with future dreams. Every tree faces inevitable storms and strong winds testing the strength of its roots. Branches break; new ones grow. It will flower and leaves will fall. And from your tree new life will emerge. In the end, though, with purpose and perseverance your tree will prevail, and each will be beautifully individual and uniquely different. A full circle of such.”
I stared down at the bracelet, my eyes filling with tears, while I absorbed and processed the meaning behind her beautifully poignant words.
She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. “Jules, my darling girl, you have an understanding for life that most people never achieve. Through devastation, through heartache, through loss you have seen the darkest depths, and yet you have emerged with a compassion, a beauty, an awareness of what it means to love and be loved. Beautiful people don’t just exist, they are made.”
Finn began squirming in my arms, pulling me back to the present. “No bath,” he yelled. “No bath, Nana!”
Reina was sitting at the edge of the tub, testing the water, when Finn and I stopped at the bathroom door. Max was already stripped down and lowering herself into the water. Reina stretched out her arms for him to come. “It will relax all your muscles, Finny, and you’ll feel so good after.”
“Nana, my bath toys are in there,” Max obliviously interrupted as only children can, pointing to the cabinet under the sink. Reina opened it, and sure enough, there was a plethora of boats and ducks, foam letters and watering cans. “And I like this shampoo.” She held up the familiar clear bottle filled with the light yellow liquid. “Maya says my hair smells yummy. Daddy lets me wash my own body sometimes. Daddy says I am a big girl.”
“Daddy says I’m a big boy.” Finn offered up, clearly not wanting to miss out on the Daddy says parade.
“Big boys have to get clean too,” I said, giving his side a little tickle. “So let’s get you undressed so you can join Max with all those fun toys.”
Max watered her head as we spoke.
“No. I stand like Daddy.”
“Stand in the tub? That’s not safe, silly boy.” Reina dismissed his plea.
“No! Like Daddy.” Finn was adamant. “In Daddy’s bafroom.”
“Ahhh, you want to take a shower like Daddy does,” I said, proud of myself for deciphering toddler talk. Finn nodded fervently with a smile reaching his eyes. Reina looked puzzled, but I gave her a little shrug to say why not. “How about we ask Daddy?”
Finn and I galloped back out to the living room (gotta love the horse trot), and I momentarily froze. Guy’s bare feet were crossed at the ankle and propped up on his coffee table. Both arms were stretched up with his palms cradling his head. His hair was sticking up all over the place in this sexy messed way that could alone drive me wild. But it was the way his T-shirt slid up and his jeans dipped down, exposing his lower chiseled abs, that had me squirming on the inside. God, I missed him. I missed that place—the escape—only he could bring me to. I wanted to feel him. I wanted his arms wrapped around me. I yearned for that warmth.
“Hey.” His eyes snapped open, and he said in a tired, raspy voice, “Everything okay?”
“Sorry, were you asleep? You looked so … relaxed.” That wasn’t exactly the word I was thinking, and unfortunately, the heat in my face gave me away.
He scanned down at his body before meeting my eyes with an amused smirk on his face. “Maybe I drifted off, but I’m wide awake now. Can I be of any service?” Ahh. Really? God, he knew exactly what to say to get me flustered. With his son on my hip, no less. Not that Finn had any idea his question held double meaning.
Ignoring my pink cheeks, I shifted Finn to my other side and addressed the matter at hand. “Finn would like to take a shower.”
“A shower, huh?” Guy stalled.
“Yes, you know that rectangular stall in the bathroom where water pours down on you?”
My sarcasm was met with another devilish smirk.
“Oh, I know it intimately.”
Bastard. That game would wait until later.
Finn raised his hands in victory and yelled, “ ‘hower!”
“Have you done a shower with him before?” I asked when I noticed Guy’s pensive look.
“Not yet ...” Guy stood up and took Finn from my arms, blowing a raspberry under his chin. “He’s a slippery little sucker.” Guy kept at it, making Finn giggle harder. “We’ve never had enough hands. Getting him in and out—I never wanted him to slip.” Guy went for his belly this time. And I began to laugh right along with them. It felt so good. I had never imagined a life where I could be happy enough to laugh.
I thought about Gemma and the first time we gave her a bath. I had never let my mind wander to these memories without feeling a burn so raw I’d be sick for days. But here, right now, I found myself smiling. Gemma’s big brown eyes went wide when I sat her naked little tush in the baby bathtub. Taking my time (that’s where I went wrong), I washed every little nook and cranny. Of course, I’d wanted to rid her of the yucky hospital germs. So what started off as a sweet photo-worthy moment as Lucca snapped away, quickly deteriorated with the rapid decrease in water temperature. Her little bottom was frozen and she had the lungs on her to prove it. I’d barked at Lucca to put the damn camera down and hold up the towel. Snuggling her tight to my chest, her screams slowed, and all that was left was a quivering lip. God, she’d smelled so delicious. A scent I’d never forget.
“Maybe JuJu can help us, bud, what do you think?” Guy let up on his tickle attack so Finn could answer.
“JuJu help. JuJu help.” Finn chanted between subsiding giggles.
“What d’ya say, doll?” He raised a brow in my direction.
Even though my smile stretched as wide as Finn’s, my eyes welled.
Of course I say yes.
My emotions were all over the place.
Guy leaned down and kissed my smiling mouth. “It’s just a shower, beautiful.” He thumbed a loose tear that somehow got away. No, it wasn’t. He knew it. I knew it. This was so much more. This was an intimate moment between a father and son. No, it was even more than that. This was an intimate moment that he would have shared with his wife. And now he was choosing me to be a part. After everything, he knew how much this would mean to me.
“JuJu, you’re sad?” Finn asked out of nowhere, leaning in my direction to get a closer look at my face. So much for swallowing my reaction this time. Kids and that uncanny ability to read people, it was always so unbelievable how perceptive they were.
“I’m not sad, silly.” I gave Finn my own tickle. “Lead the way, stinky face.”
“Thank you.” Guy kissed my lips again and grabbed my hand with his free one.
“Dada’s shower,” Finn cheered.
“Listen, bud, we aren’t going to be able to do this all the time, okay?” Guy plopped Finn on his bed, stepping back to fist his grey T-shirt over his head. I went to work on undressing Finn, loosening and removing his sneakers.
“I help, JuJu.”
“Okay, go for it, handsome.”
Finn un-Velcroed his tiny braces and pushed down his high socks. I pulled them off from the toe and he grinned. Then he reached over his head to grab the back of his light blue thermal, mimicking Guy. So freaking adorable. Rustling a bit with the collar, he finally got it far enough to get stuck on his head.
“You in there?” I peeked through the small hole of his shirt.
Finn’s baby blues got huge and he said, “I stuck.” Freeing his towhead, I tugged on his sweatpant leg holes, making him tip backwards onto Guy’s fluffy, navy comforter. He giggled and said, “Again. Again.”
<
br /> Oblivious to us, Guy tooled around his bedroom doing whatever. Drawers opened and closed, pockets were emptied, and devices were plugged in, all the while rambling nonsense about not making a habit of showering. Yeah, good luck with saying no to these dimples. Then he walked his very shirtless self into the bathroom, and we heard the water turn on, drowning his voice away.
“Sounds like Daddy got in. Let’s go potty first.” I carried Finn to the toilet and slipped down his Powya Ranger undies. Guy’s jeans and boxers were in a crumpled pile on the floor, and he was already in the shower washing his hair—like no big deal.
God, I loved this man.
He finished rinsing and wiped his face. “Ready, buddy?” he asked, running his hand over the glass door to get rid of some of the steam. “Shower time, big boy.” He opened the door and held out his arms. Again, like no big deal. Like he wasn’t completely naked in front of me for no other reason than to grab his son and get him washed up. Casually naked. I was pretty sure I could say for certain I’d never done casual naked.
I slid Finn’s glasses off and he lunged for Guy. He instantly began to fidget in Guy’s wet arms, repeating, “Stand, Daddy, stand.”
“Wow, no wiggling, bud. Daddy doesn’t want to drop you.”
I tossed a few towels down on the floor outside of the shower because there was no way water wasn’t going to be everywhere. I pushed up my sleeves and knelt down on the tile. “Here, let me help. I’ll stick my arms in. Finny, you can stand, and then Daddy has two hands to get this stinky body clean.” Guy lowered him, and I came face-to-face with one happy boy.
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